GF super mad, cuz I asked if she was gonna start working out again

Dylweed

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jan 6, 2013
Messages
170
I've been dating my girlfriend just over a year. When we started dating her body was almost perfect. She had recently lost 30lbs and I really admired her dedication and hard work. She was 130lbs and 5'8". I really like slim girls. She was like perfect.

It's super sexy to me when girls work out. I also workout regularly so it makes sense to be with someone who does as well.

But now since then she's probably gained 10 pounds and she hasn't worked out in forever. She eats junk food all the time. Whenever i suggest she eat healthy she disagrees. She's been saying every once in a while that she'll start working out real soon but that's been going on for months with no action.

Of course it bothers me. Part of me is concerned that she'll never get back to how she used to look and even worse that she'll continue to gain more weight. She got fat once before so it is possibly she could do it again.

2 months ago she said she felt uncomfortable just being naked in my bed after we banged and she went to cover herself with a blanket. I told her she never used to feel uncomfortable being naked. That was when she said she was working out everyday. This bothered me the most. Heres my girlfriend being insecure about her body when she used to be so hot and she can easily change and get back to that, it's so easy to change if you put the work in but she seems to not believe it's possible, otherwise shed be doing it. It's such a turn off to see her not caring at all when I'm eating healthy as fuck and working out all the time.

I haven't said anything to her about it this whole time. Just kept it to myself because I didn't know what to say. Well yesterday she brought up her weight on her own and then I asked her if she was gonna start working out again soon. She said yes and then we switched topics. Everything was good. Later she said I was so weird for asking her that and I just said that it was weird to me that I was working my hardest at looking my best and that she wasn't at all and that in relationships people should try to look their best for each other and that it's kind of like a gift you can give to each other.

She just got super mad. Like we've had arguments before so I've seen her mad but that's usually when I'm mad too. I wasn't mad at all but she just had the craziest look. I had to go eat tho and just forgot about it. When I saw her again 30 minutes later she was still super mad. Even today she's still super mad and it's been 18 hours since I said that.

She won't even talk to me. Won't make plans for tomorrow with me. Won't kiss me on the lips, she turns her head. And it's so weird, I'm not even mad at her but she won't forget it. So though I'm not going to give in and apologize. Ive told her I didn't even do anything wrong. Kind of makes me a little upset she's trying to make me feel guilty even though she's just insecure and is trying to pin it on me.

She says I can't say that and it has her second guessing herself every time she eats now and that it makes her feel like she's not good enough for me and makes her feel bad about herself.

What would you guys have done differently if anything?
I've never seen her this mad and I'm not going to apologize because I didn't do anything wrong.
 

Big B

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Dec 19, 2017
Messages
12
Dude I'm not sure how emotionally into this chick you are but if the weight thing is a deal breaker it's a deal breaker. Dump her ass. If it's not a huge deal then stop mentioning it for now. She's obviously insecure about it (which most women are anyways) so you bringing up working out is making her worry she's no longer attractive enough for you.

Frankly people that don't enjoy leading an active life style are often going to have this problem where they work out and diet to get "hot" then once they get a significant other they quit and the weight comes back.

This girl has a lot of shit she doesn't have straight in her own life and to be real with you, man, you are probably not going to be able to change some let alone most of her habits.
 

Regal Tiger

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Mar 16, 2015
Messages
1,018
You didn't do anything wrong at all, it's her problem.

Since she's refusing to communicate with you that's unhealthy behavior and my suggestion is to soft next her and just ignore her for a few days (if you don't live together, couldn't tell from your post).

If she doesn't want to kiss you on the lips or make plans with you then make plans by yourself. Don't give her any attention for being an asshole, you're only rewarding terrible behavior.
 

Dylweed

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jan 6, 2013
Messages
170
Honestly I've been shamed by all her and all these people since this has happened. She told our roommate, her best friend. Then later she started crying and went up to our roommate crying "im a size 2!" Then our roommate was all upset at me but didnt say anything. Also my female friend who has also gained weight, my gf told her and her gay male friend. They've all freaked out and took her side and act like I'm just insane. And it sucks explaining myself to these people who judge the shit out of me. Like their reactions to the shit I say almost makes me fall into their frame. It's hard when your singled out and you know the more you say will just make you look like a bigger asshole in their mind. I never sided with them but still they sort of made me feel like I must be insane. This gay dude told me that's not how relationships work and that you need to have faith in people. In my mind that's retarded.

Also I only got one good friend out here in my new city and he told me to buy her flowers and apologize. Ridiculous. Not gonna do that. Also he's been cheated on in his only relationship he ever had. The only person I talked to who sided with me was my brother.

I did eventually apologize for her getting hurt but told her I didn't mean to and told her she's too sensitive haha hope I didn't let these other people brainwash me too much into thinking I'm an asshole.
 

Parkour

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Sep 10, 2014
Messages
115
You’re not a monster, but you didn’t handle it perfectly either. Dusting off a little emotional intelligence, you know It’s hard for her to be with someone who feels you’re not good enough. Self-esteem hits lead to defensiveness and autorejection.
Also the victim/perpetrator dynamic on the drama triangle (look it up) is getting played out. She got ego defense and you’ve potentially bottled up some resentment so you’re coming across like you’re attacking.
The solution is to move from attacking to challenging and for her to move from victim to self-responsible.
She feels like she’s on eggshells and you might dump her imminently because, well, you might. She’s rejecting the hard pass or fail criteria on an area she might feel is too unreasonable, too hard to maintain. She may also feel it’s too superficial to become this big of an issue which is like an indirect hit to her other values. You’ll need to maintain the frame, mindset, boundary that one of the things you need in a relationship is to feel visceral attraction (she’ll empathize with your feelings). And that for you and quite frankly most men, Eros/physical attraction is correlated to certain amounts of excess weight the woman is carrying. and that is okay.... It affects attraction in multiple ways that are not all simply superficial. One, getting fit demonstrates drive, competence, and an ability/desire to keep up with eachother toward building an amazing life. Plus it feels hot, which becomes self reinforcing positive. Two, continuing to hold onto or gain excess fat negatively affects her own confidence (why she lost it in the first place and why she was so confident when you met) which basically affects everything else about her demeanor and your dynamic together. It’s self defeating to lose traction on anything.

This firmness of a boundary might need qualification. I.e. you’re not fat shaming to be cruel, it would be different during months if she were pregnant with your kid... whatever edge case catastrophication that paints this as something other than a reasonable attraction gap is not true. But may also need to express to her that the social ostracism from her support network isn’t okay either, you need to be able to express these things, set boundaries and expectations with eachother, and not have it turn to drama.

Stress eating/bad habits/motivation and momentum lapses cause most people to put on weight, especially around the holidays. Turning that around is up to her and she might be either beating herself up or avoiding it internally right now.
If you can’t turn this to a dynamic where she sees it as a challenge she can handle and she’ll be better for it (not a threat to eliminate) then you can’t get anywhere and Nexting is really your only healthy option. If she’s single she’ll probably lose the weight anyway but when she gets comfortable around the holidays she’d likely end up in the same situation or worse with someone else. Your job isn’t to fix them so I wouldn’t persist if you can’t get resonance. You’re job is to make sure you aren’t broken so you are still attractive and valuable to them. If she is able to grasp these points she’ll do what she needs to do to fix this with you.
 

ProblemSolving

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Jan 15, 2013
Messages
467
Hey Dylweed,

The good news is you just realized the importance of finding a girl that shares your passion for fitness. Therefore, the next time you go hunting for a girl, at the top of your list will read: "MUST BE A GYM RAT".

You're not gonna like the answer, but I've been in your shoes before. I hated going to the gym and seeing guys working out with their girlfriends, both of them working to make themselves sexier and fitter, while my girl was "too busy working" to hit the gym. It got to a point where I had to pull the plug. At that point, I knew that only girls that loved to work out would make it to relationship contention.

The fact of the matter is, you need to find the girl that is your dream girl from the start. Trying to change her is just going to cause her to resent you and you to resent her. Right now, your passion is being used as a bone of contention in your current relationship. But when a girl shares your passion it becomes something that brings you closer together, instead of pushing you further apart.

As for her social circle lynching you, that's to be expected. The majority of people SAY they believe in unconditional love, but they don't actually live it. Could you imagine a husband saying to his wife, "I quit my job today honey. I'm having WAY too much fun playing COD, so I'm just going to do that all day while you pay the bills"? Common consensus would be to "Divorce his lazy ass!"

But a guy dumping his wife or girlfriend for letting herself go, is "not how relationships work".
 

Cacc

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Feb 4, 2017
Messages
353
Since a lot of good advice has already been giving i'd like to delve in something else.

When did she stop trying to look her best for you? Because that tends to happen when girls feel that there isn't a chance you'll leave her. Either that oe you just didnt let her know soon enough, " Baby, you gotta start working out again."

A girl not working as hard to look as best for you as possible is a girl that has lost respect for you and feels like you won't/can't leave her.
 

Koneal43

Rookie
Rookie
Joined
Jan 30, 2018
Messages
9
And do you know why see stop working out and is starting to lack on the keeping herself up part??
 
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