Love language mismatch

determined

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Mar 14, 2013
Messages
172
Hi guys,

Interested to hear if you guys think this is recoverable or if my relationship is beyond repair.

For those unfamiliar, love languages refers to the following book: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-S ... 080241270X. The basic premise is that different people express love in different ways (the book identifies 5 languages). And if 2 partners don't realize that they speak different love languages, it is a recipe for disaster because each will not recognize that the other is showing them love. Over time it leads to resentment as both partners feel their needs aren't being met.

I'm only describing this brief summary as context for my story, but I would definitely recommend reading that book. If only so you know the value of screening for a girl who speaks your love language, which I did NOT know to do.

Anyways, I've been with this girl for almost 3 years. The relationship started out great and gradually declined. Even though we still do love each other very much and do have a very good relationship by most people's standards, it is not what I want. We have some incompatibilities that caused us trouble over time, mainly because I was too inexperienced to realize what was going on (or even to realize that we had any issues until they started to blow up!).

Now that I do understand, I believe that all the issues are fixable except for 1 which I'm not sure about: our complete mismatch of love languages. I express love through physical intimacy and she expresses love through shared experiences and meaningful gestures (ie notes, gifts, etc). What that means is that I want to feel passion and lust all the time, I want sex almost every day, and even when we're not having sex I am still physical and sexual. And super important, I want her to feel the same way. Even though I know she loves me in her way (she does sweet things for me all the time), when I don't feel like my need for physical intimacy is reciprocated it drives me nuts because I just feel unwanted and needy. And on her end, sex is important, but not like it is to me. And she is actually much more physical and sexual with me than with past boyfriends, but I really had to bring that out of her because it was never in her nature. She needs me to show I care in different ways.

So how did we get to his point of frustration? I think the main reason is that we did not realize this was an issue so we jumped in fast, became serious, and intertwined our lives. By the time the issues started coming up it we were so close that we couldn't even take space.

Our history: Early on the relationship was exactly what I wanted, or so I thought. Only later did I discover that she actually did not want to have sex as often as we did. She only did it to please me and because she thought it was a temporary honeymoon-phase thing and that I would slow down with time. If I had realized back then that she felt this way I would have had a chance to set us on track, but I did not. In my mind things were great. I didn't even know that multiple love languages existed - I assumed everyone felt the same way I did. And she must have assumed as well or she would have realized that I would not slow down with time...

About 6-12 months in, though, signs started to pop up. She was getting tired of the constant pressure to have sex and she would sometimes turn me down. And I responded in the worst possible way. Of course I TRIED to be non-needy and act like I didn't care, but I did not hide it well. And that created more pressure. So we got into this spiral of more pressure on her -> more walls on her end -> more frustration on my end -> more pressure on her. So now I was needy and she knew it - add that attraction-killer to the spiral. Still I did not realize the underlying issue. All I knew was that she was turning me down for sex once or twice a week. To be clear, we're still having sex every other day, which for many couples would be considered great. But for me that's like a girl who loves you only every other day.

Eventually we figured out the root cause. She was actually the one who remembered that book and had me read it. So we talked about it and now that she understood me better she started to make more of an effort to speak my language. And I did the same with her love language. But we did not recover. Sex was an obligation to her now, not a spontaneous and fun activity. So it actually created even more pressure. And what I want is not just the sex, but the lust behind it. So I'm not happy when she does it for me - I want her to do it for her.

There were other issues, but this was the biggest. Many of the others we have already solved, but not this one, After a prolonged period of ups and downs that became wider and wider, I eventually had to step up and put a stop to this cycle. Now we're on a break with no contact for 1 month. The agreement was that we would then start talking again and see where things would go. She is very emotional and attached, and honestly I would also love for it to work out between us - she is a great girl. But I'm also realistic and if a relationship gets to this state the future does not look good to me.

One thing that's clear to me is that I need to at least date a few girls while we're non-monogamous to get out of this neediness mentality. Or maybe to replace her...

I'm wondering:
1. Are we really incompatible, or did this difference get inflated because we did not address it for so long? So by the time we did address it we were already far along the spiral? Put another way, could I have acted differently early on to prevent this mess, or was it inevitable because we're just not a good fit?
2. Now that we're here, is it recoverable? She does still love me very much and is still attracted to me for sure. But we also have a very bad precedent.
 

determined

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Mar 14, 2013
Messages
172
One more thing, just to be clear. I don't believe her decline in desire happened on its own. I believe it is because I was also guilty of not speaking HER love language. In fact I was much more guilty than she was until I understood the issue. Only question is whether the decline would have happened eventually anyways, or if it was solely a result of her frustration with me.

Either way, for a while now I've made a conscious effort to give her what she needs in the hope that the relationship would get back on track as she felt loved the way she likes. And she definitely appreciated it a LOT, especially after being frustrated for so long. I tried to walk the fine line of making her feel loved and safe and that I am willing to take the first step (so that she would feel safe to invest), while at the same time making sure she knew that I did expect to eventually have the relationship I want and that I was willing to walk away if I thought I wouldn't get it (but I have her best interests at heart). Eventually I had to walk away.

After this month of separation the hope is that if we start off slow we can build a relationship on a new solid foundation instead of being stuck with the shitty foundation of neediness and frustration that we had before. And when I say shitty, just to be clear it was still a very good relationship by most standards as I said above. The fact that we're still on such good terms after so much frustration I think is proof of that. It's just not the relationship of my dreams...
 
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