Required Reading - Fuck like a gentleman

Fuck This

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Jul 24, 2015
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https://www.doctornerdlove.com/fck-like-a-gentleman-pt-1/
https://www.doctornerdlove.com/fck-like-a-gentleman-pt-2/
Wordy but covers the basics....

Enthusiastic Consent Is The Default Standard
I can’t emphasize this enough: no matter the circumstances, if you’re going to be having sex with someone, then you should be looking for an enthusiastic yes, not just trying to avoid a “no”. Just because she came home with you – or you went to her place – doesn’t mean that it’s all over but the squishy noises. Even if you think that your intentions were perfectly clear, each participant’s expectations can vary drastically. She may be down for banging… or she may be willing to fool around some but isn’t sure she wants to actually have sex. She may have been heavily into you at the party but now that you’re at the front door, she’s not entirely sure… but doesn’t necessarily want to upset you by asking you to take her home right then and there. Never assume that “everyone knows what X means”; misunderstandings happen and people can have wildly different ideas about what they’ve just signed up for.


Thus: you want to make sure there are no misunderstandings or wrong ideas. After all, you want someone who is eager to fuck you, not somebody who is going along to get along because she feels obligated and doesn’t believe she has the right to back out now.

And that enthusiasm is important. Enthusiastic consent means someone who is a willing and excited participant and taking a “no”, even a soft or indirect “no”, as an answer. On occasion, you’ll hear from guys who insist that women will play “How bad do you really want it” by saying “no” when they really mean “try harder”. Beyond my initial reaction of “so could you sound a little more rapey?” my answer is “so what?” If she’s playing head games2 then the best thing to do is not play. The last thing you want is to be with someone who thinks “hard to get” is a valid dating strategy. Bid her a fond good night, and find someone else who isn’t going to send conflicting messages rather than buying into the idea that “no” is really a bargaining point instead of a refusal.

Also: remember that consent is granular; someone may consent to, say, oral, but not for full intercourse; this is why it’s important to check in with your partner rather than just assuming “well, she’s been cool with everything else…” or deciding that it’s all fait accompli. And of course, consent can be withdrawn without question. If for whatever reason she’s decided she doesn’t want to do something any more, the only response a gentleman has is to say “I understand” and to stop without complaint.
 
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