Has a girl every told you she won’t go out with you bc “akward/shy alone w guys”

Start_ed_young

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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What does this mean?? I told her to tell me a day and time frame she was free so we could work something out. Earlier in the week she gave me the “sorry I’m busy 24/7 the rest of my life speech” which I knew was bs for various reasons. When I asked her to tell me when she was free she admitted that being busy was not the reason we never did anything. Keep in mind when reading this conversation these aren’t direct quotes since we were talking in Snapchat.

“ im sorry i am just a really shy person and I’m really awkward and nervous around guys, especially if it’s alone. Idk why I’m just like athag and that’s why we haven’t hung out at all.” That is what she said... what???

Me: Okay, I’m sorry but you really didn’t clear anything up for me here, are we gonna do anything or not?

Her: idk I’m really shy and I get nervous and I just can’t do anything alone with guys I’m sorry.”

Me: “dang, this is hands down the weirdest rejection I’ve ever had.”

Her: it’s not a rejection, it’s just the truth.

Me: I’m pretty sure you just said we were never gonna hang out. Is this true or what?

Her: I feel like everyone says this, but I don’t really have time rn because (sport) is everyday and most weekends and there are some problems with my family that really need fixed rn bc it’s hurting my younger siblings. (The fuck?? Is this an actual reason that she can’t go out with me, or is this another excuse??)

Me: just know you can trust me if you ever need to talk to anyone. But if you change your mind about going out, I can’t promise I’ll still feel the same in a few weeks, but I’m here for you if you need me. You can trust me”

Her: Thank you so much!

Me: anytime girl

Did I friend zone myself?
Did I friend zone her?
Is she Broken in some sort of way?
Was I too unattainable before and she couldnt be comfortable with me
I do like talking to her as a friend though, but I would like fuck her.
 

Michal

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Re: Has a girl every told you she won’t go out with you bc “akward/shy alone w g

She opened up about something personal to her (how she is shy and nervous around guys) and you just pass by that and push anyways. What she needed was build some comfort with you. What you could have done was propose something she is familiar with (let's say she likes to play ping pong). You offered being a friend but if she is shy and nervous around guys, this might get you the foot in the door. But work on your calibration. It is obvious you are both young so make sure to never make a scene, get mad or angry even if the situation makes you feel that way. Well you can feel mad but dont act on it, just mention it if someone points it out about you and it is obvious but try to stay collected.
 

Big Daddy

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Re: Has a girl every told you she won’t go out with you bc “akward/shy alone w g

Man, I dig your attitude of going out there. It will get you crazy results as soon as you start to calibrate more for what girls actually mean -- it was (and is) the hardest part for me, but once it clicked it sure made my life easier.

Understand this: girls VERY RARELY mean what they say. Never try to reason with a girl logically based on what she says. I'm going to translate what happened in English for you:

Girl: I'm really shy and not really comfortable alone around guys because I'm inexperienced and I'm afraid of what might happen when I'm alone with a man

You: Well, that doesn't help ("I don't understand girls"). What is it gonna be, are we gonna hang out or not?

Girl: I'm just saying this whole sex thing is new for me, I don't how to handle the pressure of being alone very well

You: Oof girl, that was a tough rejection

Girl: (what is he thinking? It wasn't a rejection... I guess he doesn't get girls after all)

You: (Insist that you are right when you're not even talking about the same thing)

Girl: Well, I'm gonna figure out some bs excuse so he stops bothering me

You have to make an absurd effort to walk in their shoes, or girls will never make sense to you. What you should've done: comfort her, letting her know that you would not force anything, it would just be casual time between the two of you. Your actions by doing that would let her know that you gracefully would take care of any awkwardness.
 

Start_ed_young

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Re: Has a girl every told you she won’t go out with you bc “akward/shy alone w g

Thank you so much for you input Big Daddy and Michael,

After reading the post, it didn’t go quite as bad as the way I recollected it made it seem, I did offer some reassurance/comfort, but not really enough I guess.

Secondly, my major set back that threw me off here was that it was stuff over the phone so I am always very careful not to build a connection with the device but rather to set up meeting logistics with the girl. My mindset on this before was that building any sort of connection or conversation not directly restated to meeting up was SATANIC and must be avoided at all costs.

I wanted so badly to say something along the lines of “I understand, I would be nervous around most guys too (Scary) but I’ll make it easy, I promise ;)” just something along the lose lines of “don’t sweat it, I’m a different breed, girl”

Big D, when reading your translation I literally laughed out loud at how right you were and how dumb I sounded, lol. Dang, when I said something about it being a wired rejection, my intention was to just make her realize she just said no. (I guess I’m a fucking dummy and she didn’t though) the thought that hat communicated that I didn’t get girls did occur to me... but for some reason at the time it seemed like a wise response.

Something interesting though, whenever I’m texting/Snapchat ing a girl, I always have so many options of what to say run through my head, I just never pick the right one (even though I thought of it. Then right after I press send I think,” you fuking moron” lol.

Lastly, when you talk about calibration, what exactly is that meaning? I think I understand, but I’m not sure. Is it fixed by doing a lot of approaches and things?

Thank you guys so much! Honestly probably some of the most influential feedback I’ve had. Big D do you think this reserved was around guys will be a common theme among girls my age? And combating it with comfort will most often work?

Thanks again,
Young
 

Big Daddy

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Re: Has a girl every told you she won’t go out with you bc “akward/shy alone w g

Let me explain what I mean by calibration. Whenever you do something and a girl reacts a certain way, you should calibrate whatever it is that you are doing to match her reaction. For example, you talking to a girl in public, and you think she likes you. Then you think, "man, she likes me, I'm gonna grab those titties!" She's probably going to react badly to that, because she doesn't like you that much yet.

This can be done with anything: jokes, kisses, moves, texts. It's a game of matching her reaction and going to the next step. Does she reciprocate your touch? Good, go for the kiss. Did she deny it? Don't sweat too much, take a step back and try again from there, instead of trying to kiss her MORE.

This is something you'll only ever going to develop with repetition and practice, and thinking back carefully about past interactions. Did she like that? Was that too much (this tends to be the case more often than not with newer guys that just started reading the material).

My mindset on this before was that building any sort of connection or conversation not directly restated to meeting up was SATANIC and must be avoided at all costs.

Here's the thing. You won't see most girls you get the number from again. You have no options but to text (or call). The only purpose of that text will be to set up logistics, that ideally you had already mentioned and she had agreed in real life. In some instances, the girl will be afraid to go out for whatever reason, and then you're forced to build somewhat of a connection over text. Ideally, you'd be able to meet her again and comfort in real life... which, again, is not realistic when approaching in big cities.

However, this girl is from your HS, right? I'm assuming you can see her pretty much every day, so there's really no need to text about anything other than logistics. This is a conversation that is much better to have in real life. Don't hit her up out of the blue in a medium where you have little leverage. If she's hard to isolate in HS just use text to set up a situation where you can be alone with her to talk it over.

Dang, when I said something about it being a wired rejection, my intention was to just make her realize she just said no.

Haha yeah, but she didn't actually say no. So you're right she didn't understand, it made no sense to her.

I wanted so badly to say something along the lines of “I understand, I would be nervous around most guys too (Scary) but I’ll make it easy, I promise ;)” just something along the lose lines of “don’t sweat it, I’m a different breed, girl”

Don't try to be too witty and clever about it, text is not really the place. I've lost way too many girls texting them that way. Whenever you feel like saying shit like this (I do all the time), turn it down two notches.

She just needs reassuring that nothing "weird" (sexual tension) will happen. We obviously know it's going to happen, but if you outright mention "we're gonna fuck" or act like the only thing you want to do is fuck, she'll deny a date. Make as easy as possible for her to say yes.

Cut the "don’t sweat it, I’m a different breed, girl" texts for "haha you must hate when your mom tells you to do X with your cousins (which she obviously isn't nervous around)." Let her reply anything then say "tell you what, we go grab an ice cream for 10 minutes and I'll go back home after. If you want me to stay you can say so."

Think about it like this: the only objective of texting is to get her out. It's not to:

- seem clever
- seem like a fuckboy
- talk about sex
- be edgy, risky, or anything

If you need to sound like a loving brother to get her out to then rip her clothes apart while she screams your name, so be it.

but for some reason at the time it seemed like a wise response.
Something interesting though, whenever I’m texting/Snapchat ing a girl, I always have so many options of what to say run through my head, I just never pick the right one (even though I thought of it. Then right after I press send I think,” you fuking moron” lol.

Yeah man, you'll go through many rounds of this. The only possible way to know what to say more-or-less in every situation is having gone through every situation. Getting feedback from the boards will certainly shorten the learning curve, though.

I would recommend to open a note an app and write down every option and see which one looks more "right." It's a better way to decide on the fly.

Big D do you think this reserved was around guys will be a common theme among girls my age? And combating it with comfort will most often work?

I would say so. You can run into 20-yo virgins in college, but they are rare. You will have to put up with some bs with girls in HS. That isn't to say all girls are like that -- I guarantee there's a bitch ready to be stretched in your HS, it's just a matter of finding her.
 

Start_ed_young

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Re: Has a girl every told you she won’t go out with you bc “akward/shy alone w g

Thanks again big D!

With calibration, I figured as much. Makes sense.

However, this girl is from your HS, right? I'm assuming you can see her pretty much every day, so there's really no need to text about anything other than logistics. This is a conversation that is much better to have in real life. Don't hit her up out of the blue in a medium where you have little leverage. If she's hard to isolate in HS just use text to set up a situation where you can be alone with her to talk it over.

Definitely would have talked to her at school, but school is out for summer as of 2 weeks ago. If I had the choice I wouldn’t ever contact girls over the phone, but sometimes it’s the only option. But yes, I would have liked to have had the conversation in real life which was why I was avoiding saying much else than, “so when we gonna hang out” you have now just made clear to me though That sometimes more steps need to be taken to have a smooth transition to “when we gonna hang out”

She threw a curve ball, I should have readjusted for the trajectory of the pitch, but rather, I assumed a straight shot, and made no adjustment to the situation.

Biggest take aways from this for me

1. High school girls may often require some convincing and reassuring comfort when going out due to inexperience
2. When texting, if a connection is needed to build up to setting logistics for an agreed meet up, it is fine as long as the goal of meeting up is the aim.

I guarantee there's a bitch ready to be stretched in your HS, it's just a matter of finding her.

There sure are some on the opposite end of the spectrum as this girl. For example, last week there was a girl (blonde with a great ass, decent face) that was at a friends house in my neighborhood. I was being a bit timid in my messages and then I said, “so I see your in the neighborhood” she said “yea I’m at (names)” I said “oh, well congratu-fucking-lations”
She said back, “yea yea” “just come over already”

It was 2 am so I can guess what we were gonna do, didn’t end up happening bc she fell asleep before the parents did, but she said next time.

Think about it like this: the only objective of texting is to get her out. It's not to:

- seem clever
- seem like a fuckboy
- talk about sex
- be edgy, risky, or anything

If you need to sound like a loving brother to get her out to then rip her clothes apart while she screams your name, so be it.

The tip bit sums this up very well for me, question though, why is sounding clever/witty over text a bad thing? Should you not try to make your texts congruent in diction to your real speech? And also I love that last sentence, lol.

Thank you so much Big D! Helps alot,
Young
 

Big Daddy

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Re: Has a girl every told you she won’t go out with you bc “akward/shy alone w g

Start_ed_young said:
Definitely would have talked to her at school, but school is out for summer as of 2 weeks ago.
Ah, right. My Bad. My schedule is completely different from a "normal schedule" so I tend to forget about people's normal vacation time. In that case, take into consideration what I said about texting in big cities because there's a lot of overlap.

why is sounding clever/witty over text a bad thing? Should you not try to make your texts congruent in diction to your real speech?
It's not that it's a bad thing. I do it all the time, but there's a time and place for everything. I do it with good female friends that know my extremely sadistic side or girls that I had already fucked.

There's is a bunch of reason why you should refrain from it until you sleep with the girl:

  • 1. It will give you a false sense of "progress," as in "hehe, I'm being sexual with girls!" when you are not. Completely different things.
    2. Texts are confusing, and she can read it completely different than what you intended her to.
    3. It's probably less congruent with your real self than you think.
    4. It's not going to make her like you any more than she does. This is not something you do over text.

There isn't a single girl in the world who is going to think "oh my god, this guy texts about pussy, he must be a beast!" specially when people hide behind the screen to be more aggressive than they would be in real life. Furthermore, I don't need girls thinking that I'm this sexual guy over text... they will learn that soon enough when we go out.

I will give you a real-life example. I was trying to set up logistics with this girl that I had fucked before to come to my apt so we could obviously fuck again. I invited her over text directly to my apartment, and the only possible reason would be to fuck.

Me - hey, you coming to [my area] this week?

Her - Every day until Thursday.

Me - cool. want to come to my place Thursday after you finish work?*

Her - That works. But I'll want to kiss you, and I'm on my period...

Me - no worries. many things can still be done in that case ;)**

* Now, I could have said "want to come here to get this juicy pussy of yours destroyed? ;)" I mean, it sure sounds like more fun. But why would I, really? She's already down, she's already coming. I can say that personally with 100x greater effect. I turned it down two notches.

** I had my finger in her ass last time, and she said "you won't fuck me in the ass," but I most definitively will, it'll just take some more time. The first step to that is to have her close to me, obviously. What do you think would have greater chances of success: saying "well, I can still fuck you in the ass ;)" or saying "many things can be done (extremely vague)," have her bring that ass to my place and then work it up?

What's funny is that there is not a single sexual innuendo of any sort in the texts before our first date. And in the end, I still fucked her bad. If she wants to see you then don't do anything that could jeopardize your chances, and if she doesn't it's not some clever texts that are going to change anything. I'm not saying you should be boring, but whenever you feel the need to send a witty text, just turn it down a few notches.
 

Start_ed_young

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Re: Has a girl every told you she won’t go out with you bc “akward/shy alone w g

Thanks Dad,

Got it!
Turn it down 2 notches

Thanks again,
Young
 
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