How to get someone to fall OUT of love with you

mirj23

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 24, 2019
Messages
23
Hey guys,

I posted this on the one date forum as well, but figured I'd try here to see how much traffic it gets, as I could really use the input.

A little bit of background with where I'm at:
I've been dating a girl for a while now - amazing personality, really attractive, and super into me too. Now, I am into her as well, but the interest has always been a little lopsided. I started off the relationship saying that I only wanted an open one, but she never wanted to be with anyone other than me, and while she tried it for a bit, eventually she would break down when i would go out with other girls. I never wanted to hurt her, and at that point I felt like the pros of exclusively being with her outweighed the cons. So, I became monogamous with her.

That was about three years ago, but while I've consistently had doubts about being in a relationship with her, I've reached the point where I know it'd be best for both parties if we separated. We fight very frequently (about smaller things though), have different desires for children, as well as very different religious stances. Her dad's a pastor, and she would need to have children and take them to church as well as marry me eventually in order for him to be happy - which is critical to her. I tried breaking up with her about a year ago, but she then talked about how much she needed me to feel safe and begged me to stay together with her while sobbing, and I couldn't do it. The way she talks about me sometimes is as if I am the only thing that keeps her alive, and thats a real sensitive spot for me. I had a brother commit suicide around 3.5 years ago, and that has since left me feeling as if I need to protect people. That combined with the remnants of love I still feel for her, and you can see why it is hard for me to simply say, "We're done."

So, I've come to the conclusion that the best path to take is to get her to break up with me. As stupid/cowardly/unrealistic as it sounds, I genuinely feel as though if I don't get her to fall out of love with me, I'll never be able to leave the relationship, for fear of her ultimately being so distraught that she takes her life. I know that the vastttt majority of relationships end in disappointment/sadness that eventually fades, but given my history, I just don't see myself being able to break up with this particular girl at this particular point in my life. Now, I can't just be an asshole to her, as that would probably hurt her just as much as breaking up I think. Rather, I want her to lose attraction to me, physically and emotionally. But I don't quite know how to go about doing this, since she is so invested in me and has known me for about 4 years.

I know this question might seem a little silly, and to be honest, if I were reading this post from someone else, I might be inclined to think that they were just being a coward for not simply breaking up with their gf when they want to, but the amount that this girl is into me is really intense. I feel like the relationship needs to end, but I can't see myself accepting and coping with my brother's death/the remaining protective feelings anytime soon, so I could really use some help.

Thanks for reading a long and weird post,

Jake
 

Fuck This

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jul 24, 2015
Messages
2,092
You are at a decision point for you. you gave a number of reasons you did not have a long term potential. It is up to you to let her know and follow through.

Somewhere I read it takes 7 attempts on average to break up.

There arenumerous GC articles on the subject
 

mirj23

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 24, 2019
Messages
23
Thanks for the advice man, I appreciate it. And Ill look into those articles. Ive read some of them but not all. I dont know why pulling the trigger here is so hard for me. Ive broken up with girls before, although not too recently. Im just really terrified that she wont recover. Shit sucks.
 

mirj23

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 24, 2019
Messages
23
Just wanted to bump the thread, because while I really appreciated the reply, it's always good to have a variety of opinions.

Thanks again for whoever takes the time to read the post.
 

Fluxcapacitor

Modern Human
Modern Human
Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
780
Jake dude! A read ya post when ya originally put it up but felt fuck this gave a solid response. A agree with him that this is something ya have to follow through on or ya may never get out. Ya job as a leader is to make difficult decisions an to be strong with them.

What ya overlooking here is ya have a lot of investment an compliance from this girl over the years an that can't be undone. To get her to break up with ya ya would have to cross a line that she wouldn't accept, but if she's too invested she might move that line. It would take a lot of effort that's not going to be beneficial for either of ya.

A can relate a little to ya, a knew my ex had attempted to end her life years before a met her an had some demons. When we broke up she apparently thought about doing it again. We got back together for a little while an split again, she called to beg for another chance but a wouldn't take her back. There was a moment during the phone call that a was worried about her an if she would do something stupid. A didn't know if it was a shit test or serious but she wasn't in a good state. She was a cluster B girl that a should never have got involved with! Either way it was a difficult thing to deal with so a don't envy ya.

There's a breakup article by chase where ya explain that it's not working, ya explain that ya happy to have shared ya memories but it's over. It's like a nice parting statement. Sweet way to break up!

Or there's another one where ya tell them there's an issue an they have to fix it. It's a warning shot to give a heads up an then they're more accepting of the split cause they feel they have a chance to change ya mind. Good luck dude
 

Will KZ

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jun 24, 2015
Messages
49
I also dated a girl with an attempted suicide in her history, whether it was real or a cry for attention I do not know. What I do know is that at one point in the relationship she threatened to do it again if I didn't acquiesce to some demand I don't even recall. I left her the next morning, knowing that I could have her dead body on my conscience, and I felt like a piece of shit. But I also knew I wasn't going to let myself get extorted - was I going to start a family with a woman I didn't want too just because she had a metaphorical gun pointed at her head - was I going to go through an entire life like that?

So I left and she's still alive years later, women tend to be much stronger than you think they are, this girl will survive without you. Maybe you feel bad about being selfish, but you have to understand that she's also being selfish - putting her needs above yours. You have to understand there's no way out of the relationship without it hurting for her, and the longer you continue, likely the more pain there will be.

Consider Nietzsche's idea of eternal recurrence - the idea that you have to live the life you're living now over and over again for eternity, exactly the same. How would you treat this girl if you knew you would be stuck treating her this way for all eternity?

As for getting her to fall out of love with you without crossing a line, if you'd still rather go down that path - just act submissively and indecisively and asexually with her and within a couple years you'll be married and a few years later divorced.
 

mirj23

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 24, 2019
Messages
23
Hey Will,

I dont know what happened, but i didnt see ur reply until now. I guess the email notification didnt come through. Anyways, i just wanted to say that i appreciate the reply. Im still struggling with the decision, but I hope that that will get resolved soon. All of the advice really helps.

Jake
 
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