can you clarify this part:
Im not sure what you mean by a man searching for those things (besides a woman).
This is a sort of theory I have about how to maximize a good relationship.
The first thing is that it's very difficult for a man to have success with his family inside a bad culture. I grew up in Australia, and even though I love the country and some of the old-fashioned Australian culture, especially these days the culture is incredibly weak. We are ultra progressive and conformist here, with weak leaders, no culture of entrepreneurship, weak male role models, and (in my opinion at least) the country offers its men the most objectionable kind of domesticated suburban lifestyle on the face of the earth.
My father came to Australia in the 60s when it was a much different sort of place. And when he eventually started a family here, he tried to do it in a very unconventional way, in many different regards. As one example, I was homeschooled, because my father wanted us to avoid what he considered to be a degenerate education system. And there were many more ways that we grew up in an unconventional way.
Eventually, things fell apart because of the tension between the way we lived and the way the Australian society functioned. And guess where the crack started? My mother is a wonderful woman, but it became too difficult for her, because she is a product of her society, and women are highly dependent on their society, and evaluate men by their success according to what their society has laid out to be good and worthwhile, and despite the incredible frame control my father had and has, she could not deal with it.
This has led me to believe that a woman is almost inextricably entwined with her society, or at least the society where she ends up living. To try to take a woman out of a society, and live with her in virtual opposition to it, in your own little bubble, is a fool's errand as far as I'm concerned. And that's not to mention the difficulty of raising your kids with the values you want when those values are in conflict with everything around them. A man is not more powerful than the culture he lives in, regardless of what we might want to believe. Night and day the engine of social control runs, and we have to find the time to rest.
On top of that, I have come to believe that this idea of creating some ultra co-dependent relationship between two people is simply disfunctional. As they say, relationships break down often because one party requires the other party to be too many different people at once. The leader, the 'best friend', the teacher, the student, the provider of resources, the provider of excitement and stimulation, a quiet companion, a constant support, etc. This is not how it used to be. Before, women lived in extended families. They would get plenty of wisdom, guidance, and disciplining from older women throughout their lives (even after marriage) and could engage in lots of socializing even in their own household. They had other women to talk to when they needed to talk about what women like to talk about. They lived inside a small familial community which reinforced in its members the values set down by its leaders (the men). This means that the man didn't have to go around trying to be everything at once for her and micromanaging her emotions.
Now, especially if you end up in a society with values that conflict with yours, it's likely that her family will develop issues with you and the way you live. And her friends might not like things either, and encourage her to take out her concerns on you (or even leave you) - virtually every woman who gets a divorce has three or four other women cheering her on, often for their own reasons and not for her own wellbeing. And society might help her too (such as with centrelink payments). And that means that her whole support network is a liability to you. None of this is so much of an issue if you want to adapt to the society, but that means adapting your values as well, and do you want that?
And then you have the whole divorce thing, and the way your society treats divorce in general as well as false claims by women. There are plenty of places where divorces are treated the way they should be, and bullshit accusations don't stand, and there are as many places where you can go through hell just to leave an insufferable woman, or based on something she says, just because she's female. So even in terms of how things go down after the family is broken, choosing a good society before choosing a good woman has its merits.
What all of this boils down to is, don't let your ego make you believe that you can just sit there and bend a woman's reality forever in whatever direction you choose. Women are incredibly flexible, especially at the beginning of the relationship (psychologically and physically .. ) but over time that flexibility starts to wane, and your frame control that used to be easy suddenly becomes a bit more difficult, until suddenly you are ten years deep with four kids and faced with an obstinate, stubborn woman who seems to have lost her emotional control and ability to submit to your frame. And it happens, it seems to me, because society operates through her, and you fight it in her form.
Instead, find a society, community, and family that does the grunt work of managing her emotional and psychological state, so that her natural equilibrium is where you want it to be, and your frame control serves as the icing on the cake to fine tune everything to perfection, and you can much more easily occupy an exciting, stimulating, and pleasurable position in her mind, and you can maintain the right sort of distance so that your symbolic power as the father figure is able to do its good work with your wife and your kids.
Now I must admit this is still something of a theory, but it all makes sense to me based on what I have learned so far from everything I've seen. Especially when you see the family structures of history you realize how weak and brittle the modern idea of marriage is. So I don't have a lot to say of the exact details of how I will implement it, but no doubt I will be learning these things in good time. Right now, I want to understand the principles underlying why relationships become difficult or break down, and then I can figure out the details of implementing a system that minimizes the risk.
