June 2019 — Well Over A Year Fighting Approach Anxiety
[#52]
1. Journal Lapse
Wow, itʼs been over a year since actually posting to this journal. There are a number of written but not edited posts, half-written posts, and planned posts that werenʼt written. Perhaps some time Iʼll get around to posting the stuff that was written but not posted.
Part of the reason this journal didnʼt get much attention is that it was largely redundant with the private voice notes I normally make after every interaction. So from here forwards, instead of trying to make this journal methodically cover individual interactions, Iʼll focus more on “big picture” posts, goals, and progress summaries.
For individual outings or interactions that I find important/interesting enough, Iʼll post Field Reports, and I wonʼt necessarily link those from here, so just use the search function if you want to see those.
[Phoenix: see SDX16267833.]
2. The Plateau
The first part of 2018 saw me somewhat normalize the lifestyle of going out to the mall to talk to girls. Itʼs the first time in my life that Iʼve really made hitting on women a normal part of my life as opposed to something Iʼd do only very sporadically or even for very long periods not at all. I wish Iʼd taken such an approach years ago.
Suffice it to say, approach anxiety has been a horrible monster.
At first, I couldnʼt do it at all. The last couple months of 2017 and the first part of 2018 saw me improve tremendously in that regard. At first, I could spend a whole day at a busy megamall and come home having not even talked to one damn girl — a really horrible feeling. But with persistence and determination I was able to crack that problem enough that on a sufficiently long excursion to a sufficiently busy place, I usually could talk to one or two girls.
However, I quickly hit a plateau, and itʼs one that I stayed at for the rest of 2018. If I spent a day at the megamall, I could be fairly sure Iʼd at least hit on
a girl, but it would usually only be one or two, or three if I was really lucky. No matter what I tried or how I tried to push myself to do more, that little voice inside that talks yourself out of going up to a girl was still winning most of the time.
Had I basically
lived in the mall, I perhaps could have still made good progress, but itʼs not like I was even doing these day‑long mall excursions all that frequently. Frequently enough to be a normal part of my life, but only. Two or three times in some weeks, but once or even none in most weeks. Part of that was because of inefficiencies such as going into too much detail with records. But part of it was just plain and simple having no energy to do something that I knew was a
hideously inefficient use of my time.
At once, I still found and find myself
loving day game over other styles of game. This is in part precisely
because of how difficult it is to pick up your balls and approach a girl in such a random setting, dead sober. Any time I actually
did manage to open a girl,
I felt like a champ! Because most guysʼ only way of hitting on women is after months of working up the courage to “ask out” that “special” girl at work or school who friendzoned them from day one, or by getting piss drunk in a bar or club and slurring some cliché pick‑up line to a gussied‑up and half‑drunk chick who has a dozen other slobbering fools on her, or by hiding behind a computer, excitedly typing some banal, idle chit chat until the chick dies of boredom.
At some point in the summer of 2018, I actually did put some consideration into on‑line game, since this would bypass approach anxiety completely. I actually even went to the trouble of engineering a system to perform A/B testing and swipe ratio tracking on Tinder. But Iʼve never really liked the whole concept of on‑line — it just feels like a cop‑out from being bold enough to approach I.R.L. And on the technical end, there were tricky limitations to experimental repeatability, exacerbated by Tinder having an aggressive IP shadow‑banning policy. And the ratings I was getting on PhotoFeeler from shots of at least good
technical quality were getting abysmal ratings, for whatever thatʼs worth — not much, I suspect.
One day after weeks of OCD on it, I looked out my window at the beautiful summer weather and asked myself what I was doing inside instead of out talking to girls, and threw Tinder out the window without ever having made a
real account! lol
All said, in the whole of 2018, I only got dates with five girls.. and two of them werenʼt even from recent game.
On the bright side, I got three of them home. And the number of dates I got
per cold approach was actually a fairly respectable 1 : 20. I feel that, with those girls I actually had the balls to talk to, I was doing quite well for a beginner. Probably because I have a strong awareness of the science and psychology. And the courage to attack day game. The real problem was, very simply,
an abysmally low frequency of approaching.
3. The Most Extreme Solution: Africa
Putting a gun to my head is basically the only way you could ever get me to hit on a girl who isnʼt black. With me, thatʼs just one of those non‑negotiable points. It is what it is.
I have to guess that a fair bit of my severe approach anxiety is a consequence of the women Iʼll approach being some subset of only 10% of the general female population of my city. At least Iʼm not
too picky about the black girls Iʼll hit on. But what I find is that mentally itʼs really hard to go up to a cute girl after having just passed by 20 girls I felt no real sexual energy for; it just makes it that much more likely you psych yourself out. The tragedy of it is that there
are still a fair number of pretty black girls around and theyʼre often fairly friendly with me when I do work up the nerve to approach one; I
so wish I could shake the irrational fears.
In early 2018 I ideated solving this problem using numerical brute force: by living in Africa! I reasoned that being literally surrounded by cute black girls would open me up like a flower. However, I pushed it to the back of my mind for a good while because it would be complicated and involve some significant sacrifices. But I couldnʼt ignore that it was quite possibly the only assured way for me to get good with women. After the better part of a year of bashing my head against the shitty numbers, in late 2018 I resurrected the idea and basically decided to roll with it. At that point I
posted about it.
And then in November, something
really unexpected happened:
I got laid. This came as a surprise not so much because I thought I couldnʼt, but because I thought Iʼd need a lot more practice — I think I hadnʼt even approached 60 women all year. On one hand, it was very encouraging, because I realized that, apart from being held back by approach anxiety, Iʼm actually not that bad with women. It was certainly an eye-opener as to how easy it is!
Unfortunately, I also suffered a bad
sexual dysfunction in part due to genital mutilation. That seriously curbed the benefit to my self‑esteem and confidence that Iʼd otherwise have gotten from the lay. It also triggered several months of research and strategizing on how to overcome it. One outcome of that was a decision to use contraceptive sponges instead of condoms for a while, in spite of greater risks, in a bid to train my mind to
really enjoy sex. Iʼm presently in the process of addressing at least the HPV and HIV risks by pharmaceutical means; Iʼll probably post more on that later. (HIV is a pretty low risk for straight men in the West, but I do raise it somewhat by preferring African immigrants.)
I havenʼt done much approaching since the lay, but when I did I was quite disappointed to find that it hadnʼt really done much to the approach anxiety. Which turned my attention back to Africa. I basically decided to go ahead with that unless my home city manages to pleasantly surprise me in the meantime.
The first matter was, which country and city to go to. The ones I considered in any detail were Nairobi, Kenya; Kampala, Uganda; Kigali, Rwanda; and Kisumu, Kenya. (This list was in keeping within a certain radius of South Sudan, where pretty much all of the most God‑damned
sickeningly beautiful creatures Iʼve ever seen are from, LOL.) After much reading and investigation, hundreds of YouTube videos, some calculations, and then a good dose of gut feeling, I decided to go with Kampala, Uganda. I might elaborate on why in the other thread. I also pushed myself to just make a decision, already, since itʼs not like I couldnʼt move later, anyway.
4. Sex Drive Hack: Great, To A Point
Something I did last year January greatly helped me, to a point.
I wonʼt lie, I enjoy playing with myself now and then. But I reasoned that doing so for free was probably dullening the motivation to try to get it from women. So I decided to leverage the desire to masturbate by only allowing myself, with some limited exceptions, to get myself off once for each cold approach I did. That took a lot of resolve, and at points I was hurtinʼ pretty badly, but I stuck to it, and it did make approaching girls
a lot easier. On more than one occasion, I really doubt Iʼd have been able to push through that intense fear of tapping a stranger girl on the shoulder if it wasnʼt for knowing that it would make the difference between going to bed with a warm sex toy and pics of an African cutie, and going to bed with aching balls.
I had also hoped that it would reinforce the natural association between approaching girls and getting sexual release. I canʼt say if it did that, but it certainly did make approaching a lot less impossible.
(
I recently related this story to a friend who has suffered with porn addiction, and he could not comprehend how I was able to pull this off. He was also rather shocked that Iʼve never masturbated to porn in my life. LOL.)
Unfortunately, there seemed to be a plateau. I could now fairly reliably approach at least one woman if I spent a few hours at the mall, but I still wasnʼt coming home with anything like the 10 approaches I should be doing; I still chickened out on most girls I wanted to approach, and especially ones I encountered outside of approach missions. What basically happened is that I wasnʼt masturbating as much as I would have naturally, but my body just kind of adapted to usually only getting it once a week. I was probably a bit hornier on average, but it wasnʼt enough to push me any further.
That went on for a long time. I had planned to gradually up the challenge by requiring myself to reach tougher or more voluminous goals for each orgasm, once the initial goal of just doing an approach became easy. The problem is, that goal
never did become easy, so I never upped the requirement. I had expected to reach a point where Iʼd be approaching left and right and masturbating left and right, but it never happened.
After the lay, I briefly tried upping the requirement, to only get myself off once for every
six cold approaches. It didnʼt work. I stayed at one or two approaches for a day at the mall, and my body just adapted to getting less sexual release; my sex drive if anything probably went down.
Thatʼs the point where I even further gave up on my city completely and turned attention back to relocating to Africa. In fact, I mostly relaxed the masturbation restrictions, so that I wouldnʼt waste my time aimlessly wandering the mall instead of planning out the Africa move.
5. A Recent Taste of Horniness
The other day, I pinged Cammie out of nowhere, and while Iʼm not holding my breath over a lesbian in an LTR who I screwed up on decades ago, she was friendly enough to make it worth a craps shot to get her out for a meet and at least try to get her home and escalate. If she swats me off when I try to touch her titties, oh well. But logistics are tricky and weʼre still back and forth to figure out a day.
When this started, I decided to refrain from masturbation, so Iʼd hopefully have more courage to escalate, and get hard easier. In past I would have worried that, since itʼs liable to go on a few days, this might make me
too horny, but Iʼve since reasoned that Iʼd rather — worst case — penetrate and spew cum in a couple minutes than to not even get it up. So I kept abstaining.
When it dragged on a few days, I was pretty horny and suffering painful vasocongestion. I almost reasoned, fuck it, just relieve myself because sheʼs probably going to fall through anyway. But then I thought,
what if I actually do get her out... then Iʼm better to wait. So I endured the aching balls.
And then on the way home from a minor errand, this black girl jogs past me. Iʼm not usually big on short girls, but she was fit. She was wearing a little crop top that exposed a lot of her back, and I found myself noticing her butter-smooth chocolate skin and the furrow of her spine and how the small of her back disappeared suggestively into her track pants, as her juicy ass jiggled behind the feminine curves of her broad hips and slim waist. Her pretty, natural Afro hair puffed out all loose and springy at the back. I felt
so sexually attracted to her!
I cursed myself for having gone out in a state unfit to talk to women.
I donʼt think my being by this time really horny was a necessary condition to my finding this girl beautiful, but I
do think that it added a certain urgency — a sharpness — to that perception.
I really liked this feeling.
I was reminded of advice that I recently gave to ElderPrice (
here and
here) about the importance of approaching a woman lustfully.
This all culminated in the idea to try something just a bit radical.
6. The Ultimate Sex Drive Hack?
I almost decided that
the next orgasm I get would directly come from sexual contact with a woman.
Part of me wants to find out what will happen if I completely cut out masturbation, to the point that getting sexual release requires not just
approaching a woman, or even getting a number or a date, but
seducing one.
I certainly donʼt consider myself a “NoFapper”. I
donʼt think thereʼs anything inherently wrong with masturbation, nor that it rewires the brain dysfunctionally. (
Porn might, but I donʼt speak from experience.) In fact, I think it can be a vital way to learn your own body. And if you happen to be in the fairly rare situation of physically having no access to women, youʼd drive yourself crazy without it!
I just think that, considering what a minority cute young black women are in my city, I need all the help I can get in picking up my balls to approach them way more often. If I knew that they are very literally my
only source of sexual pleasure, would I be able to hit on them in more volume?
I had briefly considered such a measure when I had first started approaching in early 2018, but thought better of it. Getting a girl to open her legs for me was
such a foreign thing, and being terrified even to approach them, I feared such a high bar would feel so unreachable that I wouldnʼt be motivated and would instead get discouraged and either have my sex drive crash or else find some excuse to start masturbating again.
So, I decided to condition orgasm on something that I knew I
could accomplish, if I could just get the balls to: going up to a girl shopping and talking to her. In hindsight, I
do think that was the right decision at that stage.
But now I
do actually have the experience of seeing my dick in the mouth of a cutie almost half my age who I hadnʼt spent a penny on. I
have actually had a sexy black girl I had only met days before on my bed with her legs spread open waiting for me to penetrate her. I know first-hand that it wasnʼt actually that difficult! So, “you donʼt get to jerk off until you get pussy” is not quite the devastating and demoralizing proposition it would have been this time a year ago.
7. Problems with a Complete Prohibition on Self‑Gratification
The
possible benefit of this extreme measure is obvious, but there are some problems I had to consider too, some of them quite serious:
- My sex drive could crash completely. More on this below.
- It could fail to make me approach more while still making me waste endless time trying to. This would distract me from working out prerequisites of the Africa move, which would in this case be a much better use of my time.
- I could potentially suffer P.E., although I certainly donʼt have that problem under normal conditions. In addition to being a sexual disappointment, this would also, when coupled with my present problems with condoms partly induced by the genital mutilation, potentially present an increased pregnancy risk.
- Itʼs a redundant measure, because I probably wouldnʼt need to sweat this in Africa, and I eventually have to live there, anyway. My baby mother to‑be is South Sudanese, and you donʼt find South Sudanese women here. Alone this isnʼt actually a reason against the measure, but it brings me to the next point:
- Staying here presents a risk of accidentally knocking up a (not South Sudanese) woman, and one thousands of miles away from South Sudan, at that, which would then force me into the extremely problematic situation of having to choose between having children on separate continents, or giving up on having my beautiful half‑South‑Sudanese child.
- Physically, itʼs not healthy to not be ejaculating regularly. Among other things, it elevates the risk of prostate cancer, the treatment of which can in some cases impair or destroy natural fertility. Fatherhood via IVF is still feasible in most cases, however that will not work for me, because my philosophy on sexual relationships probably precludes having anything other than an “oopsie” baby — which I do want.
- My standards could get totally wrecked. But suffice it to say, I would never pass any legislation like this without a clause automatically lifting the prohibition on discovery of any hard evidence that I might wind up in bed with a non‑black woman otherwise.
- Epididymal vasocongestion. Huge annoyance, but on the other hand also adds to the motivation!
- Medical tests may sometimes require it. Iʼd of course pen in a specific exemption for this.
Some of these points are minor things that could be addressed adequately without giving up the essence of the prohibition. However, points #1, #2, and #5 are particularly worrisome because they suggest that the whole idea could be useless and even potentially really destructive to my goals!
My first thought would, of course, be to just give it a try and stop it if the drawbacks seem to outweigh the good. However, this is likely to fail, because
such a measure doesnʼt have the same teeth when thereʼs a way out of it. I know myself well enough to realize that there is a huge motivational difference between “my next orgasm will come from a woman... unless it wonʼt”, and “my next orgasm
WILL come from a woman.
Period.”
For the measure to really work, Iʼd have to
irrecovably commit to it,
blindly, until the next time I have a woman naked and this time cum in her body. Meaning, if itʼs likely to backfire, I need to know that
before implementing it.
In trying to figure that out, Iʼll focus for now just on the first issue.
7.1. Sex Drive Crash
(Worse than a hard drive crash.)
There is some chance that my sex drive could crash from doing this. Iʼve heard of it.
In fact, Iʼve even kinda-sorta experienced it, although it was only a correlation.
I went through a period some years ago where I was only masturbating
very infrequently, and my sex drive had gone down to the point Iʼd sometimes have serious trouble even getting an erection to masturbate — which was remarkably distressing! During that era, I eventually tested very low for testosterone.
Iʼd be hard pressed, however, to say that not masturbating was the
cause. It was more likely just a symptom. I didnʼt masturbate much partly because I was too occupied with other things, but also in very large part because I didnʼt feel much sexual energy. This was a point in my life where, among other depressing circumstances, due to flawed beliefs about the mating game, getting an attractive girl into bed really felt like something that would almost surely never happen to me —
this, I think, was more likely the real cause.
I have noticed a rather strong pattern, that my own estimation of how likely I am to get sex any time soon (or at all) has a
huge impact on how horny I feel. From that perspective, since Iʼve already seen myself seduce a girl successfully, if I am going out and doing the things I know are likely to make it happen again, I would sort of expect to still probably get quite horny.
Now, there is a peak in testosterone after 7 days of abstinence, and then it falls again. But if you look at the charts a little farther out, it looks like it basically just goes back to the pre‑peak level — it doesnʼt actally “crash” to something much below baseline. Of course, there are likely a lot of other variables. Those charts make it look like the level is basically constant before the 7‑day peak, but Iʼm pretty sure Iʼm hornier after 3 or 4 days than after 1 day — so perhaps testosterone is not the only factor in whether you feel horny.
I also find that I can, to some degree, make myself horny on purpose. Thinking about sex — and even about making women pregnant — helps. Being around girls helps. Even looking at pictures of attractive women can help when I really tune them in. Another thing I have done before is to masturbate for a while and focus on the sensations and even the sight of my body, my balls, and my hard penis, and repeatedly get close to orgasm but then stop — itʼs almost cruel, but it does seem to get me horny! (Just as a warning, the buildup of blood that doesnʼt leave the genital area when the tension is not resolved, can be pretty painful for hours after.) Whether that horniness is transient (arousal phase) or persists well beyond the act (desire phase), Iʼm not entirely sure.
While a total crash might not be inevitable, Iʼm still quite worried my sex drive could lower. I have noticed that when I am masturbating more,
my appetite for sexual release seems to go up, to a point. Yes, it goes down for a while after climax, but it seems to rebound quicker than when Iʼm not masturbating much. By contrast, when I get really busy with other things to the point that I donʼt want to waste time masturbating, I find I also start to
need it less — which in this context I see as a bad thing. (Since Iʼm not getting laid regularly, not needing masturbation indicates a lowered sex drive.) Itʼs not someting Iʼve meticulously tracked, but thatʼs my general feeling.
I wish I could get more concrete information on what an indefinite abstinence from any sexual release, including through masturbation, would do to my sex drive. Most scientific research on the subject — itself rather spotty, — only deals with short abstinence. There are plenty of anecdotal reports regarding extended abstinence from masturbation, but these are almost universally in connection with porn addiction. Since I have never resorted to the infamous “PMO” in my entire life, and since it is alleged to have massive neurochemical impacts, I donʼt feel these anecdotes bear any real relevance to my situation. Just looking for any info at all from
non‑porn‑users like myself, only reveals to me the absolute ubiquity of internet porn use, and makes me feel almost like an alien for not getting off on porn!
8. Experimental Measure: Strategic Masturbation
Due to the above problems, in particular the concern that
complete abstinence might actually
lower my sex drive, I was reluctant to enact any absolute prohibition on self‑pleasuring. (As much as Iʼd be
really curious to see if sufficiently harsh terms would push me into approaching more!)
In particular, I came to suspect (and Iʼve seen it suggested elsewhere) that approach anxiety may be easiest to push through when your testosterone is as high as possible, and Iʼm very concerned that as much as it may not crash
completely, my libido would probably go down at least somewhat from its peak after sufficiently long abstinence.
Thatʼs when it occurred to me that instead of either
prohibiting self‑release or using it as a reward for approaching, maybe I should try to use it specifically as a measure to try to keep my sex drive as high as possible, by carefully regulating its timing.
The plan is to:
- Have a very brief period of frequent orgasm — say, 1 to 4 over the course of 1 to 3 days — intended to raise my appetite, and then stop.
- Give it at least 6 or 7 days without masturbating to orgasm. Concentrate on approaching women, especially after the 4‑day mark, when my physical urge often becomes noticeable.
- If I feel a strong need to masturbate to orgasm, then donʼt. Do everything possible to make myself horny, and for as long as I stay really horny, donʼt allow myself any sexual release unless itʼs from a woman. Try hard to view women as the best source of orgasm.
- Only once I feel my horniness start to really decline from the peak, go back to step 1.
(
The above has quite a bit more room for interpretation than Iʼd usually allow in regulatory measures, but hormones are such a vague and fickle thing, itʼs hard to set concrete terms.)
Ideally, I approach a woman around the 4th or 5th day of abstinence and then get a meet‑up somewhere between the 6th and 8th day, where Iʼm liable to be extremely horny.
I will implement this policy starting July 3, 2019. (Iʼve given myself a grace period to handle some stuff I want to handle before starting back up with frequent approach missions.)
The following exceptions, and none others, are available:
- Where under WPD dft. 0123 the current quantum of the scheduling thread associated with the pursuit of women in my current locale is exhausted, there is no restriction on masturbation to orgasm, up to 4 & 5/6 ejaculations per week. When a new quantum starts, proceed directly to step 2, as applicable.
- I may from time to time concurrently implement measures that use orgasm as an incentive to seduction activities. The present measure does not authorize masturbation to orgasm where it contravenes such a measure, and likewise, any orgasm through masturbation rewarded under such a measure cannot be realized until the present measure would prescribe it.
- I am always permitted to masturbate to orgasm where this is required to adhere to the instructions of a clinician in respect of a medical test.
This is an experimental measure. If at any point I am of the opinion that its net effect is counter-productive to seduction or reproductive goals, I may revise or rescind it by a public post to this journal, or, where that is not possible for a period of at least two weeks, by a ratified WPD device.
This measure is automatically and immediately rescinded if at any point I have willfully expressed or implied sexual intent towards a woman who is not in possession of substantial Common Era sub‑Saharan African descent.
9. Running Out Of Black Women
While researching possible hormonal links, I bumped into an approach anxiety programme at Good Looking Loser. (The author identified approach anxiety as the biggest challenge, with everything
else about getting laid being rather easy. This certainly vibed with my own experience.)
The preamble indicated a series of progressively more difficult exercises, intended to build up exposure in steps, starting from approaches with very small objectives. The first number of exercises are not intended to get closes. In fact, some of them, the intro went on to warn, are “meant to get bad ‘youʼre a creeperʼ reactions”.
And what was the
very first thing, here, that came into my mind?
That I could not do this. I could not do it, because I might run out of black women.
With hundreds of millions of black women on the planet, this off the top sounds just a tad ridiculous.
However, I donʼt yet own one of Roddenberryʼs transporter thingies. (If they worked between here and Africa, Iʼd probably kill for one.) So the numbers need a bit of reworking.
I once computed, very roughly, that my city probably has about 23,100 black women Iʼd feel at least somewhat inclined to approach. The age cutoff for that was a little low, and it didnʼt count mixed girls, some of whom Iʼd tolerate hitting on, so Iʼd consider that number an absolute minimum. Furthermore, that number is not static; it represents how many there are
at any one time, noting critically that new women are rotating into and out of that set all the time, and the set is also likely growing in size.
It would take me a few years to hit on 23,100 women
even if I was going at it fearlessly. Realistically, a bigger problem is how those women are geographically distributed.
Itʼs kind of like living in an ordinary medium‑sized city, but one which has an artificially low population density because it occupies the physical space of a major metropolis.
In part, that means I have to travel farther than I should have to travel to reach the same number of women, and likewise, they have to travel farther if I want them to come to me. My transportation logistics
in this country are presently not great. If I stick to venues within a distance convenient for me, I may as well only be living in a large
town. I computed that the women Iʼd feel inclined to approach that live within for me reasonably good logistics, probably amount to some 3,200, although that number didnʼt account for localized concentrations of black people that could potentially bring that up to a maximum of 10,600, per a very ad‑hoc survey I did, but Iʼd probably put that closer to six thousand or so.
Rationally speaking, these numbers look very
borderline. I donʼt think theyʼre low enough to make the problem
intractable, but at once it isnʼt
completely unreasonable to think thereʼs a problem. As it is, Iʼve sometimes seen the same girls on multiple occasions in the megamall I like to do approaches in; last year I accidentally approached one again by mistake, and that was with only about 60 approaches all year.
But I realize now that
it doesnʼt even matter just how rational the thought was.
What matters is that I thought it. Instinctively. It is now, rationally, quite obvious to me from this that my brain is afraid of approaching (black) women
because it believes that they are scarce. Itʼs something I have long suspected, but this makes me quite certain of it.
The purpose of the GLL exercises, and in particular the ones that would knowingly elicit bad reactions, is of course
outcome independence.
I
do have a degree of outcome independence. This is obvious because otherwise I would certainly not have laid Latoya. When I approached her, she was far from my ideal, so I truly didnʼt care all that much what happened.
However, in a more “big picture” sense, I lack outcome independence. I canʼt just blow approaches like I could stand on a beach throwing pebbles into the sea without ever running out of pebbles. Because I might run out of black women.
(Iʼm sorry, I just need a few moments... Iʼm here laughing at myself.)
I remind myself of a baby, lacking object permanence, who will begin crying profusely as soon as his mother is outside of his field of view — because if he canʼt see her any more, she must no longer exist.
9.1. Getting Outcome Independence
If living in Africa doesnʼt make me stop worrying about running out of black women, then I will have to conclude that the only means of giving my brain more intelligence would be a cyanide pill.
But I somehow suspect it
would work. Watching all those videos of Kampala made me feel almost sick in my stomach that Iʼm not there.
Would anything
less work?
I admittedly could have thought to try those chance-destroying exercises on
ugly black women.
Surely my brain would be smart enough to realize that the set of ugly black women and the set of beautiful black women are disjoint, right?
Right??
Why donʼt I like that idea?
Hell, if theyʼre
really chance-destroying, an obvious thought would be to run them on non‑black women.
But my doing anything that even vaguely approximates hitting on a non‑black woman would be blasphemy. I may as well rip out my soul and feed it to a ravening, hideous beast. I donʼt think I could even do it for a Hollywood camera; and most certainly not without already very publicly having a half‑black child, most preferably from a beautiful South Sudanese woman.
So long as I feel that way towards hitting on non‑black women — and thatʼs something I have no intention of changing — I doubt I can ever while living in my country have the degree of outcome independence that would enable fearless approaching.
With that said, there
is a way I could at least try to do those exercises, just on the off chance that they happen to somewhat work. My
biggest semi‑realistic concern is running out of the black women
in my vicinity. Ever since I had a really bad experience with “candle girl” due in no small part to her living half‑way across the city, I have been reluctant to do approach missions outside about a 4 mi / 6.4 km radius of my home. (And I do suspect this made getting laid a lot easier.) However, if the objective of the approach
is to throw it away anyway, then
why do it close to home?! Iʼm better off to intentionally locate myself as
far from home as is reasonably achievable, and then burn my chances with a bunch of beautiful black women I probably couldnʼt have laid anyway over bad logistics.
That actually sounds like a good idea.
The only problem is, Iʼm not sure if my brain will, on returning to
local venues, reason that
those women are a scarce commodity, and therefore not be able to transfer my prior courage to that situation. I have
a lot of trouble hitting on black women within a few blocks of my home, in a pocket where theyʼre almost not a minority — I suspect for this very reason. Which would
again point back to Africa.
But I guess itʼs worth a try.
9.2. Planning Implications
A few months ago, I implemented a policy of giving adaptively measured macroscopic time slices to different broad concerns according to chosen proportional shares. I decided that pursuing women locally and pursuing a move to Africa would get basically equal time shares, due to remarkable uncertainty as to which is the better short‑to‑mid‑term approach. (There is no question in my mind that Africa would be the better approach purely from the standpoint of women, but other factors make it a harder decision.)
The idea was, basically, to put the two themes into a race with each other. If, when they have been given equal time shares, Iʼve completely prepared the move prior to getting good with women here, then I move right away; if, on the other hand, I get good with women before the move is ready, then I have the option of putting it off based on convenience. (How likely I actually am to put it off, when in reality Iʼd probably sacrifice a small mammal to be living in Africa, is questionable.)
Iʼm not inclined to authorize any measure that emphasizes game here over moving. This is due to:
- the obviously problematic situation of black women being a minority here;
- eventually having to move anyway for reproductive reasons (i.e., no South Sudanese women here); and
- an accidental pregnancy in East Africa not fucking up my reproductive goals to the extent that one here would.
This is what led to the first exception given in the plan in § 8 above.
Another justification for that exception is not wanting to subject myself to a prostate cancer risk during points when Iʼm not even authorized (by the time share system) to act on the resulting horniness — especially given there being a degree of futility to my trying to run game here, anyway.
Iʼm going to throw in another rule, because I hate trying to run game in this country and think itʼs a waste of my time:
After each approach mission after June 6, 2019 of 4h or more of time in a prime venue (i.e., not suburban streets or other low‑traffic settings), if the mission did not produce at least two approaches per hour of time in the prime venue, then the scheduling thread under WPD dft. 0123 associated with the pursuit of women in my current locale will have its share decreased by 0.02, to a minimum of 0.04, until such time as my locale is in sub‑Saharan Africa. The said scheduling thread will have its share increased by 0.04, to a maximum of 1.0, each time I have had a new woman to a suitable sex location after June 6, 2019.
10. Women as Sex Objects — And Racial Implications
I recently counseled ElderPrice (repeat link:
here) on the importance of seeing women as sex objects — not in a disparaging or uncaring way, but so as to embrace the carnal pleasure of sex without the strings and emotional baggage. Being more animalistic about it. Focussing on my needs a little more. Iʼve gotten a lot better in this respect over the years, but I think I could still use more of it, myself.
I think that, while Iʼve improved a lot, on some deep emotional level, women do to an extent still intimidate me. I think that could be for a number of reasons, and itʼs hard to tease possible reasons apart. Only going for ones that are a relatively small minority in my location doesnʼt help. But all the heavy socialization towards being harmless is no doubt a
really big factor. Approach anxiety is in no small part a product of social repression. On some level Iʼm sure I still to some material degree see women as these beings who must be looked at with reverence.
I feel that I would, — along with said women, —
benefit from more deeply and unapologetically seeking to use beautiful (black) womenʼs bodies for my own sexual pleasure. Iʼm sure there is right now some feminist reading this on the verge of a stroke — and that is part of the problem.
While Iʼm on that licentious statement, I have to wonder to what extent the above bracketed word troubles my mindʼs sensibilities. I put that qualifier in brackets because (i) I didnʼt want to forsake my strong sense of beauty by omitting it entirely, but at once (ii) didnʼt want to falsely suggest that I consider those described by it to be any less worthy of respect than anyone else. That I would devote a whole paragraph to a single word illustrates how keenly aware I am of the heinous degradation and wholesale sexual exploitation suffered by black women at the hands of white men in particular times and places.
This even came across in my behaviour towards Latoya when I had her in bed. When I felt that getting her to suck my dick might help with the MGM‑ED problem, I ate her out first. Partly out of a desire to please and shame for having performed so poorly, and partly just out of sexual curiosity, but also because I was quite averse to the notion of degrading a black woman.
I do realize that I couldʼve been quite a bit more dominant with her and she wouldnʼt have minded at all. In fact, she had even told me that as a bisexual, she likes how guys are more aggressive and take what they want, and do shit girls wonʼt do, like (LMAO) choking. If anything, I have to suspect that treating her like a sex toy
wouldʼve turned her on even more!
I wonder if on some unconscious level I have trouble being more dominant with women because, for me, that would inherently also mean that Iʼm being dominant
specifically towards black women. Itʼs
not because Iʼd feel any more free to objectify black women than I would be to objectify any other sort of women — itʼs just that
theyʼre all I want! Does this cause me some additional level of undue inhibition? Iʼm not sure. Realistically, as long as Iʼm not objectifying them any more than black men do, I shouldnʼt care. (And thatʼs not intended as any kind of statement against black men. Maybe just an observation that theyʼre a wee bit less likely to be little pussies.)
A little while back I was quite accidentally faced with a picture — fidelity way too high to be antique — of a barely dressed black woman who at least
seemed to be in great distress, in shackles and shit, apparently being pushed around and/or tortured by a white man. (Not exactly an ugly one, iir.) It was being presented out of context, but reasonably Iʼd assume that this was all voluntary between two people who know about safe words and get off on strange shit. Iʼm not into BDSM so I canʼt really relate.
(I
almost wonder if maybe I
should be... lol... you know, help me look at sex and women more irreverantly!)
Anyway, this picture made me cringe,
in a way that I wouldnʼt have cringed had this been, say, a white woman and Chinese dude.
Should it? Thatʼs a hard question.
(
Something perhaps worth mention. This I know partly from having read a book by a black woman who survived American slavery — only book to ever make me cry profusely. White men fucking female slaves was extremely common and ranged anywhere from downright rape to semi‑normal — and thus remarkably ostracized — relationships. It was pretty common for the white wives of plantation owners to become extremely jealous and even miserable that their husbands paid more attention to the slave girls than them. Some of the most cruel and spiteful treatment towards slave women actually came out of white women. What was most often absolute objectification was nevertheless the subject of ruthless jealousy.)
11. Shit, She Caught Me Looking!
A bit of an epiphany here.
I like the idea of getting myself in “horndog looking to fuck” mode right before an approach. However, itʼs something Iʼve done only very rarely (though, to good effect).
In thinking about this, it occurred to me that itʼd be a lot easier to pull off if I could
really take the girl in good before approaching. However, that is problematic.
I have, throughout my current practice of cold approach, put a lot of emphasis on the girl
not knowing youʼve noticed her until you wind up beside her. The whole “sprezzatura” concept — the less effort she
sees you put in, the better off a position youʼre in. Not establishing a frame of you chasing her.
Well, right now, my biggest problem is most certainly
not women thinking Iʼm chasing them. I know this because my success ratio per approach is actually not that bad. My bane is quite simply
not approaching nearly enough women!
Alas, I have numerous approach boogeymen, but one of the things that really spooks me out of approaching a woman is when she sees me looking at her before I approach.
But I think it goes beyond even just this particular situation. I think that on some NLP‑esque psychological conditioning level, by putting tremendous emphasis on the woman not seeing me looking at her,
Iʼm actually putting myself into an overall “she shouldnʼt catch me hitting on her” mentality — sabotaging the whole attempt to approach because Iʼm now
trying not to do the very thing Iʼm trying to do! And furthermore,
making myself feel that Iʼm trying to do something wrong.
From this standpoint, I think that this emphasis on totally smooth, surprise approaches is probably doing me much more harm than good. I should really stop worrying about this. Unfortunately, itʼs going to take some training, because Iʼve really deeply internalized this fear of being caught prematurely. I have to remind myself that, if my results plummet, I can always go back to my current style. Itʼs all just a learning exercise.
I think there are many benefits to the alternative approach, of just letting myself check a girl out without worrying if she sees me do so:
- It enables me to sexualize her in my head, which should both increase the innate drive to approach, and also put me in the right mental state to set a good initial frame.
- To me, it seems to convey confidence, if youʼre checking her out and you donʼt give a shit that she knows it. (Something tells me that “naturals” donʼt go out of their way to hide the fact that theyʼre about to approach a woman.)
- If she does catch you anyway, looking away feels so submissive. Which just ruins everything and makes me not even want to approach. Sure, you should just roll with it if she catches you — but if youʼve so heavily trained yourself that looking or being caught looking is bad, chances are, youʼre going to look away as a reflex.
- Some prior eye contact may make the approach feel less jarring or forced, since she knows I noticed her and so on some level may now be anticipating my approach.
- It gives me a better chance to spot things to open her with, be it things to compliment or things sheʼs looking at.
- It may make the approach a lot less intimidating if she gives me receptive body language. This could make a huge difference in how many women I approach!
- It could also make approaching more efficient, because it encourages approaching the most receptive women.
- In past Iʼve actually had some rather cute black girls smile when they saw me checking them out. (Too bad I barely ever approached back then — theyʼd have probably been easy lays!) This canʼt ever happen when youʼre avoiding eye contact like the plague.
Now, this
doesnʼt mean I have to lock eyes on the girl and then march across the room straight towards her — causing congruence problems later if Iʼm not
extremely bold throughout the whole seduction. I can still take the approach that I currently tend to take of trying to slip beside her casually. A combination of both could work nicely: she sees me check her out from afar, then a few minutes later Iʼve wound up beside her. On some level, she may of course realize that I closed in on her on purpose, but
it could still seem smooth and effortless.
At first, my goal will be to
intentionally make cute black women notice that Iʼm checking them out. The idea here is simply to try to forcibly deprogram my aversion to having this happen. Once Iʼm not avoiding it at all, I can just let things progress naturally and
not care if she notices or not.
I look forward to trying this mentality. Could be a game changer for me!
12. Chemical Help
Iʼm not big on pharmaceuticals/drugs, particularly where the mechanism of action seems vague or overly brute‑force. And Iʼm
really not convinced on herbals in general.
But I read an article, iir on ROK, that claims
theanine, a chemical found in small quantities in some teas, is, at least in somewhat larger doses, very effective at removing social/approach anxiety.
Iʼd tend to be skeptical, but there
is some research supporting its effects against anxiety, though itʼs certainly equivocal in that other research has failed to find benefit. Itʼs not like the ROK author had much incentive to lie about his experiences — I donʼt think he was selling it, and itʼs widely available. And he hadnʼt even intended it to work on approach anxiety, instead just experiencing this effect incidentally, suggesting to me that it wasnʼt a placebo effect.
So far, it looks like most research agrees at least that it doesnʼt have
harmful effects under all reasonable conditions. (If anything, this would also make me suspect it wonʼt
do much, either, but anyway.) Meaning, thereʼs no harm in trying it, just to see if it does actually improve the situation.
I may just do that. When it comes to approach anxiety, I need all the help I can get right now.
I also found out recently that my idea of using leutenizing hormone or other earlier HPG‑axis hormones to stimulate endogenous testosterone production, is indeed used instead of testosterone replacement in cases where fertility is desired. This may address my multiple concerns with ordinary TRT.
Iʼve also learned that horniness is modulated by several neurotransmitters, including dopamine, in addition to testosterone.
Iʼm thinking to try to get my GP to give me a referral to an endocrinologist. Iʼve noticed that if I abstain for a week or more, erection becomes much easier, and conversely, my dick behaves quite similarly in the minutes and hours after orgasm as it did when I was with Latoya. In addition to that and the HPG‑axis stimulation, I also intend to bring up approach anxiety, because I have some reason to believe that itʼs governed by testosterone also.
I recently read a piece written by a high‑testosterone dude, who couldnʼt relate to approach anxiety being
a thing. Basically said, yeah, heʼll get a little nervous sometimes, but he just goes in. Actually chickening out over it seemed, to him, laughable. He observed that guys who learn to pick up women
as an academic skill are almost always scrawny, low‑T dudes. He likened the difference between learning PUA and having high‑T as crossing a river by training for months on how to swim across, versus hopping in a speedboat — both get you to the same place, but one involves so much less work! lol
13. Reduction of Records
I have this habit of taking profuse records regarding interactions with females (and a few other things).
While I do think that detailed records can sometimes be helpful, I canʼt forget the little detail that keeping them means that chickening out on a girl produces far less
work after the fact than approaching her. I donʼt want to on some unconscious level discourage myself from taking an approach because of that work. I also donʼt want to actually consume that valuable time that could be put to better use in approaching more women.
In particular, I have to remind myself that Iʼm actually
not that terrible with the women I actually approach! By far my biggest problem is, very simply,
not approaching enough women!! So, itʼs not like I badly need an in‑depth analysis of every damned approach.
Obviously Iʼm not going to just up and stop taking notes entirely, but I need to tone it down
a lot. For
most approaches, the notes should basically just cover:
- Factual information I should remember in order to properly interact with the girl later, such as where we met, really basically what she looks like, name, any factual personal stuff, and anything we joked about.
- My basic feeling of how it went, in a sentence.
- Anything unusual that I tried, and if so how she responded.
- Anything unusual that she said or did.
Vanilla shit that is basically the same from one approach to the next is not worth mentioning. Nor are little incidental details like how I noticed her or details of the route I used to reach her, beyond anything sheʼd have noticed or
not noticed.
In particular, I should stop incessantly trying to
enumerate all the technical shit I didnʼt do. Not to downplay the importance of “fundamentals”, but I didnʼt have much conscious control or awareness of most of them when I approached Latoya,
but that didnʼt stop her from sucking my dick.
I also have to think about not automatically testing the audio files afterwards. My typical pattern is that after an outing, Iʼll walk home — sometimes over significant distance — and record voice notes in my phone on the walk. (And in some cases, take a circuitous route on purpose in order to have more time to take the notes.) Early on, I had problems with wind in the recordings making parts unintelligible, but I rigged up a windscreen that seemed to largely solve that; however, the earlier problems got me in the habit of listening back over them right the next day or so while it was fresh enough in my mind to fix it if anything got screwed up.
However, even on double-speed and doing chores while listening, itʼs still more work that I donʼt really need, and after the windscreen fix, itʼs remarkably rare that the recording fucks up. Most of the time, the exercise only causes me to remember and record
even more petty details. I should still check them once in a while, to make sure the process isnʼt totally fucked up, but I should think of that as spot checks, not systematic vetting.
I think the more useful mentality here is, if I miss some detail or the recording screws up,
oh fucking well. Itʼs not like I canʼt just go out another day and talk to more girls to get essentially the same information. Itʼs almost like abundance vs. scarcity! lol
