How Similar "Should" your Bedroom Self and Everyday Self Be?

[TheEcho]

Once you've spent the time with a stable partner with plenty of testing what clicks for each person in the bedroom and also have encounters with a variety of others (some one time, some dozens of times), you should end up with a solid idea of what you are like and what you need in the bedroom for a good experience. Once someone has this figured out, should they be concerned if their everyday self is quite different from this "primal" self? I don't mean sex specific aspects, but rather your "personality" when in the bedroom. In my mind your matured bedroom personality would be a truer representation of you than the everyday personality that's constantly been pressured in many ways.

My specific situation is the difference in my aggression and confidence between the bedroom and everyday self. I NEED to be the aggressor in the bedroom or I just can't be into it. In everyday life though, I'm much more...variable in my stance and my conscientiousness of others leads to unconfidant behavior. This is a pretty clear situation where the everyday self is less effective than my bedroom self that plows through and directs the situation without a second guess, but with enough care for the other to optimize their experience.

What do you guys think? Should guys who figure out their bedroom personality try to align their everyday self more to that version, or should they be unrelated and allowed to arise as they will?

 

[DoWhatWorks]

you should end up with a solid idea of what you are like

100%

should they be concerned if their everyday self is quite different from this "primal" self?

My short answer is it depends. I’m dominant in the bedroom E.G. tying up, choking manhandle etc but also a very nurturing outside of it. E.G. asking if they’re hungry, making food, if she’s got a cough making honey lemon and ginger tea from scratch.

The contrast works because I give girls the best or both that’s harder to find in the same person

This is a pretty clear situation where the everyday self is less effective than my bedroom self that plows through and directs the situation without a second guess, but with enough care for the other to optimize their experience.

In your situation I’d suggest gradually using your dominance/confidence outside the bedroom. You’ll mis-step sometimes as you learn when it works and when it doesn’t but eventually it will become a tool in your toolkit to use to get the outcomes you want

That assumes getting what you want is your no.1 goal. For some being 100% congruent is their no.1 so in your situation they’d be happy being dominant all the time even not always optimal.

 

[ulrich]

I think you’re suffering from a common quirk of the male mind… the need to be congruent at all times.

Although we could discuss of the merits of aligning your “normal self” with your “sexual self”… and I am very sure that is an interesting discussion… I think you would be more benefitted from understanding that you don’t have to be the exact same person every time, everywhere with every people.

That is how men think instinctively… we crave for simplicity… we want our minds to be free for more meaningful pursuits.
Hence why many men dress the same kind of clothes every day, gather at the same places with a small close group of friends and are generally direct and rude.

All of those are ways to lighten your load… by not caring of other people’s needs and contextual undertones, you spend less mental resources.
There’s a merit to that.
But it is also not the way to maximize your success in multiple areas.

Why you are “tamer” in your everyday life is because you need to be… you likely have a job where you have a boss and responsibilities… not the place to be an aggressor.
When you interact with people in a coffee shop or a supermarket, there is no benefit of going “aggressive”… your body know it’s, your subconscious knows it so it just adapts.

Then later you find yourself realizing that was “incongruent” because your mind is optimized to crave for it.
But it really doesn’t do much good to be “all perfectly aligned” because it also makes you inflexible.

Women are not like men, women are always changing and manage multiple faces.
A woman in the bed is different from her everyday life… there is no question about it… they don’t crave for congruency as much as men do… and that allows them to be different, do the right things and not sweat too much about it.

I’m not saying, be incongruent… that’s not the lesson.

But there is a right balance where you, as a man, give yourself permission to not be congruent 100% of the time… you give yourself the permission to do different things with different people because that is what the context calls for.

95% maybe?.. I don’t know

But being the same guy, in all places at all times… is more limiting than empowering.