Re: Victim mentality seriously starting to ruin my life, know the cause not the
Toby said:
Speaking of dating apps.
Out of nowhere managed to match with a sexy girl, my confidence is at a sky high. It was Hinge and she liked one of my pics too, going to let you guys know how that all goes.
This life is, just wow. I don't get that many matches in general, more than the average guy but I am not killing it or anything. Usually I match with 5s and 6s but this girl is out of the world. Luck just tends to strike sometimes man!
Hey Toby,
Good shit, seems like your attitude is changing for the better, but I wanted to take the opportunity to point out some lines of thinking that can really help you succeed and move on past your victim mentality. When you say something like, "This life is just wow" or "Luck just tends to strike." It shows truly how much you view life as something that is happening to you vs things happening to you as a direct consequence of your actions.
That is what the core of victim mentality is. It's viewing yourself as a victim to the external things in your life, even if you have control over those things. It's a thought pattern where you look at something and you think to yourself, "...this happened to me." I want to encourage to completely stop doing that whether it is good or bad. Obviously it is worse when it is a negative thing, but even for positive things. You must start viewing those as a consequence of your actions.
Heres an example: You match with hot girl on dating app. Instead of attributing that to your own actions like you should have, you think "boy oh boy, I got lucky with this match!" ATL is stock full of hot girls. You didn't get lucky. You took action. You've been swiping more and putting yourself in a better position to show up on girls accounts and you've been using multiple dating apps. You also took action and got your pics upgraded (which is awesome by the way been meaning to do the same thing). Start thinking like this - instead of saying, "boy I got lucky", say, "I took action and now I'm getting better results" Attribute your successes to your actions. Then think, how can I get even better! Then keep attributing higher levels of success to yourself. This change of though patterns will actually motivate you to take more action.
On the other side of the coin, you MUST also do this with negative things. If you are having trouble making friends. It is directly a consequence of you. It is not your circumstances. If the action you've taken hasn't netted you any results, its not because "life is too tough on you" or that "rich kids get all the friends" or whatever it is you think... A lack of results is 100% tied to a lack of action. Attributing failure to outside circumstances will actually motivate you to not take action. So it's vital you stop this thought pattern ASAP. If you want more social life, you have to take more action period.
You may say, well I did take action and it didn't work.
Im telling you whatever you've done is not enough, and you must get that through your head. You must start viewing the large majority of things in life as within your own control. There are some things that aren't of course, but you must largely ignore those things and focus on what you can do. This is the crux of the problem and its fundamentally what separates "victim you" from "successful you."
Your biggest problem is you focus most of your energy on things that are outside of your control. Bad mom, poor when growing up, people don't like you in college. Those things suck, but the past is out of your control. Your energy should not be on it at all. It should barely ever cross your mind. There are terrible things that have happened to me in this life too, but I very rarely even let those things cross my mind, and when I do its in amusement and possibly analysis to make sure *I* won't let those situations happen again. It's not that life happened to me badly. It's that *I* took the wrong actions that lead to shitty consequences. And if it truly was life that happened to me, I don't focus on it for even a second, because who cares. Focusing on it won't change it.
Obviously, you are doing this with both good and bad things in your life. You have to start attributing all these things to yourself.
Here are some links about "locus of control" that should give you some more food for thought. I too used to have a victim mentality. I was first exposed to the concept of locus of control through the ebook "How to become an alpha male" by John Alexander. Which was a great ebook on natural game long before I found Chase, and it has been one of the biggest positive factors in my life when I started attributing all things to my control, even if they weren't.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Locus_of_control
viewtopic.php?f=6&t=16973
Once you ingrain these principles, you will lose your victim mentality. A victim mentality cannot exist in someone with a predominantly internal locus of control by definition. It's also why I find whining and complaining and victim mentality so annoying. It goes against one of my core beliefs as a human that every man is responsible for his own destiny and that every man has a large amount of control over that destiny not matter his circumstances.
I also hope you see how you can have a victim mentality even with positive things. If something positive happens you cannot view it as luck (although I believe in luck to an extent, but I even more strongly believe the amount of luck anyone has is directly correlated with the amount of action he takes).
Anyways, still good to see you're looking up and starting to see your need for change. Please read those links and im looking forward to hearing more positive things in the future from you.
Cheers,
radeng