How do you open up in a relationship?

Evan27

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Apr 24, 2015
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It just recently happened that my girlfriend moved to a new city. This was only a problem after finding out that we have communication issues. There is a problem that my aloofness is mistaken for coldness when in reality I am just closed off person. And now more than ever is the time to "shit or get off the pot". Help me to open up, right now I feel unnatural and trying to consciously do it is pushing her away. However aware I am of the issue, it is still giving me trouble.

Other info:
We have been dating for a year and a half officially even longer if you count first seeing her and that also currently we live 2 hrs apart
TGIF,

Evan
 

Drck

Cro-Magnon Man
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Feb 14, 2013
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1,488
Hi Evan, not sure if I understand fully:

* It just recently happened that my girlfriend moved to a new city. This was only a problem after finding out that we have communication issues.
>>>> Why did she move to a new city? Because of your communication problems? Family? Job?

* There is a problem that my aloofness is mistaken for coldness when in reality I am just closed off person
>>>> Not sure what do you mean by that either. What is the difference between these? If you are aloof you can be perceived as cold and closed off... How does she suppose to know that you are not for example cold if you are aloof all the time?

* We have been dating for a year and a half
>>>> What is dating? Just going out with her ever week or two? Sleeping with her? Living together?

* Help me to open up, right now I feel unnatural and trying to consciously do it is pushing her away.
>>>> Ok, how are you trying to open up to her that she is pushed away?


I can't read much from your text, so I give you my examples: I met a girl in the past, there were great vibes, she was quite excited and anxious to be around me, I knew she was thinking sex. I had feelings for her. So she sends me a message: blah blah, I love you. So I replied: blah blah, you know that I love you too. I was honest, and what happened? ERRRR!!! She was gone the second day...

Or, another one: she tried to talk openly about her family: sisters this, mom that... So I tried to reciprocate with the same, described my family. Boom! Gone, attraction was gone, I pushed her away by being too honest and open...

WTF? You would think. But many times they are not looking for that sort of honest opening. They still want some mystery, some sort of indirectness. For example, she sends me her pic, she is smoking hot, like a model. Do I say "you are so hot!"? Fuck no. I don't know how other guys, but I just can't be direct. I say: "I like the cup you are holding on that pic, what do you drink?"... And then she goes on and on... Then I asked: Who took those pretty pictures? And then she talks even more... But this is kind of relative, it simply all depends. Another times I sent a message: Wow, that girl on that pic is so fucking hot! Just to hit on her - but there should be good vibes first...

Or, she asks me what am I doing for living. Do I tell her the truth? What I say is: Yea, I work in X field, it is ok, not as good as it should be but I can't really complain. It is actually good. How about you, what do you do? And then I go onto what she does for living, trying to get as much as info about her...

This way you can accomplish many good things, such as:

- You remain mystery, at least sort of. The less you tell her the better for you. She wants to guess, she wants to imagine things, she wants to find out - and that is exciting. She doesn't want you to tell her, she doesn't want to know... Knowing is boring....

- She will have to invest more about you. She will have to come back (hours, days of week later) and keep asking more questions about you. You stimulate her natural curiosity, she has to find out more...

- She talks, and you don't. Which makes both of you feel great, LOL. Just remember some details that she talks about here and there, then throw the details back at her. This way it at least 'looks' that you are interested in what she has to say...


Another good thing to 'open up' your feelings is when you really like to do something and you show passion for it: Hey, I really like to go (swimming, diving, running, visiting, going to zoo, ...), there is this great place I've been to before, you definitely have to go with me. Note that this way you are not describing yourself and you are not describing her - you are describing THINGS that you like or love to do, and you show excitement to do these things again - with her. You of course want to do those things WITH HER and they should be physical, meaning physical movements and actions...


Other things that come to my mind:
- You might be depressed, down
- You don't really like her that much, you don't have feelings for her, you date her just so you can say you have "GF"



Hope that some of it will help...
 

Wick

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Dec 25, 2012
Messages
1,082
To add to Drck's post...

How well are you sexing her?

And what are your goals with the relationship?

(This next part is not from my experience but from studying psychology)

Is she the one telling you that you have issues communicating? That may be a sign she's uncomfortable with something and blaming you for her emotions. If that is the case, are you sexing her well enough? Are you leading the relationship or just letting it fly in the wind without any direction? Or worse, forcing her to steer?

Fixing this may be a sticky situation, as I'm seeing signs of underlying issues. Not to mention you two now live in different cities, which opens a whole new can of worms.

I know you were asking how to open up in relationships, but I'm not even sure that is a good idea in the conventional way you are asking how to do.

Ever hear that you must seduce your woman over and over again? Part of that is allowing a woman to discover you by peeling back and working for those juicy insides. You can open up, but let her work for it. You have a passion for XYZ? Instead of telling her all about your love for it, reveal a hint and let her see how much you love it in action.

"You seem to do XYZ a lot..."

"Yeah... You could say that :)"

Get the picture?
 

Evan27

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Apr 24, 2015
Messages
37
No the issue is not about attraction at all. Sex is completely fine (and on top of that she screams during). The communication errors exist causing us to believe things that may not entirely be true just because we don't disclose our intentions to each other's face. Since we're both introverts the communication has been hard. That underlying issue makes us get into arguments only to see us get close again the following day. Eventually this will cause us to be driven apart so I did the best solution to punt the relationship in hopes that we will be able to reconcile one day. This I plan to work on over the following months to get back with each other after dust settles. I hope attraction is not what you see as the problem and gear your advice more towards how to effectively communicate.

-Edawg
 

Wick

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Dec 25, 2012
Messages
1,082
For me opening up is about learning more about each other. Sharing more about yourself is easier when you start exploring and asking about her; she will probably start asking you similar questions once a conversation like this is rolling or you can relate to what she says when she starts to share her personal experiences.

I'm sure you already know about deep diving, and that's basically what I'm talking about. I sometimes have a tendency to ask personal questions and dive a tiny bit deeper but then move on to something else and deep dive that aspect. That's okay if you want to thread cut and move to a more appropriate topic for the current mood you're looking for, but really try to explore topics she shares. Its a DEEP dive.

Keep the vibe upbeat/interesting and inquisitive. If it starts to feel like an interview, lay off the pressure. Relate back to her, briefly tangent or come back to it later.

Once you have really opened someone up and got them sharing personal things with you, you have a lot more room to do the same yourself.

Also, learning more about each other will help further conversations by not only understanding where someone stands on issues, but why. Remember to be observant in general as well. Notice her moods, reactions to things, habits, etc. This helps in many other areas especially being a leader in a relationship.

I kept it pretty general because "opening up" is a bit non-specific.
 
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