Socializing  Dealing With Sobriety While Going Out and Trying to Pick Up Girls

Sweet Uncle C

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Jul 24, 2018
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Hey gents,

I'm relatively new to the forum but I have been following Girls Chase for a few months now and it has made a huge difference in my effectiveness pulling girls. That being said, I have had a very unique dilemma and I am not sure how many of you, if any, are going through the same. I'm about 14 months sober (personal reasons.. can't be changed or I would obviously do that) and haven't had a single drink/drugs in that time-frame. At house parties I am alright because I am with typically groups of people I know and can keep my ego in tact, but when I go out to bars/clubs, you can imagine some girls I am talking to take notice that I'm not drinking. I'm usually pretty low-key about it and am able to get a club soda with lime to cover myself from being outed.. but sometimes the situation arises where someone offers me a drink or a shot and I have to say no and if they dig (which they usually do) it comes out that I've been sober for over a year. The scenario always ends up with them either treating me like I'm a wounded puppy, giving the typical "Wow that's awesome. You should really be proud of yourself", or they ask why I've been sober which I'm hit-or-miss at tip-toeing around the question without saying too much or making it too deep/awkward.

All of that summed up: it gets in the way of my flow and I have trouble rebounding.

Just a quick story to show my point - I'm the best man for my friend's wedding and we were in Scottsdale, Arizona for the bachelor party which was a wild time. Sidenote for anyone who hasn't been: There are a lot of smoke shows in Scottsdale and the number of female bartenders/servers that you would let give you pink-eye just from a once-over is astounding just. They are all dimes. We had bottle service at this place "Bottled Blonde" and we got one of the best tables they had by the DJ in a somewhat private corner. We pulled a few girls over that were alright, but we became friends with the guys next to us and one of them pulled over 2 pretty good-looking girls. I immediately started talking to one of them, totally ignored the guy who the girl was intended for, and she came and sat down next to me.

I must have put in like 20 minutes flirting with her, touching her, she was very into me and I could tell, I was just waiting for the right time to close. She goes to the bathroom, comes back and sits back down next to me, we talk for a few more minutes. Everyone in my group does a round of shots (me clearly being the only person not doing one) and she notices that I didn't take one. She starts to ask me about it, why, etc. and I was real with her about it. We keep flirting and she still seems decently into me so I say fuck-it I might as well make my move. I go in to kiss her and she shoots me down. She starts saying "No we can't you're sober... I'm drinking..." and I get totally thrown off my game. At that point I am thinking I totally fucked it up, there's no going back from there, and we talk for a few more minutes and she splits.

I know it was partly in the way I presented it where I failed and partly in the situation, but to the extent that I can control the interaction I am not sure how I can handle this better in the future. Similar situations come up pretty frequently since I'm dealing with this as a lifestyle choice. When I started my sobriety I was pretty insecure about going out sober and hitting on girls for that exact "you're drunk, I'm sober, I don't want to take advantage" reason. I finally got over it after a few months, but I wasn't going out for a while because of it. Now I'm completely second guessing how I should think about this and I really need some advice on how to handle the question when it comes up. How do I frame myself within the situation so that I don't need any sympathy or patronizing "good-for-you"s, and I am not taking advantage of anyone?

I appreciate all of your feedback bros.

Your (new) guy,

C
 

Hue

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Sep 21, 2016
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Wassup C,

What happened in your scenario is a total bummer! Sounds like you had things going very smoothly and one fact surprised the girl enough to dampen her focus and emotions she'd began putting into you. Once the seduction starts to steer off course, it sometimes requires some more time and adjusting to rebound back.

At that point I am thinking I totally fucked it up, there's no going back from there, and we talk for a few more minutes and she splits.
Getting shot down can definitely fuck up your momentum with a girl. I wonder how she would have reacted had you held frame and taken her attention onto something else through moving her or through conversation.


While I myself am quite a heavy drinker (though I've recently began taking a strong consideration in finding more ways to limiting myself), I may have some suggestions. I think you're making a good move with the soda & a lime already.


1). Dodge The Question

How many times have you seen people do the, "I'm all good", *closes eyes, tilts & shakes head, waves hand, slight smile* ? Most people don't really give a shit other than the SUPER COOL turbos that want everyone to be just as barbaric in their alcohol consumption as them. Maybe you'll have some people (mainly girls come to mind) upset you didn't accept a free gift, but so long as you communicate it's nothing personal, you don't have to elaborate. Just decline and move on. It's none of their business and you don't owe them an explanation, if you don't feel you want to. So long as you're cool and content with your declination then I don't see why this would create that much trouble for you.


2). White Lie (if you're okay with doing so)

I do NOT recommend full on lying like "I'm the designated driver", but something like "I'm all good for tonight" or "Nah I have shit to do tomorrow" would draw less attention. As in you're not drinking anymore tonight, rather than anymore in general. You're not blatantly lying by answering in a way that doesn't give the question much energy - though this is deceptive. I don't see this as something that would hurt anybody, however you may hurt yourself if someone who's great at reading people get's a whiff of something being off and assumes it to be a more sinister form of being disingenuous. On a personal level I rationally don't see a problem with it, but emotionally do because I generally dislike people who lie a lot.


3). Flip It On Them

If someone is pressing you on why you're not drinking, you could flip it on them. I think the best way to do this would be to make a joke / chase frame out of it, like, "well isn't SOMEBODY trying to get Sweet Uncle C nice and inhibited tonight (; ", then either keep that direction of conversation going away from you or change the conversation entirely. Obviously, this requires some calibration to be done correctly, and context is important.

The other way to do this is if someone is actually PRESSING you on being sober. In that case, it's already a faux pas on their part.. because, if you're behaving socially and having just as good of time as everyone else, why the fuck do they care? "Why are you so interested?" with a slight skeptical look (or even an amused smile) on your face. If they hit you back with something about you being a pussy/weird a simple eye roll might do, or you could read Chase's Article on Questioning Other Males Masculinity for more suggestions. He points out not everyone is looking so closely at your facial expressions (especially in night game). Throwing in a "cool story bro" is one of my favorites; simple & easy.


Though your main problem from what you wrote is,
All of that summed up: it gets in the way of my flow and I have trouble rebounding.
How do I frame myself within the situation so that I don't need any sympathy or patronizing "good-for-you"s, and I am not taking advantage of anyone?
which means it's a problem of frame control. In this particular situation I think it would be important to reframe things so that you're on the same page as everyone else. As in, you're all adults at a bar that are capable of making decisions for themselves. And you're capable of making the decision to not get any more inebriated then you already are that night - full stop.

I would hope, and judging by your post, assume, that you're capable of making the decision to not fuck some really drunk chick and seduce a girl in a way that creates mutually desired & respected compliance.

Another frame that comes to mind (and this is one I've gotten from recovered addicts that now have fulfilling lives) is to be excited about the fact you're not drinking! If you still exude social energy and confidence in how you behave while night gaming, that's pretty attractive. Here's all these people acting like idiots or using liquid courage to talk to people, and here's this guy who is totally comfortable his sober self, still being quite social. Though - that does have to match your game and be congruent with your vibe. If they want to know more about your reason for stopping (if they inquire as to whether you've never drank or had stopped), you could use that to show you're resilient - but I wouldn't spend too much energy doing this (more of a, "I'm happier than I've ever been" type of way). The only downfall I see with this is it will negatively effect your apparent similarity with the group / girl - so you would have to build that up in other ways.

The act of reframing itself does take more experience and time to develop but is oh so effective when you get it down. It's currently one of my annual goals to mend a frame of steel, and while I've made progress I still have a lot of work to do. I would recommend you read the Out-Frame Anyone article if you think it would apply to you - there's multiple good examples.

I should ask though, what do you think it is that people questioning your sobriety does to mess up your flow? It may just be a matter of re-exposing yourself to that confrontation again and again until it no longer effects you on an emotional level because you've seen it so many times.


As a side note, I think these pigeonhole operations are pretty fucked up man.
- People determine that because a person hasn't had a lick of alcohol / drugs in them, they are forbidden for hooking up with the girl who's had a drink or two. While there are some total fucks out there that knowingly take advantage of girls who are plastered-drunk, it is not grounds to yield that strong a suspicion upon the morals & social awareness of EVERY sober guy at the bar.
- That is great that you managed to stop drinking / using if it was a real problem for you, and I know many people that unfortunately were and/or are unable to do that. But then you have some hardcore partiers that determine you're some pussy, or, some softcore partiers who shallowly congratulate you on something you're probably not so happy to be talking about. Maybe they sense your discomfort and do so to try to give good feelings, but their method is flawed in that it just brings more energy to the situation and implies your external validation. (To be honest, I think your recovery might even make *some* types of people slightly insecure, as somewhere in there they feel the slightest hint of guilt about drinking / using as they congratulate you about how awesome you are for recovering - but that's just my opinion, maybe I'm just projecting ;P).


Anyways, I would recommend using one of those techniques to get the attention off of you, while focusing internally on reframing yourself as an adult at a bar just like everyone else - you don't need to apologize for having your shit together, and the lack of being inebriated should only help you make MORE rational decisions, rather than stupid ones. So long as on a personal level YOU believe that your frame & actions are justified / not weird, then it's just up to you to bring that to surface.


Lastly, welcome to the boards bro! Hope this helps, and I wish you a very fulfilling time in the journey that is learning seduction (;

Hue
 

Sweet Uncle C

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Jul 24, 2018
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Thanks Hue!

I'm loving the feedback - for sure going to put the "dodging" and "flipping on them" to use. Also, that article on Frame-Control is literally KEY I am a big example guy so I can't stress how helpful your response is.

Definitely feeling welcome as a new contributer!

Thanks again,

-C
 
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