What is a Friendship?



What is a Friendship?

Postby Platinum » Sun Jan 06, 2019 5:43 am

Hey guys,

I’ve been using Chase’ advice for awhile, but I’ve come across a problem. I no longer understand the point of acquiring friendships or building relationships with people (non-romantic). I know the answer probably seems obvious, but hear me out—I am legitimately unsure.

To start off, I don’t derive much joy out of the friendships I’ve had so far. At least, not as far as I recall. Most of the time I’m stressed out when I hang out with people, trying to figure out how I can direct the conversation or relate to these people. It feels like a lot of work and is very draining, for what seems like little benefit.

Thinking about it now, that may be because I’m a very guarded person. I don’t like to feel vulnerable, so I rarely reveal my insecurities or true thoughts to other people. Usually I stick to listening to the other person instead of telling them what I think. However, this feels very unsatisfying to me. It’s gotten to the point where I can be surrounded by people and still feel like I’m on a island by myself.

But, the problem is, my real thoughts can be ugly. I don’t like that I have them, but I can’t ignore them because it’s true way I legitimately feel. For example, I sometimes bite back the urge to say, “Are you seriously going to keep talking to me? This conversation is boring and I’m in the middle of something.” That’s a pretty nasty thing to say, and I wouldn’t want someone to say that to me. I feel especially guilty when the other person is just trying to be friendly or build a relationship with me and I have no interest in it.

More to the point, it’s pretty rude, and I don’t want to be that person. But no matter how many times I try to repress the urge and pay attention, the feeling doesn’t change or go away. I still feel bored by the conversation and would still rather do my own thing, even if I’m smiling and hearing out the other person.

The combination of repressing some nasty urges, being utterly bored and disinterested, and also being dissatisfied with my not showing my inner self (because it’s not the prettiest image) really stresses me out and makes me wonder—why would I want friendships if this is what it is?

However, I came to you guys with this because I don’t believe that to be true. Lots of people talk about how great friendships are and how happy it makes them. I don’t know if I can relate to that, since I’ve always been the type of person that was friendly but distant—the type who never showed my true hand because I was embarrassed about it. I don’t think I’ve ever had the type of friendship that these people talk about.

That’s why I’m requesting an explanation that would be understandable or relatable for someone like myself, who doesn’t get it. What am I supposed to feel about a friend? How is it supposed to make me feel? Is being interesting and not boring a requirement? What does a friendship offer me that makes it attractive? What do I offer back? Is it supposed to be as stressful as it has been for me?

In essence, I’m hoping to get a full explanation of the concept. I’ve never really understood it, so I hope I can get a line of reasoning that explains all the details even if they seem self explanatory or obvious. If there’s already an article or thread in this, please direct me to it as well.

Thanks for reading so far,
Platinum
Platinum


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Re: What is a Friendship?

Postby Mr.Rob » Mon Jan 07, 2019 10:32 pm

So a friend is going to feel like someone "who gets it" and is on the same wavelength as you. Someone whose not going waste your time with lame conversation because they don't like people that do that to them. They have similar likes/interests/mindsets and you don't have to "try" and fit in or be polite your just both on the same page and enjoy it.

Friendships shouldn't feel draining or a lot of work because your both on the same wavelength. Friendships are beautiful and extremely nourishing to the soul.

What your describing is acquaintences that you don't seem to really be on the same page with and could really care less for their company. So don't hang with people you don't care to be around.

You know man you might want to embrace being your true self. Speak your mind. Offend a few people.

Be polarizing. You'll heavily attract people that resonate with what you are about and you'll quickly and efficiently turn away people that weren't a good fit for you in the first place. Don't let other people waste your time trying to pander to some socially courteous way of going about things.

There's a good book by a crazy psychologist by the name of Brad Blanton called "Radical Honesty" that explains the freeing nature of this concept.

Also you might resonate with RSDDerek's way of approaching the world. His YouTube Channel AND Derek interview w/ Brandon Carter

Hope that helps man. Go seek out your tribe and don't spend time with people you don't like.

-Rob
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Re: What is a Friendship?

Postby Platinum » Tue Jan 08, 2019 12:05 am

That is an interesting perspective, Rob! It has made me realize that you’re right—I spend a lot of time pretending to be someone I think people will like. I’ll check out the links you provided and continue trying to figure this thing out. Thanks for the advice.
Platinum


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Re: What is a Friendship?

Postby Franco » Tue Jan 08, 2019 7:28 pm

Platinum,

I would check out item #6 in this article by Chase:


Cheers,

Franco
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