Mystery and intrigue

Deg

Space Monkey
space monkey
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Hey guys, just wanted your opinion on a couple things. I dated this girl who I cohabitated with almost immediately( she was pretty needy) one year later her sex drive diminished considerably and only got worse and now years later she says is bored and that there is no mystery and intrigue and she can't get turned on easily. I read the Gchase blog for years and have used all their tips and techniques to fix this issue never worked and when I initially dated her I would have mystery and intrigue and try to reveal new things every now and then. Do you think the cohabitation from the beginning is what killed her sexual arousal and to never cohabitate with a girl again in the future? Is there any way to salvage mystery and intrigue or create it and restart the sexual spark and her arousal at this point?
 

Regal Tiger

Cro-Magnon Man
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In my opinion she doesn't find you attractive anymore. To me, sex is always a chance for the girl to show how interested in me she is and how available she is to me. If the sex dries up I move on and assume that she's no longer interested.


Deg said:
Hey guys, just wanted your opinion on a couple things. I dated this girl who I cohabitated with almost immediately( she was pretty needy)

This also shows neediness on your part as well for not really controlling the relationship. I'd be willing to bet that you give into her too easily.

one year later her sex drive diminished considerably and only got worse and now years later she says is bored and that there is no mystery and intrigue and she can't get turned on easily.

Boredom = no emotion. No emotion = not attracted = no sex. Dunno how far along she is but the relationship sounds kinda dead at this point for her. She thinks she has you and that you'll do anything for her. Very bad for attraction. The mystery and intrigue stuff is just rationalization. Ignore it.

I read the Gchase blog for years and have used all their tips and techniques to fix this issue never worked and when I initially dated her I would have mystery and intrigue and try to reveal new things every now and then. Do you think the cohabitation from the beginning is what killed her sexual arousal and to never cohabitate with a girl again in the future?

Moving into the relationship and moving in together so quickly as well as a lot of other things are what killed the relationship.

Is there any way to salvage mystery and intrigue or create it and restart the sexual spark and her arousal at this point?

Depending on how far gone she is it's possible to bring her back. But right now you're what's known as the 'one-down'. There's a good article about this stuff here: https://www.girlschase.com/content/relat ... domination

The Passion Trap book where Ricardus got the information from is also a great book in my opinion. Worth a read.
 

Deg

Space Monkey
space monkey
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What just frustrates me is that Although I am aware of all the seduction material and have read the articles thoroughly. I still didn't notice that I reached this point. Why is it so hard to realize your mistakes in relationships like this?
 

Deg

Space Monkey
space monkey
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I just done understand. I tried my best since the beginning to avoid the relationship getting boring or stale but it ended up happening anyway. How do you know if you are controlling the relationship and the dynamic ? How does that feel?
 

lostnumber

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Deg said:
What just frustrates me is that Although I am aware of all the seduction material and have read the articles thoroughly. I still didn't notice that I reached this point. Why is it so hard to realize your mistakes in relationships like this?

Relationships have a way of blinding people. Ever been in a toxic or otherwise unsatisfactory relationship and not realized how bad it was until you got out? I think we've all either been that guy or know someone else who has.

In my opinion this phenomenon is largely a combination of two things:
1) Human beings are incredibly adaptable. We have a tendency to take our circumstances and normalize them as a coping mechanism. Boss makes you work 60 hours a week, but that's just what you have to do to make it in the corporate world. Sex goes away in a relationship but thats natural once the two of you have been together for a long time. Health deteriorates and you can't do all of the things you could do before, but you are getting older after all. Humans are very good at coping. This is especially true if, as in your case, the change is gradual. If sex goes from 4 times a week to 3 that is easy enough to accept. And from 3 to 2, and 2 to 1, and so on.

2) Most people lack inertia, and barring some major external event are unlikely to change their baseline behavior. If you have an ok relationship and things seem to be going OK most people will find it easier to sit tight then to change course. I mean, look at yourself here; it's only now that you've had an "oh shit" moment that you are motivated to make a change. I'm not calling you out for that, just using it as an example to show a behavior pattern that 99% of humanity engages in.

The only solutions I see are to remain cognizant, and to take action BEFORE you find yourself deep in a hole. If you'd started working on this 1-2 years ago when the attraction started fading I think there are a lot of things you could have done. Now? I'm not saying it's IMPOSSIBLE, but without some shared life commitment like children I think you will find that the costs and difficulty of trying to hold the relationship together far outweigh starting from scratch with a new girl.

That's my two cents anyways
 

mindful

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Deg said:
I just done understand. I tried my best since the beginning to avoid the relationship getting boring or stale but it ended up happening anyway. How do you know if you are controlling the relationship and the dynamic ? How does that feel?


Did you feel like you were the one that cared less in the relationship? There is always a power dynamic in every relationship. Whoever is afraid to lose the other more is the one that has less power. Because you lived together right off the bat, this was probably hard to control.

Either way, I agree what the above posters have said. I would chalk this up as a learning experience and move on. Yes, your girl has lost that attraction for you. It’s going to be hard to change how she views you at this point and all that energy would be best served finding another girl.

My suggestion is to read the articles on relationships on this site. Also, this is why it’s best to see a girl casually the first few months (1-2x a week) so that the relationship progresses slowly and you will have more time earlier on to establish boundaries and have her chase, etc.

edit: you should put off living with a girl as long as possible. I know you might think it makes sense financially and all that but unless you are married or close to it... really is no reason to.
 

Regal Tiger

Cro-Magnon Man
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Deg said:
What just frustrates me is that Although I am aware of all the seduction material and have read the articles thoroughly. I still didn't notice that I reached this point. Why is it so hard to realize your mistakes in relationships like this?

I just done understand. I tried my best since the beginning to avoid the relationship getting boring or stale but it ended up happening anyway. How do you know if you are controlling the relationship and the dynamic ? How does that feel?


Basically everything that lostnumber said.

But I'd like to add that you shouldn't beat yourself up over it too much. I had a massive beta breakdown earlier this year when I went to jail and lost my sister. Mindset went to shit and I lost the girl I'd been seeing that was dynamite in the sack. Then when I got out I got really lucky with a girl (honestly it probably just shouldn't have happened but somehow it did) and then proceeded to go on a 5 month dry spell that I'd had a few chances to end pretty easily looking back.

Shit happens when your emotions are engaged. And then we do dumb shit that loses us women. It's a painful lesson to learn but it's time to cut contact with this girl because things aren't making you happy.

Just tell her that you aren't happy anymore and that you think you should go your separate ways. If you're the one that breaks up with her then there is a chance that she'll respect you for doing something that she isn't yet ready to do. Kinda fucked up but does give you a little bit more power by walking away first. Humans are dumb like that :p

Ya never know, she might change if you walk away. But know that the few times that I've seen this scenario happen of her promising to change she usually does... for like 2 months and then things are back to being shit. Seen it with friends, coworkers and my uncle a few times. Even been there myself once. Always played out the same.
 

Deg

Space Monkey
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I get that you have to be cognizant in the relationship, but I was always analyzing every situation with her in terms of power dynamics. I slipped up occasionally but not that often I felt.

I also feel like I did care less because I would constantly remind myself that this isnt forever and that I can go get other girls. I also thought I had the frame as well but I guess it slowly got eroded under me.

Its just hard to know what doing it right feels like for sure. I feel like I will be even more hyper paranoid from now on in new relationships.
 

Regal Tiger

Cro-Magnon Man
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Deg said:
I get that you have to be cognizant in the relationship, but I was always analyzing every situation with her in terms of power dynamics. I slipped up occasionally but not that often I felt.

I also feel like I did care less because I would constantly remind myself that this isnt forever and that I can go get other girls. I also thought I had the frame as well but I guess it slowly got eroded under me.

Its just hard to know what doing it right feels like for sure. I feel like I will be even more hyper paranoid from now on in new relationships.


No need to become hyper paranoid about it. It's one of those things that just gets stronger as time goes on and you keep working on it. More mistakes are going to get made and all ya gotta do is analyze what went wrong and where and just be mindful of it. Find common areas of personal weakness and work on it.

I know how ya feel with the frame stuff though. A girl I started seeing was all over me in 2015 when I kept telling myself that nothing lasts forever. I remember one point that I was consistently starting to get annoyed that she was texting me so much. Reminded myself that, that's ultimately the place I wanted to be in. Then started getting over emotional and made like a buhzillion mistakes all in a row and a month and a half later she didn't want to have sex with me anymore. The relationship was completely dead for her already.

Sucks, but kinda have to go through it in order to learn.


Now I'm stronger than ever and will probably slip up in the future and then come back after that even stronger than now! I'm a nerd so it helps to think of it like a video game lol. Plus 4 into relationship management skills. Level up achieved, new skill unlocked! :D
 

Ragnarok

Space Monkey
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I was reflecting on this whole thing , and I realized also I made the mistake of acquiescing into a relationship in order to have sex. So the original frame of the relationship was for me to date her in order to get sex. She must have realized that and given me obligation sex early in the relationship and then the honeymoon phase took over and then after the honeymoon phase the obligation frame we set early on + cohabiting may have led to her arousal being completely dead which is why this relationship has been so weird and confusing with her sex drive maybe she was normal, but the obligation frame+ cohabiting plus maybe her own baggage and possible sexual assault all contributed to this problem?
 

Ragnarok

Space Monkey
space monkey
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this was reposted from one of your earlier posts Deg. So maybe this is your problem?
 
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