Okay, overall this week was a bit of a fail (and not the good kind, more the lack of action kind), but I still learned some important lessons.
a. Had a first date on Thursday with a girl from Hinge. Same issues as the first date I had the previous week
(FR) in that I didn't really physically escalate. Went for the kiss at the end like usual but it ended up being a quick peck. She seems very excited to see me again though and I'm going to set something up for next week. She's definitely after a relationship - we'll see what happens.
I'm starting to realize why my physical escalations on dates are either non-existant or awkward on dates now. On this date I hadn't masturbated for a few days beforehand and was really horny so I thought this would help, but as soon as she came and I saw her for the first time, even though she was attractive, the horniness disappeared. And I've realized this usually happens on dates - it disappears and I focus on her and the conversation. Now if it remained even a little bit it would make escalating a lot easier because my intent would be there and it would seem natural. At some points in the conversation when I really made myself focus on her appearance I started getting hornier and trying to get closer, but this came at the expense of the conversation and while this was happening I didn't take in a word she was saying. Also, because it happened sporadically, to her it might have seemed a bit weird that before I was almost fully platonic and then now, at a random point 20 minutes into the date, I'm suddenly smiling and trying to get closer. In fact, this doesn't just happen on dates, it happens with a lot of interactions I have with attractive women.
I'm not really sure how to fix this issue of staying horny while fully immersing myself in the conversation - it's usually one or the other. This is a big part of what's holding me back I think. If anyone else has had a similar problem and overcome it I'd love to know how you did it.
b. Along similar lines, I'm realizing that my personality and sex drive is in a lot of ways like a womans, quite passive. Always has been, even when I was a 14. Don't know if this is due to low test or what. Here's a quote from a reply to my
FR
I think I'm partly this way too because I'm a pretty lazy person in general, and so unless I'm reaally into the girl (as in, she is exactly my type, I'm feeling ridiculously horny or she touches me first) I don't make that extra effort. Not masturbating doesn't seem to help much either - it just amplifies my attraction for the girls I'm already attracted to while doing nothing to make me attracted to more girls, at least visually. If they touch me it's a different story. It's really hard for me to get excited about most girls I see everyday - even though I need to to be able to to build up the skills I need. I think in a lot of ways my personality and sex drive is a lot like women's - passive, which is hugely problematic considering I'm the guy and I need to make things happen. But on the plus side I guess this gives me a really good understanding of how womens minds operate and what makes them horny, because I experience the same thing. And touch is a big one - even if a girl is not my type, if she touches me a certain way I get horny. Gotta use this to my advantage.
c. Went out on Friday and Saturday. On Friday I was at a concert with friends, hooked up with a girl but she was pretty drunk. We made out a lot (I know I'm not supposed to do this but I haven't had a nice passionate kiss in a while) and then went for drinks. I bought the first round and she mysteriously lost her wallet the second round so I had to pay for it too (damn it I'm better than this!). She wanted to go outside to smoke weed (she showed it to me in the middle of the venue in plain site of the bartenders), but I didn't have a ticket to get back in and wasn't thinking logistics at the time so declined. This was pretty dumb. I should have agreed and then seen if I could have found an alley, concert be damned. But I wasn't thinking straight and declined because of the issue of getting back in. Dumb dumb. She was drunk though (I was too) so that eased my consciousness somewhat but still, I should have gone for it to get the experience.
On Saturday, I was out with my friends again, hooked up with another girl but she was pretty gross and weird, and my friends were making fun of me for it, so I ejected. Later in line for another place, I overheard a conversation behind me, and turned and joined in. There was an older blonde lady there (probably 40s) with a guy. After I joined in she started getting a lot closer to me - I realized that the guy wasn't with her and that she was on her own. She followed me in and I found out she was looking for some friends. Later on, she saw me dancing with some other girls, and after they left she approached me to dance. I wasn't that enthusiastic though because my friends were there - and they teased me mercilessly for hooking up with an older lady last year. So I kept my distance even though she was attractive. She sensed my disinterest and left. That was dumb on my part and is partly why I actually prefer going out solo - I can do what I want without feeling judged or pressured by my friends.
Regressed and masturbated on Saturday, but not to porn, just my memories/imagination (still holding myself to that).
d. Failed approaches (there weren't any successful ones this week)
1. She was standing on her own in the supermarket by the donuts, blonde,really attractive and fully done up with makeup. But I was in a hurry and rationalized to myself that that is why I couldn't go talk to her (idiot)
2. I went to the mall and immediately got psyched out by all the attractive women around. They looked a bit younger so I freaked out and thought I'd be a weirdo if I talked to them.
3. In the same mall, buying towels there was an attractive woman next to me. Frantically tried thinking of a situational opener involving towels, couldn't think of anything so decided to go direct. As soon as I started to move she walked in my direction past me, not making eye contact despite my best efforts. I psyched myself out and didn't approach. Half started following her after she left because I really really wanted to talk to her, but then realized that I almost just became the sort of guy who follows women in stores so backed out. I regret that one a lot.
My approaching method is pretty aimless (just approach attractive women when you see them) and I think that's why I failed this week. I need a structured goal - talk to X number of girls before the end of the week. Planning on setting that goal tomorrow.