On being a man in everyday life

CaptainHenley

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Dec 19, 2015
Messages
118
Hello boys,

I have a problem that's really boggling me.

One of the things that I am proud of is being a man in as one could say the "macro" scale. I got my walk, my mannerisms, my purpose in life, my calmness, fashion, various skills etc. down. Everything that can be taught really.

But, coming from a house with a father who does the exact opposite of what a man should do behavior-wise, I find it really hard to carry myself effectively as a man in social situations, the "micro" scale , the everyday life. The things that are only taught through imitation during a young age.

The way you respond to everyday things, the way you make everyday simple decisions(like where to suggest a place to eat with your group, or playing a game of pool or darts or what have you), the way you are fun to be around without having a stick up your ass nor be a joker and a fool ....


Any advice on that? Sometimes reading girlschase, and other material, I get the feeling that some things should be known by men, yet I was never shown or taught what these things are or how they should look like.

Lack of male role models in my life and a nose deep in books made it even worse.

Like, I'll be strong and a man in hard situations where skill is required (and i have proven that many times), but in simple everyday life I dont look like quite the man.

I am not struggling with women as much, in fact I'd say I am above average, because that's a skill I developed, and still developing. But the things a father teaches you, I never got.

My concern is how to be a man around men, not women

Hoping my point is getting across effectively, since even I struggle to put it into words.
 

Mike&Ikes

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Aug 18, 2017
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Location
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It can be a tough thing to learn, I know. It is a good idea to first get the right perceptions about things before you can get the right behaviors down. For example, take a man who does not like people: when he forces himself to talk to others and be nice, without understanding why, it can feel really incongruent with himself to do those things. Or say for example when you were young, you were forced to clean up your messes but didn’t know why, but it’s just what your parents told you to do. Since then, you’ve grown and realized it’s good to pick up after yourself. This is perception. When your behaviors don’t match your perception of things, you will either stop behaving that way or your perception might change later. That is why you should work on understanding why real men behave this way or that way around other men. Then you can start acting like it. A real man leads and takes charge because he knows others are not as capable as him to do the same things. His perception on leading matches his behaviors on leading. I hope you’re kind of understanding what I’m getting at.

So get the mindsets of a real man down, and you’ll start acting like one.
Good luck!
-Mike
 

Fuck This

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jul 24, 2015
Messages
2,092
Well Theodore Roosevelt was able to go from being a sickly young man to a strong leader active outdoorsman and pursuer of the strenuous life, so it can be learned.

You may just need to study more to develop the mindset. YOu are not alone, in the fact that some of us grew up with strong male figures as children and always deferred to them. I t is kind of a shock when you have to be the strong male influence when you are used to looking up to someone else in that role.

Some reading that might help:

BlackDragon on Alpha Males

Read about other manly leaders on the Art Of Manliness

This AoM article addresses :

I personally believe that there are five switches that every man must turn on in order to power his spiritedness and flip on the motivation that allows him to reach his full potential:

Legacy
Providing
Physicality
Nature
Challenge
 

Mike&Ikes

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Aug 18, 2017
Messages
65
Location
Prison
Agree with Fuck This, do some reading on Theodore Roosevelt. Highly recommend reading some articles on the Art of Manliness.
 

Evan27

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Apr 24, 2015
Messages
37
I think it's important that you're already in the process of trying to acquire these traits you seek, through coming to this site for one, and for recognizing your shortcomings and trying to fix them. There is credit to give yourself for that--others may not even recognize it because they are too preoccupied with their own problems/insecurities. Sometimes I see myself with your mindset but I believe it is possible this it is just a symptom of OCD, or overthinking the whole masculine thing. In my opinion even if what we sometimes allow ourselves to think is true, we still recognize that this is not our true "self" but just a conditioning pattern from the environment which we were raised. Self reflecting from that perspective is objective and allows us the freedom to create new habits better in line with our sense of self, albeit over time and with hard work. Just believe in yourself, always :)
 

CaptainHenley

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Dec 19, 2015
Messages
118
Thank you all for your replies, they were all very genuine, and I have already started working on them.



A thing I'll add for any future readers is that

a good solution to this problem is simply to hang out with the men you wanna become like.



Sounds simple, but I was intimidated by the idea, thinking I wasn't going to be enough for them.

But just like anything in life, you become like the people you're surrounded by.
 

Mr.B

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Nov 24, 2014
Messages
49
Maybe it's time to experiment with what you think is the "micro"?

It can be scary, but some people have an intuitive understanding of what works once they understand other areas really well or "macro".

Hope I help :)
 
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