- Joined
- Jan 17, 2019
- Messages
- 773
Reassessment time:
Quick summary:
I started approaching massively about 5 weeks ago when I became unemployed, seeing this as a really good opportunity to get some practice in, in addition to looking for jobs. Prior to this, despite talking about it a lot, my approach numbers sucked, probably less than 20 over the last year and a half, with most of my leads coming from online.
It quickly started consuming more and more of my time so I went all in. I decided to do the 4 approach a day challenge. About three weeks in I got a new job. It killed my momentum somewhat but I continued with the challenge after work and finished it two days ago.
Results:
Over 150 approaches, around 17 number closes, 6 dates (out of those three had second dates), one girl back to mine but no close, no lays (yet, one I’m still dating so it’s a possibility)
Overall verdict:
I really, really suck at this. Ok, maybe that’s vastly simplifying it. But there’s definitely truth to it. Given the fact that I’m a pretty good looking dude with a chill personality, these numbers should be way higher.
The reason?
I am not good at leading conversations. And so I run out of things to say. And because of this, I have been so focused on following the script (need to say this, do this). I’ve been caught up on “when she says this, I need to say this” that it’s coming across as scripted and non-genuine to her. Where I am at, it is necessary to have routines and gambits to fall back on, but at the end of the day, the girls don’t know me and I don’t know them. The only reason I’ve had some success has been due to my energy and me possibly being the girls type – even with the girls I went on dates with, I didn’t find out who they were and they barely knew me either in the original interaction.
Why am I not good at leading conversations? Because I don’t know where I am going with them. How can I lead if I don’t know where I’m actually going?
So I need to ask myself. When I approach a girl, what am I actually trying to achieve? Am I trying to just practice these lines and see what sticks? No. I should be keep it in mind of course, but it needs to be secondary. Ultimately, I am trying to have sex with this girl, either now or after a date. What is the most likely way this is going to happen? If we stop being strangers. If she feels like she knows me and I feel like I know her. Closeness.
When I approach a girl, what am I trying to achieve? I need to be focused on finding out who she really is. And I should be demonstrating to her who I really am (not my job, hobbies or shit like that, the fundamental core of who I am as a man)
This is what I’m missing. I’m focused on the opener, I ask her what she does for work, what she studies, hobbies, and so on, then go for the number. Of course she’s not going to give it to me. Or if she does, of course she’s going to flake. Of course she’d be suspicious. Just taking information, not processing it. I don’t know her. She doesn’t know me. “Why is he so interested in me if he barely knows me? He must be desperate”
So, distilling everything down. Fundamentally, what is it that she needs to know about me, and what do I need to know about her, as soon as possible (ideally within a 5-10 minute interaction). And how do I achieve this in a concrete way? Below is a start:
She needs to know that:
I am confident
Demonstrate by:
Demonstrate by:
I have high standards
Demonstrate by:
Pretty difficult with daygame. Subcoms, Fundamentals will help.
Demonstrate by:
Demonstrate by:
Demonstrate by:
I don’t need her, that I will amuse myself, and that she will have to keep up with me or I will get bored.
Demonstrate by:
Demonstrate by:
I need to know:
What sort of a person she is (risk taking, shy). Would I get along with her?
Find out by –
Is she single? And if she isn’t, is she happy in the relationship?
If she is green, yellow or red. Adjust interaction accordingly
Lastly, I need time. If she’s in a hurry, or needs to go, just tell her to come back for a couple of minutes. Then we she is back, make it worth her while. The last few times I did this, she came back, before I pelted her with polite questions again, after which she said “I need to go”.
This is quite a lot of info. But it can be summarized as follows: I really suck right now because I am failing to connect in a genuine way. This is because I am following a mechanical checklist. I need to distill the interactions down to truly understand what I am trying to get out of the interactions. I am not finding out who she is and what she feels. She needs to know the same about me.
Quick summary:
I started approaching massively about 5 weeks ago when I became unemployed, seeing this as a really good opportunity to get some practice in, in addition to looking for jobs. Prior to this, despite talking about it a lot, my approach numbers sucked, probably less than 20 over the last year and a half, with most of my leads coming from online.
It quickly started consuming more and more of my time so I went all in. I decided to do the 4 approach a day challenge. About three weeks in I got a new job. It killed my momentum somewhat but I continued with the challenge after work and finished it two days ago.
Results:
Over 150 approaches, around 17 number closes, 6 dates (out of those three had second dates), one girl back to mine but no close, no lays (yet, one I’m still dating so it’s a possibility)
Overall verdict:
I really, really suck at this. Ok, maybe that’s vastly simplifying it. But there’s definitely truth to it. Given the fact that I’m a pretty good looking dude with a chill personality, these numbers should be way higher.
The reason?
- I am failing to connect with these women in a genuine way (probably the most important) and
- I need to improve my fundamentals.
I am not good at leading conversations. And so I run out of things to say. And because of this, I have been so focused on following the script (need to say this, do this). I’ve been caught up on “when she says this, I need to say this” that it’s coming across as scripted and non-genuine to her. Where I am at, it is necessary to have routines and gambits to fall back on, but at the end of the day, the girls don’t know me and I don’t know them. The only reason I’ve had some success has been due to my energy and me possibly being the girls type – even with the girls I went on dates with, I didn’t find out who they were and they barely knew me either in the original interaction.
Why am I not good at leading conversations? Because I don’t know where I am going with them. How can I lead if I don’t know where I’m actually going?
So I need to ask myself. When I approach a girl, what am I actually trying to achieve? Am I trying to just practice these lines and see what sticks? No. I should be keep it in mind of course, but it needs to be secondary. Ultimately, I am trying to have sex with this girl, either now or after a date. What is the most likely way this is going to happen? If we stop being strangers. If she feels like she knows me and I feel like I know her. Closeness.
When I approach a girl, what am I trying to achieve? I need to be focused on finding out who she really is. And I should be demonstrating to her who I really am (not my job, hobbies or shit like that, the fundamental core of who I am as a man)
This is what I’m missing. I’m focused on the opener, I ask her what she does for work, what she studies, hobbies, and so on, then go for the number. Of course she’s not going to give it to me. Or if she does, of course she’s going to flake. Of course she’d be suspicious. Just taking information, not processing it. I don’t know her. She doesn’t know me. “Why is he so interested in me if he barely knows me? He must be desperate”
So, distilling everything down. Fundamentally, what is it that she needs to know about me, and what do I need to know about her, as soon as possible (ideally within a 5-10 minute interaction). And how do I achieve this in a concrete way? Below is a start:
She needs to know that:
I am confident
Demonstrate by:
- Approaching her
- Body language – Shoulders back, chest out, confident smile
- Proximity – not afraid to touch her. Kiss on the cheek at the end.
Demonstrate by:
- Fundamentals
- Strong, loud, dominant voice. My voice in a lot of the interactions is weak.
I have high standards
Demonstrate by:
- Screening her with qualifying statements, but they have to come from the heart
- Not rewarding bad behaviour. If she is rude, don’t ass kiss.
Pretty difficult with daygame. Subcoms, Fundamentals will help.
Demonstrate by:
- Screening her with qualifying statements
- Having a couple of DHV stories involving women that I can lead the conversation to.
Demonstrate by:
- Sub coms – Eye contact, Proximity.
- Direct opener – or indirect to direct.
- Validating statement – but don’t go overboard. One should be enough
Demonstrate by:
- Teasing her about what she says without being insulting. Or if you do by accident, saying you were just kidding.
- Being playful, smiling.
- Dick jokes, fart jokes, sex jokes
- Not going over board – don’t want to go into dancing monkey territory. She needs to see you as a man.
I don’t need her, that I will amuse myself, and that she will have to keep up with me or I will get bored.
Demonstrate by:
- Strong, loud, dominant voice and strong statements. Outcome independence.
- Again, not rewarding bad behaviour. If she doesn’t really have much going on or doesn’t keep up with m
- Bored look if she is not making an effort. I’m very picky these days, don’t mess it up (smile and wink)
Demonstrate by:
- Cold reads. Quickly building closeness, getting her to reveal something that she usually doesn’t tell people she barely knows.
I need to know:
What sort of a person she is (risk taking, shy). Would I get along with her?
Find out by –
- Asking her questions but finding out how she feels when she answers. How do you feel about that? Getting to the root of who she is. Relating to her based on her feelings.
Is she single? And if she isn’t, is she happy in the relationship?
- Standard “with your boyfriend” when she tells you where she is going. If she has a boyfriend – “Does he make you happy” if she seems hesitant to tell you. If she seems happy, have some fun with it.
If she is green, yellow or red. Adjust interaction accordingly
- Push as far as you can in the interaction. Look for IOIs.
Lastly, I need time. If she’s in a hurry, or needs to go, just tell her to come back for a couple of minutes. Then we she is back, make it worth her while. The last few times I did this, she came back, before I pelted her with polite questions again, after which she said “I need to go”.
This is quite a lot of info. But it can be summarized as follows: I really suck right now because I am failing to connect in a genuine way. This is because I am following a mechanical checklist. I need to distill the interactions down to truly understand what I am trying to get out of the interactions. I am not finding out who she is and what she feels. She needs to know the same about me.