Girl at work playing hot and cold

Jasper1978

Rookie
Rookie
Joined
Apr 11, 2019
Messages
1
Hi I am a 35 year old guy who works in the office & need advice with a emotionally hurting situation I never encountered before. I would love to learn your input,

I have a good attainability (fair looks, good confidence, speak my feelings in coordinating IT teams ; pursue ; groom each morning ; wear a nice brand suit, armani watch (sorry guys - had - to mention it, not that it entirely matters. Money doesn't always make happy and u know it), six figure salary (well she doesn't know what I earn but she overheard that I am a contractor. 10 years ago I earned 1/10th of what I earn now ; I do sport, work out a bit, eat much salad, don't look fat. People generally find me reasonably open to talk to in the company because I speak my mind and ask about what interests others or about how their days go and relate to that by sharing a little of my own little world. I also don't act too pleasing before the management and firm pushing, & often friendly to the people who develop software for me). I can be hyperfocused, sometimes a drawback and, sometimes I talk a little too much but I am learning when to shut up

At work I met a cute Chinese lady who I first didn't notice until I caught her staring at me with large eyes. Because I speak Portugese and Hindi to my foreign fellow workers because my passion is in languages, sometimes she just comes and sit to work near me making comments in very very basic Portuguese like "hey, you, what, yes, yes". So I tease by answering in 'broken language' and low voice back when I am not too busy

I noticed often in the hallway when walking with the team she came walking beside me

After some small talk I asked her about her passions in life, what she aspires to do, etc but often she only gave me short answers, 'just do this work', 'I dunno', 'go on holidays' etc. I mirrored her interests and related with my own positive and negative emotions by talking about holidays to China which she liked, but did not say much except a smile

One day when it was stormy on the road and I had no car, she arranged a ride through a co-worker. I told her, 'oh that is the loveliest thing someone ever did for me'. She answered smiling, that is because I care for you. She said that another time as well

When we took some photos with our colleagues from Portugal and India the weeks after she always wanted to stand on the photos next to me. Sometimes we only had 3 people on the photo including her next to me

I started liking her and started to make slight flirty/ sexual comments back to her, ie. 'I like it that you are so intelligent, you seem to pick up these languages quite good'. Her standard reply was slightly smiling: 'fair enough'. I said other things like, 'your hair looks sexy today. Did you just cut it?'. Or something like, 'I would like to know you in a deeper way, but the office would be too small'. I got no rejecting comments back and she smiled but often she was reasonably quiet. I asked her about her passions and she said something like 'anime watching' and 'holidays' so I related I watched some nice crazy ones too in the past and some of my friends do ; I also related to her holidays

I started messaging her on whatshapp but rarely got a reply back. She told me during the day she did just not fancy this medium as communication

It started to annoy me that I only got so short comments from her, and often she had no time when I wanted to do some deeper diving

I started to ignore her a little bit because she suddenly seemed not so reactive until one day, a colleague brought fortune cookies. She told me 'oh Jasper you have no fortune cookie', so she gave me a small paper saying : "you know how much I love you" (i was struck in my heart with a wow, cute)

Eventually I whatsapped her after many flirty comments in the office that I would love to get to know her better and go out with her. She always ignored this question, as I have asked her this before a few times, but later on she apologized for not reacting but she would love to go out with me Saturday. When I asked her in the office about why she often was so quiet she said, 'oh maybe I am a little shy sometimes'. Her personality is that she often uses not too many words, often statements, but does ask a lot of short questions so I find it a bit of a strange, but attractive personality. I did once tell her I found her personality weird, in a good way, she had to laugh

Sometimes she shared food with me, and as far as I could see there were not many people who she did that with

We went out on a team event in a park. Out of 12 people there in the morning she first came standing next to me. I whispered to her in her ear, 'any chance I could steal you away from them?' She said something like 'maybe'. So I isolated her to grab a coffee together

During our walk in the park I teased her a bit and run my hands over her upper and lower back, she did not seem any reluctant

We went to walk on a stepping stone bridge, because she would love to make some photos there but walking was a bit of a challenge. So I offered my hand for her to take it. She rejected it (hmm...). I said playfully, It - could - have been a bit of a romantic moment. Then it started to change, she said, "oh if that is the case then I should stop". I talked on like this did not happen but as soon as I started making flirtier comments she became more cold, as stone

She seemed to have gone into auto-reject. It emotionally upset me, so then I did something that most likely I should not have done, I told her that I really liked her so I had feelings for her and would love this moment to continue. I said I loved for example the way she said her short phrases during the office and how she arranged a car for me, or the fortune cookie event. She told me she never flirted and that meant nothing. She did like this to everyone (ouch! and oh really? Could have fooled me). I observed her motions in the office and I can assure you towards other guys she seemed to talk normally, but to me for some reason she often more quiet or teasing. I tried asking her as confidently as possible for the reason and she said: "I am committed, Jasper". She had a boyfriend for 10 years. I also said I had a long relationship in the past and liked that she was so dedicated

The next days in the office were annoying as fuck. She asked me regular office IT questions and still seemed a little bit flirty after the rejection. I saw one of her feet pointed towards me as she was speaking to another person and still leaned a bit into my direction

When we went to eat for lunch break, however she now started sharing food with our Indian and Portugese people, but not with me. She let me notice that. She also invited one of them at her house because they would go lasergaming with a group of friends (she did not invite me)

I found this extremely frustrating but said nothing about it and reasonably confidently went back to work. I decided to ignore her, I can get better than that and have some fun with other male and female people laughing and talking with them and talking in Hindi/ Portugese to boost my attainability if possible

I had lunch with her another day and asked her about how her boyfriend was, what the nicest thing was that he had done for her. She said oh so many things, she did not go into details. She shared very little and did not want to speak about him. After that in the office she seemed to talk more lively to other guys in my hearing range about her going on travel to Asia (alone, her bf obviously did not want to go with her). She did not ask any guys along from the office though

I am now ignoring her (not in a rude way), and maybe for good. I felt sad emotionally, still not sure how I could have put her in the auto-rejection. Why would someone go all the way to the water stepping stones and then react this? I must have failed 'to close the deal' pretty badly. I did communicate my intentions to her.

I do think it hurts her that I barely talk to her, I sense that from her slightly annoyed glance ( ? ). I am polite to her if I run into her and will help her if she has a question but I will not sit on the lunch table with her again because I do not like the humiliation. However this will eventually cause awkwardness with the rest of the team why I am not doing that. If I am too busy I will say that because she can talk very quickly but only short words ('check, her yes, there') so I answer her: slow down lady, since when am I a machine : )

You have guessed from my writings that I like her a lot and secretly I would of course like to be with her. What is your advice, cut it off permanently or in the meanwhile focus on other things and wait until she may one day come back, or send a positive message to her now and then?

I am inclined to confront her by saying in some way that I will not sit on the lunch table with her because I do not fancy her flirting, but I decided to not have done this (or should I have?)
 

BigS

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Dec 23, 2018
Messages
140
hey man,

sorry to hear that this has been going on with you. In my humble opinion, just judging by how long things have been going on for, coupled with how little has happened, its time to move on.

women are not a scarce resource and it goes against your better judgement to invest so much in one girl.

the remedy I would suggest would be to go out and approach girls. this will get your mind off of this one girl and onto other(s). also, this will help you realize how many girls are really out there.

Hope this helps,

BigS
 
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