This FR is about [C] the girl that Chase has helped me with in my initial interactions, see: https://boards.girlschase.com/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=7700. Because of some initial stuffups the plan was to play more of a boyfriend role and try date compression if possible.
Hadn't seen her for 1.5wks although I'd pinged her after 1wk to see if she was free to join me in some market shopping, but she had to work whole day (oops -- should have inquired as to her schedule). She didn't suggest an alternative time so I gave it another half a week and then arranged with her a morning coffee date for today, for the agreed purpose of discussing some way of getting together during her leave (I was a bit dubious about the way she was texting me so I said I was pretty busy but maybe could work something out, and suggested to discuss in person over the coffee today).
Well she first messaged me at 8am to ask me to pick her up in my car, this wasn't the arrangement, I would have refused compliance except I did not even see the message until much later anyhow, then she said she'd be late and eventually turned up half an hour late, I'd killed a bit of time in city and got to Starbucks and decided to go ahead and order and was just receiving the food / drink when she arrived, I thought this was an OK look in the circumstances, as it wouldn't appear I'd been there for a long time and nor would it appear I was willing to wait around for her arrival.
Anyway this wasn't ideal but things did go pretty well initially, did some catching up, got a bit more sexual teasing in although my chase frames were not really on point, though I remember she brought up oysters and I started pretending to eat them in a very sexual way and got onto chocolate and how chocolate is a very sexual food, an aphrodisiac, etc, and by the way what was she drinking... teased her a little, also talked a bit about relationships generally, it all went pretty well and we were both having a good time and had discussed a bit about our availability the following week when I decided to get out the yes-ladder: we are enjoying each other's company, cos it looks like you're having a good time? yes, she agreed... and you would like to spend more time with me? and she says yes, as a friend... ARGH... this really knocked me for six, thought we had dealt with that and it was totally dissonant with her behaviour, looked like auto rejection kicking in again? So I a sexual stare for a while whilst trying to think of something to say, couldn't think of anything and eventually averted my eyes and thought about it for a bit... and decided to get out the hard push / logics... First I asked her what the issue was and she said it was that she would return to HK after her working holiday and I'd said I find long distance r/ship difficult... I replied that I could see what was happening, I had seen it before, she was overthinking stuff and coming up with problems and that's why I like to live in the moment... added that if she did not find me attractive or if she felt we did not get on together then I totally respected that, but if she was just gonna come up with random problems I did not respect that... her response (or non response) confirmed to me that I was correct, she is attracted and feels we get on OK but is auto rejecting for some reason... so then she starts suggesting that if I won't be friends then maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore and I said sure, if that's what you prefer... then asks me point blank if friendship is on the table and I say well my relationships are always "friends first", that is, if I'm in a relationship it must be with someone I can hang out with in a relaxed way and whom I like and respect and get on well with, she presses me a bit more and I chew on this for some time and say that's a hard decision... that's a really hard decision (because I like her but on the other hand I'm not willing to be friendzoned is the subtext). So then I say you should know me quite well by now... you feel you understand my personality? and she agrees, yes... and I say that I must express myself... and to be restricted to friends only would be like cutting off a part of my personality and I'm not sure I can deal with that... she agrees and takes this on board... I should mention that we're holding hands and I'm looking deeply into her eyes the whole time we're discussing this... and holding the sexual smirk in the periods where one or other is thinking about how to respond. I also point out that girls who aren't into me generally don't respond to my text and that her actions in meeting up with me to discuss leave plans are not consistent with what she's saying.
So overall the mood lightened up a bit and I felt I'd rejected her friendly frame... as she is actually working in another job during her leave and Friday turned out to be her only free day I suggested I pick her up on Thursday after work and take her on an adventure... when pressed I explained that we would stay somewhere overnight and then do a hike the following day (because we both like hiking)... although I have to be back in town by afternoon after the hike (in fact I really am busy, it's not just a frame)... she protested that she wasn't sure about staying overnight with me, so I said well it's up to her, she should realize by now that I'll care for her and that I cannot prove myself any more than I already have... I also point out that if we do not stay out of town we cannot go hiking in the rainforest, she says she wants to go for a hike nearer the city and I say no dice and that first date, second date, third date, fourth date, no intimacy does not work for me... (this could've been a mistake, I could better have said well if I'm taking time out to go hiking then I want to get out of town and really relax, otherwise I'm not doing it) and point out that we'll eat at a brilliant seafood restaurant that I know on the Thursday night on the way out there... anyway, she hemms and hawws for a while claiming she can't offer me what I want (what does she mean... she means intimacy... so I hold the sexual smirk for some time and tell her she can do all sorts of things if she puts her mind to it)... she doesn't exactly say no, and I decide not to press it any further and close things out at this point saying I had better get to work.
After we leave Starbucks I realize she is holding leverage over me by not giving a clear response so I say that if she wants to go ahead she'd better let me know soon, cos I'd have to change the dentist. This was a bit weak -- I could have said well I'll keep it free for you until tomorrow but after that no promises. Anyway, was thinking on my feet... I give her a hug and kiss on the cheek and send her on her way. I doubt I'll be hearing back so I'll probably delete her number within a few days, I'm not OK with this friendzoning shit, once I can deal with (aggressively rejected the frame with sexual teasing and so on), twice perhaps, three times NO.
I think in retrospect it would have been more faithful to the date compression concept to have proposed an evening date(s) in town during her leave after her part time work, but unfortunately I did not think of this, since I had limited information before the date. Was in any case pretty set on the tourism / hiking bit since she is a visitor in my city and I want to show her a good time. It was a useful test of whether she is into me or whether she's just going to stuff me around, although I suppose might have done better with easy date and cooking at home... not really sure tho.
cheers, Ray
Hadn't seen her for 1.5wks although I'd pinged her after 1wk to see if she was free to join me in some market shopping, but she had to work whole day (oops -- should have inquired as to her schedule). She didn't suggest an alternative time so I gave it another half a week and then arranged with her a morning coffee date for today, for the agreed purpose of discussing some way of getting together during her leave (I was a bit dubious about the way she was texting me so I said I was pretty busy but maybe could work something out, and suggested to discuss in person over the coffee today).
Well she first messaged me at 8am to ask me to pick her up in my car, this wasn't the arrangement, I would have refused compliance except I did not even see the message until much later anyhow, then she said she'd be late and eventually turned up half an hour late, I'd killed a bit of time in city and got to Starbucks and decided to go ahead and order and was just receiving the food / drink when she arrived, I thought this was an OK look in the circumstances, as it wouldn't appear I'd been there for a long time and nor would it appear I was willing to wait around for her arrival.
Anyway this wasn't ideal but things did go pretty well initially, did some catching up, got a bit more sexual teasing in although my chase frames were not really on point, though I remember she brought up oysters and I started pretending to eat them in a very sexual way and got onto chocolate and how chocolate is a very sexual food, an aphrodisiac, etc, and by the way what was she drinking... teased her a little, also talked a bit about relationships generally, it all went pretty well and we were both having a good time and had discussed a bit about our availability the following week when I decided to get out the yes-ladder: we are enjoying each other's company, cos it looks like you're having a good time? yes, she agreed... and you would like to spend more time with me? and she says yes, as a friend... ARGH... this really knocked me for six, thought we had dealt with that and it was totally dissonant with her behaviour, looked like auto rejection kicking in again? So I a sexual stare for a while whilst trying to think of something to say, couldn't think of anything and eventually averted my eyes and thought about it for a bit... and decided to get out the hard push / logics... First I asked her what the issue was and she said it was that she would return to HK after her working holiday and I'd said I find long distance r/ship difficult... I replied that I could see what was happening, I had seen it before, she was overthinking stuff and coming up with problems and that's why I like to live in the moment... added that if she did not find me attractive or if she felt we did not get on together then I totally respected that, but if she was just gonna come up with random problems I did not respect that... her response (or non response) confirmed to me that I was correct, she is attracted and feels we get on OK but is auto rejecting for some reason... so then she starts suggesting that if I won't be friends then maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore and I said sure, if that's what you prefer... then asks me point blank if friendship is on the table and I say well my relationships are always "friends first", that is, if I'm in a relationship it must be with someone I can hang out with in a relaxed way and whom I like and respect and get on well with, she presses me a bit more and I chew on this for some time and say that's a hard decision... that's a really hard decision (because I like her but on the other hand I'm not willing to be friendzoned is the subtext). So then I say you should know me quite well by now... you feel you understand my personality? and she agrees, yes... and I say that I must express myself... and to be restricted to friends only would be like cutting off a part of my personality and I'm not sure I can deal with that... she agrees and takes this on board... I should mention that we're holding hands and I'm looking deeply into her eyes the whole time we're discussing this... and holding the sexual smirk in the periods where one or other is thinking about how to respond. I also point out that girls who aren't into me generally don't respond to my text and that her actions in meeting up with me to discuss leave plans are not consistent with what she's saying.
So overall the mood lightened up a bit and I felt I'd rejected her friendly frame... as she is actually working in another job during her leave and Friday turned out to be her only free day I suggested I pick her up on Thursday after work and take her on an adventure... when pressed I explained that we would stay somewhere overnight and then do a hike the following day (because we both like hiking)... although I have to be back in town by afternoon after the hike (in fact I really am busy, it's not just a frame)... she protested that she wasn't sure about staying overnight with me, so I said well it's up to her, she should realize by now that I'll care for her and that I cannot prove myself any more than I already have... I also point out that if we do not stay out of town we cannot go hiking in the rainforest, she says she wants to go for a hike nearer the city and I say no dice and that first date, second date, third date, fourth date, no intimacy does not work for me... (this could've been a mistake, I could better have said well if I'm taking time out to go hiking then I want to get out of town and really relax, otherwise I'm not doing it) and point out that we'll eat at a brilliant seafood restaurant that I know on the Thursday night on the way out there... anyway, she hemms and hawws for a while claiming she can't offer me what I want (what does she mean... she means intimacy... so I hold the sexual smirk for some time and tell her she can do all sorts of things if she puts her mind to it)... she doesn't exactly say no, and I decide not to press it any further and close things out at this point saying I had better get to work.
After we leave Starbucks I realize she is holding leverage over me by not giving a clear response so I say that if she wants to go ahead she'd better let me know soon, cos I'd have to change the dentist. This was a bit weak -- I could have said well I'll keep it free for you until tomorrow but after that no promises. Anyway, was thinking on my feet... I give her a hug and kiss on the cheek and send her on her way. I doubt I'll be hearing back so I'll probably delete her number within a few days, I'm not OK with this friendzoning shit, once I can deal with (aggressively rejected the frame with sexual teasing and so on), twice perhaps, three times NO.
I think in retrospect it would have been more faithful to the date compression concept to have proposed an evening date(s) in town during her leave after her part time work, but unfortunately I did not think of this, since I had limited information before the date. Was in any case pretty set on the tourism / hiking bit since she is a visitor in my city and I want to show her a good time. It was a useful test of whether she is into me or whether she's just going to stuff me around, although I suppose might have done better with easy date and cooking at home... not really sure tho.
cheers, Ray