Lack of experience

budny

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Joined
May 24, 2019
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Hello, I'm new on the forums and just little over a year or so since I started to read GC articles, which helped me quite a lot. I've come here for some advice, because of my lack of experience.
So the thing is like this: A girl from work which I had a nice friendly work relation, managed to get my interest, And also to act weird.
We've known each other for almost a year, at some point she stated that we are similar and she liked me, I took it as ' like you as a person' and haven’t seen her as more than a friend. A few months ago I asked her to apply for the open position in my team, because of her work ethic that I really appreciate and knew it will be a good fit. I didn’t had a direct decision on who will be in the team nor saying to her why I wanted her.
After joining the team she also started to invest in me by trying to understand the work I was doing, my work situation (having almost every single aspect of the work figured out people thought I had an easy life, although I had a high workload), and also to understand me at a more deeper level. As we spent some more time together I've come to see her more like a friend. Some things went a bit on the nastyside on work side for me and made a decision to change the position. We kept talking whenever possible mostly at my initiative, both 1-on-1 and with my old team, one time she ganged up on me with my old team to see if I can take a joke, after which she smiled and said she tested me. Having a busy week on the new position, some old drama sneaking on me. I took some time for me focusing on work, finding a solution to the problem and relax. From the outside it seems like I'm moody, because I do lack emotional intelligence and shut down to the world. So at one point she stated indirectly that she felt ignored, which I handled it bad. She saw me like this many times and hasn’t done this before, going into auto-rejection. So I assumed she liked me and valued my attention. Before I could do something she became distant, cold and bitter, and every time she saw me said smth in a negative voice tone. Due to some bad precedent I stopped listening and just hearing the tone, being very bothered by the behavior I go to myself “ahh… I don’t need this in my life”. So before it can interfere with my work I sent her a message saying to keep it on a personal level and don’t let it interfere with the professional side. The next day she approached me, I just left without saying a word. The second day the first time she saw me did the same thin, but in a low energy, seeming to feel guilty and apologizing if she did smth wrong. I've sent her another message letting her know that I appreciate the apology and that I wasn’t upset at her, but the situation. She said to text her only if I would explain. For a couple of days we haven’t spoken, but been friendly when meeting. She even seemed to try to get my attention, longer eye contact and some unnecessary touching from her, while feeling a bit of sexual tension when around her. Also during this time I've finished the heavier workload and came to a decision to my other problem. So I decided to speak with her again texted her to meet. I've explained that I don’t like that behavior, and I share my thoughts and feelings with few people, and I don’t want to hurt her when I'm making sense of things. I asked her to hang out at work some other day and flaked, ok maybe she’s busy. The next day she ignored me, so I guess I deserve that for miscommunicating and rejecting her. So inadvertently we do cross paths from time to time, she cracked a joke when we were just the two of us. And the other day she did an insanely amount of effort to stay in my line of sight when being on lunch break, if I was speaking with the person from my right she went there, when I was speaking to the person sitting left to me she would run there.
As i've said I do lack experience, I'm not very socially acceptable and I am not sure about being more than a friend with her. So I'm seeing this as an opportunity to learn from mistakes.
So did I read her signs completely wrong? Been too unattainable? Too man child?
If this seems to be bad I came from a much worse place. I do know that I lack decision, have a lot of insecurities, I lack emotional intelligence, and I also know that I've come a long way. Stopped wasting time and energy, imposing my boundaries a little better, became a little by social aware and many more.
 
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