Any Upside?

psheer

Space Monkey
space monkey
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Hey guys,

I've known this girl on/off for a couple of years. We've only ever made out, and that's two summers ago. Our first date I knew she wanted a ONS, but I was too nervous given my low notch count and pussied out. A few weeks go by and I realize I need to get her out of my mind, go completely NC, and get with more women. To my surprise, she reaches out to me months later apologizing for being so busy and that she wants to see me. Second date things are kept pretty cordial. End up dropping her off and we start making out. Finally been with enough women to where I know how to kiss because I think the first time must've been awful. I wanted to kiss her neck, but suddenly start thinking about another girl I was seeing who taught me how to kiss passionately lol. Anyway, she was really giddy afterwards and said that we should see each other again. Tried to set up another date, but shit fell through and it never panned out. Once again, I go NC for months, but I reach out this time around winter break since she sent the last message. She's really excited to hear from me, and I set things up for another date. I had to cancel but offer an alternative day that she can't do...

Around spring I reach out to see if she wants to meet in the summer, and she's again excited to hear from me. Even did some callback humor from our last date that was nearly a year ago! Once again life happens (busy becoming a doc), and I just couldn't reach out until by the time summer was basically over. Come winter break again I reach out again, and find out she's vacationing in Scottsdale. We tried to set up a date for when she got back, but couldn't lock down a date. My question for you guys is whether or not there's any upside to asking her for suggestions of what to do around Scottsdale since I'll be going there for my job soon? I honestly think I'd just be digging myself deeper into the dreaded friendzone, but I wanted to hear what you guys thought.

Thanks for reading,
psheer
 

dcman

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My question for you guys is whether or not there's any upside to asking her for suggestions of what to do around Scottsdale since I'll be going there for my job soon? I honestly think I'd just be digging myself deeper into the dreaded friendzone, but I wanted to hear what you guys thought.

hi psheer ,

Texting her something on these lines make you look needy as well displaying that you lack courage. I would suggest calling and talking to her after she is back in town to see if you can setup a meet. If she does not want to just wish her bye and move on .
 

psheer

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dcman said:
My question for you guys is whether or not there's any upside to asking her for suggestions of what to do around Scottsdale since I'll be going there for my job soon? I honestly think I'd just be digging myself deeper into the dreaded friendzone, but I wanted to hear what you guys thought.

hi psheer ,

Texting her something on these lines make you look needy as well displaying that you lack courage. I would suggest calling and talking to her after she is back in town to see if you can setup a meet. If she does not want to just wish her bye and move on .

Thanks for the advice, dcman! We've never really spoken on the phone before, though, aside from when I needed directions to her place. A call would be a great way to screen if she's interested, but I'm not too confident in my phone game. I also seem to recall that the dating research finds that girls aren't very receptive to calls and prefer text.
 

dcman

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I also seem to recall that the dating research finds that girls aren't very receptive to calls and prefer text.

Hi Psheer , If you had just met the girl recently calling would seem like over kill . In this case you have know the girl for a couple of years but have not meet recently. You do not know what is going in her life if she has a guy etc ?. calling would be the best option to see how she is with life and then decide if it is worthwhile to see her , build comfort etc. I am not sure if you can do all this pre work just by texting.
 

psheer

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dcman said:
I also seem to recall that the dating research finds that girls aren't very receptive to calls and prefer text.

Hi Psheer , If you had just met the girl recently calling would seem like over kill . In this case you have know the girl for a couple of years but have not meet recently. You do not know what is going in her life if she has a guy etc ?. calling would be the best option to see how she is with life and then decide if it is worthwhile to see her , build comfort etc. I am not sure if you can do all this pre work just by texting.

Ahh I gotcha now. Just read the articles on calling by Chase. But what if she doesn't pick up? I'd hope she'd call back, or at the very least text me. Would I proceed with a check-in text about why I haven't been in touch for so long?
 

psheer

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It worked (I think)!!

Thanks to your advice and some good fortune with things going well in my life, I called her and after a bit of phone tag with our busy schedules we were able to talk. We only talked for a short while because I was straight to the point and asked her out. The original plan was that I was going to come into town, see her and then leave for business. I had set up a really good date that had great logistics for closing, but unfortunately she had to cancel (she gave me 24+ hrs notice). It was a legitimate reason and she offered to reschedule when I'm back in town. I regret not offering a late night idea because she might've agreed.


Ok so now my questions for you guys:

She asked when I'm going going to be back in town and I said the 20th. I technically don't have my own apartment just yet, but I don't see that as an issue. Time is of the essence here, right? I feel as if I'm planning my life around her a little bit but I also would really like to see her again.


Probably not a good idea to do the same date idea, right? Having a tough time deciding between all the great summer date options. I was thinking a picnic

"Hi X, just got back in town from filming. Down for a picnic this week say Tuesday 7:30pm. I know a great spot!"


This would essentially be like a first date, no? Even though we've had two dates prior where we made out (was too much of a pussy and wanted to take it slow) I literally have not seen the girl in two years. I mean, we've texted back and forth but never were able to find a good time with school/work.
 

dcman

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Hi Psheer ,

check out her schedule for the days you are going to be in town. Then propose something simple like cafe/bar/lounge that is convenient for you with both location and time. I know the temptation that you feel to do something special but you are seeing her after a long time so make it feel something more casual to reconnect. Doing something extravagant or putting too much effort at this stage could come across as lack of options rather than make her seem she is special. She has canceled the earlier plan so she would need to accommodate your schedule this time. Act like a man with options this would increase your value to her. Hope you understand what I am trying to say. See how things proceed in your meet up with her and then decided on the best way to close.

I feel as if I'm planning my life around her a little bit but I also would really like to see her again.
Make sure you are seeing and sleeping with other girls. This would increase your value and improve your chances with girls in general compared to being blind sided by a particular girl as you probably know.

Hope this helps
 

psheer

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Thanks for the advice, dcman!

Then propose something simple like cafe/bar/lounge that is convenient for you with both location and time. I know the temptation that you feel to do something special but you are seeing her after a long time so make it feel something more casual to reconnect

It's funny because that's what I originally proposed over the phone. But then I texted her a different idea of listening to music at a nearby location, which she was extremely excited about.
I think you're absolutely right in keeping it casual. The last thing I want to do is have her think that I'm putting her on a pedestal.

Make sure you are seeing and sleeping with other girls. This would increase your value and improve your chances with girls in general compared to being blind sided by a particular girl as you probably know.

I already have slept with a lot of women (remember it's been 2 years since our last date), and it's sort of worn on me. I'm looking for a relationship now. I think I know the answer to this question, but is there a way to safely ask a girl what they're looking for? Probably just best to feel it out and let whatever happen happen, right?
 

dcman

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Ask her what would be an ideal relationship would be for her between a man and woman or what is the best things liked in her earlier relationship. With these kinds of questions you can screen to see what she is looking for right now in terms of relationship . Avoid asking negative questions like why did your relationship end as she may start to relate you with the negativity . Run the same attraction process you successfully used with the other girls even if you are screening this girl for long term possibilities. Hope this helps
 

psheer

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Ask her what would be an ideal relationship would be for her between a man and woman or what is the best things liked in her earlier relationship. With these kinds of questions you can screen to see what she is looking for right now in terms of relationship . Avoid asking negative questions like why did your relationship end as she may start to relate you with the negativity . Run the same attraction process you successfully used with the other girls even if you are screening this girl for long term possibilities. Hope this helps

Well, looks like I'm not gonna get that chance...It's nearly been 24 hours since I've messaged her. She's usually pretty good about getting back to me, and when something does affect her response time she apologizes and explains why it took so long (almost always work related). I'm trying to stay optimistic that she'll get back, but damn this one friggin hurts. She told me she wanted to hear all about my travels on our date, but a lot can happen in a couple weeks' time.

So what's my next move? Let this one go or try and rekindle the excitement that she felt for our date. I honestly have no idea how to do that through text.
 

dcman

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Hi do not worry as she may very well respond. If not I will help you later this week with wordings for a text to see if that works.
 

dcman

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Hi do not worry as she may very well respond. If not I will help you later this week with wordings for a text using to see if that works.
 

Michal

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Hey psheer,

It is not easy to not have thoughts like this when a girl does not respond but the reason may have nothing to do with you. Maybe her phone broke down or she lost it or whatever. I was in a situation where the girl's phone batery exploaded (I think it was some samsung) and she did not have a spare one so she got back to me approx 10 days later.
 

psheer

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Overwhelmed by the response you guys...thank you all so much! So here's what she said:

"Hi! So sorry I saw that text when I was half asleep and forgot to reply!! I'm actually on my way to X (grimacing face emoji). I agreed to help my sorority volunteer for the school. Does next week work? Or some time this weekend maybe? I'm debating if I should stay in X til Sunday to see friends."

So obviously I'd like to see her ASAP, but I'm mindful that she may want to be with friends (or possibly me lol). Here's what I'm thinking of sending


"Haha it's ok I believe you. We can play this weekend by ear, but next week should work!"


I prefer my messages to be concise with little to no filler. Wanted your guys' input, though.
 

Michal

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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psheer said:

"Haha it's ok I believe you. We can play this weekend by ear, but next week should work!"
I would leave out the "I believe you" because while I see why you want to include that, when I read that it made me think like "wait, did it sound like I was lying or something?" Or replace it with something like "no worries" or "it happens"
 

dcman

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wait for a day and then reply to her. Mirror what she is doing with the time she is taking to reply . do not get into the discussion of whether you believe her or not as it irrelevant to the attraction process and not going to be of use. Just taking a day to reply instead of the usual method of replying immediately would be sufficient to convey your unhappiness. From the way she is apologizing I do think she has some level of interest so do not overthink and worry yourself . propose a time to meet on the weekend if that suits you and see if you can work out the logistics for the weekend. Do not worry is she wants to be with friends instead be the leader and propose what you want from her. If she is unable to confirm or taking too long to reply or flakes I will help draft a message to send her. In the meantime Relax and keep doing your things.
 

psheer

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wait for a day and then reply to her. Mirror what she is doing with the time she is taking to reply . do not get into the discussion of whether you believe her or not as it irrelevant to the attraction process and not going to be of use. Just taking a day to reply instead of the usual method of replying immediately would be sufficient to convey your unhappiness. From the way she is apologizing I do think she has some level of interest so do not overthink and worry yourself . propose a time to meet on the weekend if that suits you and see if you can work out the logistics for the weekend. Do not worry is she wants to be with friends instead be the leader and propose what you want from her. If she is unable to confirm or taking too long to reply or flakes I will help draft a message to send her. In the meantime Relax and keep doing your things.

I followed your advice and haven't heard anything from her yet. To be honest, I'm thinking I've gotta next her. I don't even think I want to try the ball in your court message; I'm putting in way too much and getting nothing in return, except for excuse after excuse of why she can't meet up. If she were truly interested, then she would find a way to make it work.

Interested in your guys' thoughts,
psheer
 

dcman

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You had contacted her recently after a while so she may not be sure why you are getting in touch after a long time. If you feel that she is worth the effort you can send a message in the following way that emphasizes the special qualities you see in her and the value you are offering her(as you have probably seen not many guys want to be in a relation). I am not in a mood to be poetic today so just build on the base ideas I am mentioning to make the message look poetic. Start by stating to her how well you are doing well in life both professionally and personally(more or less what you told me). Then you tell for any relation to last years that two persons would need to have special qualities (you know her well so use words and sentences that would work and the qualities you think maker her special to you). Be elaborate in details as much you can. Make her see the future of two people having these qualities that are needed in a relation). then mention how "I meet a person with all these qualities earlier in my life but due to circumstances could not act upon it. While there is someone for everyone it is still upon us to let the person know how special they are. Instead of waiting more time thinking I decided to write to my ideal partner when the opportunity is there for both of us to have blissful complete life that we deserve." (Be as poetic as possible)

If she is intelligent and mature she will understand that what you are offering is something special based on her qualities that you feel are unique. If she responds in the way you expect great .Otherwise it would not be worth it and would be her lost opportunity.

Hope this helps.
 

psheer

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dcman,

I appreciate your thoughtful reply, but I feel writing something like that will destroy the ambiguity of the interaction. Has this worked for you? I'm really hesitant to try this since I'm pretty sure she'll just think I'm obsessed with her. Heck, I would think someone is obsessed with me if they wrote a poem about me.

Best,
psheer
 

dcman

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I find using romance talk and writing to be extremely effective with a large number of Woman with regards to the process of attraction. If you read this link it would give an idea why romance is effective. https://www.netnanny.com/learn-center/article/165/ . Married Woman Have given not having romance as one of the reasons they cheat. Men and woman look at romance in different ways. Using Romantic words or being romantic in a confident manner is not going to come across as needy or obsessed. The way this girl you are interacting with kept apologizing may make romance effective with her and build you value.

From what I have seen you have read well and been practicing on attracting woman. You know this girl well so just go with your judgement on what would be the best option for you.
 
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