- Joined
- Dec 24, 2012
- Messages
- 7
This is a little long...but hopefully you can guys can give me a reality check. I've been reading a lot and I know a lot of it, but I've had a hard time putting it into practice consistently.
A little background. Me 35, her 29. I met this girl about 2.5 months ago. We just hit it off great. We talked quite often and typically saw each other 2-3 days a week. No fights, no issues, just having fun. We did talk about serious things but nothing too crazy that had an impact (as far as I knoW). In this time, we both had 10 day trips to India on separate occasions. So there wasn't constant contact, but we did still talk everyday. We had both already said that we weren't dating anyone else but never really mentioned whether it was a relationship or not. Is there a difference?
My trip was the second one and when I came home we decided to define the relationship as they say. I had also mentioned in passing that my sister was asking all sorts of questions about us, whether we were "together", whether she was coming to christmas, etc. So when I mentioned the Christmas thing she freaked out and said she wasn't ready to meet the parents or anything. The next night she brought it up, and wanted to know what I thought. I said well you can come to dinner if you want. She said that she couldn't because her family from india was in town. So I said fine no big deal. She said that she would be happy to meet them another time though. Well, it turns out that in their culture, meeting the parents means you are serious enough about the person to get married. So it doesn't happen often. I didn't find this out till later, but things still progressed as they had before. Her behavior was normal. I never asked her about it again.
Fast forward 2 weeks, things were still normal...we were at my holiday company dinner and we were just talking with others there. So I told my co-workers (also friends) about how in their culture they view meeting the parents as meaning that you are getting married in comparison to the traditional american way as it not being a big deal. When I said this I laughed because I thought it was funny how we both didn't know what the other meant. Well, this seemed to kick start "thinking" mode in her. Two days later she started distancing herself. She would still contact me, but I could sense that something had changed. I did see her on sunday and she was nervous talking the whole time. We did not have time to be intimate, unfortunately. I discussed exchanging gifts for christmas and she kind of seemed shocked. I was like, well you are my gf right and I said I thought you wanted something serious. Yes, I realize now that was a big mistake. I just thought it was normal to expect that after 2 months and spending a considerable amount of time together and talking. Following that, the distancing went on for about 6 days, her contacting me more than me contacting her still.
But then Thursday she wanted to end it. She said she feels overly anxious when shes with me and when thinking about things. So I say ok and go to get up, thinking what is there to talk about? (We met for a drink) She didn't want me to leave and wanted to talk. So, she tells me that she's been so anxious she's making herself sick. Heart racing, stomach pains, etc. This was happening during the week, before our thursday meeting. I of course asked her why she was feeling this way and she said she doesn't know. She's been nervous at times with me but nothing to this extent. I tell her I really can't do anything to fix her anxiety. I don't know why she doesn't feel comfortable. She said it may have been too much too soon. She tells me I'm awesome, the sex is awesome, has a great time with me and is afraid that shes walking away from something great. She asks me if she calls me in 3 months would I still answer the phone. I of course said I don't know....that's a long time away. I asked her if she wanted me to fight for her and she perked up like YES of course. So I told her she has to follow and trust me. I repeated that quite a bit to get the point across. In the end, I asked her what she wanted to do. She said she wanted to take a week or two and when I walked her to her car we made out pretty passionately for 5 mins. So, I'm just confused by the mixed signals. In a week and a half we go from things being great and planning new years to breaking up?!?
She's had bad breakups in the past and thought she was getting married twice (yes, they had met the parents). The most recent one ended about a year ago. Could this be the cause of her fear and anxiety? The whole getting into something serious with someone and having your feelings grow into something and being scared shitless? The other big factor is all of the Indian family issues with dating, marriage, etc. especially since she had family coming to town. She also mentioned the holidays as being rough for her with all this and the family...etc.
I know the whole, if you want someone you want them, and you don't run from it philosophy...which makes sense to me. I generally feel the same way. Does anxiety change that idea or am I just looking for reasons to keep hope alive?
So, Friday morning I sent an email to her, telling her not to respond, but I just wanted to clear up some of the misunderstandings (dinner conversation, meeting the parents). I didn't beg for her to come back or anything dumb like that, but told her to break down her wall and take a risk. Since then I have not been in contact with her.
You may ask, why do I even care? Well, I think that we just get along really great, have great compatibility and think things could actually work out if she gets past this.
Other than not calling or contacting her (giving space), if and when she contacts me, what are my next moves? I'm definitely confused, but I still want her. I did fall for her, big mistake so soon, but while I'm upset, I'm not completely delusional about things or wallowing in self pity. I realize I don't know the ins and outs of her and that it was a short time in getting to know one another. Is this all a test to see if I really want her or was I too available, not enough challenge and she just thought it was too good and easy?
For my own sake I've also put my online profile back up and I am getting some things going instead of just sitting here moping about the situation. I've also tried to stay busy as well.
Thanks for any insight!
A little background. Me 35, her 29. I met this girl about 2.5 months ago. We just hit it off great. We talked quite often and typically saw each other 2-3 days a week. No fights, no issues, just having fun. We did talk about serious things but nothing too crazy that had an impact (as far as I knoW). In this time, we both had 10 day trips to India on separate occasions. So there wasn't constant contact, but we did still talk everyday. We had both already said that we weren't dating anyone else but never really mentioned whether it was a relationship or not. Is there a difference?
My trip was the second one and when I came home we decided to define the relationship as they say. I had also mentioned in passing that my sister was asking all sorts of questions about us, whether we were "together", whether she was coming to christmas, etc. So when I mentioned the Christmas thing she freaked out and said she wasn't ready to meet the parents or anything. The next night she brought it up, and wanted to know what I thought. I said well you can come to dinner if you want. She said that she couldn't because her family from india was in town. So I said fine no big deal. She said that she would be happy to meet them another time though. Well, it turns out that in their culture, meeting the parents means you are serious enough about the person to get married. So it doesn't happen often. I didn't find this out till later, but things still progressed as they had before. Her behavior was normal. I never asked her about it again.
Fast forward 2 weeks, things were still normal...we were at my holiday company dinner and we were just talking with others there. So I told my co-workers (also friends) about how in their culture they view meeting the parents as meaning that you are getting married in comparison to the traditional american way as it not being a big deal. When I said this I laughed because I thought it was funny how we both didn't know what the other meant. Well, this seemed to kick start "thinking" mode in her. Two days later she started distancing herself. She would still contact me, but I could sense that something had changed. I did see her on sunday and she was nervous talking the whole time. We did not have time to be intimate, unfortunately. I discussed exchanging gifts for christmas and she kind of seemed shocked. I was like, well you are my gf right and I said I thought you wanted something serious. Yes, I realize now that was a big mistake. I just thought it was normal to expect that after 2 months and spending a considerable amount of time together and talking. Following that, the distancing went on for about 6 days, her contacting me more than me contacting her still.
But then Thursday she wanted to end it. She said she feels overly anxious when shes with me and when thinking about things. So I say ok and go to get up, thinking what is there to talk about? (We met for a drink) She didn't want me to leave and wanted to talk. So, she tells me that she's been so anxious she's making herself sick. Heart racing, stomach pains, etc. This was happening during the week, before our thursday meeting. I of course asked her why she was feeling this way and she said she doesn't know. She's been nervous at times with me but nothing to this extent. I tell her I really can't do anything to fix her anxiety. I don't know why she doesn't feel comfortable. She said it may have been too much too soon. She tells me I'm awesome, the sex is awesome, has a great time with me and is afraid that shes walking away from something great. She asks me if she calls me in 3 months would I still answer the phone. I of course said I don't know....that's a long time away. I asked her if she wanted me to fight for her and she perked up like YES of course. So I told her she has to follow and trust me. I repeated that quite a bit to get the point across. In the end, I asked her what she wanted to do. She said she wanted to take a week or two and when I walked her to her car we made out pretty passionately for 5 mins. So, I'm just confused by the mixed signals. In a week and a half we go from things being great and planning new years to breaking up?!?
She's had bad breakups in the past and thought she was getting married twice (yes, they had met the parents). The most recent one ended about a year ago. Could this be the cause of her fear and anxiety? The whole getting into something serious with someone and having your feelings grow into something and being scared shitless? The other big factor is all of the Indian family issues with dating, marriage, etc. especially since she had family coming to town. She also mentioned the holidays as being rough for her with all this and the family...etc.
I know the whole, if you want someone you want them, and you don't run from it philosophy...which makes sense to me. I generally feel the same way. Does anxiety change that idea or am I just looking for reasons to keep hope alive?
So, Friday morning I sent an email to her, telling her not to respond, but I just wanted to clear up some of the misunderstandings (dinner conversation, meeting the parents). I didn't beg for her to come back or anything dumb like that, but told her to break down her wall and take a risk. Since then I have not been in contact with her.
You may ask, why do I even care? Well, I think that we just get along really great, have great compatibility and think things could actually work out if she gets past this.
Other than not calling or contacting her (giving space), if and when she contacts me, what are my next moves? I'm definitely confused, but I still want her. I did fall for her, big mistake so soon, but while I'm upset, I'm not completely delusional about things or wallowing in self pity. I realize I don't know the ins and outs of her and that it was a short time in getting to know one another. Is this all a test to see if I really want her or was I too available, not enough challenge and she just thought it was too good and easy?
For my own sake I've also put my online profile back up and I am getting some things going instead of just sitting here moping about the situation. I've also tried to stay busy as well.
Thanks for any insight!