Relationship Management: Should Have I Walked Away?

nolimits

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Dec 12, 2016
Messages
111
Hi Guys,

I hope you're all rocking your dating lives.

Just wanted to share with you this scene I've had with my girlfriend .
Quick Premise.This girl really is into me: she constantly introduces me to new business leads, cooks for me, makes coffee each morning for me and often buys me dinners.
That said, being 10 years older than me, I have the feeling that the girl sometimes seems to think that I need her so much I'm not able to walk away.
I'm not sure she actually believes that. I'm genuinely able to walk away and always feel excited at the prospect of leaving a potential relationship due to the thrill of getting back in the game. That said, I have this kind of feeling that she can help me with my job - like, a lot - and for this, I might feel some hint of neediness. (

Therefore, opinions will be highly welcomed.

The Scene:

Anyway, the other night, at the christmas party of one of the brands she designs for ( she's a freelance stylist), the following scene happened.

I was talking to the owner and ceo of the group, taking advantage of the fact that everyone else seemed to be more focused on the free sushi than they were on creating potential leads and contacts, managing to charm the hell out of him by talking about intriguing stuff such as Napoleon and other topics most people wouldn't discuss with a CEO.

After 7 minutes of solid conversation, I felt the time was came to propose him a work collaboration, me being the guy who would handle a part of his most important brand. ( I'm not sure he would have said yes right away, but i felt I had high chances and, even if he said no, at least I would have gained his respect and installed a friendship with a well connected - and frankly, quite fun and inspiring - guy.)

What my girlfriend does when I'm talkng is she comes there, and without even looking at me she interrupts me and begins talking to the guy.

I wait 2-3 minutes, keep looking at her like ' why are you even doing this' and, seeing there is no way she would ever stop talking, charmingly leave.

Now, I knew it was important for her to talk to him since these kind of parties are the best chances to approach bosses and ceo in an informal way and manage to persuade, but still - how about me?

When, after 20 minutes they finished talking, I was raging ( though she was the only one I let it notice to)

When she asks me ' why are you doing this?'
I say ' you interrupted me while I was about to persuade an incredibly busy and connected guy to work with me'

here's where the moral party begins...

she ( with a moral tone): you know, I've been working here for 8 months, and you have been here one night. I had to talk to him.

me: are you kidding me or what? you interrupted me ,while I was making an important connection,without even looking at me, and you want to be right?

she: you are mean ( and leaves )

From there, I did not know what to do.

I waited some minutes ( didn't leave because we were leaving together and had a ticket for hong kong the day after) and after a while we leave.

While going home, here's the conversation:

she: you are mean dude, I've been waiting for months for this moment because there's never a way to talk to him and you companin if I interrupt you?
me: look, you know what, that's great. I think you're right actually. why did I even come to the party? sure, I came here to look at you networking and just stay on the side talking with drunk people whom are frankly not that interesting in regards to business contacts.
she: ( tries to walk away)
me: what are you doing? do you really think you're right?
she: you're here because I invited you and you cmplain if I interrupt you to approach a guy I'm trying to talk with since months.

- note that, even if her words were true, attempting to moral shame me isn't the way to prove your point in my book.

me: ok, look. you're right. I think I shouldn't come to HK ( she paid the tickets)
her: silence...
me: so?
her: you said you shouldn't come so...
me: ok. look, I hope you're sure. I don't want you to call me tomorrow in tears, telling me you're sorry we should go to HK and you'll never do this anymore, so be sure
she: keeps on walking with me, not saying anything.
me: silence ( I am willing to walk away, but frankly, was tired as hell and was not sure leaving was the best strategy - though it might have been)


Scene goes on, untill we go home together.
she: (begins to cry)
Me: ( calmly) look, I'm not sure what you want. All I know is that I think you're cool and sexy, but that if the guy you want is a submissive one who lets himself be interrupted, I think you should go look for him. I'm sure there are men out there who have a great job and are willing to please you. You're beautiful and able to find them. Me, I'm not that kind of guy.
she:( crying) I don't want you to replace me as an old sock. You really are not willing to work on anything ( this sounds aggressive written, but it didn't seem that much of a big deal after everything she has said before)
me: look, you would do exactly the same. This is not disneyworld. We're not babies. The way you act before was full proof that you, like everyone else, think of yourself first. So stop acting like that ain't true and realize that if I became fat and lazy, or simply, annoying and disrespectful, you would leave.
she: yes, but this is different. you're not really willing to understand me and put yourself in my shoes. That conversation was important for me, and next thing I know, is you throw me an utlimatum ' ok , fantastic, you interrupted me so I'm not going to HK'.
me: ( saying the truth). Look, it's not an ultimatum. it's what I think. I'm not willing to spend time with you as long as you're acting like a bitch.
she:begins to cry
me: why are you crying? as I told you, you would do the same if the opposite was the case.
(then, deciding I was not willing to say no to hong kong 2 weeks vacation for a stupid drama- at least for now)
me: look, you have to stop acting annoying and trying to verbally manipulate instead of communicating clearly. You are beautiful and If I break up with you now, I won't find another girl like you tonight, much likely. However, I'm able to find her, in 3 weeks, or maybe more, a couple months. It takes me work, but I am able to find her.
So understand that I'm with you because I want to, but if you can't change, we'll have to split.
she: ( crying) do you care about me?
me: ( thinking, 'what the fuck is this girl up to?!')

We then go to sleep without sex and this morning she says

her: sorry for being annoying last night. I think I hit a burnout, or most. I was destroyed. Do you care about me?
me: yes sure..

Note that, we've been dating for 3 months and, after 3 incredibly fun months, she put up the classic drama. I'm discovering more and more that in the first 3 months, relationship can't be called such.

I don't know how a guy who doesn't have unbelievable persuasion and pick up skills can afford to handle a dynamic woman without being submissive. I'm, personally, slightly struggling.

She helped me with my job and introduced me to business leads so I feel a little bit of scarcity now, more linked to business than to girls.

This girl is a dynamic, ambitious one but, said between me and you guys, the other night I was 'hanging out' with a girl who was of the same quality, had great business connections and was tons of fun too. So, I can walk away and replace the girl quite soon.

That said, I enjoy the girl, and want to work on relationship management while developing freelance experience - which is something I partly started to do because she inspired me.

The question, for anyone who feels like he can help, is

Did I handle the situation well?
If not, what should have I done differently?
Should have I walked away?


Another option on how I could have handled it:
ME: calmly took her apart after she finished talking to the ceo and tell her: 'look. I know talking to that guy was important for you. But i feel the way you did that ( by interrupting me, without making an eye squeeze or throwing me a signal, or CLEARLY explaining to me, BEFORE THE EVENT, that your goal was to talk to the ceo at ANY cost) was hugely disrespectful toward me.

to which she would have probably responded: ' sorry. It was really important for me to talk to him but I realize I hurt you. I'll try to be more clear to you next time.'
And then, if she does that again, on another time, you just tell her ' look. We're just not compatible. You're being disrespectful here even though I pay tons of respect to you. I told you to stop this kind of behavior, you didn't. I'm leaving this relationship.'
And then, as hard as it is, you leave. Ready to split with the girl. Probably, after a few days, she reengages, but if she doesn't, you're fine, and just replace her.

How would you have handled this?

I'm sure there is a middle way between spliting up with a girl right way the moment she disrespects you and letting her just walk over ya each time she does so.


I feel like respect is my sticking point, and probably most guys' one, in relationships soooo

Curious to know your opinions,

NoLimits.
 

Sandman

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Apr 18, 2016
Messages
359
I think she is in the right with this one mate, try to emphasise with her. What she did first disrespectfull yes but I think you blew it out of proportion. It's good that you win the fight yes but there was no need to have a fight. I think trying to help her persuade the guy would be the best option (she would also feel like reciprocating), a little bit of time a little bit of charm, you both would have got what you wanted. Even if you could not, isn't it the better strategy to have her this one considering all the other connections she brings to the table? I'm not saying you should become submissive or let her disrespect you. But some allowances should be made if its unintentional which I believe is the case here. Be outcome independent with business opportunities as you are with girls. The way you acted was because of neediness (over this opportunity)

Acting butthurt in this case doesn't help anyone. If this was a repeated occurrence you could have had this fight for sure. But it doesn't seem like it is. I think you should have talked with her clearly afterwards:

"Look honey, I appreciate you inviting me but you interrupted me when I was trying to make an important connection for my business. This is very important to me. When you interrupt me like that not only you take that opportunity from me but you also disrespect me. I respect you, I don't interrupt people when you talk. But if you disrespect me it looks bad on me, further it looks bad on you because you are with me. I can't be with a girl who disrespects me, I know this was unintentional so I'll forget about it but I'm saying this so there is clear communication. Just be aware of it next time, okay?"


Okay I wrote this before reading the part where you wrote something similar haha. I'm just gonna leave it here. Yeah you should have gone with the alternative option. If she does it again soft next her (don't contact her in ANY WAY 1 to 3 days depending on the level of the situation). If she does it again after than leave her.
 

nolimits

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Dec 12, 2016
Messages
111
Hey brother! Thanks for the exausting and insightful response. Yeah, i m with you there when you say it sounded a bit like i was butthurt.
But glad to know you think the second option works well!
 
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