My mistakes about a girl and request for guidance and help fix it up

[greendavid]

Hi Seppuku

Your advises helped me a lot and every thing now seems to be working smoothly , i have to thank you man.
There are some minimal problems like the issue of staying in my place , she never stays at my flat for night but she prefers to spend the night at her flat , well it could be the reason that my flat is smaller and a bit Old with uncomfortable bed , and also sometimes when i wanna spend the night with her she suddenly change the decision or tell that she is not in good mood and the plan will be canceled which is not pleasant.

The other issue which is more important and i need your guidance is the matter with a new girl which i met and slept with her last month , i am not sure if i am supposed to open a new post for that under beginner section ?

Best regards
David

 

[Seppuku]

Hey David,

Glad to be of help.

There are some minimal problems like the issue of staying in my place , she never stays at my flat for night but she prefers to spend the night at her flat , well it could be the reason that my flat is smaller and a bit Old with uncomfortable bed , and also sometimes when i wanna spend the night with her she suddenly change the decision or tell that she is not in good mood and the plan will be canceled which is not pleasant.

Let this be coming from her. At this stage you just focus on fucking her, then drive her home back after. That's it. Just enjoy! When she will be ready for more, she will be the one asking for staying at night, seeing you more often etc... This will come soon enough, no need to hurry.

The other issue which is more important and i need your guidance is the matter with a new girl which i met and slept with her last month , i am not sure if i am supposed to open a new post for that under beginner section ?

Yes, better to make it a separate post. If you are going to describe in details how you initially seduced her, then this should be a Lay Report (LR) under section Field Reports. If you are going to focus more on the problem or question you are facing, then it should be under Beginner section, or even General.

Seppuku

 

[greendavid]

Hello Seppuku

So after some weeks of absence i decided to update it.
Actually situation is kind of complicated and i have neither energy nor any idea how to solve the problem.
So the story is like this:
One night we talked via WhatsApp and she told me when that there is something important and when we meet we need to talk about it.
I told her well if there is something that important you can tell it now on the phone.
Then after a bit talking she told me there is no Chemistry between us and i feel i am not able to love you. (i heard this from some other girls as well and i am not sure what could be the reason and what to do to fix it.)
I answered it is normal , we do not meet such usually and that's the main reason.
She answer that not if there is chemistry i have to feel it from the first second and etc
I told her my idea is different than you about such feeling but right now i am busy and have many things to do and we just say goodnight.

Anyway later i realized his ex (Who she still kept contact with him) is coming back to Poland and they actually talk very usually , she told he is just a friend and they talk and i say Ok but i didn't know they actually talk such usually , i guess it could be one of those reason.
I am out of idea what to do in this case and similar cases which girl talk about chemistry!?
About this particular case and that ex bf i have also no idea , i just decided to not talk about it with her and we didn't talk and actually she didn't write any message and me to decided to be silent for now.

Kind regards
David

 

[Seppuku]

Hey,

In my experience, if the girl doesn't feel chemistry she won't see you on a second date, let alone having sex with you. So that's a little weird - because she had sex with you many times by now? With no chemistry? No kidding!

So this could very well be an excuse. You are right, it may be because her ex BF is back in the loop. If she feels the flame for him again, then she needs to take you out of her heart and make room for him. The easiest for this is to rationalize "no chemistry" about you. Think about it: could it be that he was in the picture since the very beginning?

If I'm right, there is nothing you can do against this. In fact, you don't want to be caught in the middle of both of them. It is time to take some serious vacation from her. Any further initiative needs now to be clearly coming from her. And please, avoid going into mad chasing mode. Remember that any expression of neediness is a huge turn off for the girl.

And it may happen. Whatever is going on with her ex, will go on for a while, maybe one month, maybe six. Ultimately the reason why they broke in the first place, will come to surface again. The day her heart becomes empty again, she may remember you.

Time for the anecdote. I had a GF with whom we were separated de facto (she had to return to her country the Philippines). We kept in touch via Viber. One day she disappeared - no more signals. And three months later, surprise, I get a "Hi!" message from her. I know for a fact that there was a man involved - although I never got her to admit it. We met again three times (as I was visiting the Philippines), the last time being February of this year on a nice week of vacation. After that, we kept contact for two months... And one day she went radio silence. No news since then. Likely a new man in the picture.

I'm not worried Guys come and go. One day I may see a "Hi" again on my Viber. Or not! And in the meantime I went a couple of times for more vacations... in Kenya, where I met a beautiful girl whose body is a living challenge to the laws of gravitation. Life is full of such natural wonders to be discovered, why bother about a girl who disappeared!

So man, time to take a break I think. There are tons of beautiful girls out there which will be more receptive to you, and more into you. Enjoy!

Seppuku

 

[greendavid]

Hello ,

Thanks for detailed and nice answer.

A)
Well to be honest some girls in Poland are weird.
There is brunette girl who i met and wonderfully we had sex several times but she didn't want to kiss each other on lips because she was telling there should be love and chemistry for that!!!!
After a while she wrote that we could be just friend and i told I'm busy now and i can't talk right now (because i didn't know what to answer)
Funny enough she wrote to me today that how are you doing and if everything is alright and etc , then she wrote that she hopes we can stay friends and such things which i didn't answer yet and didn't reply her message at all.

B)
About the blond girl who i was talking since the very beginning actually i know her ex and they were dating for3 years , he was kinda married guy from somewhere in Asia,
He just hided or lied so she thought they are gonna be married and etc , later when we started relationship and i realized that was the guy then i told her the story because in past years that i was friend of that guy but i didn't know this is this is the gir who he was dating.
How ever the guy was dating her to have fun and for keeping her he needed to pretend to be single and looking for serious relationship and some similar lies .
Anyway after clarifying whole situation for her it's wonderful for me if she still wanna be back to him.maybe she think reality is something else and what i said could be from jealousy.
By the way i didn't say a word to that guy when i realized she was his ex because i thought he may think negatively.
And that's the story.

She is telling that we need to talk face to face and she wrote some messages but i just ignored her so far, because don't know what to tell because she claims it has nothing to do with that guy (which suddenly his coming back news and her behavior happened to be exactly at the same time!!!)
I really don't know what to write back or tell her when she writes or call me ?!

Best regards
David

 

[dcman]

Hi David,

I wanted to explain the reasons for her behavior towards you in this manner may be due to showing extreme neediness before and after sleeping with her. Some times girls sleep with their niece guy friends for a variety of reasons (horniness, loneliness or other emmotional change they feel). These are guys they consider to be safe guys.Initially these guys did not meet their criteria of what they are looking for and they became their friends. But under special circumstances end up sleeping with them. When the guys start showing a lot of neediness it confirms their initial valuation of their guys was correct. Girls with options do not want to settle and look out for a higher value mate.An example being a friend of mine a girl went to a party with a niece guy friend of hers. she had broken a little over a year before and surprised to see the ex there with another girl. Due to the emmotions caused by that night she ended up sleeping with the niece guy friend. she slept some more times with the niece guy friend but the niece guy friend begin to show his extreme neediness. she did not want anything long term from him due to the above mentioned reasons and withdrew from him.

The only available option I can see is for you to convey what you want in return to keep the on going friendship(sex or help getting you another girl if she values her friendship with you). However wait to hear from Seppuku as well before you proceed.

 

[greendavid]

Hello ,

Thank you for advice .

Indeed i guess also neediness and being afraid of losing her is one of the reasons and probably even main reason.
I don't know how to calibrate my behavior from ignoring her to being needy.
We were writing messages on WhatApp several times a day and almost always when she wrote to me and ask about calling i was giving her OK and she was calling and i was talking till she wanted to go and she finished the call.

So continuing the story of situation (not having chemistry story and etc) which started the day before yesterday:
When i talked with her day before yesterday , then i didn't answer her calls at all and didn't write back her messages at all whole yesterday. Today she wrote back that

she knows that i am specially ignoring her and it doesn't make her angry and sorry , she told that i am not a low level girl to deserve to be treated like this , and you are not a child to act in this way .

Today i finally after a day of silenced i wrote back on her messages on WhatsApp ,i wrote that i didn't have fancy and feeling to write and talk via phone (She made this excuse several time) and i was also busy with my own things .

So later she wrote me something that blew my mind , it was something that i didn't think about it even for a second. there is a story behind it so let me to explain it:
I had a girlfriend in Sweden who i kept contact with her since 3 years ago which i left Sweden and sometimes we met , finally he met a guy (who loved her) and we decided to not have any relationship or sex anymore and be just friend and etc .... the story was some months before i met this current girl who i am dealing with her now.
So after i met and slept with this girl in Poland i decided to go Sweden , visit some of my old friends and also take my stuffs which she borrowed from me or i left them there and also organize some paper works and etc . so it was multi purpose trip.
How ever i don't know why stupidly i told this Polish girls about that trip , at the time i wanted to make her jealous to make her to get closer to me or something but anyway i did it in bad way .

So today she wrote that yesterday she was all the time thinking and analyzing! She asked why did i have that trip to Sweden to meet that girl !? It doesn't make sense to fly all this way to take some stuffs specially after all these 3 years that i moved to Poland and etc .

Well i wrote back that she didn't listen to me carefully as always that's why she only remembers a small part of story , then she asked me to explain and i told her i am tired and can not write a big piece of story on WhatsApp and if she want she can call , then she told that she is so sleepy and she has to wake up very early morning and blab blab then we said Goodnight.

So probably tomorrow we will have some conversation , i suppose i shouldn't write anything and just wait for her to write or call.
So there are my questions:

1- How to react after what she said about chemistry and such things and what to say ?

2-Now the story is combined and kind of noisy and mixed (Maybe it is the mixed signal and kind of test !) so i don't have any bloody idea what is going on , does she feel no chemistry and has not feelings toward me or actually after that we had sex at least 6 times she has feelings and that's why after 3-4 months she remembered the story of that girl in Sweden and was thinking about it and she is jealous in a bad way ? Was the story of ex girlfriend one of reasons that she told me those things about chemistry and etc ? (Specially her ex who spent 3 years with her looked very secure and committed boy who as i saw had problem in talking and knowing other girls and she probably felt safe and wasn't afraid of being cheated by him)

3-How to answer her about that ex girlfriend to not appear like that i am trying to convince her and it doesn't look like that i am trying so much and putting a big effort to convince her?
In general i am lost and i have no idea what is the real story and should i react and organize and fix this mess up


So i really wish that Seppuku and other guys will guide me in detail specially before my next conversation with her because i dont know ho to act and what to say !
I really appreciate your helps and it always helps me and also gives me mental relive .

Kindest regards
David

 

[dcman]

being afraid of losing her is one of the reasons and probably even main reason

Hi david , you need to let go of this fear. As long you have this fear you will be the one chasing. Read articles in this web site or internet about oneitis. Try to work on letting go this fear. Once it is gone you will see the difference on how she acts with you.

So probably tomorrow we will have some conversation , i suppose i shouldn't write anything and just wait for her to write or call.

I read a very good article article in this web site that is better to do this in person rather than by phone or email. Try to find the article and read it. I feel this article would be of use to you. I strongly reccomend doing it in person . when you are in person you can see how the other person reacts and proceed accordingly.


3-How to answer her about that ex girlfriend to not appear like that i am trying to convince her and it doesn't look like that i am trying so much and putting a big effort to convince her?


Do not try to answer this in a logical way . You need to answer this in a emotional way she understands. Tell her you are hurt and offended by what she said. You are not like her EX the one who cheats and this suggestion by her made your hurt. . You are really surprised after knowing about you all this time that she will say this about you . The reason you were not answering or talking to her was because of how hurt she made you feel. you cannot be with someone who thinks of you in this manner. Just throw this back on her.

There was a extensive article in this website about not to rationalize things with girls but in a manner they understand. I feel it is a must for you to read it to understand better the way girls think compared to guys. Read that article and also search online to know more about things about guys vs chicks thinking. Spend some time to read and understand the difference in thinking . Once you understand it will be easier to answer these type of questions , tests from chicks.

 

[Seppuku]

Man,

This is now getting confused.

Let's first address this:

How ever i don't know why stupidly i told this Polish girls about that trip , at the time i wanted to make her jealous to make her to get closer to me or something but anyway i did it in bad way.

Yes it was stupid. I have seen girls get a knee jerk jealousy reaction as the sole mention of the word "ex-girlfriend". I have learned not to raise the subject altogether, or otherwise only in the most possibly vague terms, with as little details as possible. No need to create unnecessary problems. You want to make her jealous on purpose? Good luck dealing with the consequences.

Now, we can only help you based on the information you provide. Here are a few questions for you:

1) Is there any hint she has intention to meet, or is actually meeting, her ex-BF? That is a possible cause of "no chemistry" rationalization.

2) Also, I think you mentioned she would be coming permanently to Poland. Did it happen? How often do you see her? Do you fuck her each time you see her? A girl respects a man who fucks her regularly.

But dcman also raised a very good point. Needy behavior is a major turnoff for women. In the opposite, non-needy behavior is a very attractive trait for them. This is the cause for many things:

* Girls love assholes and bad boys - these guys don't give a shit about her, and exhibit *zero* neediness
* Girls despise the guys chasing then - it's a manifestation of neediness
* Guys who have "abundance mentality" do much better with girls - they know they can access to tons of girls and therefore exhibit zero neediness
* A guy who is ready to lose her "if it comes to that", or "devil may care attitude", will do much better with her - as opposed to be dead scared of losing her, which carries all sort of needy behaviors

So... my next question to you:
3) How needy did you behave around her? You need to introspect your behavior and see where you expressed neediness. See for yourself where you can improve. How could have you done better?

Next, a girl wants a man fully in control. This means he is cool and collected, he remains calm and doesn't "lose it". He doesn't vent his insecurities. He doesn't get angry. He doesn't try to lecture her all the time about what she should or shouldn't be doing. He isn't on her back 24/7 for fear of losing her. He is not looking to give her drama. And of course, he leads. This is also a big turn on / turn off case for women.

4) How insecure did you behave around her? Again introspect your past behavior and see where you expressed insecurities. See for yourself where you can improve. How could have you done better?

I suspect you fared badly with and 3) and 4). These are major turn offs! But the positive thing is that she is still sticking around you! Remember, what matters are her acts rather than what she says. And she seems to care. That's why my feeling is that she really liked you in the first place. But somehow you are on the way to fuck it up, and all this is her warning message.

1- How to react after what she said about chemistry and such things and what to say ?

When you meet her face to face, you absolutely need to avoid to let yourself trapped into justifying yourself. You need to avoid this from turning into a big fight. You should try to avoid letting her lead the conversation. One possible technique:

Her: So you went to Sweden to meet this girl?
You: You bet (smile and wink). Now, would you mind scratching my back please?

Or similar. You didn't deny (that would put you in a defensive position), and you took back the lead of the conversation in a ballsy manner. But that's only one possible way. Anything that allows you to avoid going in defensive mode and retake the lead. Remember, defensive = guilty.

In general, there is no magic recipe about "what to say". The only things we have are general guiding principles. We have spelled these principles out for you in this thread many times over. I suggest you read this thread again, and digest all the comments myself and other guys have told you. Think for yourself what are the underlying principles. Absorb them. After that you will naturally know what to say.

Do my introspection questions as seriously as you can. At the end of the day this is self help! You can help yourself better than I can.

Seppuku

 

[greendavid]

Hello Seppuku

Thanks for hints and advises.
Just give me 15 minutes i will write the answer of all questions.
I will appreciate if you give me some advice today , probably she will call and write.
In the next post (page 2) i answered all your questions and if there is some more details necessary please tell and i will provide those asap.

David

 

[greendavid]

1) Is there any hint she has intention to meet, or is actually meeting, her ex-BF? That is a possible cause of "no chemistry" rationalization.

About her ex-bf they met while there were studying , so they were together almost three years , as i heard he promised her to marry and etc but guys was married and hided this from her.
About their meeting i suppose that guy will come back to Poland something like three months later and i know they kept contact and talk via WhatsApp.
Well maybe it was my mistake to reveal the secret of that guy who was married and he somehow lied to her .
The guy was kind of friend of mine but i didn't know who was his gf at the time and i still have contact with that guy but i guess it is a stupid idea to reveal our relationship for him or maybe if i do so he will step back!? (sorry if my question is stupid because i had never been in such situation)

2) Also, I think you mentioned she would be coming permanently to Poland. Did it happen? How often do you see her? Do you fuck her each time you see her? A girl respects a man who fucks her regularly.

She isn't living permanently in Poland right now , she was here 3 times and staid for over a week and each time i fucked her at least three times and slept with her.
Of course sometimes we were going to restaurant or for shopping which we had to comeback to our home.
The other thing is that she never stayed at my flat , my flat is kind of small and beds are not comfortable so that's why i was always going and staying with her at her flat.

3) How needy did you behave around her? You need to introspect your behavior and see where you expressed neediness. See for yourself where you can improve. How could have you done better?

To be honest i guess i was kind of needy because i was worried to lose her.
1-At the beginning after our first sex i tried to never write first and never call her and just answer calls and reply messages.
2-After a while when we had second and third sex and slept together i felt every thing is OK so i was writing to her and she was writing back and when she was calling i was immediately picking up phone and talk at least for 20 minutes till she was ending and saying she has to go and we will talk later and goodbye.
I have to say that it happened twice that i was at her place and after sex she told that she wanna be alone at night and i discussed with her because it was kind of disturbing and unpleasant for me (i know i shouldn't do that)
3-Later sometimes there wasn't any news from her whole day so i didn't know if it is OK to not write anything to her and after a day of silence go to bed , so i was writing to her and she was calling back and telling she had a difficult and busy day and etc.
In general i was all the time available and was picking up her calls always but writing back and replying messages sometimes with delay.

4) How insecure did you behave around her? Again introspect your past behavior and see where you expressed insecurities. See for yourself where you can improve. How could have you done better?

When i was around her i was trying to be kind and with a little bit of teasing .
-Once i had an issue because she wasn't giving me her address in Germany to order something that later she brings them with her.
-Other thing was that she was planing for trips and asking me to go with her and my answer was always positive which i dont know if it was good!
-The other thing that when she was in Poland it was me always to ask for meeting , and she was always complaining why cant we meet at city and it should be always at our home and etc .... and i was answering for me meeting in pubs and coffee shops is only for some official meeting or with people who are only friend and i prefer to sit with her in calm and silent place to talk or watch movies and have privacy.
-Other thing that i have to say that i was usually calling her Kitty or Sweetie heart but she was calling me by my name always , except recent weeks which she was calling me my David or my Dave.
-I also have to say when she was talking about future and children i was always participating in these kind of conversation ,or sometimes when she had stomach ace i was teasing her that maybe there is a beautiful daughter there which i don't know i this kind of kidding was good or bad!


So today she was supposed to call and she didn't yet and i didn't write any messages to her , although she saw me online on WhatsApp and Facebook but we didn't talk and write at all.
If she calls for sure she may ask about the trip to Sweden which as you said should i just change the direction of talking to kidding ?
In general she wanted to talk and meet face to face to talk about these topics but i insisted to tell what ever it is via phone ,because i knew we will meet in city somewhere and it will be more hurting to hear unpleasant things when we meet and when i see her .

Seppuku i know every thing is said and general idea is given in threads but i feel kind of beginner and nervous so that's why for now i wish to have your guidance a bit more detailed and i will be really thankful for it

Kindest regards
David

 

[Seppuku]

Hey,

Good introspection. Now you need to draw the conclusions yourself. What could you have done better? What could you improve?

So today she was supposed to call and she didn't yet and i didn't write any messages to her , although she saw me online on WhatsApp and Facebook but we didn't talk and write at all.
If she calls for sure she may ask about the trip to Sweden which as you said should i just change the direction of talking to kidding ?
In general she wanted to talk and meet face to face to talk about these topics but i insisted to tell what ever it is via phone ,because i knew we will meet in city somewhere and it will be more hurting to hear unpleasant things when we meet and when i see her .

No obviously you can't apply what I said by telephone. It was meant face to face.

You are way, way too stressed out. It transcribes here in writing. Trust me, it will transcribes even more when you talk to her, and it's doing you no good. What you are sub-communicating is that she is everything to you, you have no other options, and your happiness relies on her. Not good!

What you need is to take a little distance from all that, take a step back, relax, see more clearly, have more detachment, stop overthinking. Then you will be in a much better position to talk to her.

 

[greendavid]

Well i know i have to increase my options to not relay on her and be afraid of losing her.
Yesterday i was nervous but today i just calmed down.
Well as it appears at last for 1 or 2 weeks later i can have contact only via WhatsApp.
So i wanted to have some hints that after all these events what to say and how to react when she is far and we have only contact via WhatsApp.

1- I must not initiate messages and calls and just pickup phone or reply messages even if she doesn't write for 2 or more days?, right ?
2-If she asked about trip to Sweden via phone how should i react and answer?
3-If i will stop to write or call her it and just replying when she calls or write that will be some sudden change , is it good or not such a good thing in the current situation?
4-If she brings the subject of chemistry or such subjects what to answer her via phone?

I am asking these questions because i have not really such a clear idea what to do at least till when she will be in Poland and i dont know how to answer those subjects above.

Best Regards
David

 

[dcman]

hi David,

Seppuku has taken time to give you a detailed answers to what needs to be done. The below article I feel may be of use to you well .

https://www.girlschase.com/content/handl ... ccusations

 

[greendavid]

Hello,

Thank you Dcman
The link was really great.
However she didn't call or write any messages since the day before yesterday (Sunday) and i also kept silence , so i will see how long it takes that she breaks silence.

Regards
David

 

[greendavid]

Hello,

SO today we had some chat which i guess was not constructive.
To be honest ( I know i will be blamed) At the evening i wrote to her hello and she replied "Hello how are things going? " ,i replied i'm OK just tired after a long day then and i asked her how is she and she told she is OK.

SO after it i told her i am tired and have not energy for writing but talking is OK (I don't know maybe it was a mistake) , then she answered as you wish she doesn't wish to talk! and i answered OK then i have to go.
She replied you are like a child do turn back my head and blab lab .....
I didn't know what to write back i just wrote goodnight.
She also replied Goodnight

I know it was against your recommendation but i was thinking as before she was talking about chemistry and i got angry and told her i don't have time for such pointless talk and hanged up , then the day later she called and wrote and after having no reply 2 days after it she brought up topic of my EX , so i put all together and thought it could be something like auto rejection and she feels i ignore her because i don't want her any more so that's why i made this mistake.
now i exactly know that i should't deviate even a bit from the way that you show.

Any way i hope it will be possible to correct it. As you told before i guess specially now i have to go on full radio silence , right ?

Regards
David

 

[dcman]

Hi David is there a reason for not being able to meet and talk in person to this girl ?

 

[greendavid]

Hello,

As i wrote to Seppuku , she lives in Germany.
She was supposed to find a job and move to Poland and stay permanently but so far it didn't happen.

 

[greendavid]

Hello ,

So after about 2 days that i kept silence she wrote : Hello David
Well i don't know how to react after our discussion.
It's already 15 minutes since she wrote , should i write today at all ? Should i be cold and aloof or not so ?
I will appreciate if you give me some hints.

Regards
David

 

[greendavid]

Hello Seppuku,

So i kept myself 2 days to do not write any thing and go Radio silence, meanwhile i was trying with some other girl.
Well it wasn't yet end of second day that she wrote on WhatsApp, i didn't reply for something like an hour, then wrote back I'm busy we can write or talk after 9pm.
So she wrote before 9 and i told her i have to take shower and i will write when i finish.
So eventually i wrote on WhatsApp and she called.
I was a bit cold and it started with normal words, then she brought up the topic of Sweden.
I answered her that she exactly knows it wasn't a big deal and i had to pick some stuffs and etc , i told her i feel that's just a reaction, you recently seem to be under some stress and chemistry ir Sweden or other complains are just the result, what's the story and tell me what's bothering you? !
After a short silence she started to talk with a bit of crying, she told it's about one month that she got news that her mom has some tumors , last week they realized it's cancer and she is stressed and .....
Well i just tried to calm her down just a bit .
Then she asked me how am i andi just gave her some general info.

Well i guess that ex boyfriend thoughts maybe were only my delusions!
I heard from some other friend that that guy may come after some four months and while ago i also saw some old photos if him in her cellphone and combining all these together gave me the thought that it could be related to that ex.

So after all she said that she has some other stresses and problems that her mom is only one of those.
I asked her that she can share it with me and if. Can give her at least some relief but she told maybe other time and i just said ok (i didn't know what else to say)
But i really wanna somehow know what is going on there because I guess it's something emotional.
The problem is that I don't know how to talk or ask or do something that she start to talk about it by herself and tells me what is going on.

Best regards
David