How to turn a friends with benefits into a girlfriend?

Cassy

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Oct 9, 2015
Messages
63
Location
Somewhere in Africa
So what do you do if you've been fucking around with this girl but she just wont let you date her no matter how good you fuck her. She just doesnt want a relationship with you? But i'v met her friends, sisters and even her mother! Whats a guy to do?
 

ray_zorse

Modern Human
Modern Human
Joined
Aug 12, 2014
Messages
1,986
Location
Australia
What we generally teach here is NOT to seek a relationship, instead to keep it as "just sex" for as long as possible, with the (implicit or explicit) understanding that both parties are free to have sex or indeed relationship with others. That is, to keep it as "friends with benefits".

This does a lot of good things for you. Foremost, you get lots of sex with different women, and who doesn't want lots of sex and variety? Further, you get it with little to no obligation, and who wants obligation? (There is some moral obligation as a high value man to use your power fairly and wisely, set expectations correctly, etc).

More importantly it gives a favourable power balance in the relationship, thus if you want monogamy you are advised to bide your time and wait until she asks for it, only giving in after a time and some pressure from her.

In the meantime she is more attracted to you, as a man with more sex and more choice is powerful and women are mainly attracted to power. A man with one girlfriend or potential girlfriend who worries about keeping her is needy and dependent and hence not powerful or attractive. Although she may complain and make drama, deep down she WANTS you to bypass that drama and do what the fuck you like, since a guy who caves in to drama is not a good protector and/or may have weak genes.

Also from her side she is on best behaviour as she knows that if she becomes flaky or bitchy or tests you too much you will simply turn to another girl in your rotation. So she becomes accustomed to treating you like a prince, a habit which sticks to some extent if you move into a relationship. Women don't tend to do polyamoury much, so she is likely to chase her highest value prospect (you) for commitment, and thus becomes the needy and dependent one, which is cute in a woman (not a man).

For your part, continuing to approach and maintain a steady rotation of FWBs and potential GFs is a powerful way to keep the neediness out of your mindset. A common saying in the PU community is GFTOW -- go fuck ten other women... for you, I suggest to do this and then see how keen you are to convert your FWB to GF!

In the FWB you have to mind some things which have apparently been an issue for you: DON'T do datey things, be seen in public or meet family! Since I LIKE doing these things and find the relationship a bit sterile without them, I wasn't good at maintaining FWBs and tended to be more of a serial monogamist, a habit which caused me all sorts of problems! Try to train yourself out of it. The reason you don't do these things is it gives her a "relationship pathway" -- she sees progress in locking you in, and progress in a relationship can never be rolled back, if you want to go more casual then do it with a new woman, or drama and eventual auto-rejection ensues.

In your case there is a bit of a weird dynamic, as she introduced you to family (normally a relationshippy move) but doesn't seem to want lock-in. This could be because you already knew her family before you met her, or because she sees you more in the friendzone but screwed you for lack of other options, or because she is one of those rare chicks who DOES do polyamoury well. Or maybe option D that I'm not aware of (please explain).

Anyway, if you are getting sex leave it alone. Focus on improving your value and your rotation (also look into attainability, just in case that is the issue here, although there is nothing in your post to indicate that so far).

And if it ain't broke, don't fix it!

cheers, Ray
 
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