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- Feb 13, 2013
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The following is basically a compilation of my thoughts, advice from others (Chase, Zac, Franco, Zphix, GoodVibes), along with other miscellaneous research that I have done on the subject over the past few days or so. I decided to put together an informative post on difficult women and how to avoid them wasting your time:
Dealing with Passive Aggressive and Difficult Women: Put Up or Shut Up
Whether you’ve been studying women and the wonderful art of seduction for years, or you are new to this sort of thing… You’ve probably encountered some women that are just not very cooperative, even if they are somewhat or even very interested in you. Maybe they are sending you mixed signals, complaining, testing/challenging you, or just plain confusing you. As all of us know, it can be frustrating, and by now you have (hopefully) learned to keep your cool.
If you haven’t yet learned to “keep your cool”, then perhaps we need to remember that women are just silly and cute little things, and their sarcasm, aloofness and sexiness isn’t any different or greater than what YOU have going on for yourself. Women smell your frustration like a great white shark smells baby seal blood (Sorry, it was Shark Week when I wrote this). You have to remain calm, cool and unreactive to a woman’s difficult vibes and actions. When you do this, she’ll see you as a real man who isn’t affected by the silly games she plays. That isn’t to say that she won’t keep testing you, but rather, it’s all about her perception of you and what she can (and cannot, as we’re hoping for here) get away with.
What Happened?
(And Types Of Girls)
If you’re wondering if she’s koo-koo or something, stop. Ask yourself these questions:
If you answered at least “probably” (and hopefully “yes”) to the first three, and “no” to the last question, then you may want to skim through this thread here to see what that particular scenario might look like. You have to be extremely direct when you want something from a woman, or she will beat around the bush and leave you shaking your head.
If you answered “no” to any of the first three, then your answer to the last question may not matter much because she probably just isn’t all that interested in you.
So, just to get a taste of what we’re dealing with here… let’s dive into the psyche of these women (thank you to Zac for this):
Type 1: Maybe she doesn’t have a lot of men chasing her, so she really just doesn’t know what she’s doing. If so, she is merely in “autopilot” and unless she’s really into you, you'll get nowhere. Also, keep in mind, if it is really the case that she doesn't have a lot of men chasing after her- she is probably lower value and maybe not worth your time. Get better at seduction and get more (and better) girls!
Type 2: This girl is a bit dramatic about men and especially relationships, possibly because she hasn’t been treated all that well by men throughout her life. When you get tired of being the doormat, sometimes you overcompensate and become a bit too aloof and standoffish. These women are usually fairly experienced, and will pick you apart if you are not direct about your intentions with them.
Type 3: She is bored, and likes to toy with men or make them orbiters. (Let’s not talk too much about this girl, she’s not interested and thus not worth your time)
Type 4: She views herself as higher value than you. In this case, you’ve probably answered “maybe” or “no” to the first three questions posed above regarding your initial interaction with the girl. Again, let’s not talk too much about this type of girl. She’s just not that into you, dude!
Type 5: She has a boyfriend, but likes to flirt. Here, you can plow ahead if you so desire. Just be aware of what you are getting yourself into, and be prepared to drop her like a hot potato if and when necessary. We all know that it’s entirely possible to take women to bed that are currently in a relationship with another man. How do you know if she is “single”? You have to ask, and you need to do it early on. Do not let it stop you if she says she’s not single. Go ahead and persist, but be prepared for her to possibly be a little more difficult than the single women you run into.
Tips for Dealing with These Girls
(Be Direct and Flirty, Firm yet Polite)
So what the heck do you do with these girls? I’m not talking about girls that don’t text back. I’m talking about girls that seem interested, maybe initiating contact with you even, but are highly difficult and non-compliant with you.
First of all, do not chase her. It’s okay to persist via text message a couple, or maybe three times to get a meet-up. If she deflects your offers multiple times, but still shows interest (i.e., calling you, texting you, initiating contact) you need to show her you mean business.
But how do you accomplish this in a flirty, but direct manner?
Some time ago, Chase had responded to a comment of mine in his post on the concept of Date Compression here. His advice? Basically: Tell them to “Put Up or Shut Up”. However, as stated in the heading above, you need to do this in a socially graceful way in order to get the response that you want. Chase’s example text was this:
"Tell you what - I can't do the whole chasing thing, I'm really not good at it, and you keep trying to make me! So, I'm leaving this on you - you plan a date and time, and let me know when it is. I'll meet you then
"
Know what? That actually works. I know, because I’ve tried it. It’s not going to work with every woman that gives you a hard time, but it will set the expectation that you are done playing games and ready to get down to brass tax. If she’s interested, she’ll reply with something meaningful that is contributing something toward the interaction. Do not send her any more communication after this, unless she responds to you with something like the aforementioned (contributes to setting up a date and time to meet or whatever it is you're trying to get from her).
Even if she’s not interested, and doesn’t reply, she’ll still think to herself “Hey, this guy is not putting up with my games!” and she’ll leave you alone. Which is good for you, because you have abundance and you just move on to the next number in your phone.
As you can probably ascertain from the advice Chase gave me, prompting a woman to act (while also letting her know exactly what happens if she does nothing) is the best way to setup the straw that breaks the camel’s back. When you do this, though, you'll want to keep a few things in mind:
You have to look in the mirror. You can be a little difficult too, I’m sure. So, before you go and overdo it with the advice you are reading here, make sure your actions are necessary in the first place. If she’s only being “mildly” laborious, you may not want to call her out on it just yet. This can seem overbearing to her, and she’ll write you off as needy. I’m not advocating that you roll with a woman’s punches, but you need to allow her the freedom to play a little hard-to-get. If you are socially in tune with the situation, she’ll feel much more comfortable responding when you do serve up the ultimatum.
Choose your weapons wisely, and make sure you’re calling out the behavior and not the person. The absolute worst mistake you can make is to attack her personally. Do not label her as “difficult”. Remember, it is her actions you do not like. If you didn’t like her, you wouldn’t be pursuing her. Keep this in mind, and keep the discussion about what she’s doing or not doing rather than taking the easy way out and blaming her without being able to back it up. The general vibe should be that she’s simply acting in a way that isn’t conductive to the two of you furthering the interaction.
Make sure that you are focused on more than just the words you’re using. Whether you’re texting her, or on the phone or in person- make sure the general tone is direct, but polite. Remember that communication is more about expression, and less so much about the words you’re using. Tone of voice and body language are key here. Via text message, she’s not going to see these things, so read the text to yourself several times and put yourself in her shoes. Can you digest the emotions she will feel as she reads it? Would you respond to what you’re sending her in a positive way?
Again, pay close attention to her mechanics. Review your interactions with her. What’s missing? Did she react negatively to anything you did? Does she fit squarely into any of the 5 “types” that we listed above? This is extremely important and probably goes without saying, but keep in mind that you need to be far more focused on a woman's actions than the things she says.
Respond, don’t react, and don’t stick around too long. Worthwhile women will usually still play hard to get, but won’t waste your time in the process. These are the women that you should be interested in, because they will help you keep moving things forward. Make sure she is aware of what is going on, but not in a way that would make it seem like you are reacting out of spite or frustration. If you get a little push-back, don’t panic. Just make sure she knows your intentions and that you’re not going to (conversely) waste her time either. The key is "don't stick around too long", meaning that you should be letting her know you're serious and then move on from it and let her chase down the resolution.
Finally, be one-hundred percent prepared to write her off. She may blow it off completely, or just respond with more confusing drivel that gets the both of you nowhere. Do not keep bringing it up, and do not bully her. A strong, secure man will only tell a woman one time, and then after that she has to figure it out herself. She needs to want to have the conversation with you and want to go forward just as much as you do, or more. Stand firm and move on if you have to.
How to Avoid the Situation Altogether?
I don’t know about you guys, but my schedule fills up pretty quickly. While I do have the energy to chase women around, I sure as heck don’t have the time. How do you recognize these women, and deftly cast them aside before wasting eons of time small talking and texting with them?
If you’ve framed the interaction successfully, and you’re getting investment and compliance from a girl (and she seems undoubtedly interested), and you’ve been direct with her about your intentions, then you probably don’t have much to worry about.
However, if your girl isn’t doing the following:
…then “buyer beware”.
So, now that you have a list of things to look for from her end to screen out women who aren’t actually interested in moving things forward with you- let’s do a brief summary of what you can do to become immune to the time-wasters and game-players:
Hopefully, after reading this, you now have a much better grasp on how to handle (and get rid of, when warranted) women that are passive aggressive and do not assist you in your efforts with them. So, the next time you meet that flirty girl that plays too hard to get, you can put her to the ultimate test and minimize your efforts with her and maximize your returns with the “right” ones.
Cheers
NarrowJ
Dealing with Passive Aggressive and Difficult Women: Put Up or Shut Up
Whether you’ve been studying women and the wonderful art of seduction for years, or you are new to this sort of thing… You’ve probably encountered some women that are just not very cooperative, even if they are somewhat or even very interested in you. Maybe they are sending you mixed signals, complaining, testing/challenging you, or just plain confusing you. As all of us know, it can be frustrating, and by now you have (hopefully) learned to keep your cool.
If you haven’t yet learned to “keep your cool”, then perhaps we need to remember that women are just silly and cute little things, and their sarcasm, aloofness and sexiness isn’t any different or greater than what YOU have going on for yourself. Women smell your frustration like a great white shark smells baby seal blood (Sorry, it was Shark Week when I wrote this). You have to remain calm, cool and unreactive to a woman’s difficult vibes and actions. When you do this, she’ll see you as a real man who isn’t affected by the silly games she plays. That isn’t to say that she won’t keep testing you, but rather, it’s all about her perception of you and what she can (and cannot, as we’re hoping for here) get away with.
What Happened?
(And Types Of Girls)
If you’re wondering if she’s koo-koo or something, stop. Ask yourself these questions:
- “Did I lead the initial interaction like a strong, dominant man who knows what he wants, and goes out and gets it?”
- “Did I use proper frame control to get her chasing me and thinking sexual thoughts about us together?”
- “Did I get a good level of investment and compliance from her during the initial sequence of interactions between us?”
- “When I offered a date, was I direct and concise about my intentions?
If you answered at least “probably” (and hopefully “yes”) to the first three, and “no” to the last question, then you may want to skim through this thread here to see what that particular scenario might look like. You have to be extremely direct when you want something from a woman, or she will beat around the bush and leave you shaking your head.
If you answered “no” to any of the first three, then your answer to the last question may not matter much because she probably just isn’t all that interested in you.
So, just to get a taste of what we’re dealing with here… let’s dive into the psyche of these women (thank you to Zac for this):
Type 1: Maybe she doesn’t have a lot of men chasing her, so she really just doesn’t know what she’s doing. If so, she is merely in “autopilot” and unless she’s really into you, you'll get nowhere. Also, keep in mind, if it is really the case that she doesn't have a lot of men chasing after her- she is probably lower value and maybe not worth your time. Get better at seduction and get more (and better) girls!
Type 2: This girl is a bit dramatic about men and especially relationships, possibly because she hasn’t been treated all that well by men throughout her life. When you get tired of being the doormat, sometimes you overcompensate and become a bit too aloof and standoffish. These women are usually fairly experienced, and will pick you apart if you are not direct about your intentions with them.
Type 3: She is bored, and likes to toy with men or make them orbiters. (Let’s not talk too much about this girl, she’s not interested and thus not worth your time)
Type 4: She views herself as higher value than you. In this case, you’ve probably answered “maybe” or “no” to the first three questions posed above regarding your initial interaction with the girl. Again, let’s not talk too much about this type of girl. She’s just not that into you, dude!
Type 5: She has a boyfriend, but likes to flirt. Here, you can plow ahead if you so desire. Just be aware of what you are getting yourself into, and be prepared to drop her like a hot potato if and when necessary. We all know that it’s entirely possible to take women to bed that are currently in a relationship with another man. How do you know if she is “single”? You have to ask, and you need to do it early on. Do not let it stop you if she says she’s not single. Go ahead and persist, but be prepared for her to possibly be a little more difficult than the single women you run into.
Tips for Dealing with These Girls
(Be Direct and Flirty, Firm yet Polite)
So what the heck do you do with these girls? I’m not talking about girls that don’t text back. I’m talking about girls that seem interested, maybe initiating contact with you even, but are highly difficult and non-compliant with you.
First of all, do not chase her. It’s okay to persist via text message a couple, or maybe three times to get a meet-up. If she deflects your offers multiple times, but still shows interest (i.e., calling you, texting you, initiating contact) you need to show her you mean business.
But how do you accomplish this in a flirty, but direct manner?
Some time ago, Chase had responded to a comment of mine in his post on the concept of Date Compression here. His advice? Basically: Tell them to “Put Up or Shut Up”. However, as stated in the heading above, you need to do this in a socially graceful way in order to get the response that you want. Chase’s example text was this:
"Tell you what - I can't do the whole chasing thing, I'm really not good at it, and you keep trying to make me! So, I'm leaving this on you - you plan a date and time, and let me know when it is. I'll meet you then
"Know what? That actually works. I know, because I’ve tried it. It’s not going to work with every woman that gives you a hard time, but it will set the expectation that you are done playing games and ready to get down to brass tax. If she’s interested, she’ll reply with something meaningful that is contributing something toward the interaction. Do not send her any more communication after this, unless she responds to you with something like the aforementioned (contributes to setting up a date and time to meet or whatever it is you're trying to get from her).
Even if she’s not interested, and doesn’t reply, she’ll still think to herself “Hey, this guy is not putting up with my games!” and she’ll leave you alone. Which is good for you, because you have abundance and you just move on to the next number in your phone.
As you can probably ascertain from the advice Chase gave me, prompting a woman to act (while also letting her know exactly what happens if she does nothing) is the best way to setup the straw that breaks the camel’s back. When you do this, though, you'll want to keep a few things in mind:
You have to look in the mirror. You can be a little difficult too, I’m sure. So, before you go and overdo it with the advice you are reading here, make sure your actions are necessary in the first place. If she’s only being “mildly” laborious, you may not want to call her out on it just yet. This can seem overbearing to her, and she’ll write you off as needy. I’m not advocating that you roll with a woman’s punches, but you need to allow her the freedom to play a little hard-to-get. If you are socially in tune with the situation, she’ll feel much more comfortable responding when you do serve up the ultimatum.
Choose your weapons wisely, and make sure you’re calling out the behavior and not the person. The absolute worst mistake you can make is to attack her personally. Do not label her as “difficult”. Remember, it is her actions you do not like. If you didn’t like her, you wouldn’t be pursuing her. Keep this in mind, and keep the discussion about what she’s doing or not doing rather than taking the easy way out and blaming her without being able to back it up. The general vibe should be that she’s simply acting in a way that isn’t conductive to the two of you furthering the interaction.
Make sure that you are focused on more than just the words you’re using. Whether you’re texting her, or on the phone or in person- make sure the general tone is direct, but polite. Remember that communication is more about expression, and less so much about the words you’re using. Tone of voice and body language are key here. Via text message, she’s not going to see these things, so read the text to yourself several times and put yourself in her shoes. Can you digest the emotions she will feel as she reads it? Would you respond to what you’re sending her in a positive way?
Again, pay close attention to her mechanics. Review your interactions with her. What’s missing? Did she react negatively to anything you did? Does she fit squarely into any of the 5 “types” that we listed above? This is extremely important and probably goes without saying, but keep in mind that you need to be far more focused on a woman's actions than the things she says.
Respond, don’t react, and don’t stick around too long. Worthwhile women will usually still play hard to get, but won’t waste your time in the process. These are the women that you should be interested in, because they will help you keep moving things forward. Make sure she is aware of what is going on, but not in a way that would make it seem like you are reacting out of spite or frustration. If you get a little push-back, don’t panic. Just make sure she knows your intentions and that you’re not going to (conversely) waste her time either. The key is "don't stick around too long", meaning that you should be letting her know you're serious and then move on from it and let her chase down the resolution.
Finally, be one-hundred percent prepared to write her off. She may blow it off completely, or just respond with more confusing drivel that gets the both of you nowhere. Do not keep bringing it up, and do not bully her. A strong, secure man will only tell a woman one time, and then after that she has to figure it out herself. She needs to want to have the conversation with you and want to go forward just as much as you do, or more. Stand firm and move on if you have to.
How to Avoid the Situation Altogether?
I don’t know about you guys, but my schedule fills up pretty quickly. While I do have the energy to chase women around, I sure as heck don’t have the time. How do you recognize these women, and deftly cast them aside before wasting eons of time small talking and texting with them?
If you’ve framed the interaction successfully, and you’re getting investment and compliance from a girl (and she seems undoubtedly interested), and you’ve been direct with her about your intentions, then you probably don’t have much to worry about.
However, if your girl isn’t doing the following:
- Investing time/effort in the interaction.
- Complying with your demands or requests.
- Going along with frames you set.
- Giving you strong general indications that she’s interested in you.
- Being somewhat direct with you about where the interaction is headed.
…then “buyer beware”.
So, now that you have a list of things to look for from her end to screen out women who aren’t actually interested in moving things forward with you- let’s do a brief summary of what you can do to become immune to the time-wasters and game-players:
- Keep your cool, don’t react, remain calm and unaffected.
- Review your interaction(s) with the girl in question.
- Figure out which girl she is (Zac’s five types of time-wasters).
- Know when the appropriate time is to take action.
- Make sure your delivery is direct, but polite.
- Pay close attention to her actions, not her words.
- Know how to avoid these women, and when to walk away.
Hopefully, after reading this, you now have a much better grasp on how to handle (and get rid of, when warranted) women that are passive aggressive and do not assist you in your efforts with them. So, the next time you meet that flirty girl that plays too hard to get, you can put her to the ultimate test and minimize your efforts with her and maximize your returns with the “right” ones.
Cheers
NarrowJ
