A Lover's Adventures

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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749
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

Just some constructive rants

Mindset, Generally Speaking
Seems like all girls in my sex circle are being buzzkills at the moment.. It's a stressful time indeed. It makes me wonder if it's worth to go through all this stress by meeting new girls.

But then I think about the benefits of doing all of this. I can develop from all these experiences. I can become the man I have always aspired to be: the powerful, successful, special guy.

How tough am I really? How will I keep moving forward despite setbacks? I have been through a lot of setbacks the last couple of years in all fields of interest, I know what it looks like. It's been easy to just back down once things get a little challenging. I'm tired of that. I'm mostly tired of my thoughts shifting to the extreme side of giving up and me giving in to those thoughts. That can't be an option to become successful and overcome challenges. I should accept that I have such thoughts, but what I should not do, is listening to them and letting them influence what I end up doing.

Mindset Around GF Prospects
I'm just beginning to understand what it's like to see women with gf glasses vs casual glasses. Now I've seen with gf glasses twice: Anna first, then Juliet. And I had developed some oneitis for both and played it safe... For someone who emphasizes on having an outcome independent mindset, it's amazing that I forgot it around them. And I feel like banging my head on a wall time after time to let sink in for good. But I guess the reasonable solution is to see all future gf prospects with casual glasses first and being outcome independent always. Follow Blackdragon's model: always view them as FB's first, and move to the different gf territories later.

I'll have to make some ground rules as I gain more experience.

Plan?
Meet new girls, duh.

Quick Note on Recent Experience
Just this weekend, I was studying in a coffee shop and saw the most sexy woman I had seen in a while. Beautiful woman, probably in her late 20's! It's been some time since I experienced such arousal. I've never wanted to meet a woman so bad and not feel ashamed about it. I just let myself feel the sensation this time (= didn't open her).

I think it's worthy to mention this change in how I didn't feel ashamed about approaching her for her sexy appearance. Wonder how things will turn out next time.. I'm a little excited :)
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Jan 7, 2015
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749
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

My Circle of Girls Is Down to 1
Seems like I won't be fucking Mary anymore, at least not anytime soon. That means I'm only seeing Paula for sex for the time being.

Mary can't get over the guy she was/is in love with. And because of certain circumstances, she can't talk to anybody close to her about it, but me and her best friend. She's a little naïve about the whole thing and wants to take some kind of revenge, but I just think she wants his attention. He's definitely occupying her mind.. It's mindblowing.. for her to reveal certain details about the whole situation and her thoughts and actions, it must have taken quite a deal for her. But she must trust me as well..

This made me wonder what her intentions really were when we first began fucking.. it actually hurts inside me when all I am to her is somebody she just wanted to fuck and be a friend with.. :D I didn't really elicit any emotions in her. But this guy is doing it all.

My Ego Is Being Challenged a Lot Recently. Return of the Humble a-jay?
I realize one thing... I can talk the talk... but not walk the walk.

The one thing I hate most in my journey of seduction mastery, is that I have experienced most stages of such a journey before in another setting. Thus, I want to believe I know it all and all the ways to do things. The sad part is I don't...

And I experience emotions I also did when I was younger. And I mean the "bad" emotions that come from me being insecure and ego-protecting.

Besides my oneitis for Juliet, this insecurity of mine might have played a role in the emotions I felt.. why would a girl like her that I satisfied this much, postpone us meeting again?? That was my thought pattern..

It also explains why I am envious of the guy Mary is in love with.. even though he's going about it the wrong way imo, he's making her feel all those emotions that I want girls to feel. And it hurts me to see that he's actually doing it.. and I probably only made a couple of girls feel it all in my teen years.

My New Year post was supposed to make some guidelines for which priorities I should have.. and I tried to make myself believe that I was being as flexible as possible. But because I put girls on the "small stone" priority, it resulted in me believing I had found the right way of living and knowing everything there is to know about girls.. but it's far from it.

I wanted to settle with that level of experience.. which is far from enough.

Nothing can go 100 % as planned, but I think I've definitely made a priority mistake when I put girls in the small stones box..

There's always room to improvement. AL-FUCKING-WAYS. In every fucking field.

So, New Goals
Get back on online apps
Master cold approach during the day to get rid of that freaking ego. Learn to be vulnerable. Stop only looking at attractive women..
Stop making life long guidelines.. just make priorities for nothing less than a couple of days, and nothing more than a month. Nothing else is necessary.

Future Posts in my Journal
Less ridiculous posts about how I'm thinking.. more awesome posts about new girls I'm meeting!

Edit: And perhaps I should stop using the "deathbed" argument in the other threads when I can only live by it myself in everything, but my women life... I feel like I'm being a fraud for using it, but maybe I have some things to learn myself..
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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749
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

Mindset Struggles
From my last post:

a-jay said:
Nothing can go 100 % as planned, but I think I've definitely made a priority mistake when I put girls in the small stones box..

There's always room to improvement. AL-FUCKING-WAYS. In every fucking field.

Addition: It's all about knowing when something is a big or small stone at the given time.. and me making these long term priorities was overthinking.

A lot of overthinking is turning around these days. I have taken measures for the times when I think too much in general because I could probably win the world cup in overthinking. I have also taken a lot of notes recently in order to overcome overthinking and even talked to my father about it. He has offered some splendid piece of advice.

I'm trying to apply it in cold approaches. I don't really feel any anxiety at all, but I get distracted by my mind and try to predict outcomes. Everytime I predict outcomes, two things happen: I overthink, and I'm not outcome independent. It has turned into a couple of opportunities, but way more missed opportunities. So it's about shooting before allowing myself to think. Or thinking the right things. It works in some situations, but cold approaching is hard as ever.

Latest Approaches
Sometime ago in a coffee shop, I see a girl with an anatomy book I'm very familiar with. I've studied it to no ends, so I open when I was on my way to the bathroom:

Me: Is that *the book*?
Her: Yes, it is!
Me: So you must either be a med student or upcoming physiotherapist?
Her: Med student indeed! What about you?
Me: Med student as well.

And we go to talk about some insignificant stuff before I am on my way to the bathroom.
When she's about to leave, she wishes me luck with university. I tell her likewise.

Mistakes: When I return, I didn't engage again at any point. And also I didn't tell her to stay even though I wanted her to.

On my vacation in the Eastern, I was in a clothing store and got eye contact with a fairly attractive woman, probably in her mid 30's. We keep the eye contact and smile as we're passing by each other. I never had this happen before, but it was an exciting moment.

After I returned, I've focused on getting out and meet new people once again. Tuesday I opened a girl in Starbucks sitting right next to me because the sun was shining, but it started to snow out of nowhere. I found out she was foreigner (didn't speak local language), but I left the conversation after we talked about the snow. Mistake: with such an obvious topic (her being a foreigner) to continue the conversation with, just take that opportunity

Today in the bus, the girl next to me is reading the book "The Ethical Slut". I wanted to tell myself back then "Huge Green Light!!!" but didn't. This could have been an interesting conversation to start indeed.

Later in the gym, I teased the receptionist because one of their machiens didn't work. She asked if I hated this place now, and I said with a wink and teasing tone "I really hate this place". But anyway, this kind of small talk bantering is easy, and it's okay to do it, but it doesn't get me anywhere. It's the escalation of conversations that give them any direction.

I feel like I have lost my social momentum for making such basic mistakes and not taking much action. But I guess I'll expose myself to these situations whenever I can to make something happen.

And Then What?
I just had a visit from Paula before I wrote this post. And she reminded unintentionally and unbeknownst to her why I should keep meeting new girls. It's quite simple actually: she and I have great sex, and why not try to find new sex partners to have great sex with? Now that I'm gradually getting over porn, and my Facebook is gone, there's not much room for distractions. Let's see where this is headed.
 

kristian

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

Love to see that you are writing again.

When it comes to anxiety and outcomes. When I become anxious is because I tend to think about "getting somewhere" with the girl, then I just shift my focus to just working on improving. My only outcome is to become better with women, not the actual woman in front of me.

Hope that helps.

- Kristian
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

kristian said:
My only outcome is to become better with women, not the actual woman in front of me.

Ironically, I teach a similar concept to my students, but forget to use it in areas where I'm improving myself lol. I'll keep it in mind next time out and write a summary later. Thanks bro!
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

I feel like throwing out a lot of my old clothes has been a very good decision. Everytime I look in my wardrobe, I only see nice looking clothes. To some degree it still shocks me that I have very few "chill" clothes. But a couple of interactions with waitresses have been very good lately. I can feel some underlying tones in their voices when I talk to them. Nothing significant at all, but I just noticed it yesterday with this blackhaired, white, tattooed girl in the bagel shop. There was actually something sexy about her.. I think it was her voice that made that impression on me. She wasn't all that good-looking to me, but there were definitely something intriguing about her. I wonder if a sexy male voice has the same impact on women... maybe I had the same impact on her as well?

Besides the bagel girl, I went out yesterday with outcome independence in mind. And guess what happened? Approach fucking anxiety hit me this time. WTF?

I realized that it was the uncertainty of not knowing what will happen when you approach someone in the streets that caused the anxiety.. I tried to tell myself logically that I must overcome this uncertainty, and that it wouldn't bother me later. But I didn't overcome it, and my momentum died rather quickly :D

I realized a couple of other things as well

- I started to feel I should approach women that were hot so it seemed "worth it". But everytime I saw some hot women, I knew they overdid their hotness (too much makeup or big butt in leggings). Obviously, I made up excuses to not approach anyone lol.

- I tend to forget my goal while out (finding new, amazing sex partners). But at the same time, I should care less about the outcome of any approach.... it's not like I'm going to propose to them or anything. But I'm trying the "this interaction will lead me to better interactions later"-style in future outings

So yeah.. no cold approaches with stated intentions again. Maybe I'm not ready to be so vulnerable from the get-go. For now, it's better to have some memorized openers to use in certain contexts. I think "Hey, how you doin'?" will be sufficient in most cases, like public transitions, lines, stores, malls etc. and then see where the conversation goes and what vibes I get. I know that I can compliment them later if necessary. But I admire those who can open direct. No bullshit, just a man stating his interest to a woman. She can take it or leave it. But I'll get there eventually :)

Next time I post in this journal, it will include interactions from cold approaching in the day. Admins may feel free to ban me if I don't keep my promise :)
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

Okay, this was way harder than I thought it would be. I've managed to open some persons and vice versa, just some situational small talk.

Today, I was sitting at a transition and saw an attractive woman waiting for somebody. It took me a minute to get ready for approaching. I walked slowly towards her and simply asked "hey, do you speak *local language*?". As I'm asking, she checks me out in one second and replies "no" in the local language. I say okay and move on. LOL hiding the banana for good :'D
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

I met an attractive exchange student a couple of days ago when I was attending my internship, and she had just gotten there for an internship as well. Our talk until that point had been superficial because we could only talk at the workplace - and I didn't want everybody around us to know that it could be going down between us. But she seemed into me judging from her vibe, and she is returning to her home country in two weeks. I thought "why the hell not" and aksed her if she was down for coffee soon.

We exchanged contact info, and I texted her today. I wanted to get straight to ask for her schedule, but we didn't have any real rapport yet. So I asked her how her weekend had been. She tells me a minute later that her aunt had just passed away... I tell her I''m sorry for her loss, she replies thanks. I decide to assess the situation.

I'll admit I was being outcome dependent until she wrote this. Afterwards, I honestly didn't care how things would be going down. I don't care if she leaves, and we haven't had sex at that point. But might as well see how far I can push it.

On the one hand, and in all likelihood, she is telling the truth. And on the other hand, I was thinking she's using a rather aggressive screening or rejection tool. Why? Because girls... you never know with them. But I ditched the latter thought and went with the former.

I was thinking "If I push for the date, I'll look like an inconsiderate prick who doesn't take her circumstance into account. If I don't mention my intentions, she'll probably think what the hell I was up to then" (even though we talked about it briefly). What is the happy medium in such case?

I didn't know. I couldn't figure out what was the right move in such case and just went with my gut feeling - and the result of that would probably be considered a "bad" text. The rest of the conversation went like this:

ME: I get if you don't want to grab coffee, given the circumstances. But if you'd like some distraction anyway, just hit me up :)
Her: So if circumstances were better, you wouldn't get it? :b anyway, you're right, not in the mood right now. But maybe next week.
Me: I'm afraid not (; Take care
Her: You too

-My first message in this part of the convo was bad. Basically, I have surrendered all power to her.. first of all, I put thoughts into her head ( = telling her that I understand if she doesn't want to grab some coffee). How unnice of me.
-Second, I frame our meeting as a distraction for her. That's ok if she interpreted this as "low key, casual date between two sexy people".
-And then, I tell her to just hit me up.. and we all know how that goes.

So all in all, a bad text. What the hell am I supposed to do in such case?

Her reply was interesting though. She had time and energy to make fun of my statement about being understandable in this case. And then she gave me the "maybe next week". Ugh. However, she has left me with the impression that she is not as fazed as I immediately thought she would be. She is being so cool about it that it almost scares me.

She hasn't rejected me, but all she has left me with is that "little hope of maybe something happening" lol. Very bad place to be in, generally speaking.

(She just lost a family member, and all I can think about is whether I can get her to bed or not. But maybe she just needs a good dicking to get it out of her system... I don't know unless I try to get us to that point, do I?!)

As I'm writing this, I just saw in my schedule that I will not be able to do next week. Why? BEcause my last exam is Saturday next week (she knows this lol). but I had forgotten to check my schedule when she wrote maybe next week. I should text her again tomorrow that I might be able to meet later this week, but not next week of course.

If it happens, it happens. And if not, well, at least I tried. But I should work on my texts for next time I meet such objections and girls don't flat out reject the idea of grabbing coffee. But dear a-jay, by all means, stop putting thoughts into their heads, and don't surrender power to them (;
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

Don't know if I "blew it" with the exchange student. Nonetheless I couldn't get her to meet me while she's still here. I kept my texts short and to the point in order to make her meet again. I think she just wasn't interested in me because she didn't put in any effort to secure an appointment, but kept bringing up more reasons to not meet. Just maybe did I stand a better chance if I had better game.

Instead of auto-rejecting and making a bitter ending between us, I decided to be mature about it (unlike with Juliet). She told me to come visit her in her home country, and all I could reply was "If life offers me an opportunity to go there, I might.. but I might have forgotten all about you until then ;) Take care, and good luck with the rest of your studies!"

Anyway, I'm glad I pushed myself harder than I usually would for one reason: I don't have to worry about meeting her again anytime soon. Let that be a learning lesson for new girls as well.
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

Finally some well-deserved vacation! And I start it by making some vents about my current situation.

I have 11 weeks I can spend on really investing in myself. And I haven't given up on dealing with my fear of approaching during the day, thus, that is 11 weeks to really get myself into meeting women in the day.

As I put myself out there more, I see more and more what is stopping me from making any approaches...

I wrote on 28th April that I was probably not ready to be vulnerable. For all I know, that is probably EXACTLY what I must be. Vulnerability makes a lot of sense when I think about my teen years because I embraced it back then. I didn't care about any particular outcome, progress was all that really mattered. I just accepted my ridiculous flaws and imperfections, and other people were more than welcome to take them or leave them. But somewhere during all this, I must have "lost" my vulnerability. I can't think of a single event that has contributed to this... it's probably an accumulation of many events that eventually led me to "lose" it, so to speak. I can think of a couple of events back then, but it would be too much to write them here. It's the fact that I am and have been so seldomly vulnerable the last couple of years that matters.

I'm pretty sure that, deep down, I have had this feeling that women will sense something's off when I approach. I mean, why else have I not approached? Fear of rejection? Or fear of not letting her see my best, genunine self?

For me, it has come down to this: I want to relearn how to be vulnerable with people and myself. And no, writing in my journal won't help with that directly. I need real humans - real flesh and blood - to do this.

Without going too much into details, I will provide one example of me lacking vulnerabilty. I haven't written this here before this thorough, but when Camilla, my former long term fwb broke up with me last year, I spent 5 weeks in a terrible mood for one simple reason: I hadn't been completely honest with her. I pretended everything was fine when she had met this great guy and wanted to pursue a monogamous relationship with him, and thus, breaking up with me. I told her I didn't want to keep in contact with her because I was tired of this on-off thing we had going (bullshit). But the truth is, we could have ended on a very good note for once, had it not been for my invulnerability at that moment. And once those 5 weeks were past, I went over to her place, unannounced (okay, I had actually tried a couple of times before that, but she wasn't home......) with stuff she had left at mine. She told me to come in, and for the first time in a really long time, I just opened myself up to her again. I have never had so many tears rolling down in front of another person - it's not like I could control them at that moment, nor did I want to. I was disappointed in myself for letting her down like this because she didn't do anything to deserve such behavior from my end. She was disappointed and didn't buy it. I proposed we stayed friends, we didn't have to be sexual anymore. But she was fine without me. I felt better afterwards, now I could at least live with myself. I have seen her a handful of times since then, but of course she wants to get away from me immediately haha.

One lesson I learned from this experience, was to embrace my vulnerability once again - except it only lasted short term. My ego needed protection again once the shattered pieces of it found their way back together.

I have always wondered (and still wonder) if my ego really has anything to do with me not being able to approach... I still think it has some minor influence. However, I think my inability to be vulnerable is my biggest issue and has been for some time now. I know what I truly want in life and from women, and have known it for a very long time. For some reason, I have suppressed it or exchanged it for superficial, unimportant goals. I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of being tired.

So what are these things I want in life and from women...?

Simple. I have a life goal that is to live as healthy as possible. And with women, well, it comes down to having healthy relationships with them. One way to do this is connecting with them emotionally. God, how long have I not done this...? Seriously, I can only remember I did it with Paula (current fwb of 9 months or so) when I met her because I already perceived as her emotionally mature. But what has stopped me from doing it with everybody else?

Okay, enough for now. Let's conclude.

I want to embrace vulnerabilty once again because I unlearned it at some point. I stopped accepting myself (how is that even possible?), cared about others' approval of me again and did things that I didn't really want.

Women have always been my team players. I'm not sure why I ever began seeing them as something to conquer, but I did for some time. #insecurity #invulnerability #idiot

Honestly, I'm tired of caring. I just want to express my true, genuine self to the world. I want to accept who I am more than anything.

I have a fear of showing vulnerability I want to overcome. And one way of doing it, though not the ultimate way, is to be vulnerable with attractive women I don't know. I have 11 weeks before next term begins - and I'm SO excited about the changes I can make in this time !!

And if it doesn't work out.. nah, forget it. I will be optimistic about this :) keep you posted

Screen-shot-2012-08-09-at-9.21.01-AM.png
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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749
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

That feeling when you're SO close to deliver a genuine compliment.. and you still don't manage to do it :D

I've been out 4 executive days now in the streets, downtown and a libary, yet no genuine compliments. However, I noticed today as it was getting late that I tried to keep my social momentum going by congratulating high school graduates and talking with few strangers about something situational going on (like 2 or 3 lines). I take this as my body trying to tell me that I need momentum and should continue being social with anyone. It makes sense, judging from the couple of weeks I managed to do some cold approaches last year. But eventually, I'll have to deliver a compliment and be able to just speak my mind in these cases.

I found a quite area of the libary today where I could visualize before getting back on the street. It actually helped to get me VERY close to do it haha. (Side note: I've done some visualization the last two weeks, also trying to make it a habit)

In my head, the handful of opportunities I passed up upon, could all have been so easy to do. But I chickened out. However, I'm very optimistic about the whole process right now because I can focus most of time on developing this part of my life and build general momentum. It'll be a great and memorable summer =)

For tomorrow (and probably for the next couple of days)
- Do my meditation routine when I wake up
- Visualize for 5-10 minutes just before going out with the brainwave app (not a habit yet, but it helps me focus on my goal and general mindset)
- Keep reminding myself of the rule I made today: just move my feet towards someone I want to compliment.
- Just say "hi" to the people that I pass. Doesn't matter if they are wearing headphones, talking on the phone etc. Just say hi.
- Approach one girl with a genuine compliment

Edit: stop reading GC articles for a while because it distracts me. I also managed to judge for myself whether girls were wearing makeup or not while out today (damn you, Chase! Stop making great articles like those! ;)
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
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Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

No genuine compliments today as well. I went out before lunch and walked to the city libary close to downtown to hang out there. Wasted opportunities, need I say more. In the afternoon I got back out. Just a bunch of situational talk, and was ignored by a woman eating a croissant when I told her enjoy. I had to be somewhere before dinner, but I went back to the city to walk in downtown, the sea and my favorite street in late evening. Just some situational stuff again.

I want to write stuff about my emotions, but they are really just excuses to not approach.

One note though: I became furiously frustrated for my inability to do the compliments and the money I spend on transportation every time I go out to "practice". I do actually wonder how much I've spent the last two months.... because of that realization, I wanted to throw my water bottle into a wall or a sharp edge, hard, just to see the water splash out. But even that, I couldn't do when I was walking, and no one else was nearby haha. It's pathetic. I'm truly a suppressor of most emotions and impulses! But that'll change

Oh well, tomorrow is just around the corner. Another shot to do this! I'll go to a mall and the city again. Same rules for today will apply.
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
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Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

Went to two malls, downtown and the streets. The hired guns in clothing stores were eager to help me, and girls were giving me looks for once which made me feel good. But it wasn't enough to get my bravery rising haha.

My round this time took 5 hours in total, breaks included. I was getting sore heels, shoulders and back + headaches from all the pressure my body and mind felt I was putting them through. But I could do my first approach in the streets right before going home. I had decided to compliment the next girl with pretty hair. Ten minutes in and already 5 missed opportunities JUST for hair.. but as I passed a light signal, a girl with beautiful afro curls and her friend parked their bikes next to the pharmacy 4-5 metres away. I didn't decide this is it. I kinda just went over to curly girl haha and spoke to her in English

Me: Hey
Her: Hey!
Me: Hey, sorry to interrupt..
Her (interrupts me herself): It's okay
Me: But I thought you have the prettiest hair I've seen all day! I had to come over and tell you
Her: aaaw, thank you! That's so cute
Me: You're welcome. Have a nice evening!
Her: Thanks!

I wasn"t looking into her eyes as I delivered the compliment LOL. Just wanted to get it over with it.

Afterwards I was neutrally happy I did it. I could feel my smile, and people I passed afterwards, could tell this guy just won the Olympics.

It was kind of nostalgic because it reminded me of the first time I did this.

So... It's out again tomorrow. I have to keep myself in this momentum of delivering compliments.

As I'm not naturally a creative person, I think one part I mess up is thinking of a compliment instead of just delivering what comes to mind. I'll stick to only complimenting hair for now. And I'll delivering them quickly in the day to go home early haha (My poor body)

Tomorrow: compliment the hair of two girls at least
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
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Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

Finished earlier today. However... Had to go to two different malls than yesterday and finally hit the streets that lead to the city before I could make the approaches.

The first one was a mother with blonde curly hair, carrying her newly born body in front of her body. I do a half policeman stop since I'm walking with my umbrella.

Me: Hey! I want to tell you something.
Her: Yes?
Me: I thought your curly hair is the prettiest I've seen all day. I just had to tell you that!
Her: That's great! (What a reply lol)
Me: You're welcome

Judging from her tone, she didn't give one single fuck =) And neither did I. But I had to do it. And that's the feeling I love - the have to do it.

A couple of minutes later: The second one was another blonde, but straight hair. I saw her come to my side of the streets and thought "that one". She went to the atm, and I was like "oh well let's give a shot anyway"

Me: Hey (she looks at me) real quick
Her: Not as I'm standing here
Me: Ah, okay. Have a good day
Her: You too

I didn't know unless I tried, right? Well, just don't approach anyone at atm's anymore.

Conclusion: I actually managed to deliver only one compliment. At this stage, it's okay. But later, it is necessary that if I get rejected before I can deliver one, it won't count.

The thing that worked in my favor when I reached the streets, was that I did a lot of positive self-talk. Reminded myself of my days as a martial arts competitor and how I did my best because I was so passionate about it. I transfered that energy to this very moment. After 5 minutes I did the first approach, and 4-5 minutes afterwards the second.

And focusing on hair is fun. I barely notice tits or asses all of a sudden.

Goal for tomorrow: 2 new approaches, still hair.
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Jan 7, 2015
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Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

No compliments today. Just a self-conscious guy, badly stuck in his head.

To get/stay outside my head, I have to do two things:
- gain social momentum early on, and lots of it. Just like being at a party
- feel the impulses I get when I see an attractive woman and accept them instead of denying/suppressing them - and get to approach while feeling them

Tomorrow: 1 compliment and lots of momentum
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
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Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

Today
Okay, so more in my body today than yesterday. Yet, I still find myself making compliment constraints for some reason. No compliments today either, not verbally at least. But I had two young women sit next to me in Starbucks when I was doing some mails. First I helped them find a socket to charge their phones (they are hidden really well), and once one of them left for the bathroom I began talking to the other (let's call this one Chick1, and the other Chick2). I can barely remember what the conversations were about, but I loved the energy, and I could feel I was in control of it. If I didn't move the conversation forward, she wouldn't either. I know I could have increased the possibility of a number close, had I escalated the conversation further than small talk.* At one point, chick2 returns. And later, chick1 hits the bathroom to change. And my god, she looked fine when she came back. And this is where I didn't compliment her verbally. Did I cut my tongue temporarily...? Anyway, for what felt like forever, I couldn't take my eyes off of her. From my end, it was technically a nonverbal compliment, but who knows how she took it. They left shortly afterwards, saying a final "Nice to meet you".

* With that said, I honestly don't know what stopped me from escalating further. Checking mails? Give me a break.... I lack the ability to do my best in all situations. This will change! I have the capacity in this vacation to make significant change and should use it wisely.

I'll be taking the day off tomorrow. Instead I'll write personal benefits of doing this journey and downsides of not doing it. And whatever I write, I will have to read it every day in this month to remind myself why I am doing this. I'll write it here as well and return with new goals for the upcoming days.

This week
It's been an interesting week. I find lots of different excuses all the time. I can't rely on excuses, but I can rely self-talk to some degree right now. Maybe I should continue with this.

One good thing came out of it: focusing on one physical trait only. Take their hair: previously I would only look at whether it was straight/curly + color(s). But when you truly take time to really analyze any trait (hair in this case), you begin to notice more differences like subtle(r) hair colors, length, styles etc. I wonder why I have never taken the time to look at women this thorough... if I can do it with hair, I could probably do it with their clothes, accessories, head shapes, faces, makeup etc. Heck, even lips will do. This could explain why I've never had any particular type of women - I've never thought about what physical kind I truly want. I love big breasts though..

Another thing I have to keep in my mind, is how much time I spend trying to make myself deliver a compliment. I think I must set a deadline for myself. Like "By [X clock] I must have finished whatever task I have". I feel ridiculous for spending hour after hour doing nothing, and get more stuck in my head. But I must be a bad downside to not reaching my daily goal. I'll think about this.


An event that could explain my general avoidance of giving compliments
I hate writing these, but they're necessary. Another thing that happened today, was a good thing - yet bad at the moment: I saw a former classmate from my university at the transition. And all of a sudden I got very self-conscious. I could care less if she saw me. But I have some bad memories of her. The ironic thing about this memory is that there is an element of compliment involved in it. We were at a party, probably the first one when we began attending university. She wanted to use me and another man to get in kissing-mood for a completely different guy she had her eyes on. I thought this was weird because I had never kissed friends before on the lips lol and thought it was overstepping my boundaries. I did it anyway, and her lips were soooo soft. And guess what I did? Yes, I told her haha. Just a genuine compliment, but I might have been excited when I told her. And this put her off. She turned off instantly, as if someone had just bathed in mud and tried to hug her at a wedding. She got mad at me, telling me that people don't do such things, I should never do that again and bla bla bla. And this made me mad. I even think I wrote about it in my diary back then?

Today, I know that the compliment was off and even cringeworthy, given our relationship. But even so, I believe it came from a place of honesty. And had I known better back then, I would never have kissed a friend, even if just for a second.

I wonder if I had any shame from complimenting people afterwards. I was always good at speaking my mind, and I feel like this incident has been one that probably made me more aware of what I do, and when I do it. Maybe even leading me to get some compliment anxiety lol and have a less polarizing behavior. But I can't let anymore events like this stop me from reaching my full potential as a person. I want to speak my mind freely - and part of that is letting women know when I desire them.
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
749
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

a-jay said:
I'll be taking the day off tomorrow. Instead I'll write personal benefits of doing this journey and downsides of not doing it. And whatever I write, I will have to read it every day in this month to remind myself why I am doing this. I'll write it here as well and return with new goals for the upcoming days.

I took the day off, but decided to compliment a guy walking past me with a woman by saying "Love the shirt!", and he replied "Thank you" :) Awesome.

Seduction-wise, I spent my day on writing my personal benefits as promised. Here they are, in the order that I wrote them:

- I'll become a more attractive person. Why? Generally: It challenges my personal boundaries, my knowlegde on how the world really works and my ego in ways that other skills most likely will not. Specifically: Complimenting strangers and moving things forward with them (being a leader in other words) is not easy - unless you let yourself become experienced and knowledgeable.

- It gives me more opportunities

- I get to know more about my types and tastes + openmindedness. It forces me to really get these downs. I haven't truly focused on my physical type except for boobs :D + I seem to have a prejudice against certain types of girls that might not be healthy. Of course, they might be looking for someone who is also conforming to a certain stereotype if they are dressing in the modern fashion manner. But thinking that this will make them reject me is just auto-rejection from my end.

- Give something in order to get something in return. This is basic value exchanging. It is not even a rule in social dynamics, it is how humans interact. But something I seem to forget from time to time. I want something from her, but she wants something from me as well. Be the one to give first. In the case of the lover: give her the experience of being truly desired by and feeling intimacy with a man who is not ashamed to let her know that he wants something from her as well. Let her experience those emotions that she longs for so badly.

- Vulnerability and speaking my mind; being my true and honest self. This whole journal is all about being genuine. I want to be comfortable expressing my true self and my desires. + I want to be more in my body than in my head.

- Becoming a sexy lover. Being a once-in-a-lifetime experience for the women I meet: the man of their fantasies. Make them feel desired in ways they have never experienced before. But accept the road to get there is going to be a long and hard one.

- Abundance. I'm pretty sure I want a monogamous LTR in the long run. Abundance in the type and number of women I can get will more likely make me pick a partner from a place of abundance rather than scarcity. This one is important because I could probably settle with someone from social circle if the timing should be right. The thought of that scares me somewhat.

- Mindset of constant improvement in the areas that are important to me. I can't get good at anything if I don't make a commitment to always make room for improvement. I am fortunate enough to know these areas =)

- Keeping women interested in me and letting women not interested in me go; stop feeling like an inconvenience You can't "win" always. But rather lose small and win big occasionally, than the other way around. + Women impressed with me will most likely get a better life than had I not been there to lighten up their day. I'm doing them a favor and not expecting anything back. And well, the women not interested might feel more in demand. Technically, no one really loses. Cold approaching is a win for everybody. I'll stop feeling like an inconvenience to women I cold approach.

- Going for more high risk/high reward situations in seduction.

So afterwards, I was going to write down the downsides of not doing this. "But don't be stupid - the downsides of not doing it will be the opposite of all the benefits you just wrote." However, there is one long term downside, which is: If I don't do this journey, I will regret it at my deathbed. I know it, I know it, I know it.

I know it.

Did I say that I know it?

Good. Start doing, motherfucker.

For the rest of the month and starting this evening, I will read this daily at least twice. Once when I wake up, and once before I go to bed. If I don't remind me, nobody will.

On to the goal of tomorrow: within a timespan of 20 minutes, I'll have to compliment 2 new women at least.
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
749
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

Funny how it's this hard to create a new habit.

I tried the 20 minutes span twice today, but no action. And as time goes by, I get more and more in my head. Solution: approach right away when I get out. Use the first couple of approaches as warm up.

One good thing: I could REALLY feel when I wanted to meet some of the girls today. Either their fashion or their makeup were on point. I haven't felt such "urge" in forever. Now I have to react on it.

I did actually talk to one girl sitting next to me on a bench. With these girls I open indirect or situational, I could lead the conversation forward by asking how their day is going.

Goal for tomorrow: make warm up approaches, let's say 5. Make them as soon as possible. And do whatever the hell I want afterwards. Celebrate with delicious ice cream
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
749
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

Unsatisfied with my effort earlier today, I decided to go out one more time this evening with the intention to be as selfish as possible with anybody I could - and by selfish, I mean to do whatever I want with the people I meet and pass. The purpose was simply to test the waters of what I'm comfortable and somewhat comfortable doing while out + get out of my shell. In summary, I ended up:

- Greeting people while riding my bike to my favorite street (this is so weird, haha, no one does that) and even yelled "selfie" when I passed a woman taking one. She laughed!
- Greeting people in the street and tell some of them "cheers". Even greeted a guy with a nod.
- Hugging a guy offering free hugs <3
- More greetings and cheers
- Singing on my bike while on my way home - without listening to any music

The whole outing lasted approximately 2 hours. It was a good experience because I realized that at the end of day, it's not only girls that don't give a fuck - most PEOPLE don't give a fuck. Told a group of two girls "cheers" when they were drinking on a bench, and one of them replied with a meh-attitude "thanks". Some people simply ignored me or looked like a ghost approached them while other people acknowledged my approaches either verbally or non-verbally.

For some weird reason, I think I had this innate idea that it would be mostly girls to reject just about everyone. But clearly, I lack some basic social experience and perhaps need to explore people's general attitudes more.

This outing made me learn one important lesson: it doesn't matter how much I say I'm doing this for the girls. For the most part, I'll be doing it for myself (at least for now). I can only amuse myself by the reactions I get or don't get. But that amusement gets me out of my shell =)
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
749
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

I'm not fully satisfied with today's outing... but not completely unsatisfied either.

After yesterday's fun evening, I decided not to do the warm up approaches, but instead just try to lead the conversation forward with the ones I opened situationally.

I did however "compliment" the service of a hired gun when I ate lunch at a restaurant today because she was that good. I even made her go through the struggle of asking her boss where they got their plates from because they had this awesome design. But lol..... come on. Who am I fooling

I bought some juice later in a juice store, and while waiting for the transaction to be completed I asked the girl how her day was going. I don't remember quite a lot of it until I told her "There's a bug in the test shot right there". She threw it out and said that draining proteins from bugs is actually the new thing to do. After a minute more of talking I give her my hand and wish her a good day. An hour later, I realized she was being sarcastic about the protein-from-bug thing, but she sounded so serious that I didn't catch her trying to make fun of the situation =) I could have asked her if she was a creative person since that was the impression I got from her looks and maybe qualified her on that. Who knows?

As I was getting off one the busses, I see an old lady eating her falafel by the door and tell her "enjoy". She engaged in conversation with me right away, telling me it was the best falafel she had ever had. She had to get off as well and change to the same line as me. We got into this very funny conversation where we found out we had so many common interests that even half of them would be enough. She was cute and energetic, had this lovely vibe. She told me to come visit her at her work place sometime, a store or something. When she had to get off of the second bus, she was about to give me her hand, but I told her to come hug me instead. When she got off, she blew me some air kisses, and I just waved back <3 I will definitely go visit her later this week and get a cup of coffee or something. Maybe take future dates there?

So what is the conclusion? Well... it was good with a different experience for a change. I literally spoke my mind until my comfort zone.

But uhmmmm.... I can't run away from my "fear" (or whatever is stopping me) of direct openers. Even if I become a master of indirect game, I can't expect to use it in all contexts. The question is how I can expand my comfort zone until "speaking my mind" includes direct openers, and I can do these as uninhibited as possible.

I seemed to have the following objections about complimenting today, which I'm just going to mention but not comment on:
- the high risk-high reward profile it has.
- the way of complimenting somebody's looks

ARRRG. It's so frustrating that I have new objections popping up from time to time, and it makes me analyze 5 steps ahead of what I'm capable of. Why? BEcause it's coming from a place where I keep thinking I have to deliver these amazing lines... but I'm not there yet. I have to remind myself that even though my self-esteem is high, I'm not good with direct openers and cold approaching, yet. I might be an amazing person, but I have to come to terms with the fact that I'm not the best at expressing it from the get-go.

Pill is swallowed...

It is so tempting to just forget all about complimenting and focus on reactions and mistake them for success. But I will keep myself on the path I'm forging. Quitting is not an option.

I have to be better tomorrow. Move forward.

Tomorrow I have a job interview after noon. When it's done, I will compliment whatever girl I want to compliment tomorrow. Gain some momentum first if necessary.
 
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