When two opposite pasts collide



When two opposite pasts collide

Postby Mascotte1998 » Mon Jan 28, 2019 12:30 pm

Hello forum,

New to this, but I have gotten myself in a sticky situation for which I take full responsibility. Thought some input would give me better insight.

First let me tell you a bit about myself. My emotional & sex life has always been problematic; it has always been put on hold for demanding studies, family problems, and other personal stuff. Compared to my friends I was always behind on this kind of stuff. I'm in my late 20s and have only managed to sleep with 4 women and just had a 2 year relationship. Out of those, 2 ended in her cheating: the first but I was completely aloof; and the 2year one where I was too focused on other matters to see what was happening. I have learned a lot from those but now I feel i'm at a point where all I want is sleep around.

The problem is that at the beginning of this year I became involved with this girl (let's call her Abroad). It clicked immediately, spent a fabulous weekend together. Unfortunately, Abroad lives, well, abroad though we should see each other shortly. As she went back I started dating this other local girl (let's call her Local); really not the type I'm used to and that's what got my interest. Thing is, Abroad and I kept on talking during that same period of time and I found myself trying to manage two expectations. In any case, it ended up in me letting Local go and telling Abroad I want to try to make things work until she comes back so we could talk about it seriously in person. (I hadn't read the long-distance post on Girlschase at that point...)

And now, I feel like I have done a mistake. The thing is Abroad seems to have had a difficult past that has pushed her to go though her sexual exploration phase much earlier than I. From our conversations, where she would just hint at exes, I just feel she has been around (yet I really don't know how to classify her according to the Past of Women post: curious-cynical-self-assured...). In itself, this bothered me at first: she just seemed so volatile but I've come to realise that --- due to me always putting my emotions and sex in 2nd place--- I feel I might be going through this phase right now, wanting to explore (it's just happening much later than her).

In ccl, I'm faced with this choice
1) Not care about her count, keep going, but surely regretting not exploring this phase.
2) Stop it and go on exploring but lose a potentially great girl.

I know this might sound whiney, but it's something I've been trying to figure out on my own, since teenage-hood, I've never really had a male model in these things as my relation with family males have been somewhat problematic and just focused on my academic achievement.

Would someone please give me their take on this? I'd be very grateful.

Have a nice evening.
Mascotte1998


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Re: When two opposite pasts collide

Postby Richard » Mon Jan 28, 2019 12:57 pm

Can you be a little more specific on what issue you're having?

It sounds like you're debating on whether you should be exploring and getting some experience under your belt; if that's the case then there's literally nothing saying you can't keep seeing Abroad while meeting new women.

I'll plant the seeds for now but won't go into much detail because what I'm about to talk about requires a certain degree of experience BUT dating/sleeping with women doesn't limit you to monogamy. The only reason I'm saying this is because you told Abroad you wanted to try to make things work (which is not your job, as a man) and it lets me know that you're actively seeking a relationship - that's fine to do but 1) do it correctly (which means you let the woman push for a relationship) and 2) understand that you have more options than just traditional monogamy.

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Re: When two opposite pasts collide

Postby Mascotte1998 » Mon Jan 28, 2019 1:08 pm

Thank you for your prompt answer Richard,

I think you hit the nail on the head despite me not being very specific (i'll make an effort should I post something else, thank you for the feedback).

Yes, I just want more experience as I feel I'm at a phase where despite looking for someone I still want to explore my sexuality (variety wise). She somehow made me realise this.

Another problem is even though we didn't talk explicitly about exclusivity (would be nonsense at this stage); I have the feeling Abroad feels like we are and maybe I'm going all white night here but I really don't think she should get hurt by some misunderstanding. Like, Abroad knew about Local; I was clear about my intentions from the start and she seemed cool with it. But as I let go of Local she probably saw that as a step? Is there such a thing as re-calibrating expectations?

Really making rookie mistakes here....but willing to learn from them.

Thank again for your help.
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Re: When two opposite pasts collide

Postby Fuck This » Mon Jan 28, 2019 1:31 pm

With an LDR, If there is no end goal in sight of monogamy and living in the same town at a pre determined date in the future, there is no expectation of monagamy. Not that there can not be, but you have to manage it differently in terms of frequency of contact. when the "What are we?" convo occurs, then my response at that point was "When we are together, WE are together. When we are apart we have to live our lives."

For Local, if she is open to infrequent trysts while knowing Abroad is in the picture, then leave it at that. If she asks about Abroad you can say that you don't talk about other women when you are with her. Having some competition will do 1 of 2 things. Make Local up her game, OR make her pull away. There is nothing wrong with letting her know you are not ready to be tied down with one woman, but you enjoy "spending time with her" and you will make time for her.

Don't sweat the 4 woman experience at 20. Relationship experience is valuable to understanding women.
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Re: When two opposite pasts collide

Postby Richard » Mon Jan 28, 2019 2:10 pm

Mascotte1998 wrote:Thank you for your prompt answer Richard,

I think you hit the nail on the head despite me not being very specific (i'll make an effort should I post something else, thank you for the feedback).

Yes, I just want more experience as I feel I'm at a phase where despite looking for someone I still want to explore my sexuality (variety wise). She somehow made me realise this.

Another problem is even though we didn't talk explicitly about exclusivity (would be nonsense at this stage); I have the feeling Abroad feels like we are and maybe I'm going all white night here but I really don't think she should get hurt by some misunderstanding. Like, Abroad knew about Local; I was clear about my intentions from the start and she seemed cool with it. But as I let go of Local she probably saw that as a step? Is there such a thing as re-calibrating expectations?

Really making rookie mistakes here....but willing to learn from them.

Thank again for your help.


Well, regardless of how you look at things getting experience makes a lot of dating/relationships easier. At this point, I firmly break down relationship management and picking women up into two distinct categories; I was very very good at picking women up and converting them into fuckbuddies or friends with benefits but I found myself stumbling when I got into my first real relationship since joining GC - I made some early mistakes and still deal with the repercussions 3 years later :) (I'm still with that same girlfriend).

While you can work to make early issues/mistakes/blunders negligible it still does take a long time and requires tons of game and calibration. If it wasn't for me having some friends and mentors who could consistently push me in the right direction I think this relationship would have ended a while ago BUT, at this point, my relationship is pretty solid. A lot of my early mistakes came from lack of foresight (read that again).

Relationship management is about looking ahead into the future and MOST people don't do that very well because they fail to account for possible changes. If you implicitly set up this frame that you're going to be monogamous and then 2 years down the line you suddenly want non-monogamy then, well... your girlfriend is going to get her heart broken. You have to be VERY clear on what you want and account for some of the exploring you may want to do. If you implicitly set up this frame that you're "busy" then 2 years down the line when you aren't responding back to texts every 5 minutes and you're not answering a phone call then your girlfriend won't "worry" because your behavior won't suddenly be different. :)

Anyway, the things to make note of:

  • It's a woman's job to push for a monogamous relationship. Men who push for monogamy establish very weak frames and set themselves up for failure.
  • Don't over invest into a woman too early. Pay attention to how much effort she's giving you and give just a little bit less.
  • Determine what you want right now; if you want to explore, if you want to leave the door open for potential non-monogamy (or occasional side flings while having a main girlfriend), etc.
  • Don't be AFRAID to be SELFISH! Women put themselves first and MOST men need to learn do this.
Not a day in my existence did I experience life until I stepped out of my comfort zones.
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Re: When two opposite pasts collide

Postby Mascotte1998 » Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:48 am

Thank you both for these prompt replies, they have given me the insight (and foresight ;)) I needed.

I realize that this isn't entirely a story of trust. I think I'm being eaten away by regrets to not having had the courage to do what she did: sleeping around and exploring my needs to fix some internal issues. Instead, I think I just ran away from them.

I'm at the point where I realise that my resistance to this idea of an LDR comes from the fact that I want to "make up on lost time" in a way...and distance won't cut it and directly confronts this need to find myself. I know I can give a lot to this woman but my emotions towards her aren't deep enough to not want to address this. I know I can lose her but I mean aren't relationships 2 psyches that confront and somewhat become in phase?

I wouldn't have taken conscience of these things if I had not told her "let's try" even less if I had not met her; some people in life are valuable in the sense that they push you to reconsider some things. Wouldn't be there 100% in the relationship in any case if I didn't address this need of self-exploration anyways...

Thank you. Feels good to have some man to man discussions on this.
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Re: When two opposite pasts collide

Postby Mascotte1998 » Thu Mar 14, 2019 11:49 am

Hey gentlemen,

I’m writing this to you because there is some new in my story. I feel i’m Messing this up badly.

Abroad is pushing very badly for a relationship and I told her I don’t want anything right now: that while she is away I would make time for her when she comes back in town but when she is gone we should both live our lives, that she shouldn't have any expectations. Where I messed up is I feel I didn’t explicitly enough explain I wanted to sleep around before being committed, though I did clearly say we weren't exclusive (she said she never considered that). I found out that her sexual past isn’t all that pink (she's had bought times with players; and I don't want to let her down). She’s a great girl (smart, pretty, funny, supportive, seems to have a good heart, knows how to confront me when there is an issue) and we really get along, she is a good friend.

The problem is that she came to town last weekend (not specifically for me). We saw each other on Friday where I explained the above to her. Said she understood. After a wonderful afternoon though we ended up having drunk sex after a couple of drinks (she says she doesn’t remember anything...). So feeling I was being a bit played I decided to go on a date a Tinder girl was pushing for the next day (I had been debating whether I should or not, but after the "not remembering anything" I was like "ok, whatever"), she ended up in my bed (no sex, just oral...she was having her monthly moment). Two days later Abroad and I meet for coffee. I talked again about the whole having our own life thing for now and she did seem a bit hurt and admitted to having feelings. Those feelings don't really seem justified to me (she says like she feels like a 13year old when around me; but how can she have that if she’s only seen me twice in real over a period of 3 months?). Later that afternoon, we ended up having sex. Right now, I feel a bit selfish and a jerk for that date but then again; we are not exclusive (which I made very clear). The thing is I feel I could let this thing with abroad grow into something good but while she is away I feel like I do want to explore my sexuality (like she has in her past); these two things collide in my head and I end up thinking I'm a huge asshole (pardon the expression, I'm just not used to be even the slightest selfish). When she left she said she was happy with how everything went and that she got to know me better. Tinder girl wants to hookup this weekend...

I really don't know what to do and so I decided to ask for your take on this.

Would you please be so kind to be the most brutally honest with me; I need some objective view on this situation. Some friends are telling me I'm over thinking it but then again Im stuck between wanting to keep in touch with this girl for a potential future something and wanting to protect her feelings AND wanting to take care of this desire of exploring sex with other women. Should I tell abroad what happened? (I mean if things were to evolve, would that be a bad thing to hide?)

Thank a lot for the advice.
Mascotte1998


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Re: When two opposite pasts collide

Postby Fuck This » Thu Mar 14, 2019 1:07 pm

Look at it this Way...

Abroad is, and should be, worried that something or someone better is going to come along and snatch you away. She wants to reserve you for herself. Only natural. You should not feel guilty for being upfront that you are going to see other people in her extended absence. I'm thinking if she raises an objection, then you let her know sternly, but kindly, "When you return we can pick up where we left off." You can still communicate with her like you would a friend while she is away. Just don't discuss your sex/dating life.

IF she presses you about going out with other girls, OR if you have slept with other girls, you have to NOT LIE. You are under no obligation to tell her but you also need to know you can't ask her about her sex life either. More than likely she is going to tell you about a guy she went out with or tried to sleep with her as a way of making you reveal your activities. Don't fall for it.

Black Dragon has a number of articles about managing a polyamorous harem.

As for local girls, when they become regular partners, you have to be equally as adherent to the DADT (Don't Ask Don't Tell) policy. If you are not communicating with them daily, at regular times it is less noticable if you don't answer their call or return their text right away. .
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Re: When two opposite pasts collide

Postby Mascotte1998 » Tue Mar 19, 2019 1:35 pm

Thanks a lot for your reply.

Definitely a good thing to apply.

We actually talked about it not long ago (didn't tell her I was dating or anything, it kinda got there), told me she didn't care if I got with any girls as long as its one night stands and it doesn't become a regular thing and she gets to see me. Good point, I didn't react to it.

She said that for her she isn't interested in dating right now and that for sure she would never tell me if she did. She was so relaxed about it and among other things I do think she still does it though: her right, didn't ask, don't really care...just doesn't seem honest to say you're not interested if you are though, no? (very different from DADT)
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