Help needed! Girl I’m seeing found out about me banging another chick

Finn2018

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Sep 18, 2018
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For the last 4 months I have been seeing a girl who has a bf. she took a break from her bf about 2 months ago and we’ve basically seeing each other a lot and started fucking. She hasn’t officially broken up yet, on a break, and the guy is tying to get back. But recently we started to fight a little bit, she says I’m coming on too strong, too much texting etc, which I admit and we resolved. We had a couple of blow ups in last weeks, where I have finished with her or she finished with me but then we would meet a few days later and resolve the issues. I put those little fights down to aligning expectations etc.

During this time she said mutilple times that I am free to see other girls, and she has pretty much pushed back on any attempts from me to close her down into an exclusive relationship. But last week she found out I fucked another girl, she asked me about it and I said no... but she could tell I was lying and I eventually admitted it later. But she said i’d Lied to her face. So now she is really pissed and wants to break things off. That’s despite her previously saying it’s ok for me to see other girls.

Anyways, I really like this girl a lot, we’ve had a tough 2 months with emotional shit she is going through, she still hasn’t dumped the bf for good and that has created lot of emotional problems for her (and me). He’s tying like hell to get back with her and dumping lots of baggage on her, while I’m obviously tying to get with her too and putting little bit of pressure, so she’s a bit emotionally messed up right now. So her finding out about me banging some other chick has come at a really bad time and has sent her over the edge. Said she felt betrayed etc.

I’m meeting her tomorrow for a make or break meeting (well, I think so) but she already told that she doesn’t have the “energy to fight for this anymore” etc and is really pissed. Any advice is appreciated! How should I present the issue with the other girl (it was meaningless and just a fuck, honestly)?

I actually want this girl as my gf, but think have blown it. She said she felt betrayed, this all while she still not officially broken up with her bf, we are not officially an exclusive item, she told me to see other girls, etc. I banged some girls on summer holidays and told her about it and she was cool. Really have no clue what she wants or thinks, other than she is pissed. She likes me a lot and we are very passionate together. Had sex twice and it was mind blowing!

Any advice on how to approach this meeting is appreciated!!
 

ray_zorse

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Aug 12, 2014
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It sounds like it may be a lost cause, once the damage is done in regards to your becoming needy it's hard to undo that damage.

In regards to number of times had sex, I think it would generally need to be 4+ before you could say she is your girl. After sex only 2 times I believe it's still more or less up in the air which way things could go. So you definitely don't want to be committing yourself on the basis of that. Playing hard to get and acting like you have plenty of sex so it's no big deal which way things go with her... is much better. Once you start, in a sense, bargaining over relationship issues, it really decreases your value.

Also this scenario with the other dude is very unhealthy, it really sounds like she might be a bit more of a player than you realize. If you haven't been privy to the actual conversations between them, bear in mind that you only have her word for the situation between them. She could be saying all the same things about you to him also. So I reckon that it's basically a sympathy and attention ploy on her part... "ohh he's so XXX and YYY and he treat me badly and AAA and BBB" and you're like "ohh poor you oh what can I do to help blah blah" and this basically paints you as very non-sexy and as being a shoulder to cry on... essentially friend material and not fuck material.

The right thing to do at this point would be a soft next I reckon, don't reply to any text unless she calls you by voice, act really busy and say you haven't got time for drama since you have XXX YYY and ZZZ going on, and basically just quit investing ANYTHING into the relationship. If she is serious and she chases you down you could eventually agree to a date (make it a few weeks away so that it is clear she's in the doghouse and will need to work to get you back) but if the other guy is even MENTIONED in the date just say you have to go and leave. There is no need to be emotional about it or tell her why, as she can figure out what works and what doesn't herself.

cheers, Ray

P.S. In regards to the girl finding out about your banging another chick, there's a bit going on there. If you've set the relationship frame then it looks sleazy and cheaty, if you've set the FWB frame then it looks sexy and she'll protest but inwardly be very turned on. But, you shouldn't flaunt these things. Hint maybe, but when it's in her face it's not easily deniable and makes her feel like a slut for being with you as well. Try to take care of her feelings without necessarily compromising on your lifestyle.
 

Finn2018

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Joined
Sep 18, 2018
Messages
9
She texted me and cancelled the meeting tonight saying she didnt think it would be a good idea to meet, she needs to be alone for a while, and hope I understand.

Not sure what to do, leave it or chase it?
 

Fuck This

Cro-Magnon Man
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Jul 24, 2015
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2,092
I concur with the soft next. I'd give it a week if she contacts you again. Indefinitely if she doesn't.

Lying about sleeping with other women will always backfire. Better alternatives are to be non reactive, and say " "if we decide to become exclusive later we can talk about it, however at this time we are not beholden to each other except in our moments together." Always frame it as to the fact that SHE is Free as well. Especially since she apparently has an SO.

From what you have written she sounds like a TERRIBLE GF prospect. A GF prospect should make you look at your other woman options and say "Nah, not nice enough, not caring enough, not exciting enough"

Smarmy but true....

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