@Flowstatic,
Props on getting yourself to be more sociable (vs. last year). It's an important step.
The two main hurdles here:
Ok here it goes.
1. 3-5 per week on average. All acquaintances or ppl I meet in my clubs. I have no attraction to them at all and don't game them.
So purely platonic interaction. Zero practice flirting, building any kind of romantic dynamic, etc. -- which means zero feedback on your romantic skills, zero growth, zero confidence.
Ok thanks, so i prolly need to talk to more attractive women then to get enough data points.
The problem is that is the purpose of this post, I couldn't do it. Just today I sat next to two girls I have crushes on separately for over an hour each and didn't even consider approaching them. I just couldn't imagine them every liking me back, and felt too unattractive/awkward/inexperienced. What do i do then?
That's the second problem, not talking to girls you are attracted to.
However, of these two problems:
- Zero practice flirting/teasing/gaming with the women you do talk to
- Zero practice talking to women you actually find attractive
... #1 is the more critical. #2 will happen a lot more easily once you have confidence in your ability to flirt.
Also... I don't know if all these girls you're talking to regularly are obese or hideously ugly or something, but I can tell you this: when I was a college student who didn't talk to anybody, I'd typically have a girl or two I crushed on, but never talked to, like you, and wasn't interested in any of the other girls, same as you.
When one day I suddenly realized,
"Holy crap, if I never learn how to talk to women, flirt, and date, I will never be able to get the girls I actually want!" I decided I needed to just start trying to practice flirtation with women whenever I could.
A curious thing happens when you do this: as you start to flirt with girls more, you start to get positive feedback from some of them. Some of those will be girls you still won't be interested in. But some of them will be girls you will suddenly realize, "Huh... This girl is actually attractive. And I like her personality. How come I wasn't into her before?" At that point you won't even be intimidated about talking to her because you already are: you've got a girl you're regularly talking to and flirting with, and you like her! The first time it happens, it's really cool.
(sometimes you will start getting attracted to a girl who's not even that cute, just because she's fun and flirts back. And then you will tell yourself, "I'd better keep meeting and flirting with more girls before I end up getting hooked on this mediocre chick!" lol)
You start going out with some of those girls who you weren't paying attention to before, because once you actually interact with them in a man-woman way and realize these are WOMEN... and they are actually attractive, to boot... then you start to see the girls you were crushing on as "women too, just like those other women I am interacting with" and it becomes a lot easier to summon up the cajones to talk to those girls also.
One other story: after a year doing this on my own, and another year in the seduction community, I signed up for a 1-on-1 with a prolific, eclectic day gamer who dressed like a rock star. We talked about exactly this: how much do you flirt and with what women? He said, "I flirt with every woman I talk to. I flirt with grandmas. I don't care. They know I'm not really trying to pick them up but it's fun and it brightens their days. Gets you into a REALLY good headspace too." I expanded my "flirtation diet" even more after going around with him, and it's true.
(
eventually I had to cut back on it a bit... e.g.,
with fat/ugly girls in a group of friends with a hot girl I'm talking to... dialing down the flirtation with them stopped them from turning into cockblocks. But you probably don't need to worry about that so much until your game is a lot tighter)
Anyway, here's the recommendation:
- Start flirting with all those girls you regularly interact with. It will give you practice flirting. It will develop your confidence flirting. And unless they're all hambeasts, it is probably going to have the side effect that you 'discover' a few girls you're actually attracted to but didn't even realize it until you started flirting with them and they flirted back. (there's a weird thing in the male psyche where guys often ignore girls until the girl signals them... i.e., the male brain realizes "Whoa, do I actually have a chance with this girl?" and then all the fantasies, excitement, attraction starts, etc. Girls will actually do this too, sometimes not realizing they like you until you 'trigger' that kind of "I might have a chance with that guy!" feeling in them. Attainability goes both ways!)
- Once you're doing that, it becomes a lot easier to push yourself to talk to girls you're very attracted to. You build up confidence in your flirtation by flirting with whoever's available / whoever you are talking to first. Once you know you have something to offer (good conversation, good sense of humor, fun back-and-forth) it's much less of a hurdle to push yourself to talk to those girls you find to be more intimidating right now. Eventually they'll be "just girls" to you too and you won't find them intimidating -- but that is down the road.
I'd also suggest you set a goal for yourself... like "Flirt with 3 different women this week, it doesn't matter who."
Ultimately: it's almost impossible to learn to flirt AND learn to approach girls you find very intimidating at the same time.
So, you break it up: start with learning to flirt first, and switch to learning to approach the really hot girls later.
Chase
And while working out regularly is great, it can be pretty robotic, another reason I think you could use something more invigorating. Even something like dance class. (Salsa and Tango are SEXY.)
