She wants to get exclusive too soon

[Lover]

It has happened a couple of times, latest tonight. You sleep with a girl a couple of times within a month, and she comes over again and claims now she can't do this any longer unless you get exclusive

Maybe it's because I have too much provider value

Maybe it's because some of these women have a biological clock ticking

Maybe I text too much to keep things hot and not leaving enough space for the other person to wonder about me, miss etc.

This one said she had an experience with an ex cheating on her, and somehow this meant she could only continue exclusively when she really thought it through

Sometimes a frame along the lines of "let's focus on the present moment for now. All I know is I like spending time with you" works. Sometimes it doesn't

This one was persistent and stuck to her ideals. She tried to convince me by not giving it up. I tried to convince her of my way by first teasing her and escalating slowly, but eventually realizing it wasn't working and gradually letting her know she had to go. She did pretty abruptly but I guess it is what it is

I wonder if there are other ways to go on about this? And when do you accept it's not going to work and move on?

 

[Chase]

@Lover,

Does this happen to you consistently (i.e., with most/every girl) or is it a sporadic thing?

If it's happening sporadically, any differences between the girls it happens to you with and the girls it does not?

Chase

 

[Lover]

@Lover,

Does this happen to you consistently (i.e., with most/every girl) or is it a sporadic thing?

If it's happening sporadically, any differences between the girls it happens to you with and the girls it does not?

Chase

It happens from time to time. Not consistently.

I think the girls it has not happened with, they either used me for one time, didn't show any care about my provider values (for whatever reason) or probably thought I was out of their league or too different from them. Some of them also studied or worked in the same line of work as myself (like the girls it did happen with).

I'm of Middle Eastern origin, and I was born and raised in a Scandinavian country. This may or may not have influenced their decisions.

One girl it happened with some years ago: We were similar in terms of country/cultural backgrounds and educational interests. She was in her early 20's back then when I was mid 20's. I think she was blinded by my provider value. We slept together twice before I eventually told her this obviously wasn't going to work if she wanted exclusivity this bad. She had an experience with an engaged guy before me that on the surface seemed to bother her but I don't remember the details. I left her with a feeling of her playing the victim card to get me to feel sorry for her.

I texted a girl from online during early COVID pandemic that shared a very similar story as the girl above. We never met, but she tried the same thing before we even met lol. Then I moved and never got back to her

It has happened with two more girls the last two years after I moved - one of them is the one that made me create this thread. I worked with them previously.

The common things for these two: they both have children and were getting divorced when things started to get hot between us. It's obvious they hope to stay single for as little time as possible

The current one claims to have a history of an ex cheating and uses this as her reason to get exclusive. I haven't tried to figure out what her exact concern is about this.

The other was with her childhood love (and some guys she herself kissed with sporadically during her marriage) before she slept with me. She would mention exclusivity and a relationship casually until she tried to ramp it up and really nail me down. She got turned on from the challenge that I didn't give it up to her, and slept with me for some months until she found Mr Right.

I have a feeling it will happen more if I keep meeting girls around my own age (early 30's). That's why I'm curious about which frames to set to increase odds of bypassing their exclusivity hunt

 

[Lover]

Fun thing:

The girl that made me make this thread. She left my place abruptly the other day. I thought she was pissed about me telling her to go home. But she hit me up two days ago and we texted as if nothing had happened. Then asked me yesterday if I was home before traveling. She came over, and she was still hung up on exclusivity before more sex

I decided to get to the root of her insecurities instead of dodging it. An ex cheated and also somewhat shoved it in her face. This also made her feel like she wasn't good enough, and she didn't like competing with other girls for fear of not getting picked. I was out late one evening recently, and that reminded her of him. She never got over this insecurity despite getting out of a 10 year long relationship with another guy.

Furthermore, she's afraid of investing too much if it doesn't lead anything and that I will use her for my own pleasure. This will get important later

I then got personal myself and told stories about me getting exclusive too fast and also never getting exclusive despite trying to (true stories). And how both were bad, and how I felt it was better to see what happens. And I didn't guarantee exclusivity would happen down the road,

It's not that she didn't want the sex. She wanted to feel safer about it. I challenged her a bit by getting selfish back at her. Told her that I don't like to rush exclusivity because of my past. And that we were just both being selfish, which was a completely human thing to be. She didn't deny this

She wanted us to look for solutions where both our needs were met. We couldn't think of any that were in both our favors. And I would prefer to end things instead of trying to drag things out.

Hours passed, and she had to go home. But she couldn't let me go either. We were just caressing each other.

Then, for reasons unknown, I got more verbal about

1) what I liked doing to her sexually

2) WHY I liked doing it - because she is exciting and charming. And it makes me want to give HER pleasure, unlike what she was afraid of. And I can give myself pleasure anytime alone

3) how trying to tie me down would lead to me feeling restricted about it, and she wouldn't be able to get everything her way

Things got hot, and she was getting mesmerized about my desire for HER. After a long foreplay, I took her to bed once again, for our hottest time yet. She told me in bed how she loved that I was this stubborn/persistent, and how was she supposed to let me go when I gave it to her this good, again. We went raw the first time... she claims to have an IUD

in conclusion
I think staying true to my own beliefs, and making the sex about me giving her pleasure, eventually made her accept the circumstances and give in. At least for this time. Who knows about next time when I'm back from the holidays...

 

[Funkus Maximus]

Appreciated you sharing this Lover! Makes me reflect on how I can be a better communicator..

Sometimes I can actually stick to my guns.. or at least not always take things at face value when a woman tells me it has to be exclusive ASAP.. I have a discussion on this coming up in a couple of weeks with a girl and going to keep this in mind. Keep the value of what I'm bringing in the conversation.. But only after diving deep into her side of it..

. Food for thought thanks man.. Sorry don't have a lot to contribute back on this topic!

I have a history of folding as soon as exclusivity is asked.. So I will take my first step to challenging that

 

[Lover]

Appreciated you sharing this Lover! Makes me reflect on how I can be a better communicator..

Sometimes I can actually stick to my guns.. or at least not always take things at face value when a woman tells me it has to be exclusive ASAP.. I have a discussion on this coming up in a couple of weeks with a girl and going to keep this in mind. Keep the value of what I'm bringing in the conversation.. But only after diving deep into her side of it..

. Food for thought thanks man.. Sorry don't have a lot to contribute back on this topic!

I have a history of folding as soon as exclusivity is asked.. So I will take my first step to challenging that

Appreciate the kind words, @Funkus Maximus! Let us know how it goes