Living my 20s in reverse, manchild, six figure job to nightclub worker.

I almost feel like I am headed on a path where I am living my life in reverse so I can have the hedonistic sleazebag player experience I always wanted. It's like when I was in high school, all I wanted was to be the polished wealthy guy with money but the older I got, the more I realized how shitty it all was. Obviously missed out on the college experience and that drove me to the brink of insanity.

Right now I am approaching my mid-20s and while I am doing better than average for my age financially, I feel as if I am living my life in reverse. I envied the guys in college that were in frats or bartended and even now, I feel like I rather be a bartender in a college town at the age of 28 as opposed to a millionaire in a big city. Maybe it is because all the business guys and polished guys I know are a bunch of fucking losers who don't really have a ton of girls around them and aren't showing up to events with lots of hot girls.

The thing is, I don't even want to fuck hot girls as much as I want to be the guy that is perceived as fucking a lot of hot girls. It's not even that, I feel like I desperately want to be a part of that hedonist sleazebag douchebag drink party drugs and casual sex crowd, like that is all I really want from life, along with the social media popularity. The idea of being around other adults disgusts me because it makes me barf whenever someone mentions settling down.

At times, I have fantasized about even giving up a six figure career just so I can live the hedonist dream but in my head I feel as if I am living my life in reverse. Throwing away opportunities to be rich just so I can have the hedonist experience. I sometimes wonder how many more guys out there are like this and how bad life is going to be after 30 for me because of my ambitions.

I don't want a wife or even an LTR, I rather get cancer.

I don't want kids, I rather get shot in the head.

All I want for my 30s is hedonism, hedonism, pure hedonism in the form of casual sex, alcohol overdoses, friends that want the same thing, and practically the long-term relationship I want is with Satan.

Like I can't be the only one.

Eat it with a big spoon bro. You will be full eventually. If you tie it with making money, like Dan Bilzerian with his insta, you gonna be both a hedonist and a rich guy.

One note about being perceived as something. I got to a point in life where I was putting on a facade couple years back. About 10 years ago, back in my youth, people around me were quite nasty, putting me down and disrespecting me. So while the best defense would be to simple bite it, work on everything and get somewhere to be respected, I actually started to fake it instead. Gradually I have developed this facade and trust me when I say this, you don't really want it. And here is why:
1) you might seem like you have all this and that but in reality, deep inside, you know that you are not really on that level of success. You are putting up a front. Like.. I was somewhat buff 5 years ago, perfect proportions for my height and guys around me thought that just putting my shirt off is game over and girls suddenly start swirlling around my dick. I was a virgin back then. Never even told a girl I liked her in person.
2) you realize down the way that you don't really give a shit what people think about you. You give a shit what your life is like.
3) people who are in your actual reach will think you are out of their reach and behave accordingly - usually in ways which protect their ego.
4) eventually, you will get tired of this pretending and faking it if you do not back it up with real results.

To sum up, don't go chasing the perception, it results in building walls and shields. I did not know that when I was like 19 when I noticed I needed to do changes. You should chase the goal, and not the perceived results that come with reaching that goal. So go do what many guys here told you to do over the course of the last year.