Issues on my part in bed

Michal

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Jul 5, 2013
Messages
278
Hello,
recently, I spent a night with a girl. We had sex at night and then again in the morning after we woke up. I masturbated 2 days before this because I was worried I would finish too fast. The reality is I could not come at all. My dude was like 80% hard most of the time and that is my main issue. There were moments where I could not even push it inside her after switching positions because I was not completely hard and her pussy was really tight on the enterance. I was not able to feel much during the sex but I attribute that to the condom. I am not sure whether it was my not fully hard dick.. or whether her pussy is simply not that tight deep inside. I think it was the combination of the three. Even when she gave me a blowjob, I could not feel how hard I was properly. She had to give me a handjob for like 5 minutes in the morning to make me orgasm.

One thing I noticed over the years is that I can rarely feel like my brain has some blood deficit and it is all inside my dick. I felt this sometimes, but I think this could be a symptom of the problem. I have lower sex drive in general, maybe because of the porn. What I tried during that night was simply to think about cumming inside her. But it did not seem to help. She also said she never had an orgasm from vaginal stimulation so she had to make herself cum while being on top of me. Btw she is the first girl I had sex with after a very long time and I was quite nervous. And this issue was there the last time I had sex with a girl as well but it was a bit better this time. But I hoped it would go away by now.

Anyways, I have not watched porn in last 3 or 4 months, last time I did it was like 20 seconds anyways and it got me aroused fairly quickly. There was time where regular porn did not do much anymore.

So what I want to try is to workout more to get my testosterone pumping more.
Think about her more, disregard her personality and view her purely as a sex object in my mind.
Maybe eat more fruits or meals that help with arousal like bananas and strawberries etc.
Lower the stress at work.
Meditate to lower the stress more.

Anything else to get my dick fully raging again?
I have read pretty much all the articles on the main site about related topics.
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
750
This is not scientifically proven yet, but I read about an Iranian study where men with low sperm count ate different kind of anti-oxidants to increase their testosterone and their sperm count through life style. Guess a vegetable that could increase them? Raw onion. I decided one day in 2017 or 2018 to give it a try just for fun and did the unexpected: ate a half onion raw. What happened? A couple of hours later and for the next two days, I could feel the blood rush through my dick hard almost the whole time. It took next to nothing to get it hard. My ejaculate could get more watery. I don't know of other side effects, so don't do this unless you're willing to really give it a go. I still do this sometimes like once or twice every year because it's fun =)

With that said, another tip would be to stop caring so much about a particular outcome. Don't think about her or about you ejaculating. There's a chance you will end up building expectations for your meetings with her, and that could contribute to more nervousness which could lead to performance anxiety and less chance of full hard-ons and ejaculation. See that? Instead, enjoy the experience, and whatever happens, happens. Free yourself of all the expectations you have for the bed gymnastics. It might not work immediately, but think about the long term here.

Are you masturbating regularly (even without porn)? If so, try to quit that as well for at least a week. Testosterone is usually at its highest 7 day after the last ejaculation.

Michal said:
There were moments where I could not even push it inside her after switching positions because I was not completely hard
You can take a small break when you switch positions. I sometimes have to do that as well because my man can get like 10-20% softer in the same position after a while. Then she and I use that break to get the sexual tension higher, and I get ready to dive in again.

Michal said:
I was not able to feel much during the sex but I attribute that to the condom
If that's the case, you can use lube, get her more wet or buy condoms even tighter than the ones you are using now.
Are the condoms too tight already? Then consider looser ones.

Hope these tips will help you! Let us know how it goes.
 

Seppuku

Tribal Elder
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Michal said:
Hello,
recently, I spent a night with a girl. We had sex at night and then again in the morning after we woke up. I masturbated 2 days before this because I was worried I would finish too fast. The reality is I could not come at all. My dude was like 80% hard most of the time and that is my main issue. There were moments where I could not even push it inside her after switching positions because I was not completely hard and her pussy was really tight on the enterance. I was not able to feel much during the sex but I attribute that to the condom. I am not sure whether it was my not fully hard dick.. or whether her pussy is simply not that tight deep inside. I think it was the combination of the three. Even when she gave me a blowjob, I could not feel how hard I was properly. She had to give me a handjob for like 5 minutes in the morning to make me orgasm.

One thing I noticed over the years is that I can rarely feel like my brain has some blood deficit and it is all inside my dick. I felt this sometimes, but I think this could be a symptom of the problem. I have lower sex drive in general, maybe because of the porn. What I tried during that night was simply to think about cumming inside her. But it did not seem to help. She also said she never had an orgasm from vaginal stimulation so she had to make herself cum while being on top of me. Btw she is the first girl I had sex with after a very long time and I was quite nervous. And this issue was there the last time I had sex with a girl as well but it was a bit better this time. But I hoped it would go away by now.

Anyways, I have not watched porn in last 3 or 4 months, last time I did it was like 20 seconds anyways and it got me aroused fairly quickly. There was time where regular porn did not do much anymore.

So what I want to try is to workout more to get my testosterone pumping more.
Think about her more, disregard her personality and view her purely as a sex object in my mind.
Maybe eat more fruits or meals that help with arousal like bananas and strawberries etc.
Lower the stress at work.
Meditate to lower the stress more.

Anything else to get my dick fully raging again?
I have read pretty much all the articles on the main site about related topics.

Hey Michal,

Frankly I wouldn't worry about this - unless it is happening every single time.

We are not machines. Sometimes we're simply not aroused, or we had a bad day. Plus, in your case, you were anxious. And there's the condom, which doesn't help.

But when that happens - it does, once in a while - we tend to make it much worse by trying to fight it heads on. The more you try to fight the problem, the bigger it grows in your head, and the harder it becomes. The best strategy, when you're with a girl and have a problem getting hard, is to simply do something else. Leave the sex for later and stop thinking about it. And try again after 30 minutes or an hour. Other things you can try:
  • licking her pussy - it has erotic effect on me at least
  • lying her on her belly and rubbing your dick against her ass - sort of masturbating on her

You did a very good thing ditching the porn.

For your testosterone, yeah, start lifting weight but also pay attention to your diet, and macro nutrients. For instance, testosterone is built by the body from dietary cholesterol, so you need to ingest a minimum amount of healthy fats in your diet. No matter how much protein you eat, if your diet is low fat, you won't build enough testosterone!

On this topic, I recommend you take a look at Triple Your T and other resources in this site.

Alright I would not worry too much about it.

Seppuku
 

Michal

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jul 5, 2013
Messages
278
Thank you guys for the responses.

We met again yesterday and had sex again. I described it below with some findings. (Btw. I forgot mention that my OP was the first time with her).

Regarding your points - onion: I might try that, it seems a bit strange, I have never heard about this so good to know and have knowledge of this.
Healthy fats. I eat a lot of peanut butter so I get about 70 grams of healthy fats a day. My diet got a bit worse since I got the job 2 years ago. I also heard about beetroot - hope that is the right word.. the red thing they put with risotto in canteenas sliced on cubes :) it should help with sperm count as well. Btw sorry about typos, I am on my phone

Anyways, about yesterday we got talking more, about multitude of things and sex as well and what she needs out of someone in bed, in a relationship and stuff like that. She mentioned how she was engaged once, said yes and then broke it off. She actually said yes in the heat of the moment, she was negatively surprised by the guy, it did not feel right (meaning the situation). Point being she feels like this is a big red flag and if I am ok with that. Now back to my issue. I told her I dont really worry about the proposal. Or her exes or whatever. I am more concerned with our situation and if it does not get better in bed that it will and between really quickly between us. And she said she understands and that she will do what she can to help me. But again mentioned that she cannot be like a mother hen, she has this at work.

So I flipped her on bed, we kissed for like 5 minutes and then undressed and wanted to have sex. But I could not get hard so I simply started to go down on her. I am fairly inexperienced in licking the pussy but I kinda felt her and at one point she asked me if I want to do her this way. And I said sure. So she said she is quite close that she will tell me when to stop and she will push me away. Told me to put more pressure into it. So after about 3 minutes I made her orgasm. Then we laid down and spooned. She mentioned she cannot remember when someone made her cum like that with a tongue but the mentioned 2 of her exes so I took it is as just not that uncommon. Then we talked about the hard-on issue. I told her about my traumatic experience in childhood, how I watched porn and such. And she mentioned she sometimes feels like I am not that it seems it does not turn me on that much, that I do not seem to enjoy it that much. So I told her about porn again. But then we got closer, we started kissing much slowly and it made me progressively harder and harder. So I told her, I felt much better, she turned around and guided my dick to her ass from behind and pushed it inside her pussy. We tried this position for couple of minutes and the she rolled over to lay on her belly where I am on top and fuck her from behind. There was a point where I felt like I was close to cum but I just could not. But it felt great, I could feel her tightness more.

We switched positions then, I was on top. We were kissing a lot and then tried Chase's adapted missionary again. I ducked her like this for about 10 minutes. But at some point I felt I was getting softer so I stopped. We kissed and then I thought that what I need is to associate the orgasm with her. Not me, shower and my hand. So I told her to do me with her hand while I was raised above her. I was looking at her, in her eyes, she did the same. And she made me cum after about 3 minutes. And even typing it now, even when my dick is still asleep from yesterday, I can feel some blood going there.
So anyone reading this wall of text, I would suggest this as well. Make sure to with the girl.

Other than that I will ckeck the performance anxiety article again. I know how anxiety feels, and I do not thin like I felt it. But it is on my mind somewhat. I am more focused on what to do particularly like "ok now we will kiss, now lets break it, tease her a bit, get off her dress, kiss her neck, push her on the bed, climb on top of her with intention of more kissing, now down to her neck" stuff like that. Maybe I need to focus more on the feeling of it. I also noticed that when we kiss slowly or our lips just touch I get aroused more.
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
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Messages
750
Sounds awesome, Michael! Hope things have gone better since your last post.

Have you tried to prolong your foreplay as well?
 

Michal

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Messages
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Lover said:
Sounds awesome, Michael! Hope things have gone better since your last post.

Have you tried to prolong your foreplay as well?
Yea, foreplay could have been longer I think. We decided to end things 3 weeks ago so it did not really last. It was mostly her decision but I saw some issues as well which would tank potential relationship in the future. So we talked, I realized the porn problem is deeper than I thought and when I see a real beauty it is not actual attraction, it is actually intimidation by her looks. But I got some reference points, I see that there is sooo much I need to work on and it made me a bit sad.

She told me later that night that she slept with 57 people. Started at 15. Has 3 degrees, 2 masters and is working on 4th which is MBA. Teaches German in free time, does ballet, yoga, is learning Swedish.. and is a manager of 20 people. All that as a 26 year old. So from a certain point of view, I dont think we were a good match. I am more on the passive side and she is super busy. I have only work, working out and not enough dominance for her. And I slept with 2 girls so.. bed skills are bad as well.

Anyways, I think that I need to repair my dopamin responses. I am not embarassed I could not get hard, I am just not satisfied with that and need to change it. So far, meditations only make me more present but after about 3 to 4 weeks, I am not as horny as I thought I should be. Day 5 was hard, day 6 too. Then afrer about 10 days I was a bit horny too, but after about 2 weeks of no masturbation I felt more like I did not need to pursue the release. Now, I have the focus, but not the horniness. And it is weird.. I think there is something broken with me. Maybe my childhood trauma still plays a role in that.

Anyone in a similar position? Where real girls do not turn you on as much as they probably should?

Meditation every morning, no jacking off for 4 weeks, working out 3-4 times a week and eating bananas does not seem to provide much in terms of horniness, only focus and energy.
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Messages
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Michal said:
So we talked, I realized the porn problem is deeper than I thought and when I see a real beauty it is not actual attraction, it is actually intimidation by her looks.

Can you elaborate on this?

Michal said:
She told me later that night that she slept with 57 people. Started at 15. Has 3 degrees, 2 masters and is working on 4th which is MBA. Teaches German in free time, does ballet, yoga, is learning Swedish.. and is a manager of 20 people. All that as a 26 year old. So from a certain point of view, I dont think we were a good match. I am more on the passive side and she is super busy. I have only work, working out and not enough dominance for her. And I slept with 2 girls so.. bed skills are bad as well.

There is quite the difference, I'll give you that. But if you had more sexual experience, the difference in how you and she approach life won't matter. Think about when girls sleep with the guy on vacation or from a bar with no value but sexual. Think she cares one bit about his achievements in life if he rocks her world in bed, even if only for one night?

As for the rest of your post, I'm amazed that you did all that and still no increased horniness?! At that level of work, I would have my dick hard every minute of the day. Sounds like you'll have to do some serious digging into your past traumas. Looking forward to hear about your development...!
 

Michal

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Messages
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Lover said:
Michal said:
So we talked, I realized the porn problem is deeper than I thought and when I see a real beauty it is not actual attraction, it is actually intimidation by her looks.

Can you elaborate on this?
Yea. I would say I noticed this in correlation with my satisfaction with anything I do really. I would argue this comes from my childhood where I was good at everything I touched and all the other kids starting resenting me and putting me down for being good. And as a sensitive little boy, it got to me and I stopped celebrating my good results (even though I never was the kind to pat myself on the back as a kid if something went well). So I think it resulted in me downplaying my own achievements and later with lower dopamine responses and good feelings.

How does this relate to the attraction and intimidation?
I think it requires a lot of detail to describe. Given this emotional sensitivity I think it took like 20% of damage a regular guy would need from porn or other "validation sources" lets say to be affected as I am by external stimuli like sexy pictures, video games or porn. So sometimes I masturbated just to get that feeling. Which then meant I was not associating the orgasm feeling with girls but with a picture of a girls with big boobs and cleavage. And my bad social skills and value meant I did not have girls in my life. Which means whenever I encountered a good looking girl, I got this fuzzy excitement because of the scaricity. And due to the learning and associating the pleasure with pictures and later porn, I did not feel anything in my crotch, or any sexual energy in my torso or pelvic area. It was always this warm and fuzzy and nervous excitement in my torso (mixed with fear in my belly sometimes). And I had that realization when I went down the street and there was a really attractive girl standing next to a building I was walking toward. She was playing and caressing her hair, looking and turned my way, acting as if she was waiting for something and it was not there. And I really had this intimidation feeling and fear of "losing" for some reason. A need to puff my chest out more and act the coolest I could. But there was some sort of fear as well. I think I was attracted. However, it seems like the regular girls do nothing for me and the beautiful ones are too much excitement because I trained myself through drawing only the ones which I found perfect. (I used to draw girls for about 5 years). So when I see a girl who makes me feel this excitement, I am never like "I want to bend her over and do her", even if she has amazing ass. If I think about it, the sexual energy is not there for some reason or not that strong. Sometimes it is, but not enough to make me hard. And based on the sexual desire being this weak, combined with overstimulating my brain when I was a teen... I conclude that what I feel is more of a scaricity mixed with pleasureable feeling caused by pleasing visuals of her rather than sexual desire.

Now you might think I am overanalyzing and rationalizing this, which might be true. But I need to tackles this. I need to fix this. I gave up masturbation completely now, I plan on giving up any online dating apps, simply because I feel the desire when I see some really hot girl with great body on Tinder. Again.. a picture... Also working out more and simply thinkinking about sex more, using the memories of the girls I have slept with. I am kinda sluggish with eating bananas or strawberries. I need to find something on desentization to restart and repair my brain.

Lover said:
Michal said:
She told me later that night that she slept with 57 people. Started at 15. Has 3 degrees, 2 masters and is working on 4th which is MBA. Teaches German in free time, does ballet, yoga, is learning Swedish.. and is a manager of 20 people. All that as a 26 year old. So from a certain point of view, I dont think we were a good match. I am more on the passive side and she is super busy. I have only work, working out and not enough dominance for her. And I slept with 2 girls so.. bed skills are bad as well.

There is quite the difference, I'll give you that. But if you had more sexual experience, the difference in how you and she approach life won't matter. Think about when girls sleep with the guy on vacation or from a bar with no value but sexual. Think she cares one bit about his achievements in life if he rocks her world in bed, even if only for one night?

As for the rest of your post, I'm amazed that you did all that and still no increased horniness?! At that level of work, I would have my dick hard every minute of the day. Sounds like you'll have to do some serious digging into your past traumas. Looking forward to hear about your development...!
I noticed this when I was pondering about social value and how some people hang out with some some specific people and are not that interested in other ones.
We have a collegue who went to Japan with friends and he came back with bunch of stories. Not that many people really cared. And I felt I was not that interested in asking how the trip was as well. Another collegue went to Zanzibar and had similar stories but people were excited when he came back from the vacation. I cannot put my finger on it (maybe it is the value), like what is the difference. One is considered cool, the other who went to Japan is considered regular. Maybe the energy they exude. Emotions have a wave length so if someone is nervous, people can feel that, just like when someone is happy.
Other than that, I see your point. It would not matter.
 

jakesykes949

Space Monkey
space monkey
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Mar 5, 2019
Messages
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A few thoughts, man...

First off, for lasting longer do kegels. It will take a while to work, but after a month you'll be lasting way longer.

Second, it doesn't really matter if you cum quickly the first time. Just make it about her and make her cum.

I personally make every girl squirt/cum by using my fingers and a vibrator before I even penetrate them with my dick.

If you don't last that long the first time, it's not a big deal. Just go for rounds 2 and 3 and you'll keep lasting longer.

Also - learn how to be an asshole in bed. Even when I only last 2-3 minutes sometimes, girls still love it, because it's a raw, passionate, intense, and dominant form of sex.

You can also use kratom to last longer, or maybe get prescribed viagra, lol. Lots of guys last longer on viagra, or can at least bang 3-4x over the course of a few hours.
 
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