I only get interested in friends...

This post is about one girl in particular, but more-so the situation of 'mixed' signals and my ability to read them / act accordingly, when it specifically involves friends. I'm aware of the one-itis concept that is thrown about here. I probably do suffer from that - mainly because I literally don't feel much attraction to anyone until I know them fairly well. Yes, this sucks - perhaps I can force myself to change this disposition, but not sure how!

Anyhow, I think I heavily blew it with someone I was into - trying here to get some clarity on exactly where I went wrong and what to do next time!

I started crushing on a friend of mine about two months ago. I'd recently become single - suddenly we were hanging out constantly and doing day trips to places / events.
There was also one night we got prettty (drunk) touch feely (playing with hair, cuddling, etc). I essentially asked her back to my room (we lived in same complex until just now), but my excuse for doing so vanished at that *exact* moment - I probably should have pressed the issue in that moment, but instead asked her on what was a fairly obvious proper date. She said yes, but later in the week, when picking a time, she hit me with a "so, who else wants to come?"

Turns out there was some other guy she was hung up on who got back in touch, so presumably abruptly became less interested in me (... nice). Long-story short, it didn't work out with Dude 2.

I then went away for several weeks, but she messaged me every day about random stuff she was up to (which she never had before). Me, her, and a mutual friend then went on a trip that had been booked for ages. She and I were alone together the first day, while waiting for the third person to arrive.

She wouldn't make eye contact at all the entire morning, but I gradually softened her up. It got quite fun and then, just after lunch time, she sat down and paused for a moment. I guessed correctly that she was about to ask to go back to the apartment rather than explore the place (!). She did ask this, and I was more than happy to oblige. I was a bit confused because once we got back there, she seemed to keep her distance a bit, but also went off and brushed her teeth and cleaned herself up a bit before collapsing on a bed...

Given that she is a friend, and I was about to spend a week with her, I didn't want to just pounce on her there and then (perhaps another massive mindset fail).

Instead, I manoeuvred myself closer and put on some music. We started looking at things to do during the trip and at one point I started playing with her hair. She looked around in surprise, but I asked if she minded, and she said no, so I kept that up for a good while. At one point she leapt up, changed into her pyjamas and a huge scarf (?), and went and curled up in a ball on the big double bed, this time.

I wasn't really sure what to do, as her position was simultaneously pretty sexy but also quite inaccessible. She opened her eyes and caught me just starting at her, and said something like "hello" in a fairly low voice.

I also got changed and went to lie next to her. In my head, there was a lot of tension, but then she just repelled my attempts to get closer and eventually actually went to go to sleep for real!

Next, the third person arrived. She stopped making eye contact with me, and practically ignored me all week. Yet, whenever we were left alone, she would start singing nervously or start a conversation with me immediately about something random. I caught her taking pictures of me from afar various times, even as she was very hesitant to walk next to me or be in pictures together.

Now she's moving to live about an hour away, which feels like curtains. Though, when saying goodbye, she gave me a hug and said that if I was ever in town, to let her know and we could 'go on an adventure'.

All thoughts welcome! In particular, I'm wondering:

1) What to do to stop only becoming interested in friends

2) How to mentally deal with the likelihood that making moves on friends is going to cause awkwardness / diffuse any awkwardness and make things happen, if you are going to go for it

3) Did I completely misread the girl in this example? Completely miss my chance? Do I still *HAVE* a chance with her? (doubtful, but hey wouldn't put it past me to misread this, too)

Thanks!

I will reply to get the party started but since I have been out of the game for a while it may not be much use.

To me it sounds like she likes you but she may not be totally comfortable doing anything with you in front of the shared group. Is everyone else in the group aware that you are interested in her and also cool with it ? I find that in these situations you often need to make it obvious ... you can do this in a tongue in cheek way ... maybe throwaway comments like "I am only here because of I wanted to play spin the bottle with X" or something like that delivered in front of the group. This way they all know you're into her but also you joking about it and it's not something sneaky or embarrassing.

If she is real friend then I do not think that you have screwed things up. In my experience the sexual tension often (but not always) survive things like this.

In the meantime go out and date and game as much as possible, this will probably help with points 1 and 3. If you start sleeping with other girls and increase your confidence she will certainly notice !!

Regarding point 2, like I said above, maybe you need to shift peoples perception of you within the group ... I do not know what would work with you but lets say you start to go for the loveable player. Maybe if you never talked about dating and relationships in a group situation start doing so. Maybe start to state or show your attraction to girls within the group in a more obvious way so they see you as a guy that may try to kiss them, this should hopefully make things easier if and when you decide to do so.

Apologies if I have misread the situation or your character, if so just discount this !

sumwunimetonce said:

I will reply to get the party started but since I have been out of the game for a while it may not be much use.

Click to expand...

Thanks for the response!

No need to apologise - those are all fair points! I got out of a 5 yr relationship 2 months ago, so quite out of 'practice', too. It's quite interesting, actually - I have noticed so many more girls that are clearly somewhat interested in me than I ever did before. Probably I am just looking, now. Nonetheless, I don't feel attracted to most of them, so far - it is probably a question of just meeting more and getting used to this dynamic again. I just still feel mentally more comfy with friends, but I intend to work on that - and myself in general.

Regardless of that, I don't think I'd be hung up on this particular girl if she wasn't so hot... I think many of my friends developed a thing for her at one point (but she ain't easy - far from it).

You might be right that she perhaps specifically felt awkward expressing any interest in me in front of the others. I guess the changes were SO marked that it felt like she was intentionally distancing herself from me to communicate no interest, but then you have how she acted on the first day. Moreover, the fact that she changed her tune every single time we were left alone definitely confused me.

Sounds like perhaps she was just more confident in that situation? If she had indeed been actively trying to demonstrate no interest, she presumably wouldn't have suddenly stated making eye contact and striking up conversation when alone? She did this even when there was no social pressure to have a conversation, almost as if she felt compelled to. I can't think of one time we were left alone where she didn't do this.

Final point on that: she was reasonably comfortable interacting with me in front of people a few weeks ago. She was even following me about and staying behind after others had left to spend time with me. It just felt quite different (as described) on the trip, for whatever reason. I was definitely on her mind - in what way, exactly, I'm still not sure. Note that unfortunately she is a naturally indecisive person - once she's in, she's in, but making decisions for her has been a year long saga of hesitation. The problem might be that, with the possibility to make something happen in her hands, she can't decide what to do with that power. (((I most definitely should've just taken her back to my place ages ago when I had the chance - lesson learned)))

So far, I've reacted to it all by just staying chill and not bothering her much? Plan is to let her decide to re-initiate (or not - some friend if so, lol) after completing her move away, and in the mean time look for other people, as you suggest!