FR+  Hinge date who said I had no personality

Beam

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jan 17, 2019
Messages
773
I matched with a woman on Hinge who was a few years older than me – she had a typical nerdy look – glasses, dyed black hair and tattoos, and typical nerdy interests - Dr who, boardgames, sci fi and so on.
She commented on one of my nerdy photos of me posing with a project I’d made for a friend’s birthday last year and we went from there. After a couple of standard back and forth texts I asked for her schedule and set up a date for Friday night (two days ago)

I chose a board game café in the center of the city and had a couple of other nerdy places in mind to go to afterwards. These weren’t within walking distance to my place though which was the only downside. When she arrived, I could immediately tell she was pretty socially awkward (she seemed a bit spacey). I was a bit unsure about how to handle this so I was a bit more reserved than usual and went along with her, trying to match her personality.

She loved the board game café. While here she revealed a few things about herself – she had a rough upbringing that she didn’t want to talk about, she was heavily into BDSM and she was pretty lonely and not that satisfied with her life. I didn’t reveal much about myself – surface level stuff like my job, interests and so on. I don’t think I sounded too interested though– that’s because lately with all the moves I haven’t really had a chance to work on my hobbies and have no projects I’m currently working on to get excited about so it might have come across as phony and unambitious. We both wanted drinks and I found out this place didn’t have alcohol so we left after browsing the board games and headed to a whisky bar, meanwhile talking about Quantum Physics (she didn’t really seem to know what she was talking about and nothing she said really surprised me since I was pretty familiar with the topic). But it was a fun, lighthearted conversation.

There was a particular drink that a friend of hers had recommended that she hadn’t been able to find anywhere, so we decided to explore a couple of other bars to find it. While out she revealed how hard it was to find someone who understood her. It completely flew over my head that she was revealing that she was similarity type but I didn’t dig further, instead keeping the conversations lighthearted and playful. I did deep dive on occasion but I must not have done it well enough for her to feel a strong connection, as I later found out.

After a while she suggested going to a science themed bar which actually ended up being the same bar that I had planned us ending the night on – I planned this date pretty well for a similarity type actually – but once we got there, had a few more drinks and went upstairs to a quieter area, she started revealing what she really thought about me…

Apparently she thought I had “no personality”, and that when she looked into my eyes she couldn’t figure me out. I mentioned that that was a good thing – who wants to figure out a person after just a few hours knowing them? That would take away any intrigue (This is one way only of course – I don’t want girls figuring me out within a few hours but I want to figure them out – currently failing at that apparently). She explained further that she didn’t want a puzzle, she wanted someone that she could know and trust right away, so that she could then join them on whatever journey they were going on in life. But to her it seemed like I didn’t have any ambitions, or any passions. She mentioned that she matched with me because of the photo of me with my nerdy project, but she wasn’t getting any sense that I was actually interested in it because I hadn’t talked about it all night. Fair point. She also mentioned that it seemed like I didn’t know or care about her at all, and that I probably had no idea she used to play in a metal band. I didn’t. And she also said it seemed like I was putting on a façade and that I wasn’t truly happy but pretending to be. She was right.
This whole ordeal was pretty rough, and I just emotionally shut down and went silent for a few minutes. After a while I thought, screw it, this isn’t going anywhere, so I might as well explain to her that I understood exactly what she meant and why I turned out this way. I talked about my childhood, and explained how while I had friends growing up, I never really fit in anywhere and always ran with different crowds, because I had different interests. I explained that I enjoyed working on nerdy projects, but I also enjoyed going to the gym, music festivals, having drugs and alcohol. And that because I ran with different crowds I was used to hiding certain aspects of my personality to get along with them better. And that it was hard meeting people who were similar to me. I told her that I knew exactly what she meant (because I did) but that I was trying to work on it and trying to be better, but that it was a hard and lonely journey, which is why I was not that happy. I guess this is why it’s so important to be vulnerable. I’m not good at showing vulnerability at all – in fact, this was the most vulnerable I’d been with anyone in a long time.

Well, that seemed to work.. she was starting to smile a bit – I think she was starting to realize that I did actually get it, and she was seeing the real me and that I wasn’t just a dumb phony. And then she suggested we leave – so we did and found a quieter area outside on the street (still in plain view of everyone though) where we talked even more about how hard it is to find someone who really gets you. I wasn’t even thinking about picking her up at this point and I thought that was it – I was just unloading and would never see this woman again – because I was still emotionally numb.
On the way back to the train station I pretty much told her (in my numb state) that it was a shame this wasn’t going to work out. Well I guessed that pissed her off, because apparently by this point, she’d started to trust me so much that she wanted to see me again. She felt like the last hour was a complete waste because she had revealed so much about herself to me and now I was basically saying “I understand, that sucks, good luck, see you later”.
I explained that that wasn’t what I meant, and then she asked me to prove it. I told her that she was obviously someone who had gone through a lot of pain in her life, but who wasn’t willing to give up just yet, and that despite all the setbacks she had faced, she still had a glimmer of hope that she would find someone who truly understood her. And that is what was keeping her going. And I said that I didn’t feel like I was able to be that person for her because of where I am in life, and I didn’t want to hurt her by giving her that hope.

At this point, we were walking past a cathedral. She jumped up on one of the stone railings and told me to come up as well. I did, facing away from her. Then she asked why I was facing the other direction - I turned around she leaned in and kissed me, probably for a good minute. We talked a little more, and then she coyly asked me if I’d ever had sex in a church before and I said no. She smiled and suggested we try to get in (This was at 12:30 in the morning). But all the doors were locked! “That’s a real shame” she said, still smiling. At this point I was still feeling emotionally numb and wasn’t thinking straight, so I wasn’t thinking about other places we could have gone. I just suggested we come back on Sunday but she was working so couldn’t. We ended up kissing some more, and she followed me to my train and waited with me right outside the door on the platform until it left and told me to text her when I got home (her train was leaving 20 minutes later). I just had a really strange feeling about the whole thing (maybe because I was still in such an emotionally numb state) and didn’t invite her back to mine…
So that was it. I went home alone, and texted her that I got home alright.

Her words stuck with me. And I had an existential crisis thinking about them the entire next day. She pretty much confirmed my suspicions of how I come across to other people and why it has been so difficult to form meaningful connections with them. I struggle to connect with women (and people in general) in any meaningful way. Interactions are generally shallow. I’m not really interested in them. I think this is because I still care too much about what they think of me and so I’m constantly thinking of myself, not them. I think I’m a bit jaded too. I read a lot as a teenager and through my 20s, and it’s extremely hard to get stimulated by many conversation topics anymore. That’s why I focus more on being lighthearted and fun, but the end result is that women think that’s all I’m about and there isn’t more to me. There is, I’m just not interested in showing or talking about it because I don’t learn anything talking about myself.

Main lessons:

- I need to learn how to be vulnerable with people – people open up to me a lot more when I’m vulnerable. But I still need to balance this with being playful and fun. I also need to tailor this to the woman in question depending on her SAC type. I imagine this is more important for similarity types as opposed to the others.
- I need to really make an active effort to be interested in and truly care about other people, as much as it goes against my natural inclinations. I need to learn how to stop constantly thinking about how I’m being perceived or how this person can benefit me.
- I need to cultivate and find a way to convey my ambition and passions on dates, while keeping talking to a minimum.
 

zappbrannigan

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
May 25, 2019
Messages
129
I think you did relatively well (I like you handled her saying she couldn't figure you out), and if that church had been open this would be a LR.

But jesus man, that shit she gave you about having no personality sounds so familiar. I need to do some serious soul searching...
 

ljrozz69

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
May 25, 2019
Messages
175
Hey guys!

Well the story is great, you made some connection with her and you liberated yourself from your pesona (your own social mask) that you showed to her. I've struggled with this myself so I am going to share my thoughts with you. I hope this will really help =)

Why do you have the persona?

In your case, you are protecting yourself by not showing your real self, so if they don't like interacting with you it's your persona that they don't like, not you. It's kind of autorejection, you don't feel allowed to show others who you're because you are scared of what they will think about you!!!
It's not that you don't have a personality or soul, it's just that you don't allow others to see it, because you don't allow yourself to show it -maybe even to yourself.

But, what's the solution?
Well the solution is deeper. The solution is... TO HAVE INTENT.
Yes, what I am saying is that most of what you are doing in your life right now is not because you want to, but because others told you to do so or wanted you to want that.
You have to start to get knowing yourself, what you really like and want in life, and not what others want you to want! Ask yourself some questions, talk to yourself and listen! How are you really feeling?
You can't be a free person if you don't know what you want.

Once you know what you want
It's your RESPONSIBILITY to make it real. It really is. It's the main reason of why you do things, it's the main reason of why you are here, it's the main reason of why you live. You can't be free without doing what you really want. There is no one that will bring your will to reality except you, because it's your will and thus, IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
And then when you will do what you really want things are going to change. You are going to have people liking YOU because you really want to get to know them. Girls are going to chase you because you really want them. And, most importantly you are going to become a free person, in a world where everyone is a slave.

Being free and starting to live your dreams instead of dreaming about living.
Being free and becoming truly yourself.


Being free... Isn't that what you truly want?

Best,
Klimax
 

Beam

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jan 17, 2019
Messages
773
Zapp, it's true. And it probably sounds familiar to the majority of guys. At least we have the benefit of recognizing it and trying to change it.

Klimax, very wise words :)

Why do you have the persona?
In your case, you are protecting yourself by not showing your real self, so if they don't like interacting with you it's your persona that they don't like, not you. It's kind of autorejection, you don't feel allowed to show others who you're because you are scared of what they will think about you!!!
It's not that you don't have a personality or soul, it's just that you don't allow others to see it, because you don't allow yourself to show it -maybe even to yourself.

I guess I am scared of revealing that I spent most of the first 25 years of my life depressed, didn't have any real hobbies and hardly got any girls. The problem is, now I've changed (still suffer from pangs of depression here and there) and I want to meet/sleep with a lot of different girls of different backgrounds/interests. And using the fake it till you make it persona has worked to get them interested in me initially where before they weren't. But at some point it's working too well and they think I'm more experienced than I am/have had a similar life to them (assuming I got laid in high school and throughout uni), and then when they find out I'm not that they lose interest and leave.

But I understand that people don't judge you on your history as much as you think, they judge you on how you are presenting yourself right now. So really it is my insecurity around my lack of experience that they're picking up on.

But, what's the solution?
Well the solution is deeper. The solution is... TO HAVE INTENT.
Yes, what I am saying is that most of what you are doing in your life right now is not because you want to, but because others told you to do so or wanted you to want that.
You have to start to get knowing yourself, what you really like and want in life, and not what others want you to want! Ask yourself some questions, talk to yourself and listen! How are you really feeling?
You can't be a free person if you don't know what you want.

Once you know what you want
It's your RESPONSIBILITY to make it real. It really is. It's the main reason of why you do things, it's the main reason of why you are here, it's the main reason of why you live. You can't be free without doing what you really want. There is no one that will bring your will to reality except you, because it's your will and thus, IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
And then when you will do what you really want things are going to change. You are going to have people liking YOU because you really want to get to know them. Girls are going to chase you because you really want them. And, most importantly you are going to become a free person, in a world where everyone is a slave.

Being free and starting to live your dreams instead of dreaming about living.
Being free and becoming truly yourself.

That's true. I guess what I really want is to gain influence in society so that I can give back, and be widely respected/admired/desired by everyone, especially by the girls I want. I'll be the first to admit that I'm kind of a narcissist. I like the idea of starting my own tech business, because I want to impact the world in a concrete way. This is why I like working on nerdy hobby projects, because one day I may have a great product idea and my skills will have been refined to a point where I can feasibly make it happen. My current job is not going to get me there at all and so that's why I'm not planning on staying there for too long. I love playing music too, it's one of the few things I've consistently enjoyed doing ever since I was a kid. I'm planning on writing/making more music this year when I settle down in my new place. I love performing in front of others (ok, this ones probably way more motivated by the upkick in attention I'd get from girls as opposed to starting my own company, but I do actually enjoy it)

I was doing really well on all these fronts until this year. The constant moves have put all my hobbies on the backburner. And now, I'm in a position where I'm working a job that's not getting me where I want to be, and I'm spending my limited free time trying to get better with girls. Which is great and necessary, but I'm really just doing it so I can go focus on the things I really want to do without having it weigh on my mind (my lack of success with women has caused me brain fog at uni, work and even when working on my hobbies which is why I'm prioritizing it now)
 

ljrozz69

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
May 25, 2019
Messages
175
Hello again SpookyTannedMoose =)

I am disappointed with your reply because I was expecting more introspective work from you, even if you actually did some. I am sure this time you will get it! ;)

I have time for a fast reply, so I am going to be as synthetic as I can, without justifying what I am saying (but it's easy to see why I say that) :

1- Accept yourself, it seems obvious from what you wrote that you are not accepting your past and thus yourself. You have to acknowledge where you are from, where you are at and accept it. I am not even going to explain you why, because you know it will feel better. If you are too insecure and still want a reason : progress is what makes winners, coming from the bottom to finish at the top that's success!

2- You don't genuinely want to have social power. To you, right now, it's just a tool to compensate your lack of security/knowing where you are going to. Don't lie to yourself and do stuff that you genuinely want, it will make you feel secure and happy, by just doing what you love to do!

3- Start having your mindsets from an emotional point of view. You have to feel it. From what you wrote it seems that you think about women as something you have to fix so you'll not feel lonely and sad (this is coming from a scarcity mentality). Once you have a good mindset you have to start feeling it! It's not something you should do logically. It's moving things from "I have to" to "I want to".

4- it's cool that you are an ambitious man! I also have nerdy projects, do music on ableton and play some electric guitar! I see that you also have more professional projects for long term. Now, what's holding you back from doing your best to succeed at each of these? Go it's going to be a lot of fun and feel great! (Btw I would be happy to hear your music or know about your nerdy projects!).

That's all I have to say! With the last post it's all you need to know to fix many, many stuff that's going wrong - including women telling you that you don't have any personality haha ;)

See you soon on the forums,
Klimax
 

Beam

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jan 17, 2019
Messages
773
Hi Klimax! I'm disappointed that I disappointed you :p

1- Accept yourself, it seems obvious from what you wrote that you are not accepting your past and thus yourself. You have to acknowledge where you are from, where you are at and accept it. I am not even going to explain you why, because you know it will feel better. If you are too insecure and still want a reason : progress is what makes winners, coming from the bottom to finish at the top that's success!

You're right, I'm not accepting myself. I think it's because throughout my life I've tried so many things (sports, hobbies etc.) and have either given up on most of them due to not being any good despite trying hard, or, the things that I have gotten to an intermediate level with (like piano and gym) I've lost all motivation to continue to get to an advanced level with and am content with playing songs I learned years ago/ maintaining my physique instead of improving even more. With the result being that I've internalized not being able to/wanting to get amazing at anything as an innate characteristic of mine that I cannot change. When you believe something like this is fundamentally a part of your personality, it makes it hard to accept yourself. If I could wish for one thing, it would be to have the grit and determination to never be content and always want to improve in anything I try, instead of reaching a "good enough" level and losing that drive. Because even if it has been making me content in the short term, it has obviously been making me unhappy in the long term. And I have read Chase's article on "how to master anything". And I know I'm capable. It's just fighting my own contentedness that's the problem.

2- You don't genuinely want to have social power. To you, right now, it's just a tool to compensate your lack of security/knowing where you are going to. Don't lie to yourself and do stuff that you genuinely want, it will make you feel secure and happy, by just doing what you love to do!

You're right, I don't really want social power. I just want the benefits that come with it. Well, mainly, easy access to quality women and financial freedom. Really, what I really want is a beautiful and loyal woman to have beautiful, smart, socially savvy children with. And I want to spend time with them instead of being holed up in a cubicle from 9-5.

3- Start having your mindsets from an emotional point of view. You have to feel it. From what you wrote it seems that you think about women as something you have to fix so you'll not feel lonely and sad (this is coming from a scarcity mentality). Once you have a good mindset you have to start feeling it! It's not something you should do logically. It's moving things from "I have to" to "I want to".

I've experienced the mindset you're talking about at various points in my life. It sure does feel great and most of my motivation lately has come from wanting to feel that way again!

4- it's cool that you are an ambitious man! I also have nerdy projects, do music on ableton and play some electric guitar! I see that you also have more professional projects for long term. Now, what's holding you back from doing your best to succeed at each of these? Go it's going to be a lot of fun and feel great! (Btw I would be happy to hear your music or know about your nerdy projects!).

I'm still very much nowhere near mastering my music and project hobbies - in fact - I only started them in earnest a few years ago after a hiatus throughout my teens and early twenties (with the exception of playing piano). But I did enjoy these hobbies as a kid so I know that interest has always been there. I haven't been working on them lately because of constantly moving (I've lived in six places this year). All my project tools and equipment are at my parents house. But I do have my acoustic guitar and ableton live with me. I'd be curious to hear about your projects and listen to your music too man ;)

Again though, I'm afraid I'll get to a level I deem "good enough" and stop trying to improve. That is my biggest fear, my own contentedness. While I am ambitious, early success tends to go to my head and I cruise on that as long as possible instead of focusing on the long game and working more. I've done it with the gym, I've done it with piano, I want to break the cycle.
 
Top
>