As a hard case, I need some help starting out

hedge90

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
10
Hey guys.
I've been reading girlschase for a good while, but I only decided to post here now because I don't know what else to do. I'm basically spinning my tyres, and I need some advice, ideally from someone who was in the same situation as me and managed to overcome it.
So, some context. I'm 29, Eastern European (and living there). I was alone all my life, except for a single relationship with a 4/10 girl I was not attracted to at all. I had sex with a handful of other women but the ones I would have wanted a relationship with never wanted me back. I haven't had sex in a year, and in the past 3 years I had sex less than 10 times in total.
I have been combating low self-esteem all my life, and it's basically making my life a living hell. I see myself as a sexual reject, I feel practically invisible for attractive girls. Most other people, even those with low self-esteem, seem to still be able to hold on to the concept that in the end they are going to find someone where attraction is mutual, but I simply cannot believe it.
And don't misunderstand me: I know this is irrational. There have been attractive girls who liked me, and I'm not some freak, so I know that my thought patterns are irrational. But I still FEEL like that. I feel like hot girls look at me like how a princess would look at some dirty peasant. I feel entirely undeserving of an attractive girl. I know I could overcome this if at last I could actually DATE a hot girl and feel valued and wanted, but as of yet I do not have this reference experience.
This is the only area of life where I am struggling, and I am confident in any other field. I'm good at what I do, I am financially independent and do pretty well, I am in reasonable shape, I am also a good musician, etc. I'm not a loser in any other area, but I still cannot progress in this one.
The reason I decided to post here is that I have already decided so many times before that I would learn pickup, but I always fail even before really starting out. I go out there to meet women (I'd prefer daygame because I don't like club music), and as soon as I see a hot girl, I start to feel inadequate, inferior and invisible. I just feel like it's hopeless for me to even try. And when you are in this mindset, it is impossible to have faith in success.
So. What I need advice in is how can I overcome this obstacle that basically stops me dead in my tracks whenever I would make the first step? How do you convince yourself that you can do something, if your deep-seated lack of self-esteem constantly tells you that you are not good enough, not attractive enough?
Basically: how can I start out and make it through without really believing in success until I actually get some?
 

Fuck This

Cro-Magnon Man
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Jul 24, 2015
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2,092
Write yourself a letter of recommendation "Why you should date Hedge". Use this to reinforce your good points. Read it to yourself morning and night.

Realize you are above a lot of other men who don't have your skill, smarts and resources.

Realize that he only taste of success some people have is taking a bite out of you.

Spend some time everyday NOT trying to meet women. You will be amazed at how many times you will meet women during that time.

Remember, they are just girls. You can't help it if they don't see your value..

Become a student of human behavior. People watching is one of my favorite activities. Once you see how people act and react you start thinking about your own approaches. Don't judge your situation by what you see in Television and Movies. That is make believe.

Don't be down on yourself for being down on yourself...Realize you have high expectations and modify them accordingly.
 

JacobPalmer

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Jun 24, 2019
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375
Fuck This said it best, he's posted some good advice there, so I'll add a bit too it.

A lot of what you're feeling is in your head - somehow you've come up with this mental model that you're inadequate, when you aren't. Part of it is realising what you bring to the table, which is a lot. BUT, try to shift your mentality from wanting a girl to want you, to looking at it from - what can this girl provide me, is she right for me etc. You'll get there with time though.

On a side note, if you want to try a hard reset for some of the things you're thinking, then I recommend magic mushrooms (a small dose, like half of one). Bring some food and water, eat that half magic mushroom, find a park or somewhere enjoyable where you can just sit and think, and try and focus on the fact that you are worthy. Try that and it may bring you 80-90% towards your goal of fixing your mental model. It's a bit extreme but it has helped me before in times of duress.
 

ElderPrice

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Jun 11, 2018
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568
You seem too smart to have thoughts like that. So I have an interesting question for you: What advice would you give yourself?
 

naturalmikey

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jun 9, 2019
Messages
815
what do you look like? you need to honestly answer that question in order to determine your league at which point you can develop a strategy.

basically it's gonna come down to how you balance lover/provider game. the better looking you are the more aggressive you can be. looks aren't that important so long as you're not ugly. if you're ugly you need to accept that and make a lot of money.
 

hedge90

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
10
I appreciate the input guys, however, you can imagine that in such a long time, I have read about every kind of confidence-raising technique under the sun, and given that I'm still at the same place, they did not work for me.
I will simply not believe that I can get a hot girl until I actually get one, no matter how much I rationally debate it with myself or anyone else.
What I need help with is how to go out and approach with consistency WITHOUT BELIEVING that I'll succeed. I need some kind of psychological self-trick that will allow me to do this until I have my first real success and will know for sure that I can replicate it.

Also, to put my problem into a bit more context, I'll tell you what usually happens when I go out with the intention of daygaming.
I will go out and wander around - most of the time in malls -, trying to get IOIs from girls (I walk around trying to get some eye contact, which would indicate that the girl is open to be approached by me). Then when no hot girl even acknowledges my existence, my anxiety and self-doubt rises sky-high and I get into a hopeless, despaired state, telling myself things like "all hot girls think you are an ugly loser", "you will never know what it's like to date an attractive girl", etc. I start to feel like a hopeless failure of a man who is doomed to a life of frustration and unfulfilled yearnings.

I need some method of breaking out of this without being able to actually believe that it will work. I know this seems paradoxical, but that's just the way I am.

P.s.: I already tried shrooms. They give you powerful visions and a good boost, but all in all didn't alleviate my crippling anxiety. 2 days later I was back to square 1.
 

Toby2030

Cro-Magnon Man
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Sep 1, 2019
Messages
312
I went from being a virgin to having sex with 50 girls in about 2 years. I remember the feeling, and the mindset you are in right now. My doctor even told me I had mild social anxiety. It's hell tbh. Look, set yourself some goals and take control of your life. Learning game is hard, and getting to an advanced level fucking hard. If you want results in this game, you have to put some work in. I don't know your schedule but force yourself to go out AT LEAST 2 times per week. If you just go out, most of your problems will auto correct. If you can't make yourself go out, you will never get any results. Harsh, but the truth.

Approach anxiety is a funny thing - what you just have to learn is that people don't give a shit about you. Really. You might look at this negatively but really - that means you can do whatever you want and nobody will really care. Game is about emotions. At first go out, have fun, and get rejected. It's the rejection that will learn you that rejections don't mean shit. When you don't really care about the opinions of other people and you can express yourself freely, you are closer to your goal than you think. Then it's just a few technicalities and you'll easily be at an intermediate level.

tl:dr. Get in the field.
 

JP_

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Sep 1, 2019
Messages
12
Location
London
Yoo Hedge I understand what you are going through and I can relate. I remember a time where I felt it was impossible to get the women I really wanted. I could easily get a 6/10 but the 8's and above seemed impossible for me.

It was only until I decided to focus on myself, through training in the gym and making myself the most sexy, alpha version I could be did things change for me. I know it's a bit of a longer game but if you do things right you could change your whole appearance and sex appeal within 6 months. When you have that confidence in yourself women can smell it, trust me.

I would start with that bro, and watch your life change from there.
 

hedge90

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
10
JP_ said:
Yoo Hedge I understand what you are going through and I can relate. I remember a time where I felt it was impossible to get the women I really wanted. I could easily get a 6/10 but the 8's and above seemed impossible for me.

It was only until I decided to focus on myself, through training in the gym and making myself the most sexy, alpha version I could be did things change for me. I know it's a bit of a longer game but if you do things right you could change your whole appearance and sex appeal within 6 months. When you have that confidence in yourself women can smell it, trust me.

I would start with that bro, and watch your life change from there.


Hi JP, thanks for the response. Problem is, I'm already through that. This is one part of the problem: I have already done all those things people say to improve yourself. Of course there's always room for improvement, but after a level you start to see diminishing returns. For example if I focused SOLELY on the gym, I could probably add a few more pounds of muscle, but damn, I already went from a skinny-fat guy who could barely do 2 pull ups to lean and being able to do 10+ pull ups in one set. And nothing really changed in the women department.
I get where you come from, and I get that you have to have things in your life you're aspiring towards in order to feel good about yourself. This, in turn, makes you more confident. But the real change happens inside, when you start to FEEL deserving of the good things because of your achievements. And this is what is not happening for me. No matter what I achieve, I still don't feel deserving of this.
There's not much more I can do than to break through my walls in this area.
 

JP_

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Sep 1, 2019
Messages
12
Location
London
Hold on, so you are lean, ripped up, looking sexy and still no luck with women? Something isnt adding up here.

Why don't you
1) get on Tinder
2) post up 3 sexy looking pics with your abs out.
3) Swipe right on at least 30 girls a day for the next 7 days

See the results.

If that doesn't boost your confidence up then something isnt adding up for sure!
 

Michal

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jul 5, 2013
Messages
278
Someone once linked a reddit thread here how a good looking mascular dude had absolutely no success with women. It is not just looks. It helps, yes. But you will get then is IOIs. You still need to act on it. Vibe plays a big role too. Which comes from the inner. And people can feel how you feel. And this is what I think is one of the obstacles here with Hedge.
So let me share an anecdote here.
I entered an elevator and there was a girl and the moment I entered I felt broken, cold and "surprised". So I looked at her and she was visibly sad trying to hide it. So I just asked "if she is ok". She looked at me a bit caught off guard and said "yes." So I looked away, buf felt her looking at me. Also mirror in the elevator, she peripheral vision, yes she was still ooking. So before I left on my floor I just said that whatever happened to her I hope she will be ok and wished her well. And two seconds later she told me her boyfriend dumped her.
Point being if a dummy male brain like mine can feel these things, than I am pretty confident girls can sense stuff like this too. And amplified. So if Hedge feels he does not see himself like hot girls would like him, I would say they sense it and write him off.

@Hedge
Tbh there are two approaches. Outter and inner. The inner still needs some stuff to do, so in a way, it is an outter approach anyways. And Fuck This mentioned this. To start valuing yourself, you still need to take action. It is super dumb, I know, but stuff like standing in front of a mirror when you feel good and recite things you appreciate about yourself can work in the long run. The reason outter validation does not cut it often is because when we get a compliment, we cannot really accept it internally. We may say thank you to the person. But internally it is like "yea but that was just lucky/ I am really not that, last Thursday I did this super dumb shit". And for me it came down to the value system we have in ourselves. That is also why what Fuck This says will eventually target - you realizing you have value, because right now you most likely live under someone else's value system. Girls dont look at me = I am unnattractive. Would you say you are a pro at spotting girls who look at you?
Women are ninjas at looking at guys they like. They are insecure as well. They look at you once, you do not notice them so they think like "oh he did not check me out, I am ugly for him, I will close up, I dont want him to remind me that I cannot get a guy like him." ---- this is not all girls of course, but some think like that. My girl friends told me a lot about this. Even very attractive girl friends. Some girls actually eye ball and signal aggressively of course. They look at you deep in the eyes for like 7 seconds while riding the elevator.
But just as I was going to office this morning and thinking how to finish this wall of text, I remembered what Chase wrote - posture + her looking down after you make eye contact = she likes what she sees (maybe not in all situations). But when you pass a girl, look at each other for 2 seconds, and then shee looks down... that's it. So just put on a relaxed, satisfied face as if you just had a great meal, put some slight smile on and look at people as if they were weekend and you worked 16 hours a day and it was Friday afternoon :)
Lastly, you will need something that fuels you long term. I can get unmatched on Tinder after relatively nice convo because I sent one stupid text and it can ruin next 2 hours for me. If you are like that too, you will need something long term. Or more experience and more options - quality options. I feel really bad if it was one of the rare girls.
What helped me was to actually get a girl frield. She was like 7/10 to me, but it gave me some core peace with myself, that I used this and sling shot it to meet other girls in the beginning, casual, not serious time of our relationship. I was very open to meet new girls when I was seeing this one because I still felt like I want an 8/10. And because I was getting sex, I noticed girls looking at me more and being more submissive in my presence. Even when I was in McDonnalds, I was standing in line, got my order, said good bye to the cachier and group of girls behind me said good bye as well and then I heard something like "that guy was so nice looking". They were like 20, so too young for my taste nowadays. But this is a way of outter approach as well - getting a some "slightly there, almost fits your standards" kind of girl.

Quick stuff:
work out -- endorphins, manly goal to lift XY amount
mediate -- minimaze the random, unhelpful thoughts
eat fruit -- vitamins -> better mood
help other people -- super satisfying thing. Whatever you are good at, help others. Seriously try this one. Give advice, help, see how your actions affect lives of others. It will boost you like nothing else
keep sleep schedule -- go to bed and wake up at the same time every day.
drinking -- I allow myself only one beer if I go out with friends, seems to work nicely (up for your consideration)
 

Toby2030

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Sep 1, 2019
Messages
312
There's not much more I can do than to break through my walls in this area.[/quote]

You are placing too much value on looks. Looks helps you win more time when you open and a tiny bit on attraction. However, the vibe is what's the most important part. Pretty much what people are saying is that you should get your shit together and start working towards your goals. I agree. HOWEVER, just because he goes to the gym it doesn't directly solve his AA and his fundamentals. No matter what you have to start approaching and get rejected - it feels like you are trying to talk yourself away from this, but that's whats going to solve 95% of your sticking points. They will auto-correct. Your inner game is a product of your outer game.
 

hedge90

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
10
Hey guys, thanks for everyone's input.

Michal, I agree with much of what you said. My experience is that when for some reason I feel relaxed and good about myself, I suddenly start to get IOIs. I don't know whether it's because it's visible on my face or I also get them at other times but I lack the frame of mind to interpret them in a positive light.

Anyway, today after walking around for almost 3 hours, in the end I worked up the nerve and approached a girl who walked past me. Even though I didn't notice any IOI, she wasn't at all surprised by my approach - it was clear that she noticed me looking at her when we walked past. She was very receptive and gave me her number after a few minutes of chatting.

But the real success is that I have at last broken through this wall of mine. Now I just have to take care to maintain some momentum, because the longer the time between me approaching a new girl, the harder it gets.
 

Pitcher

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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123
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North Carolina, USA
hedge90 said:
today after walking around for almost 3 hours, in the end I worked up the nerve and approached a girl who walked past me....She was very receptive and gave me her number after a few minutes of chatting.

But the real success is that I have at last broken through this wall of mine. Now I just have to take care to maintain some momentum, because the longer the time between me approaching a new girl, the harder it gets.

THIS.

Those 3 hours must have felt like eternity. But in the end you stepped out into the void. Pure gold. Big time props bro!

Other advice I’d give you/reminders to myself:

-Celebrate taking action no matter what. You took action and approached? That’s a win. You’re nervous to call her and do it anyway? That’s a huge win. You find your edge, you surf your edge, you wipe out countless times, but then you conquer the wave. Get excited about the small victories because in the end those small victories are the necessary alchemical steps that teleport you to the top of your mountain.

-Find a buddy/wingman to go out with you. You can push each other, observe/critique each other, and hold each other accountable. The comraderie of team sports is priceless and can help drive you past your self-created limits. Humans are at their best when they are fighting for a cause beyond themselves. That’s why GirlsChase is even a thing.

-There is also immense value in going out solo and realizing the whole world is on your team anyway.
 
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