Broke it off w gf - unsure if right

Ryan0802

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Sep 12, 2017
Messages
47
I broke it off with gf 2 days ago. She lives 2.5hr away (but in the same town where my closest friends are located, which was nice).

Why I broke it off:
1) She'd occasionally drink and when she did she'd be inconsiderate the times she would drink in excess (she wasn't really a club person though)
2) She just graduated and is waiting to hear back from graduate schools (applied to school in my town among many others)
3) She was a very on the go person (extrovert), whereas I need time to recharge (extrovert)
4) I'm studying for the CPA exam - 1/2 way through it all (I study all wk then spend weekends with her)
5) She lives paycheck to paycheck - but hinted towards things like 'taking a vacation together'
6) She said she'd 'settle' with 3 kids (wants 4), whereas (I told her this) I want 0 to maybe 1 someday
7) We weren't getting very much one on one time together
8) I feel like I could find someone hotter (but I always feel this way sooner or later in relationships)
9) I found myself second guessing things particularly in the mornings for some reason
10) It was simply a whole lot of work ...

Why I was with her:
1) Emotional support
2) I was extremely attracted to her (not that I'm not attracted now)
3) She got me to be more social & spontaneous
4) I genuinely enjoyed seeing her/spending time with her
5) Similar turn on's in the bedroom
6) Could see things lasting if I let them

I broke it off with her saying: "I can't suppress the urge to want to see more women. Nor do I want to."
We're both hurting, and I'm unsure if I ended it too soon. Maybe I should have given it more time? Should I ask her back?
-I know I can get her back if I act now
-I would do so in a dominant manner (not begging), but stating my preferences
 

Drck

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Feb 14, 2013
Messages
1,488
You list 10 negatives, and 6 positives. Are you rationalizing your decision, or is that how you feel (i.e. more negative about the relationship)?



Why I broke it off:
1) She'd occasionally drink and when she did she'd be inconsiderate the times she would drink in excess (she wasn't really a club person though)
>>>> Drinking is no good as you know. I'm not going to moralize, but can she stop? Does she have any other problems, drugs, anxiety, depression,...??

2) She just graduated and is waiting to hear back from graduate schools (applied to school in my town among many others)
>>>> Ok, good, IMO that is a positive thing. But why is it under negatives?

3) She was a very on the go person (extrovert), whereas I need time to recharge (extrovert)
>>>> IMO you are who you are, why change it. If you are fine with who she is and she is fine with who you are, no big deal...

4) I'm studying for the CPA exam - 1/2 way through it all (I study all wk then spend weekends with her)
>>>> So are ambitious (seems like), CPA, money and investment are important to you. You are thinking long term. Does she have similar interests?

5) She lives paycheck to paycheck - but hinted towards things like 'taking a vacation together'
>>>> Hm, doesn't seem that she has similar interest like you, living paycheck to paycheck is not good for long term investment...


6) She said she'd 'settle' with 3 kids (wants 4), whereas (I told her this) I want 0 to maybe 1 someday
>>>> I say go with what you want, if she can't accept it and/or you can't compromise it won't work. She probably knows better what she wants in this area (kids) as she is woman. You may change your mind in the future...

7) We weren't getting very much one on one time together
>>>> If you remain together, will this stay the same or improve?


8) I feel like I could find someone hotter (but I always feel this way sooner or later in relationships)
>>>> Hm, that is no good... You are already hesitating about being with her, you will be on constant look out for better girl, and once you find her - you will dump this one...

9) I found myself second guessing things particularly in the mornings for some reason
>>>> The same like 8, no good...

10) It was simply a whole lot of work ...
>>>> Are you saying that you invested too much time and effort into this girl? If so, how much has she invested in you? If nothing, well, you have not much to lose. If a lot, you may be losing good relationship...



Why I was with her:
1) Emotional support
>>>> Do you mean neediness? Do you need that girl to feel comfortable, good about yourself, happy? No good

2) I was extremely attracted to her (not that I'm not attracted now)
>>>> That happens, the attraction is gone after some while, and now only 2 people with similar interests stay together. Or not...

3) She got me to be more social & spontaneous
>>>> That's good

4) I genuinely enjoyed seeing her/spending time with her
>>>> How about now...

5) Similar turn on's in the bedroom
>>>> Make you wonder, if sex is over-rated...?

6) Could see things lasting if I let them
>>>> Nobody can make that decision for you...

If you don't take her back, she'll hurt
If you take her back now and then dump later again, she'll hurt even more

-----------------

IMO go with your guts... Maybe take her out for dinner and talk about it, write down points that you consider important, talk about it, see what she says...
 

Ryan0802

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Sep 12, 2017
Messages
47
Drck - can't thank you enough for the help man!

I do have one question though.. is there a way to make this a 'casual' or in between 'casual and dating' relationship at least for the next 6m while I get through my exam and she hears from grad school? What's the best approach for that? Or is there no backtracking once you've been in a monogamous relationship?
---I really do not want to hurt her again. Genuinely do care about this girl.

Nice to have an outside opinion without any emotional attachment in this.
I'm going to plan dinner with her and will relay most of this to her. I know I'll be fine if it doesn't work out or if it does (abundance), which has helped me be more logical in this decision.

Feel free to let me know if you think of anything else that may help. Thanks!



You list 10 negatives, and 6 positives. Are you rationalizing your decision, or is that how you feel (i.e. more negative about the relationship)?
-It is how I feel, but some of the points have a bigger impact than the others

Why I broke it off:
1) She'd occasionally drink and when she did she'd be inconsiderate the times she would drink in excess (she wasn't really a club person though)
>>>> Drinking is no good as you know. I'm not going to moralize, but can she stop? Does she have any other problems, drugs, anxiety, depression,...??
---I'm going to have a talk with her about this. Drugs aren't really a problem, some depression/anxiety though (but oddly not in a way that I've seen other depressed/anxious people act - she actually seems fairly normal in that regard. I think it's due to some childhood trauma with a death.)

2) She just graduated and is waiting to hear back from graduate schools (applied to school in my town among many others)
>>>> Ok, good, IMO that is a positive thing. But why is it under negatives?
---It is a great thing, but leaves uncertainty in the air. If we are doing a LDR for the next year and she goes elsewhere (but life is full of big investments/risks)



3) She was a very on the go person (extrovert), whereas I need time to recharge (extrovert)
>>>> IMO you are who you are, why change it. If you are fine with who she is and she is fine with who you are, no big deal...
----That I am. I have always been with more extroverted women

4) I'm studying for the CPA exam - 1/2 way through it all (I study all wk then spend weekends with her)
>>>> So are ambitious (seems like), CPA, money and investment are important to you. You are thinking long term. Does she have similar interests?
-----Yes. I have some uncertainty as to what I want after the exam (still finding my path), but I also invest in real estate (very important to me) & am frugal so I can buy a new property every 1.5yr ----- This may be one of my biggest concerns & with her living paycheck to paycheck it makes me cringe a little

5) She lives paycheck to paycheck - but hinted towards things like 'taking a vacation together'
>>>> Hm, doesn't seem that she has similar interest like you, living paycheck to paycheck is not good for long term investment...


6) She said she'd 'settle' with 3 kids (wants 4), whereas (I told her this) I want 0 to maybe 1 someday
>>>> I say go with what you want, if she can't accept it and/or you can't compromise it won't work. She probably knows better what she wants in this area (kids) as she is woman. You may change your mind in the future...
-----I will have a talk with her about this. I don't want to change my mind on this particularly.

7) We weren't getting very much one on one time together
>>>> If you remain together, will this stay the same or improve?
-----Will state this to her

8) I feel like I could find someone hotter (but I always feel this way sooner or later in relationships)
>>>> Hm, that is no good... You are already hesitating about being with her, you will be on constant look out for better girl, and once you find her - you will dump this one...

9) I found myself second guessing things particularly in the mornings for some reason
>>>> The same like 8, no good...

10) It was simply a whole lot of work ...
>>>> Are you saying that you invested too much time and effort into this girl? If so, how much has she invested in you? If nothing, well, you have not much to lose. If a lot, you may be losing good relationship...
-----She has matched me in my investing for the most part.


Why I was with her:
1) Emotional support
>>>> Do you mean neediness? Do you need that girl to feel comfortable, good about yourself, happy? No good
----Not neediness. Just the satisfaction & comfort of having her around/talking to her. I actually more listened to her than I did talk myself, it was the right social balance during the wk (but then again she doesn't live near me so weekdays we'd just talk on the phone an hour a day then do our own thing)

2) I was extremely attracted to her (not that I'm not attracted now)
>>>> That happens, the attraction is gone after some while, and now only 2 people with similar interests stay together. Or not...
----I'm going to relay the similar interest thing to her.

3) She got me to be more social & spontaneous
>>>> That's good

4) I genuinely enjoyed seeing her/spending time with her
>>>> How about now...

5) Similar turn on's in the bedroom
>>>> Make you wonder, if sex is over-rated...?

6) Could see things lasting if I let them
>>>> Nobody can make that decision for you...
 
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