Rejection Therapy journal

[ZenRising]

Hi there gents,

Starting a journal here to track my progress and experiences. I’m making a simple target - one approach per day - and my aim is to get properly desensitised to being rejected. For me, this isn’t so much about getting numbers or getting laid… what I want is to properly conquer my fear of rejection and disapproval… Ultimately, yes, I want to find a really great partner for an LTR, but I’ve come to a place of realising that what I really want is to be FREE… free from fear of the judgment of others, of disapproval and being rejected…. In a way, doing approaches and getting desensitised to rejection experiences is actually about my relationship with myself… I was into pick up many years ago, in an earlier stage of my life before my last LTR, and I know there’s a strong connection between overcoming the need for others’ approval and a deeper embrace and acceptance of myself…

In my case, there’s also a lot of childhood trauma bound up in facing my fears down. There was a lot of abuse in my early childhood, and as a result there are some intense fears that gets triggered when I put myself in rejection situations.. I know from past experience that I can do it though, and the the impact.. the sense of liberation and exhilaration at overcoming a fear.. is the best in the world..

So it’s been a while, and I’m rusty, but ready to get out there again…

 

[gameboy]

Good luck! You may even find that you get less rejections than you think you will. I mean sure, there will always be rejections, but some girls are actually really nice once you have the balls to approach them!

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

We are with you my brother. What a well-articulated statement of purpose! I'm going to adopt that view - seeking rejection to gain greater self-esteem.

Beautifully stated! — "... strong connection between overcoming the need for others’ approval and a deeper embrace and acceptance of myself…"

 

[ZenRising]

Thanks so much for the encouraging words guys... much appreciated!

So today it was raining hard all day here, which limited opportunities for approaches pretty significantly, but I did manage to find one woman sitting in a covered cafe terraza to approach... she was, well, quite unattractive to be honest, but I was determined to approach someone in order to get the ball rolling on my 'rejection therapy' practice... and sure enough, she spurned me! In truth I think the poor woman probably had a bit of social anxiety issues going on, as she got very flustered when I said 'hello' and introduced myself, and she first smiled, then turned away, then turned back and smiled again... she tried to say something a few times, but could quite form a sentence, and then shook her head, smiled again, and turned away... it was kinda excruciating, and I felt a bit bad for causing her discomfort, but I also know I didn't actually do anything wrong... it was also a useful reminder for and out-of-practice guy like me that you just never can tell what the response will be... I actually think a straight clear and robust rejection is easier to deal with than something so chaotic... when someone just says 'no thanks' or 'I don't want to talk to you', it can sting but you immediately know where you stand and can move on quickly.... Another thing that it reminded me of is the fact that how easily and effectively I can deal with and process rejections is just as important as how I make approaches in the first place...

Anyhooo... I eventually just said 'sorry to have bothered you, have a lovely day' and went on my way... I'm putting it down as a rejection, even though it wasn't very clear, as it certainly felt as uncomfortable as a rejection, and it's overcoming that discomfort and fear that is my aim..

• Approaches so far: 1
• Rejections: 1

 

[gameboy]

Wow, sounds like she had more approach anxiety than you! Or should I say, being-approached-anxiety?

 

[ZenRising]

Wow, sounds like she had more approach anxiety than you! Or should I say, being-approached-anxiety?

Haha.... yeah, you're not wrong... I felt bad for her....

 

[ZenRising]

Another day of crappy rain today... thankfully it looks set to brighten up tomorrow....

I wanted to get some approaches in today at lunchtime, but work just took over and I could only get out of the office for 15 minutes... Just one approach, again at a cafe... it was another little learning experience for me, as it taught/reminded me that you just never know what's going on in the person's mind... I sat down at the next table, but my anxiety level was high and I just couldn't seem to get into action and was sat there hesitating.. then I accidentally dropped my phone and it clattered onto the ground right at her feet... it was one of those situations where she was obliged to pick it up herself, as the alternative was me getting right up in her grill... so she picks up the phone and hands it to me, and she seemed genuinely annoyed - I mean her energy seemed outrigh hostile... then a few minutes later she receives a call and I hear she's got an English accent... when she hangs up, I said, 'so I'm guessing you're a British transplant'... her previous air of unreceptiveness made me fearful to engage, but then when I did (with an admittedly boring opener), she smiles and starts talking to me all friendly... I had clearly misread things significantly - perhaps she was jsut deep in thought when she handed me the phone...

ANyhooo....she made a point of referencing her boyfriend about 10 times, so.. message received... but still a good little reminder to never presume I know what someone is thinking...

 

[ZenRising]

Today was a washout for me, but wanna keep consistent and also follow gameboy's example by tracking the failures as well as the successes... I had an intense day of work today, but took an hour to get out in the intention to do a few approaches... There was no lack of opportunity.. walking around a large square near my office there was a ton of foot traffic and I saw at least half a dozen really cute women, but somehow I just couldn't make the leap into actually approaching... one thing that is so important for me to practice is that internal trigger that pushes me into action - it's basically the moment I start walking towards the woman and mindset switches from 'she's cute/should I? etc' to 'this is happening now'...

Memories are coming back to me from years ago when I was into pick-up (and before I got into my LTR).... hesitation, rationalisation, fear fear fear are the graveyard of opportunity... anyway, I know that there will be good days and bad days as I work to get my rhythm back... so today was a wipeout, and that's ok... tomorrow is another day....

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

"Fear fear fear are the graveyard of opportunity?" That's positively lyrical. You are telling yourself all the right things. Just know we're rooting for you.

 

[ZenRising]

Hi there gents!

It's been a long day and I'm bloody exhausted, but want to post a quick journal entry to stay consistent. I made two approaches today - one was a total failure and the other more successful.

Approach 1: Attempted a daytime street approach, but stupidly 'pulled up beside' her as she was walking and tried to engage her in coversation. I know you need to sort of get in front of someone and stop them, so it was a stupid mistake on my part. She put her hand up to gesture 'no thanks' and rebuffed my attempts to talk to her by just shaking her head and looking the other way... the whole thing was painfully aaaawkwaard.... mistakes are there for learning from though, and I know I was just clumsy on this occasion and screwed it right up...

I felt pretty embarassed afterwards, but that then got me thinking about frame control and dominance mindset... I realise I'm really going to have to work on dominance, both internally of my emotional state, and externally in terms of frame control of the situation, in future..

Approach 2: Cute brunette, I'd say mid-30s at a gallery... Just walked up to her as she was standing alone and put out my hand and intruduced myself.. it was all very easy and comfortable, and we wound up talking for about half an hour about spirituality, art, politics... traded numbers and agreed to meet up soon... She was attractive, but seemed a bit caught up in conspiracy theories which is a red flag for me... anyhooo... I'll message her and give her a chance...

I could feel my people pleasing, 'nice guy', approval seeker wanting to creep into the scenario with the second girl as well, but was at least self-aware enough to keep pulling myself back to frame control..

All this also got me thinking about how much of an approval-dependent people pleaser I've been my whole life, and how getting this area of my life handles requires me to change in precisely the opposite direction... Developing a dominance mindset is something I really need to focus on for the next while... Been reading a few of the GC articles and finding them super-helpful in this regard too...

ANyhoooo.... I'm fading and need to sleep...

• Approaches so far: 4
• Rejections: 2

 

[gameboy]

Well done man! You got a number close already! Way to go!

 

[ZenRising]

Thanks gameboy! Yes, it feels good.. and I'm glad to say she texted me yesterday without me having to send the first message... she sent an sms saying 'so great talking to you.. I'm out of town next week for holidays, but let's meet when I get back'... sooo... I'll give her a shout next week and see where it goes..

That's the good news... the less good news is that I had a bedlam day of work yesterday and didn't make any approaches, and today was a little frustrating too: I made one approach in a cafe where I was working, but she was clearly unreceptive - even seemed annoyed at my friendliness - so I backed off pretty quickly and left her to it..

Afterwards I went for a walk along the waterfront with the intention of doing some daygame approaches, but couldn't break through my approach anxiety/hestiation... absolute textbook stuff: 'she'll think I'm a creep', 'oh she's walking fast - probably in a hurry' etc... bullshit excuses and fear preventing me from approaching.... I've been here before, and overcome it before, so I know I just need to keep at it and implement a 'don't think, act!' mindset... daygame is the most challenging kind of approach for me (I think it is for most people), and particularly the daytime 'run and stop' approach, where you're trying to interact with someone who is on the move in a public area... BUT... that is precisely why I want to get good at it... when I was into pickup in an earlier phase of my life, it was precisely the 'outrageous' braxenness of daygame approaches that made them such a huge confident builder for me... soooo... I'm going to try again tomorrow....

• Approaches so far: 5
• Rejections: 3

 

[ZenRising]

Hi there peeps,

Well, today was a total washout... I was determined to make some daytime street approaches and so I went for a walk around the town center... I was feeling rushed, as I only had 45 minutes between meetings, and to put it bluntly approach anxiety just completely beat me... I've decided to keep recording my failures as well as successes, because I want to be able to read this back a few weeks or months from know when I have conquered my fears, and see how things have changed...

On a more positive note, I had dinner with an Italian woman I met a few months back and that led to some kisses and cuddles, so the day ended on a more positive vibe... I'm fairly sure she was up to come home with me, but I was feeling exhausted and a bit stressed with work pressure, so I said a polite goodnight and parted ways (I guess this is middle age(?) - there was a time when I would have battled through any type of discomfort for the sake of getting laid)

 

[gameboy]

On a more positive note, I had dinner with an Italian woman I met a few months back and that led to some kisses and cuddles, so the day ended on a more positive vibe... I'm fairly sure she was up to come home with me, but I was feeling exhausted and a bit stressed with work pressure, so I said a polite goodnight and parted ways (I guess this is middle age(?) - there was a time when I would have battled through any type of discomfort for the sake of getting laid)

I feel you on that one! Kisses and cuddles sound awesome. And often lead to sealing the deal sooner or later, anyways.

I guess a man of a certain age doesn't feel the need to rush it any more. And women actually love that

 

[ZenRising]

Thanks @gameboy ... indeed, I for sure don't feel the need to jump into bed as soon as I possibly can the way I did in my 20s... ... SO the Italian asked me over to dinner at her place tomorrow evening, so we'll see how that unfolds...

In the meantime I just didn't get the chance to do any approaches today.. work bedlam from early morning until now... frustrating, but will carve out an hour tomorrow to make some approaches...

 

[ZenRising]

Hi there peeps...

Just made one approach today, to a pair of Chilean girls in a park... they were super friendly and we talked for about 15 minutes about life, relationships, culture... all sorts... God I wish every approach conversation could be so easy and comfortable...

That's the good news... the bad news is that I saw at least three other attractive women who I failed to approach... my stupid thoughts talked me out of approaching them.... 'she's too young, she looks like she's busy... she's blah blah blah'... annoyed with myself for missing opportunities... and I have to remind myself that the opportunity is to overcome my fears and better myself, not to get a number/get laid/find a partner etc... the latter are of secondary importance in fact...

I'm going to start keeping track of the approaches I fail to make as well as the ones I do make in order to motivate myself...

• Approaches so far: 6
• Rejections: 3

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Hi there peeps...

Just made one approach today, to a pair of Chilean girls in a park... they were super friendly and we talked for about 15 minutes about life, relationships, culture... all sorts... God I wish every approach conversation could be so easy and comfortable...

That's the good news... the bad news is that I saw at least three other attractive women who I failed to approach... my stupid thoughts talked me out of approaching them.... 'she's too young, she looks like she's busy... she's blah blah blah'... annoyed with myself for missing opportunities... and I have to remind myself that the opportunity is to overcome my fears and better myself, not to get a number/get laid/find a partner etc... the latter are of secondary importance in fact...

I'm going to start keeping track of the approaches I fail to make as well as the ones I do make in order to motivate myself...

• Approaches so far: 6
• Rejections: 3

Congratulations on putting yourself out there. It's no small thing. You are already seeing progress.

Any updates on your Italian lady?

 

[ZenRising]

Hi there peeps...

Any updates on your Italian lady?

Ah yes, cuddles have been had (by which I mean sex, but I'm Irish so we don't use that word... ) ... She's great, and quite attractive, but I don't feel a meaninful emotional connection, so I don't see it lasting very long... I'll see her again, but need to be honest if she starts to seem like she's getting attached...

 

[ZenRising]

So I got out at lunchtime and took a walk around a nearby park.. made two approaches

Approach one: I got a clear and robust 'not interested' from this one. She sped up and walked around me. It stings when that happens, but it's also good for me. My objective here is to become rejection proof, so those sorts of experiences are good for me. The key thing is how quickly I can recover emotionally. I'm still not in a place where I am anxiety--free making approaches... the adrenaline is flowing, and it spikes if I get kicked back.. but I'm finding the recovery time is getting much shorter

Approach two: Colombian woman sitting on a concrete step in the park. She was clearly a bit apprehensive when I approached her, but she warmed up after a few sentences had been exchanged and became fairly talkative. She told me she was married, but flattered... I was happy with how it went. The thing I really need to work on and improve is frame control. I was nervous when I started talking, as I generally am in these situations, and I could feel a little wobble in my voice, so I'm sure she could pick up my nervousness... I did a reasonal job of countering my nerves internally, I think... what I ideally want to get to is a place where I can maintain and energy and presence of calmness, warmth and dominance in these situations... that is going to take a bunch more practice!

• Approaches so far: 8
• Rejections: 4

On a scale of one to ten, I'd give myself a 'dominant frame' score of about four today. I need to improve on that!

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

I'm impressed with your diligence and self-reflection.

It's great how having an option like your Italian lady keeps away the dread neediness. Even if it's not a deep and meaningful connection.