Relationship Management and Partying with Friends

[Danny]

Hey Everyone I had a quick question. I have been in a long term relationship with this girl for about 6 months now and things have been going well. We are both in a smaller minority culture that has an emphasis on marriage and living with family, so we are moving in a direction of more seriousness. We are also currently long distance because I am in professional(medical) school and she now works in another city with one of her friends. Based on what she has said, She parties with her friends and goes to the club occasionally. I know @Chase has several articles talking about not letting a girlfriend party at the club with her friends due to unnecessary risks and putting herself in environments that are not conducive to a relationship. I think she would be open for me to discuss it with her. I have read the articles Chase has posted, but I am having trouble figuring out what words to say to her exactly because I also don't want to seem insecure. I just want to avoid future headaches and I think Chase made some pretty compelling arguments. I think she wants out to go out this weekend for memorial weekend. Any suggestions on how to bring this topic up or if I should let it go?

I was thinking along the lines of my saying
"Hey babe, I wanted to talk to you about something, I think that as our relationship gets more serious we need to be mindful of the environments we put ourselves into and avoid temptations that can strain a relationship. I understand that you want to hang out with your friends and have a good time and its harder because I am not there in person at the moment, and I trust you, but I don't trust the environment or the other people there. As humans our willpower is limited and our emotions take over and usually win and this is even more so if alcohol is involved. I am not going to stop you from hanging out, but I would like you to be mindful of the riskiness of the situation and the consequences that can follow."

Does this sound like a reasonable way to bring up this issue? Any suggestions for improvement. Her roommates are her college friends that want to go out more.

 

[Ambiance]

There are three grave mistakes you have made:

1. Going long distance to begin with - long distance relationships are HORRIBLE for men and should never be entered into. The combination of being monogamous and not having sex (since your GF is in another city) is a death knell for your testosterone levels, which affect everything. Meanwhile, your GF will be less invested in the relationship and will act as a single person does... Never get into a LDR, with the possible exception of if you know you will be permanently reunited within at worst 3 months, and if you can spend at least a week of each month apart together.

2. Allowing your serious girlfriend to party without you- terrible idea. This can only hurt you. Parties are the most temptation filled events out there, and in no way conducive to a serious relationship. Not to mention, party girls do not make good girlfriends. What girl respects a man who lets her get dressed up for other men at a club, flirt with other men at a club, and perhaps worse with other men at a club?

3. Already thinking about marriage after 6 MONTHS, a portion of which has been spent long distance? - Why are you allowing whatever minority culture you are apart of to force major life decisions on you? Why are you considering marriage when your brain is still chemically altered by the new relationship honeymoon hormones flooding it? When you have had mere months to vet a someone for a lifelong role? A potential mother to your future children? I don't know if I should help you or euthanize you!

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Precedent of you allowing her to party without you and keep you monogamous despite not living near you has already been set. I'm sure your marriage views have also bled through in how you act around her. Your only hope of repairing things is by fixing the location issue stat, and by telling her you made a mistake letting her party without you, and you can't have a partner who does such a thing. Then let her either stop on her own, or you move on.

If you cannot fix the long distance problem, you need to end the relationship, for her sake but more importantly for your own.

I know I am coming across harsh, but this is exactly what I needed to hear when I once made similar mistakes to yours.

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Please read the below article from Chase, as it very much pertains to the absolute folly of long distance relationships and letting your woman party without you: https://www.girlschase.com/article/10-things-forbid-your-committed-gf-or-wife-doing

This forum post by Chase further goes into the evils of LDRs: https://www.skilledseducer.com/threads/ldrs-why-the-girls-usually-do-the-breaking-up.16553/

 

[topcat]

I’ve had female housemates with long distance boyfriends, they remained faithful for a couple months..with time and distance they started letting other men in. Note I said MEN. It was always strange how easily they justified it to themselves as well, as though it were the most excusable thing ever given their man was so far away..she still loved him after all, but he wasn’t there with her. Took his calls and everything.. You’ll be none the wiser..

 

[Danny]

I understand what you guys are saying and you are right, but the long distance part is ending in 3 months , and we will be in the same place again. I know its not a good idea in general, but it is temporary. I understand why it is a bad situation and why it is wrong.

I know she should not party. That is why I am asking if the message I wrote is good enough to say to her. I wanted to know what I should actually say to her in a proper way that is clear and not insecure. What do you think I should say to her about the partying?

 

[topcat]

I understand what you guys are saying and you are right, but the long distance part is ending in 3 months , and we will be in the same place again. I know its not a good idea in general, but it is temporary. I understand why it is a bad situation and why it is wrong.

I know she should not party. That is why I am asking if the message I wrote is good enough to say to her. I wanted to know what I should actually say to her in a proper way that is clear and not insecure. What do you think I should say to her about the partying?

Anything you say against her partying will be interpreted as insecurity.

What leverage can you wield against her choice to party, given you’re unwilling to break up with her?
The answer being none suggests she has no reason to stop and your complaints will likely fall on obstinate ears..

She may just hide it from you and continue partying, albeit with the damning knowledge that you’re insecure about it.

Fine and dandy anyway, you’ll take her back when she returns in 3 months. Why does it matter? let her do as she pleases and go back to ‘normal’ upon her return..

 

[Danny]

I don't understand anymore. So its bad to let her party due to the risk and its insecure to tell her not to party? So how does one even tell their GF to not party and if you cant tell her because its an insecurity then is it even a problem worth fixing with a practical solution?

 

[Danny]

I didn't even care about this issue that much to begin with, but after reading Chase's article. I thought that it would be preferable to tell her to not go out anymore to party. If thats seen as insecurity then how do win the situation?

 

[topcat]

I didn't even care about this issue that much to begin with, but after reading Chase's article. I thought that it would be preferable to tell her to not go out anymore to party. If thats seen as insecurity then how do win the situation?

it’s insecure because you’re doing it in the context of a long distance relationship. you have no leverage (i’m not saying you are insecure, i’m saying she’s likely to interpret it that way). what leverage do you have to influence her to stop (over and above the influence of her friends who are actually with her) ?

 

[Rakehell]

I didn't even care about this issue that much to begin with, but after reading Chase's article. I thought that it would be preferable to tell her to not go out anymore to party. If thats seen as insecurity then how do win the situation?

I think you misinterpreted the article. It’s not about getting your girlfriend not to party, it’s about not cuffing that type of girl altogether without knowing what that entails.

If she still feels the need to party, club, etc, then telling her not to will only drive her further down that path. Fact is you aren’t with her, so she’ll be wherever her friends are.

 

[Danny]

I think you misinterpreted the article. It’s not about getting your girlfriend not to party, it’s about not cuffing that type of girl altogether without knowing what that entails.

If she still feels the need to party, club, etc, then telling her not to will only drive her further down that path. Fact is you aren’t with her, so she’ll be wherever her friends are.

oh I see that makes more sense, but She generally does not go and party that often. It is relatively rare when she does. I think I read the article and focused too much on the potential of what could happen. The first response I got on the thread was to immediately break up with her when the problem didn't seem that drastic. I am more focused on taking the common sense approach, I am just not sure what that looks like?

 

[topcat]

i’d say just ride it out and see what happens in 3 months. probability suggests LDR’s are a bad bet when it comes to devoted, faithful gf’s but your mileage may vary.. you sense this subconsciously which is why you want to dissuade her partying.

Do as you feel man. I wouldn’t be entertaining a LDR personally (what’s wrong with the girls in your local area?), but that’s me. The heart wants what it wants..

 

[Ambiance]

I know I came across harsh earlier, but I sympathize with how hard it can be to end things. Sometimes it is necessary to go through what can happen when you endure a compromised position.

If I was in your position, and I wasn't strong enough to end things (at least for now until she is back in town), I would do one of two things:

1. I would insist on seeing each other once a month, and give her a passionate time. This will keep her more invested in you. Ideally she is the one to come visit you.

OR

2. I would reduce my investment in her and start meeting and going after girls in your city. This levels the playing field. If you have any ethical quandaries about doing so, either abort before things get physical, or have a nice talk with your GF and explain LDRs are harder than you gave them credit for, and while you still care about her and want something with her, probably best if we tone down the seriousness, at least until she gets back in town.

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I wouldn't mention the partying. As other forumites have pointed out, there's a good chance she would continue partying with or without telling you, and you don't have much leverage to get her to stop. So wait until you have more leverage (i.e. she is back in town and feeling lovey dovey about you), and frame it that you were ok with her partying before because you guys were less serious, but since you are more serious now probably best if she only parties if you're there with her.

Rooting for you man.