Verisimilitude-
A few comments:
Verisimilitude said:
But I still can't accept that most marriages have cheating happen in them
Do they? That's news to me.
I've seen various studies citing the percent of people who have cheated on a partner (lifetime) being up to 40% or 50% for women and 60% or 70% for men. I've also seen those numbers down in the single digits. My guess is it's probably closer to in between... maybe a quarter or a third of people? But that's cheating lifetime on any partner - boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, you name it. How much of that occurs within a marriage, where people tend to be more settled, live out in the suburbs, be short on time between career and kids, and have limited exposure to attractive members of the opposite sex?
I'd suspect only a small chunk of cheating occurs within marriages, the majority of it going on between young singles in boyfriend-girlfriend relationships going out and partying and living in the city center surrounded by hot options.
You will meet horny young wives (and maybe some horny older ones) who will climb your pole in a hotel room off the Vegas strip, sure. But these women are not a majority in most places by any stretch of the imagination, and the men who think they are tend to be operating out of a selection bias paradigm where they've met a number of these women and assume all women must be just like these.
Verisimilitude said:
and that most marriages the partners end up unhappy.
They do? Also news to me.
I know there was the whole feminist movement to decry marriage as a miserable prison for women, and the subsequent masculinist movement to decry it as a horrible prison for men too, but women's happiness has bottomed out as marriage has declined, while men's hasn't had any favors done for it, either.
I will say though that most people go into marriage with shitty communication skills, unrealistic expectations, and are either settling (if they're older) or rushing into it (if they're younger), rather than carefully and methodically selecting partners who are a good match for them intuitively (chemistry) but ALSO a good match for them
logically (the traditional "good match" deal). Back when marriage was a serious institution, the advice given to young people was, "Don't marry on a whim - marry because you've made certain that this person is the ideal match for where you want to take your life."
These days the advice given to young people is nothing but "follow your heart, and the rest will fall into place", given by clueless flower power children who thought that all you need is love and can't figure out why they have such a terrible track record with marriage and such sky-high divorce rates. They threw off the instructions of the ancients who established marriage as an institution in the first place, and now scratch their heads over why the cookies taste like crap when you try to wing it baking them instead of following the recipe.
If marriage is something you want, ignore the advice of the Baby Boomers and read the ancient Greek epics and Biblical tales. Maybe read Plutarch's
Parallel Lives. See how various successful men throughout history have structured their lives and the sorts of women they've chosen to have at their sides. Pick your women that way, rather than just following your boner into marriage like most guys do these days, whether they wed the traditional way or just settle into long-term common law monogamy as they age and get too lazy or lumpy to chase tail anymore.
Verisimilitude said:
I just haven't seen it like that. Most of the people I know are still together and for all I know, reasonably happy.
It depends on geography. Two places I've lived:
In the suburbs of Pennsylvania, divorce is not very common, and those who do divorce come out of it with stigma attached and everyone whispers about it.
In downtown San Diego, you haven't lived if you haven't been divorced at least once (and probably twice). It's almost a right of passage.
Different places, different social mores.
Verisimilitude said:
What should I expect out of marriage? Can I learn this stuff and make it work? How do I prevent cheating in my future marriage?
Well, marriage as an institution primarily exists for the production and raising of children. So long as that is the central pillar you're basing marriage around, I think you're doing all right.
Think about it like this: you're selecting a woman to reproduce with. Several primary concerns:
- What genes would I like to mix mine with to create the next generation?
- What qualities do I need to look for in a woman who'll make a good partner for me?
- What qualities do I need to look for in a woman who'll make a good mother to our children?
Those'd be the primary concerns. Once you have those three figured out, you know what you're looking for if the goal is marriage.
I think it's also worth keeping in mind that "marriage" is not the goal. Marriage is the goal for emotional people who don't understand the purpose behind institutions. The goal is what the institution is there to encourage and protect: the creation and rearing of future generations.
So what do you want your kids to be? Tall? Brilliant? Good-looking? Energetic? Laid back? Ambitious? Athletic? Tinkerers? Explorers? Pick a woman who has as many of your desired traits in this areas as possible.
What do you want your partner to be? Smart? Beautiful? Loyal? Mentally and emotionally stable? Fun? Considerate? I generally think these are good things to look for, so screening based on looks, career, education, and family background are advised. She's far more likely to make a good long-term partner if her parents have healthy and ongoing relationships with each other, and if she has such a relationship with them, than if she comes from a broken home, for instance.
Verisimilitude said:
Is the type of marriage even possible with the guy in control?
What type of relationship is not possible with the guy in control?
Chase
