Took a girl home for the first time! What went wrong?



Took a girl home for the first time! What went wrong?

Postby timtobbler » Thu Aug 15, 2019 3:38 am

I'm a virgin in his early 20's learning the game a few years late, but better late than never. I've had this friend for a while, we met in a shared Airbnb we both lived in for a few months, and we stayed in touch after she moved away. Over the past few months, I've been learning the ropes, going on loads of dates, but having basically no idea what I'm doing other than projecting confidence and studying up on GC, so keep my complete inexperience in mind.

I've been getting into the habit of constantly keeping on the charm and asking out every girl I'm even mildly interested in as soon as I realize I'm interested, and it's been working out pretty well so far, so I asked her if she wanted to meet up for coffee. Considering our long, platonic, not-very-close friendship, I figured I had a lot of work to do to shift the frame to a workable place. Fast forward a few hours, we've left the coffee place and walked to a cool bar, we've both had two or three drinks, and this girl who had always compartmentalized me from her seemingly non-existent sex life is telling me about how she keeps breaking up with her boyfriend but then they hook up and the sex is really good, but she's dating other guys. Then we're talking about how most guys fail miserably at stamina and foreplay, we're making sex jokes, and I'm reassuring her that there's nothing wrong with having a tinder as long as you have some discretion about you. Seems to be going great, frame seems shifted.

I know that she's got a long drive home and work the next morning, so I want to move things along before it gets too late, so I say "come on, I want to show you something". We walk outside, and she seems to be waiting to follow me until I ask her where her car is, and then she's like "Oh, we're driving! Ok..." We find her car, she starts driving, I'm giving her directions to my place, and then she asks, "wait, why am I blindly following you somewhere" and I ignore the comment and continue with the conversation. Then she presses the issue and asks if I'm taking her to my place. I remind her that I just got a new apartment a few days ago and say I'd like to show it off with a tour, she gives a not-so-certain "ok". We keep going, she says, "I'm just dropping you off, I've got to go home" and I ask, "What's the harm in 5 minutes?" A bit more back and forth and she agrees to see the apartment. I park and she's like, "Wait, this is just a tour, nothing more, right?" and I respond with a cheeky smile and "I've got no idea what you're talking about." She laughs.

We walk in, I give her a cup of water, we're talking about adventure and taking risk and life while sipping on water in the kitchen. Then we shift to the hallway and she's like "ok, I need to go" and I again say "oh come on just a few minutes", a bit more back and forth and she stays and we're back talking about passions and adventure and taking risks. Then I start shifting to the bedroom with her, and she seems to get uncomfortable. She says, "Wait, I'm seeing your ROOM? I'm not sure I like where this is going." Again I respond with "I've got no idea what you're talking about" and she gives another laugh, slightly more uncomfortable though. We keep talking in the room, I'm showing her mementos of mine, items that mean a lot to me, things I got on different trips, things people don't appreciate enough, interesting decorative items, and she seems engrossed with my opal necklace from Australia and my moon lamp, though I'm telling really good stories about why these items mean so much to me and she seems completely into the stories. I put the opal necklace on her and tell her about the traditional beliefs, supposed "powers", behind the gem opal and what the necklace would do, though I express it as "they believe that..." as I don't believe in gemstones having powers myself. She says she likes it, and I'm looking into her eyes for a second and thinking "Now's a good time" but I don't lean in. Then we keep talking sitting on my desk, and I push a bit closer to her but we're still not touching, and she's totally captivated by the conversation, but she seems to be very slowly shifting away from me as I shift closer. She tells me about the time she rock climbed for the first time, and she's almost glowing with bright lights in her eyes as she talks about the complete thrill she felt at fighting her fears and scaling the rock face. Also, how she was the first person in her group of women learning to rock climb that managed to make it all the way up without losing her grip and being belayed down, she was really excited about that. I'm thinking, this is the happiest moment in the conversation, it has to be now but I don't. Anyway, she ends up saying "I've got to go, I have work" and for some reason I felt like that time was fundamentally different than the earlier times, so I say "Ok! Let's pick a weekend for next time" and she says "definitely".

So, as a virgin, I have no idea what last-minute resistance is supposed to feel like. Was she interested and I just needed to push harder? Or was she not interested and I should've caught on? What should I learn from this experience?
timtobbler


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Re: Took a girl home for the first time! What went wrong?

Postby timtobbler » Thu Aug 15, 2019 12:22 pm

So... after thinking about it, I have a few thoughts. Calibrating anything is hard, because you’ve got to pick the right middle ground, regardless of whether it’s lifting weights or meeting girls. Lift too much weight and you won’t make it to 3 reps, and you won’t see much gains. Lift too little weight and you’ll never strain your muscles so you won’t see gains either.

Learning calibration with girls is similar. Be less bold than the situation calls for, waiting for the mythical girl who walks up and says "take me now" and you’ll never ask girls out, take them home, or do any of the fun stuff that comes after, because society just doesn’t allow girls to be so forward. Be too bold for the situation, pushing when you shouldn’t be, and you’ll start pushing into rapey territory.

In this case, I think I did a few things right, and a few things wrong. I’ve had this girl at my place a few times previously for platonic things and she’s always been perfectly happy to meet me at mine, but this time as soon as she figured out we were going to my place she immediately guessed the reason ("Wait, this is just a tour, nothing more, right?"). Clearly, I successfully established myself as a sexual man. I also managed to get this normally very reserved girl to open up about sex and we were both laughing the whole way. If verbal escalation is a thing, I'd check that box too. But I think either she may just not have been interested and I was beating a dead horse, or I should've leaned in for a kiss to test the waters. She never seemed uncomfortable, and clearly she knew my intentions (as she should, if she didn't that would've been rapey) and came home with me anyway, but still I'm not quite sure whether I didn't push hard enough or whether I was right to back off after I didn't take my best chance. We've known each other for two years, and she trusts that I wouldn't ever hurt her, but I still don't know what I should've done. I could've gone for a kiss, which would've been showing my cards and seeing where it goes, and I didn't. I also could've not pushed as hard, because she very well might not be interested, it's hard to tell.

If anyone has more feedback, I'd really appreciate being able to learn something from this.
timtobbler


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Re: Took a girl home for the first time! What went wrong?

Postby Fuck This » Thu Aug 15, 2019 12:30 pm

You didn't set a sexual frame before you tricked her into going to your place. Chances are if you had gotten physical when you got out to the car she would have put a stop to it there. OR it could have set a tone that would have had her wanting to go to your place.

You gotta be more upfront. You tried to trick her, and that made her suspicious. You gotta rebuild that trust but don't be surprised if she has higher walls now.
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