LR  LR Turns into Hell on Earth - False Rape Accusation

I didn't have a clue about where to put this, to tell ya the truth. But I just need to get my thoughts out.

February of 2016 I met a woman that came straight over to my apartment at around 10:00 at night. She wasn't all that great looking but I had just broken up with a girlfriend and figured since it was a layup I might as well take it. If nothing else, to help my ego bounce back.

Fooled around for a while when she got there and she literally said, and I quote word for word: "I want you to fuck me". So I did. After all of the fooling around and the fact that I didn't care as much, it didn't last long.

Fast forward a few weeks and I get a card in my door asking me to call the police. A few months later I'm getting my cheek swabbed. A few months after that they file charges and I'm to appear in court. The only problem is, is that I didn't even know I had court. After the detective had my phone number, my email address, my new address, my old address that had my new address (they sent me a bill) and a phone number for an attorney, they didn't let me know I had court. So they filed for court and 3 days later I have a bench warrant.

Fast forward to February of this year. I'm getting arrested for failure to appear. Brilliant.

Spend some time in jail, bond out, and 30 minutes after bonding out I find out that my sister committed suicide two days prior. This was about a month ago.

The evidence that they have against me? A DNA test can't rule me out, and she said so. Also a police report made by her that contradicts itself like 2-3 times.

So now I have a new court date set up for a few weeks out. A preliminary hearing. Almost all preliminary hearings go to trial, which means that I'm likely fucked. Thanks to my sister who is now dead and my oldest cousin they got the money together to pay for preliminary lawyer fees. There's not a chance in hell any of us will be able to afford a trial.

There's a chance that my rich ex-brother in law will help. But to be honest, there's a gut instinct telling me that he won't. Though that could just be my immeasurable cynicism of the moment. I hope it is.


And now here I am. After pulling myself together and coming from a statistical probability of being dead before the age of 15. Climbing out of depression. Learning how to even talk and be around girls to doing okay with them I am now broken again.

I'm not afraid to talk to women, somehow, but I have lost all desire to communicate with women for any reason at all. I still have a libido but I think I'm becoming a little bit of a porn addict at this point.

I was seeing a woman before all of this happened, though she was pulling away from me even then. She went from "I want you, and to be with you" to ghosting me the minute I try to talk to her about my sister. Some of my 'friends' even ghosted me. Though to keep from the doom and gloom there are a few that talk to me. They make life bearable. I even got a two statements from girls. One of which that I have slept with on occasion and are still kind of friends. The other I never slept with but is now kind of like my best friend.


I came back to some semblance of a life and really pulled together to make some money from working at Lyft. I have done really well with it in the past two weeks. But it does nothing for me emotionally, and will be like throwing a pebble into a lake if it comes to a trial. But it's still some kind of accomplishment.

But ever since my sister's funeral I don't find joy in anything except games and sleep. I even quit playing games a few years ago but downloaded a few on my phone just because of this.

They're just a distraction, I know. But they keep me from thinking about going to jail again. I've already made up my mind to commit suicide if they pronounce me guilty. I'm not going back to that.

But what if I win? I've thought about it, and I would still rather die.

It's the same as a decade ago. I don't want to commit suicide but there's nothing but this emptiness that I feel.

Like most of you, I assume, I got into game to find a life partner. Someone that I could just relax around and be myself. But nobody wants the real me. The real me is fun loving, laughs easily and often and is just a general goof. An intelligent and athletic goof, but still... Whenever people see me they leave me. It's only my mask that people find me interesting.

This entire year has completely demolished my desire for a life partner. It's even killed a little bit of my desire for friends. I can't see women for anything other than their hypergamy now. I just can't see the good in anyone anymore. After a lifetime of being exposed to the evils of this world and a growing resentment and bitterness of it all, I feel broken down. I don't see the point in fighting a bitter mentality. I still want to, but I just don't see anything else.

It's either emptiness, or anger. That's all I've been able to feel these past few weeks.

I honestly just want to die.


I'm not sure where I should go from here, emotionally. I would like to get better. I want to leave all of this behind. But I don't know if I'll ever be able to.

It's ironic, really. My sister was the one that had everything going for her. It was supposed to be me that committed suicide. It's what everyone thought. They would never say it to my face, but I've overheard a few people say it. They thought it would be me. They never thought that I ever had a chance in life.

I may find out that they were right in the coming weeks...

Shit man! You've been through quite an experience but don't let it end you.

Regal Tiger said:

I'm not afraid to talk to women, somehow, but I have lost all desire to communicate with women for any reason at all. I still have a libido but I think I'm becoming a little bit of a porn addict at this point. I don't want to commit suicide but there's nothing but this emptiness that I feel.

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You need time to heal, an experience like this will really drain you so it's natural to feel weak and hopeless.

But don't disrepair, you can come back from this, stronger and better than ever before, but it's going to take time and effort. Right now you probably don't feel like making any effort whatsoever as this is consuming you.

So you'll have to start back at the fundamentals... What's your diet and physical activity like? Are you at least able to eat nutritious foods and motivate yourself to lift some weights. The aim here is to stimulate some endorphins and adrenaline to reduce your cortisol levels, this will help alleviate some of your depression. It's not a magic cure and won't make you feel better in an instant but it's a small step to turning yourself around.

Explosive Results said:

Shit man! You've been through quite an experience but don't let it end you.

You need time to heal, an experience like this will really drain you so it's natural to feel weak and hopeless.

But don't disrepair, you can come back from this, stronger and better than ever before, but it's going to take time and effort. Right now you probably don't feel like making any effort whatsoever as this is consuming you.

So you'll have to start back at the fundamentals... What's your diet and physical activity like? Are you at least able to eat nutritious foods and motivate yourself to lift some weights. The aim here is to stimulate some endorphins and adrenaline to reduce your cortisol levels, this will help alleviate some of your depression. It's not a magic cure and won't make you feel better in an instant but it's a small step to turning yourself around.

Click to expand...

Thanks. I appreciate it. But I don't think that I'll ever be the same after this. And I thought I had trust issues before... now I want security cameras in my bedroom, lots of batteries and lots of tape recorders...

My diet is
Smoothies
Sandwiches
Yogurt
Water
Lots of fruit
Chicken+Hamburger+Rice+some kind of sauce and other random things
Pizza once a week
Panda Express twice a week
A Dr. Pepper and a Crunch Bar if I'm falling asleep at the wheel... so once every two weeks

I'm looking into other things that are easy to make and won't be a pain in the ass to prepare.


As for physical activity, I try to run 3 times a week and do bodyweight exercises the other 4 days of the week. Though I have been skipping. Also want to start playing tennis and martial arts to try and do things with other people.

Regal Tiger said:

Thanks. I appreciate it. But I don't think that I'll ever be the same after this. And I thought I had trust issues before... now I want security cameras in my bedroom, lots of batteries and lots of tape recorders...

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Yes, I cannot possibly relate to what you're going through... But it's good you're remaining active and not moping around. I've had extreme low points in the past, to the point I was too depressed to get out of bed, but I've never been in a legal situation like this.

Regal Tiger said:

Also want to start playing tennis and martial arts to try and do things with other people.

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Yes, this will be good for you, particularly the martial arts in helping you to raise your confidence and self esteem.

Regal Tiger said:

I'm looking into other things that are easy to make and won't be a pain in the ass to prepare.

Click to expand...

If you want to give your system a jolt and stimulate adrenaline, try taking cold showers or eating raw chilies. Over time this will also strengthen your immune system and increase you willpower.

But you can also do more relaxing activities, like as soon as you get out of bed, sit in the sun for 10 minutes and drink half a litre of water. Others suggest learning meditation although this isn't something I've found effective for myself.

Regal Tiger,

Hold your horses here. I've notified Chase about this topic, and he'll likely swing by and give you some advice.

Sorry about the difficult stuff you are going through right now. A lot of us have been there in one degree or another.

- Franco

Thanks to both of you. Talking seems to help.

The good news is, is that my lawyer says that it's one of the weakest rape cases he's ever seen. So that's good news I got earlier today

Regal Tiger said:

The good news is, is that my lawyer says that it's one of the weakest rape cases he's ever seen. So that's good news I got earlier today

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That's fantastic!

Keep hanging in there and eventually there will be more light shining through this murky tunnel.

What a ridiculous situation. I don’t blame you for freaking out, RT.

First off, major condolences for your sister. That’s truly terrible. Obviously the tendency is in your family - and obviously it would completely destroy your family to have two suicides in quick succession.


SUICIDE

Quick note on suicide. When I was suicidal at 14, I viewed my upcoming high school years as prison. I was going to have to go every day, suffer through four extremely long years of social isolation, and have no way out. So I went through with it and offed myself… only to change my mind at the last moment and break the noose before I lost consciousness (almost didn’t make it in time though, I’d tied that thing pretty tight. Was on the point of passing out, laughing at myself, going, “Oh man, I’m going to die after I decided I don’t want to. How absurd is this?”). My prediction was right, and I did suffer through (actually, another 8) years of, basically, locked up and isolated. It sucked every bit as much as I expected it would and more. And then I finally fixed things.

So, at this point, I’m like “MAN, I am glad I did not do that!” I haven’t done all the stuff I want to do yet, but I look at what I have done and I think it’s been pretty good. I’ve managed to help a fair few guys, I’ve made my family pretty happy, and I’ve built some things. None of this would exist if I succeeded at 14. My parents would have one child instead of two and would always have that shadow over them. I feel like a huge douche at this point for even considering this as an option.


FALSE RAPE ACCUSATIONS

Okay, that out of the way.

False rape accusations usually fall through. Not always; there is still that miscarriage of justice situation. But most courts are pretty good at their jobs.

The police report with contradictions and the lack of any evidence should put you on pretty strong grounds to win. I don’t know enough about preliminary hearings to give any input here.

I suggest launching a GoFundMe and getting it out on red pill / manosphere sites, Reddit boards, etc., asking for help with your legal defense. Your story is pretty moving, and you should be able to get at least a little help there. It will depend how aggressively you promote it on social media, various sites, etc., of course. I think AVoiceForMen.com specializes in doing stuff with false rape charges, so you might want to check them out and see what resources they have available and recommendations they have for raising legal defense funds.

You will probably win, based on what you’re telling us here. You might need some help with the bills. Even if you get NO help and get saddled with a bunch of debt, better to be a free man with debt to pay off than an imprisoned one.

You can probably also file a civil court case for wrongful prosecution to seek damages + attorney fees, too. I’d talk to my lawyer about this. If he thinks there’s a good chance of winning that one, that’ll be one where he’ll do it for a cut of the winnings (usually 30%), and you won’t have to pay to prosecute the case. Ideally, you win back attorney fees, plus get a nice settlement from your accuser, and come out net ahead financially.

Plus, you’ll give her her comeuppance. Giving a little comeuppance to some ruinous bitch who’s tried to upend your life because she’s insane would be icing on the cake.


PRISON

If you’re worried about prison: I used to worry about this a lot. But I researched it pretty heavily and there are a lot of potential upsides, actually, and the downsides are manageable.

The major downsides are fights, rape, and falling behind while the world moves ahead. The first two (fights and rape) you get out of the way right away by attacking whoever tries something with you as soon as you get there. Doesn’t matter if you win or not, you just need to hurt the guy (even if he hurts you more). Once the other inmates learn you don’t care if you get hurt so long as you do them some damage too, they stay off your nuts. Most guys I’ve talked to say it only takes that first fight after you arrive for everyone to leave you alone.

On falling behind, you should be reading a ton and getting degrees / learning trades there. The taxpayer is paying to feed you, house you, and let you read and learn unlimited things in there; might as well take advantage of it. I’d love to have more time to read (I mean, not being in prison is better, but if you’ve gotta spend a few years there, well… Lubbock’s list).

Also, get Paul Wade’s book “Convict Conditioning” (developed for prisons, but you should start learning it now, even if you think there’s a 0% chance you go to prison - it’s just a fantastic practical strength training system) and Geoff Thompson’s “Dead or Alive: The Choice is Yours.” Maybe take up Krav Maga or Wing Chun. Those things together will make you a complete bad ass in a couple of months, and make you a lot more confident of holding your own in whatever situation (tons and tons of bonuses outside of prison, too).

Finally, there was an article I read years ago… Wish I could remember the guy’s name. I cannot for the life of me find the article anymore. But this guy was locked up for 10 years, and was terrified of prison rape, so he just put together this schedule where he never had to interact with the general population ever. He blocked out his day to study for degrees, take classes, work in the kitchen, work in the library, etc. (he said guys would get pissed off at food he served them and would say “See you in the yard!” but he’d be off studying for another degree and never went to the yard). The one time he was with the general population was during rec hour, when they put you outside for an hour, and during that time he’d get on the track, rain or shine, and run laps around the track from the start of that hour to the end of it, so he never had to talk to anyone. The key to this, of course, is taking the 3 or 4 hours to research the various programs at whatever prison they’d send you to (if you were convicted) and build that schedule so you’re going from place to place every day. 3 or 4 hours of work to make prison life a lot easier/better.

Anyway. Highly unlikely you do any time, from the sound of it. But still worth preparing anyway. A lot of great men have done time in prison, by the way. Sometimes time to read, reflect, and meditate can calm a man’s mind and open up his potential in ways that would’ve been closed to him without that blessing in disguise.


EXIT PLAN

Lastly: if I was you, I’d start planning an exit strategy that involves exiting your SITUATION rather than your LIFE.

The U.S. is the worst country in the world for this false rape witch hunt garbage, because the laws and media enable it. I’d plan to leave (I’m assuming you’re in the U.S. here).

Go through your court case and win first, of course. You don’t want to flee the country and never be able to come back because you have some case hanging over your head. And if you flee, they may convict you in absentia, since you won’t be there to present your side or hammer your accuser on her contradictory stories.

But after that, get out. Go see the world. It’s not expensive to leave. Go to South America or Eastern Europe or Southeast Asia or whatever tickles your fancy most. Maybe treat yourself to a Full Moon Party in Koh Phangon after you win. Or go buy yourself some hookers in Bangkok if that's your thing. Or go to the Philippines and shag 20 girls in a month (or 50 girls in a month!). Or go to Colombia or Argentina or the Ukraine and get a super sexy girlfriend. Or go to Japan and live in the weirdest, funniest, most high tech society on Earth (and bang a lot of J-girls too).

If you want to do some prep work, get a TEFL/TESOL certificate so you can easily get English teaching jobs and get better pay. You can get these for a thousand bucks and a couple of weekends of class if you look around. Or if you have a college degree that’s good enough most parts of South America and Asia, too.

Getting out of your home country will give you a nice break from the routine, let you take advantage of the novelty factor (i.e., you’re the sexy/exotic foreigner, instead of just another average local man), and get away from some of the aspects of Western society that aren’t as friendly toward men right now. You will be refreshed.

You can always return to the U.S. later. But you’ll have a very different perspective on life after sampling more of what the world (and the women of the world) have on offer.

I’d start to plan for this. Research destinations, research cheap tickets.

Win your court case first.

But after you win, time to close this depressing chapter of your life, and open up a new one in a faraway land where everything is different, exciting, and new, the women are beautiful and different, and your life branches off another direction than it otherwise would have gone.

You're in a rut. Time to break out of it.

Chase

Explosive Results said:

That's fantastic!

Keep hanging in there and eventually there will be more light shining through this murky tunnel.

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Thanks, I have my good days and bad so I'm doing better right now. We'll see what happens.

Chase said:

What a ridiculous situation. I don’t blame you for freaking out, RT.

First off, major condolences for your sister. That’s truly terrible. Obviously the tendency is in your family - and obviously it would completely destroy your family to have two suicides in quick succession.

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Thanks, I'm not sure if the tendency was in my family before I came along. I was suicidal starting around the age of 10. Cutting, tried to hang myself once but nothing ever stuck.

I should have known my sister was suicidal. I knew something was off with her but I didn't know what. And after living with depression for over a decade I should have seen it. I can't help but feel like it's partially my fault. She had to come to my rescue when I couldn't even recognize her pain and solitude. I was a partial stressor. I can't see it any other way.

SUICIDE

Quick note on suicide. When I was suicidal at 14, I viewed my upcoming high school years as prison. I was going to have to go every day, suffer through four extremely long years of social isolation, and have no way out. So I went through with it and offed myself… only to change my mind at the last moment and break the noose before I lost consciousness (almost didn’t make it in time though, I’d tied that thing pretty tight. Was on the point of passing out, laughing at myself, going, “Oh man, I’m going to die after I decided I don’t want to. How absurd is this?”). My prediction was right, and I did suffer through (actually, another 8) years of, basically, locked up and isolated. It sucked every bit as much as I expected it would and more. And then I finally fixed things.

So, at this point, I’m like “MAN, I am glad I did not do that!” I haven’t done all the stuff I want to do yet, but I look at what I have done and I think it’s been pretty good. I’ve managed to help a fair few guys, I’ve made my family pretty happy, and I’ve built some things. None of this would exist if I succeeded at 14. My parents would have one child instead of two and would always have that shadow over them. I feel like a huge douche at this point for even considering this as an option.

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I knew from your articles that you had depression at one point, but I never knew that you tried it. I know that a lot of people here thank you for surviving. I even have on one of your articles (Alexander). You do good things for the world.

It's tough to fix things, so it shows a lot of inner fortitude on your part. I thought I'd fixed the majority of my issues but clearly haven't. Today's a better day though, the emptiness is fading, so that helps a lot.

FALSE RAPE ACCUSATIONS

Okay, that out of the way.

False rape accusations usually fall through. Not always; there is still that miscarriage of justice situation. But most courts are pretty good at their jobs.

The police report with contradictions and the lack of any evidence should put you on pretty strong grounds to win. I don’t know enough about preliminary hearings to give any input here.

Click to expand...

At least in Missouri, preliminary hearings almost always go to trial. Even my lawyer believes that it will. He just wants her to repeat her story as often as possible.

I suggest launching a GoFundMe and getting it out on red pill / manosphere sites, Reddit boards, etc., asking for help with your legal defense. Your story is pretty moving, and you should be able to get at least a little help there. It will depend how aggressively you promote it on social media, various sites, etc., of course. I think AVoiceForMen.com specializes in doing stuff with false rape charges, so you might want to check them out and see what resources they have available and recommendations they have for raising legal defense funds.

Click to expand...

That's an awesome idea, and I'd never thought of it. Once the prelim hearing is over and I know how much it will cost I'll do that. That way I could pay my lawyer and my cousin who helped me. As well as my sisters kids, since I can't pay her back for helping me.

You will probably win, based on what you’re telling us here. You might need some help with the bills. Even if you get NO help and get saddled with a bunch of debt, better to be a free man with debt to pay off than an imprisoned one.

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This is true, but if I can't fix my internal issues then either one is the same. Thankfully I remember a time when I was really happy my first year into learning this stuff. So I'm trying to put pieces of what I think made me happy into my life now. Hopefully it'll work.

You can probably also file a civil court case for wrongful prosecution to seek damages + attorney fees, too. I’d talk to my lawyer about this. If he thinks there’s a good chance of winning that one, that’ll be one where he’ll do it for a cut of the winnings (usually 30%), and you won’t have to pay to prosecute the case. Ideally, you win back attorney fees, plus get a nice settlement from your accuser, and come out net ahead financially.

Plus, you’ll give her her comeuppance. Giving a little comeuppance to some ruinous bitch who’s tried to upend your life because she’s insane would be icing on the cake.

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It would be nice, however it's unlikely. Because rape is so under reported they try to discourage things like that. Without tangible evidence I won't have a chance in hell at counter suing, even with trying to blame my sisters suicide on my situation it's unlikely that I would win.

PRISON

If you’re worried about prison: I used to worry about this a lot. But I researched it pretty heavily and there are a lot of potential upsides, actually, and the downsides are manageable.

The major downsides are fights, rape, and falling behind while the world moves ahead. The first two (fights and rape) you get out of the way right away by attacking whoever tries something with you as soon as you get there. Doesn’t matter if you win or not, you just need to hurt the guy (even if he hurts you more). Once the other inmates learn you don’t care if you get hurt so long as you do them some damage too, they stay off your nuts. Most guys I’ve talked to say it only takes that first fight after you arrive for everyone to leave you alone.

On falling behind, you should be reading a ton and getting degrees / learning trades there. The taxpayer is paying to feed you, house you, and let you read and learn unlimited things in there; might as well take advantage of it. I’d love to have more time to read (I mean, not being in prison is better, but if you’ve gotta spend a few years there, well… Lubbock’s list).

Click to expand...

I'll look that list up, thanks for the link.

Also, get Paul Wade’s book “Convict Conditioning” (developed for prisons, but you should start learning it now, even if you think there’s a 0% chance you go to prison - it’s just a fantastic practical strength training system) and Geoff Thompson’s “Dead or Alive: The Choice is Yours.” Maybe take up Krav Maga or Wing Chun. Those things together will make you a complete bad ass in a couple of months, and make you a lot more confident of holding your own in whatever situation (tons and tons of bonuses outside of prison, too).

Click to expand...

It is a beautiful book, and that's actually what I base my workout on already.

Plan on taking up Krav and BJJ at a gym in the next week or so now that I'm doing at least a little better with my job. So it seems that we think alike. Though I've never heard about Geoff's book, I'll have to look it up.

Finally, there was an article I read years ago… Wish I could remember the guy’s name. I cannot for the life of me find the article anymore. But this guy was locked up for 10 years, and was terrified of prison rape, so he just put together this schedule where he never had to interact with the general population ever. He blocked out his day to study for degrees, take classes, work in the kitchen, work in the library, etc. (he said guys would get pissed off at food he served them and would say “See you in the yard!” but he’d be off studying for another degree and never went to the yard). The one time he was with the general population was during rec hour, when they put you outside for an hour, and during that time he’d get on the track, rain or shine, and run laps around the track from the start of that hour to the end of it, so he never had to talk to anyone. The key to this, of course, is taking the 3 or 4 hours to research the various programs at whatever prison they’d send you to (if you were convicted) and build that schedule so you’re going from place to place every day. 3 or 4 hours of work to make prison life a lot easier/better.

Click to expand...

I'll definitely have to look that up.

Anyway. Highly unlikely you do any time, from the sound of it. But still worth preparing anyway. A lot of great men have done time in prison, by the way. Sometimes time to read, reflect, and meditate can calm a man’s mind and open up his potential in ways that would’ve been closed to him without that blessing in disguise.

Click to expand...

Hard to see it that way though, I would lose out on so much of what I am working towards. The golden years would be gone...

EXIT PLAN

Lastly: if I was you, I’d start planning an exit strategy that involves exiting your SITUATION rather than your LIFE.

The U.S. is the worst country in the world for this false rape witch hunt garbage, because the laws and media enable it. I’d plan to leave (I’m assuming you’re in the U.S. here).

Click to expand...

Yup, still in #murica.

It's funny that you mention that though, because I've recently learned about Flag Theory and was going to pursue that within the next two years. But I had a financial plan with photography that I was going to go after in this first year. Which was basically the fake celebrity prank after getting a few more things done with my photography. Can't help but see it as the ultimate marketing tactic:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYU1a0lTTTw

The guy hires some paparazzi, and a few bodyguards and pretends to be a celebrity. And people bought it. And lied about seeing him in Spiderman, or listening to his new single. So rather than some bullshit, I would just be a famous photographer. Though I was also going to take it a littler further than just the bodyguards and paparazzi.

Get some wannabe journalists from the local Nashville colleges, have them do it for some kind of project for cheap. Then get the bodyguards from a strip joint, as well as two escorts for added preselection. Lastly, there's a guy here that rents out super expensive cars and would work out some kind of deal to have him drop me off at my starting point for the tactic.

What the eyes see and the ears hear, the mind believes. Presto, I'm famous. Hand out photography cards that direct back to my work that I'll put up throughout this year.

The only downside is if the fame is fleeting. Half as long twice as bright scenario. There is the risk that nobody checks me out and just let the rush of the moment die out. That's something that I'm trying to figure out how to guard against.

Though there is the possibility of it getting onto Reddit's front page for the hug of death traffic as well as other viral possibilities for an additional chance of it working. Though it's still rather weak...


But if it does work, I'll take out a small loan to implement it and pay it back really fast (something small enough that I could pay back if it fails). Then go back to that bank after it working and getting a loan for a triplex or something like that. Then live for free as I begin preparations for my Flag Theory plan.

That way it skyrockets not only my career, but my investments and helps out my credit score as well.

Go through your court case and win first, of course. You don’t want to flee the country and never be able to come back because you have some case hanging over your head. And if you flee, they may convict you in absentia, since you won’t be there to present your side or hammer your accuser on her contradictory stories.

But after that, get out. Go see the world. It’s not expensive to leave. Go to South America or Eastern Europe or Southeast Asia or whatever tickles your fancy most. Maybe treat yourself to a Full Moon Party in Koh Phangon after you win. Or go buy yourself some hookers in Bangkok if that's your thing. Or go to the Philippines and shag 20 girls in a month (or 50 girls in a month!). Or go to Colombia or Argentina or the Ukraine and get a super sexy girlfriend. Or go to Japan and live in the weirdest, funniest, most high tech society on Earth (and bang a lot of J-girls too).

Click to expand...

I am hoping to after reading some swoop the world articles. It'd be nice to forcefeed my brain some additional abundance mentality and some fucking wins for a change.

If you want to do some prep work, get a TEFL/TESOL certificate so you can easily get English teaching jobs and get better pay. You can get these for a thousand bucks and a couple of weekends of class if you look around. Or if you have a college degree that’s good enough most parts of South America and Asia, too.

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Didn't know there was a certificate that you could get... I'll have to look into that as well!

Though a few ideas I had for travel was to incorporate my freelance writing skills as well as photography skills. Then, lastly, the hobbies that I get into. I ballroom dance, for example, and there are a lot of older people that dance for the most part. They also like to travel. It'd be cool to organize some trips using that idea as there are a few that make a living off of just that.

I wouldn't take it that far, but it would be a nice thing to do from time to time.

On that same note, there's a guy on this forum that built a social circle that I plan on doing as well. Though altering it as I don't like to actually party:
viewtopic.php?f=4&t=4671

Getting out of your home country will give you a nice break from the routine, let you take advantage of the novelty factor (i.e., you’re the sexy/exotic foreigner, instead of just another average local man), and get away from some of the aspects of Western society that aren’t as friendly toward men right now. You will be refreshed.

You can always return to the U.S. later. But you’ll have a very different perspective on life after sampling more of what the world (and the women of the world) have on offer.

I’d start to plan for this. Research destinations, research cheap tickets.

Click to expand...

It's in the cards. The idea was to at least have the Flag Theory plan in motion by 2020.

Win your court case first.

Click to expand...

Hopefully. Though that gofundme was a brilliant idea that I'd never thought of. That would help tremendously and I'll look into it and start preparing for it. Though I would wait until after the prelim hearing before implementing, which is only a few weeks away and the trial itself would be months afterwards.

Though being on bond helps with that.

But after you win, time to close this depressing chapter of your life, and open up a new one in a faraway land where everything is different, exciting, and new, the women are beautiful and different, and your life branches off another direction than it otherwise would have gone.

You're in a rut. Time to break out of it.

Chase

Click to expand...

I really hope to man, I really do.

I appreciate all the awesome advice!

-Alexander/Regal Tiger

Alexander-

Glad it was useful, man.

There is a theory on suicide as adaptive behavior: Is Killing Yourself Adaptive? That Depends: An Evolutionary Theory About Suicide.

From the article:

Jesse Bering said:

So let’s turn our attention now to human suicide. To crystallize his position, I present deCatanzaro’s “mathematical model of self-preservation and self-destruction” (circa 1986):


Ψi = ρi + Σbkρkrk


Where Ψi = the optimal degree of self-preservation expressed by individual i (the residual capacity to promote inclusive fitness);

ρi = the remaining reproductive potential of i;

ρk = the remaining reproductive potential of each kinship member k;

bk = a coefficient of benefit (positive values of b k ) or cost (negative values of b k ) to the reproduction of each k provided by the continued existence of i (-1 ≤ b ≤ 1);

rk = the coefficient of genetic relatedness of each k to i (sibling, parent, child = .5; grandparent, grandchild, nephew or niece, aunt or uncle = .25; first cousin = .125; etc.).


For the mathematically disinclined, this can all be translated rather straightforwardly as follows: People are most likely to commit suicide when their direct reproductive prospects are discouraging and, simultaneously, their continued existence is perceived, whether correctly or incorrectly, as reducing inclusive fitness by interfering with their genetic kin’s reproduction. Importantly, deCatanzaro, as well as other independent researchers, have presented data that support this adaptive model.

Click to expand...

It may be the case that your sister and you both read a distressed environment with poor resources and opportunities stretched between the two of you. If that's the case - that'd depend on that model being correct, which it may not be - but if it is, both of your suicidal natures may have been unconscious calculations saying, "I want to remove pressure from my sister/brother so that s/he can succeed."

If so, her going first is not her 'quitting', so much as it is her sacrificing. In this case, if the model is right, for you.

You do your sister honor by enduring. You carry her hopes and dreams with you now. I would hope you weather whatever storms may come. And I would suspect she still does too (if you're skeptical about post-death intelligence, and I know a lot of folks in the West right now are super nihilistic... might even be a depression/suicide-nihilism connection - I know I went suicidal within a few months of dropping religion and turning nihilistic back at 14 - I suggest this podcast/transcript interview with Dr. Gregory Shushan for a perspective you haven't heard anywhere else that will make you go, "Huh.").

--

Three final tips:

1. I see a lot of plans here that are awesome, but complex and/or somewhat distant (e.g., "Do X cool thing... 3 years from now"). Complex plans, in my experience, have a tendency to get caught up on things. Which leads to stumbling, lagging, snagging, frustration, and more depression.

Couple things I learned about not-depressed people when I studied this back while depressed:

• Not-depressed people make simple plans that grow into more complex ones organically. e.g., do one simple thing. Then do another thing that builds on that one thing. Then build on top of that. Etc.

• Not-depressed people focus on taking action on the things they want most immediately. Seems like you are doing this with some things already, so you should be on that path. You're probably okay on this one right now. But if it ever gets to the point where you're like, "What should I do? I don't know what to do," my advice is to pick something you want to do, like start the photography thing (even if on a shoe-string budget so you can start immediately) or pull up stakes and book a one-way ticket to Brazil or Belarus or Cambodia that leaves 2 weeks after you decide to do it, then get to it.

I've basically followed this plan since late 2004, and once I beat depression it was gone. Simplicity makes a huge difference.

2. I suggest you set a "do X before suicide" goal. I did that after 14 and it saved my life. I knew I was a suicide risk, so I said, "Okay Chase. No suicide until you've had sex. Then you can go off yourself the next day if you want. But you don't get to be some weak-ass virgin suicide." I set that goal specifically because I knew once I shagged a girl, I'd have beat my worst social problems, I'd know how to talk to people and how to get girls, and I wouldn't want to suicide anymore.

So if I was you, I'd look to set a "No suicide until..." goal that aims at solving your biggest problem. Seems like this is the crux of your problem:

Regal Tiger said:

I got into game to find a life partner. Someone that I could just relax around and be myself. But nobody wants the real me. The real me is fun loving, laughs easily and often and is just a general goof. An intelligent and athletic goof, but still... Whenever people see me they leave me. It's only my mask that people find me interesting.

Click to expand...

I think I'd do this: "No suicide until I've fucked a life-partner quality girl and made her fall in love. Then I can suicide 1000x if I want to."

3. Make sure your escape plan covers both #s 1 and 2. Should be simple, and put you a lot closer toward getting that awesome life partner girl. Also should allow for a complete reset. It could be "Move to the Midwest, do freelance, and meet a down-to-Earth Midwestern gal who digs me for me." It could be "Book a one-way ticket to Estonia and bang my way through Estonian chicks until I find that perfect girl while doing freelance and/or teaching English."

Whatever it is, it needs to be simple. Should take very little planning / e.g., sell all your stuff and go, or in the case of the English teaching one, take a 3-week course to get certified, then book a 1-way ticket, then sell all your stuff, say your farewells to everyone, maybe send out a brief "I'm leaving the country in two weeks!" text to every girl in your phone and see who wants to meet up for some farewell sex before you leave, and go.

And it needs to offer you a total reset, where everything is fresh and new and different again, to pull you out of ruminative thoughts (e.g., depression's obsessive, self-obsessed thought cycles), force you into the now, and put you on the path toward completing your Goal #2.

Again, hope this helps.

Kind of a slow process climbing out of depression/suicide. Doesn't happen over night. It takes a lot of changed habits, sometimes a changed environment.

You've likely read my article on it, but I'll drop it again here anyway, too:

How to Overcome Depression

One step at a time. Beat this court case, get this psycho chick off your nuts (I mean, this is, like, the kind of chick who gets strangled by her abusive boyfriend at age 32 or something and found in a dumpster. Not the kind of person you want to be like, "Oh yeah, he suicided because some loser chick who got strangled later hit him with a court case" - screw that chick, she's rubbish), then revamp your life. So many cool things to do in this world, so many spectacular women, especially outside whatever town you're living in. Every place, every city, every country, every culture, is fresh, different, and a blast of new awesome stuff to see, food to taste, and women to experience. Once you start bouncing around, you're not going to want to stop. And you're going to be pretty glad you didn't hit life's off ramp too soon, too.

-C

Chase said:

Alexander-

Glad it was useful, man.

There is a theory on suicide as adaptive behavior: Is Killing Yourself Adaptive? That Depends: An Evolutionary Theory About Suicide.

From the article:

Jesse Bering said:

So let’s turn our attention now to human suicide. To crystallize his position, I present deCatanzaro’s “mathematical model of self-preservation and self-destruction” (circa 1986):


Ψi = ρi + Σbkρkrk


Where Ψi = the optimal degree of self-preservation expressed by individual i (the residual capacity to promote inclusive fitness);

ρi = the remaining reproductive potential of i;

ρk = the remaining reproductive potential of each kinship member k;

bk = a coefficient of benefit (positive values of b k ) or cost (negative values of b k ) to the reproduction of each k provided by the continued existence of i (-1 ≤ b ≤ 1);

rk = the coefficient of genetic relatedness of each k to i (sibling, parent, child = .5; grandparent, grandchild, nephew or niece, aunt or uncle = .25; first cousin = .125; etc.).


For the mathematically disinclined, this can all be translated rather straightforwardly as follows: People are most likely to commit suicide when their direct reproductive prospects are discouraging and, simultaneously, their continued existence is perceived, whether correctly or incorrectly, as reducing inclusive fitness by interfering with their genetic kin’s reproduction. Importantly, deCatanzaro, as well as other independent researchers, have presented data that support this adaptive model.

Click to expand...

Click to expand...

That makes sense, if I remember right it's also something that you (or somebody else) talked about in an article about Elliot Rogers. It talked about how people that do murder suicide never target family members, even if they're a stressor. But they kill others to further their gene pool in a way... or something to that effect.

This also coincides with my experiences when I almost went down that path myself back as a Freshman.

It may be the case that your sister and you both read a distressed environment with poor resources and opportunities stretched between the two of you. If that's the case - that'd depend on that model being correct, which it may not be - but if it is, both of your suicidal natures may have been unconscious calculations saying, "I want to remove pressure from my sister/brother so that s/he can succeed."

If so, her going first is not her 'quitting', so much as it is her sacrificing. In this case, if the model is right, for you.

Click to expand...

I could see that model working, but what doesn't fit is the fact that she had plenty of money. And plenty of resources. The lawyer I have is one of hers.

She had two kids. Though she was going through her own mess with her separated husband. It wasn't until after that I found out she considered him her best friend. Losing someone like that is tough, I've been there as I'm sure others have. It's not easy but it must be compounded when it's your husband and father to your children.

You do your sister honor by enduring. You carry her hopes and dreams with you now. I would hope you weather whatever storms may come. And I would suspect she still does too (if you're skeptical about post-death intelligence, and I know a lot of folks in the West right now are super nihilistic... might even be a depression/suicide-nihilism connection - I know I went suicidal within a few months of dropping religion and turning nihilistic back at 14 - I suggest this podcast/transcript interview with Dr. Gregory Shushan for a perspective you haven't heard anywhere else that will make you go, "Huh.").

Click to expand...

I'll look into that link, but at the moment I don't believe in such things. A different viewpoint but I'll still look into it, I do enjoy different perspectives.

--

Three final tips:

1. I see a lot of plans here that are awesome, but complex and/or somewhat distant (e.g., "Do X cool thing... 3 years from now"). Complex plans, in my experience, have a tendency to get caught up on things. Which leads to stumbling, lagging, snagging, frustration, and more depression.

Click to expand...

It's one of my weakeness'. As an ENTJ I'm sure you can relate somewhat, but I'm an ENTP and it fits incredibly well. Just the simple act of thinking and planning is pleasurable to me. But the plans are all inclusive of different goals as well as step by step.

Right now I'm simply working on the foundation as well as paying off some debt that I incurred when I took a gamble on my writing. Didn't pan out, sadly, but that's alright. Should be done with it soon now that I have a job

Couple things I learned about not-depressed people when I studied this back while depressed:

• Not-depressed people make simple plans that grow into more complex ones organically. e.g., do one simple thing. Then do another thing that builds on that one thing. Then build on top of that. Etc.

• Not-depressed people focus on taking action on the things they want most immediately. Seems like you are doing this with some things already, so you should be on that path. You're probably okay on this one right now. But if it ever gets to the point where you're like, "What should I do? I don't know what to do," my advice is to pick something you want to do, like start the photography thing (even if on a shoe-string budget so you can start immediately) or pull up stakes and book a one-way ticket to Brazil or Belarus or Cambodia that leaves 2 weeks after you decide to do it, then get to it.

I've basically followed this plan since late 2004, and once I beat depression it was gone. Simplicity makes a huge difference.

Click to expand...

I agree with you that simple is almost always better. There's less of a cognitive load, less stress and just less of everything to detract from what you need to do. But I just can't stop looking ahead. One of my greater strengths and weakness'.

Though it's not that complicated.
It's just pay off debt and hone craft during 2017.
Do fun idea that I've been wanting to do for a while now (on a warm day, I fucking hate the cold)
Did it work? Proceed to next step
Did it not work? Proceed to next step anyways
Flag Theory

2. I suggest you set a "do X before suicide" goal. I did that after 14 and it saved my life. I knew I was a suicide risk, so I said, "Okay Chase. No suicide until you've had sex. Then you can go off yourself the next day if you want. But you don't get to be some weak-ass virgin suicide." I set that goal specifically because I knew once I shagged a girl, I'd have beat my worst social problems, I'd know how to talk to people and how to get girls, and I wouldn't want to suicide anymore.

So if I was you, I'd look to set a "No suicide until..." goal that aims at solving your biggest problem. Seems like this is the crux of your problem:

Regal Tiger said:

I got into game to find a life partner. Someone that I could just relax around and be myself. But nobody wants the real me. The real me is fun loving, laughs easily and often and is just a general goof. An intelligent and athletic goof, but still... Whenever people see me they leave me. It's only my mask that people find me interesting.

Click to expand...

I think I'd do this: "No suicide until I've fucked a life-partner quality girl and made her fall in love. Then I can suicide 1000x if I want to."

Click to expand...

That's a pretty good idea, though I've already been with my ideal type. Twice. Just can't keep them around.

Something to fix this? Meet more women. How? Go daygame specifically to meet women rather than doing online game as well as just running into rando's in my day to day.

Got a pen and a little booklet specifically for this purpose. I'll just chuck that motherfucker at some pretty gal's feet and use that as an indirect approach lmao.

Though on a warm day. I don't like the cold, but it's finally starting to warm up.

From your relationship articles it seems to be a combination of boredom and longterm value. Which is precisely why I created the photography plan in the first place. To see if having more long term value will fix the issue. Or at least give me something to do if it doesn't. Having different things to do would also fix the boredom problem.

And if those ideas don't fix those problems, well, at least I'll be having fun. So either way it's a win which would fix some internal problems which should, theoretically, fix the external problem. So either way it should work eventually.

3. Make sure your escape plan covers both #s 1 and 2. Should be simple, and put you a lot closer toward getting that awesome life partner girl. Also should allow for a complete reset. It could be "Move to the Midwest, do freelance, and meet a down-to-Earth Midwestern gal who digs me for me." It could be "Book a one-way ticket to Estonia and bang my way through Estonian chicks until I find that perfect girl while doing freelance and/or teaching English."

Click to expand...

Right now my escape plan is basically just something to work on... with any luck my debt I have at the moment will be paid off in a few months. The new debt however... well with any luck the gofundme idea will work out.

Whatever it is, it needs to be simple. Should take very little planning / e.g., sell all your stuff and go, or in the case of the English teaching one, take a 3-week course to get certified, then book a 1-way ticket, then sell all your stuff, say your farewells to everyone, maybe send out a brief "I'm leaving the country in two weeks!" text to every girl in your phone and see who wants to meet up for some farewell sex before you leave, and go.

And it needs to offer you a total reset, where everything is fresh and new and different again, to pull you out of ruminative thoughts (e.g., depression's obsessive, self-obsessed thought cycles), force you into the now, and put you on the path toward completing your Goal #2.

Click to expand...

That makes sense.

A hard life reset would be nice... though I believe that's what my ideas are supposed to do. Or maybe I'm just justifying it that way because of a bias. They are my ideas so the mind naturally wants to hang onto them.

Though there's no reason that I have to do them here either... if I moved it would accelerate the idea for a travel blog. And I never knew about that teaching certificate...

Again, hope this helps.

Click to expand...

It does! Talking about things and being given ideas and viewpoints I wasn't aware of before helps from a solution perspective while just talking seems to help as well.

I appreciate it!

Kind of a slow process climbing out of depression/suicide. Doesn't happen over night. It takes a lot of changed habits, sometimes a changed environment.

You've likely read my article on it, but I'll drop it again here anyway, too:

How to Overcome Depression

Click to expand...

Got it bookmarked, tis a good one

One step at a time. Beat this court case, get this psycho chick off your nuts (I mean, this is, like, the kind of chick who gets strangled by her abusive boyfriend at age 32 or something and found in a dumpster.

Click to expand...

Unfortunately I don't think she's a psycho. My cousin has a theory that she lives with either a boyfriend or parents and they caught her coming home late. And rather than own up to it she just said 'Oh, I was raped. Therefore it's not my fault'. Which kind of makes sense in its own way. It was really terrible sex and since she came right over there wasn't any sort of connection. Why not throw some stranger under the bus. Especially since there's literally no downside for her.

Not the kind of person you want to be like, "Oh yeah, he suicided because some loser chick who got strangled later hit him with a court case" - screw that chick, she's rubbish), then revamp your life. So many cool things to do in this world, so many spectacular women, especially outside whatever town you're living in. Every place, every city, every country, every culture, is fresh, different, and a blast of new awesome stuff to see, food to taste, and women to experience. Once you start bouncing around, you're not going to want to stop. And you're going to be pretty glad you didn't hit life's off ramp too soon, too.

-C

Click to expand...

This is true, but the suicide is only an option if I end up in prison. Being in jail for two weeks drove me insane. The boredom alone was murder. Then there's all the other shit that comes with it, which would be much worse in prison. I was just in a jail.

But to tell ya the truth, I don't think I could just lose 20 or so years of my life. I already felt like I lost my childhood and that I was only born a few years ago.

But if I win, it shouldn't be that much of an issue. Can't thank ya enough for that gofundme idea. And everything else helps as well!

-A


EDIT:
That article about suicide was interesting, though it's hard to say that bumblebees who have been infected were anymore suicidal than say, an army soldier jumping on a grenade to save his comrades. The linked article about suicide as an escape from the self was also interesting. When you commit suicide you don't see anyway out, all you see is pain. They were good reads, thanks for linking them.

Hey man,

I'm gonnna read all of this but this is probably better dealt with over a call. I have some very, very relevant information and can help walk you through this. Send me a private message with a way to contact you (Skype or whatever) so we can have a call about this.

Will also give a thread response soon.

Hector

Hey man,

I have my own story about depression. I know what it feels like and having subsequent suicide thoughts. PM me and I'll go into more details if you want. It's a long story. However I do wanna encourage you. My brother also dealt with this but the case was dismissed since she had no real evidence. I hope your case is dismissed as well. Keep living. There's more life you'll want to experience as Chase was talking about. So good luck with everything.

~Yhaceed

Hey Alexander / Regal Tiger,

I don't have better advice than what was already said here, and just want to express my solidarity with you.

Hoping you'll go through that safely. Sometimes in life you have to keep being strong during the dark moments, so that you can enjoy the bright light awaiting thereafter. This life is definitely worth living, and fighting for.

Good luck!
Seppuku
PS. And awesome response from GC team, you guys rock!

Yhaceed said:

Hey man,

I have my own story about depression. I know what it feels like and having subsequent suicide thoughts. PM me and I'll go into more details if you want. It's a long story. However I do wanna encourage you. My brother also dealt with this but the case was dismissed since she had no real evidence. I hope your case is dismissed as well. Keep living. There's more life you'll want to experience as Chase was talking about. So good luck with everything.

~Yhaceed

Click to expand...

Let's hope so as well. I'm having a good day today, I met up with my pseudo sister (another long ass story) today who I haven't seen in a few years. She has the personality type that I click with so we get along really well.

Today was a good day, though I have my bad days as well...

And sure, I'll PM you. Maybe I can help.

Seppuku said:

Hey Alexander / Regal Tiger,

I don't have better advice than what was already said here, and just want to express my solidarity with you.

Hoping you'll go through that safely. Sometimes in life you have to keep being strong during the dark moments, so that you can enjoy the bright light awaiting thereafter. This life is definitely worth living, and fighting for.

Good luck!
Seppuku
PS. And awesome response from GC team, you guys rock!

Click to expand...

I appreciate it, and definitely agree with you. The GC team has been a huge help overall.

Today's a good day, but my bad days remind me how shitty everything's been. I go to some dark places, mentally speaking...

Taking Hector's advice though and getting back into game. Though I'm giving up on online game, so daygame it is lol. No real results yet, but time will tell and should have an easier time since I was pretty good at online already.

And let this be a lesson to all: condoms are important, yes, but not as important as a god damned tape recorder. I don't think I'll ever manage a boner without one.


And thanks again for the responses!

I plan on doing a gofundme when I find out what the end damage will be and I plan on sharing it across the manosphere, including here. Would greatly appreciate it if people shared it and/or donated to it.
I had a court date on Tuesday, which I thought was my preliminary hearing but turns out it was just the date to set my preliminary hearing. Which is now May 11th. So I won't know anything until then. But once I get an estimate of cost I'll be doing Chase's idea.


Kind of nice that it coincides nicely with my pseudo sister's graduation date though, so that's a nice thing. Have to take the small wins where I can right now lol.


I may not have my half-sister anymore, but I do still have people. It's kind of weird sometimes to know that, but it's nice. It helps the bad days to know that I'm not isolated anymore.

UPDATES: 3 sections. 1st is about the case, the 2nd is about some good things and the 3rd is.... to be honest I don't know what it is

Skip around as you please

About the case:
Welp, looks like it's going to go to trial after all...

I get to make the 7.5 hour drive yet again on Thursday to say "No your honor, I didn't rape her". That's it. That's the fun little drive. Just like the first one was to set up a time for the preliminary hearing (isn't the Just-Us system great??)

Still not sure how you can force someone to perform oral sex on you without applying force or using a weapon but apparently the courts believe it's possible.... ffs...


Go Fund Me doesn't allow any legal cases to be put on there so I created something else instead. Funded Justice is what it's called and I've sent it out it out to a few groups, I think around 15 (manosphere sites, mgtow, mra and etc.). Only heard back from a Facebook group that said that they would post it and never did.

Le sigh.... =.=


To be honest, I've debated putting the link here or not. Some part of me doesn't want to taint this place with this crap. But I do need help spreading the message if anyone wants to. I would greatly appreciate it. Or if people just want to read it then that would be fine as well: http://fnd.us/31ExM6?ref=sh_c6eaK7

I wrote it on my sisters birthday though so it kind of degrades quickly at the end. Sorry about that


As for other life updates; it still sucks. But I suppose it sucks less than it did. Still trying to get things turned around.

On the plus side I don't believe that prison is even an option anymore. The case is just too retarded to fathom coming back with a guilty verdict. On the negative side I'll be out 10 grand at the moment and a possible 10 extra for good measure.

WARNING TO ALL MEN: carry a tape recorder with you and record (at the very least, audio record) all sexual encounters you have from now on. Why do I say this? Because the state's entire case against me is "Because she said so".

Seriously!

These assholes can't even prove that sex happened and they're going to try to make a claim for rape! That's how fucking stupid the legal system is!

PROTECT YOURSELF!

I now believe that my recorder (that I don't leave the house without) is much more important than condoms!


Happy Updates:
Though not all is doom and gloom. My cousin's real estate business has been taking off and he just hired me to do some ad copywriting work for him. Once it's rolling it'll be some nice semi-passive income for me. Then if he gives me even one referral I'll probably be able to start working on my flag theory goals. If you don't know what that is but want to know then send me a message, I'm happy to talk about it

Though it's still in the western world I'm thinking Australia first since it'll be quick to get their citizenship and it won't be that big of a shock at first getting started. Then after renouncing my US citizenship (one of only two countries in the world to tax you on foreign income) (and Australia's pass gets you into the US visa free for 3 months) I'll have to start work on another one... might choose somewhere cheap in South America... still thinking on that one... thanks to that first girl I really fell for I now have a thing for Latina's...

Though it'll likely take over a year for that to really get started it does mean that not all is lost if this funded justice thing flops. Possibly...

Life still sucks ass but at least I'm moving forward. Maybe it'll turn into something down the road. Then again I really would like to gorge myself on chocolate and ice cream until I have a heart attack.... still debating.... probably going to get a Crunch bar now lol



Other updates/emotional rant of sorts:

If I'm being honest, I don't feel much emotion anymore. I recently found out that the weekend that my sister hung herself she was supposed to be in Costa Rica. Guess why she didn't go...

So in a way, I did kill my sister... and now all I feel is anger and hatred. With rare moments of feeling nothing by emptiness as I do right now...

I think a large part of myself was buried with my sister and I'm not sure that I even want that part of myself back. I don't know if that's good or bad.

I told some of this to Hector, who helped me out a lot by talking to me, but I had a pretty rough childhood. I've always felt broken for the most part. Now I just feel empty.

To tell ya the truth; I don't know what direction I want to go with these feelings. I'm not sure if it's worth even attempting to fight them or just ignore them like I have been. Ignoring seemed to get me through my childhood, seems like a real winner at the moment.

Part of the anger I feel though is at myself, not just because of my sister but because of my own failures. I used to take great pride in the fact that I never needed anyone's help as a child. I got through everything on my own. I parented myself, I taught myself and I felt love from only myself. People didn't even want to help me until I was already an adult. And now I can't get by without someone holding my hand... it's incredibly pathetic...

In jail I thought things could have been different. A few days before she died I got to talk to her. I told her that as a kid I felt completely alone and that nobody cared about me. But I told her that I was really happy that people were helping me now. I told her that things were going to be different and that I loved her.

And now she's gone... and it should have been me! shes the one with a family! the one who had ambitions, dreams talents and everything and now shes gone
shes the one that had things to offer the world besides hatred

it really should have beenme
and i'm sorryh

hey mate,

shit sucks, but we all still here, still rooting for you. there is still much good that you can do in life, keep reaching for it and when that breakthrough comes, it'll be incredible. no it shdnt have been you, nor your sister for that matter, it happened, and we can't change it, but I believe that if you give yourself the shot, things will work out eventually. keep us updated man, and good luck out there.

demainor said:

hey mate,

shit sucks, but we all still here, still rooting for you. there is still much good that you can do in life, keep reaching for it and when that breakthrough comes, it'll be incredible. no it shdnt have been you, nor your sister for that matter, it happened, and we can't change it, but I believe that if you give yourself the shot, things will work out eventually. keep us updated man, and good luck out there.

Click to expand...

Thank you, I will keep updating people.

I'm kinda messed up... I'm not suicidal anymore so there's no worries there. But it's weird to think about. Everyone really thought if anyone in the family was going to do it then it was going to be me. Then she comes outta left field...

I do still wish that I could trade places with her though...

Regal Tiger,

Let me know by PM if you're serious about coming to Australia. I can make sure you have a job and place set up once you get here.

Nick