Wednesday
Had a massive reflection of my beliefs and have found that I don't actually align all that much with my parents political / moral views other than what has been theirs, and that I actually act very hypocritically in that I have pointed the finger at other people in criticism of the things I do before (and possibly often). The need to cling to some belief system was based out of comfort to have one, as I never took the time to explore this side of my beliefs. When I was younger I deviated from my Christian upbringing, and then I guess my other beliefs evaded that harsh critical period.
The past few days have been somewhat rough because of the cognitive dissonance carrying itself around and creating anxiety. That goes to show even more that there are still unresolved issues.
I spoke with my cousin (recently married philosophy major) and he told me that he asked himself many of the same questions when he began to become an adult - and to use him as a place to bounce ideas off of / confide in if I saw that I needed to.
So, I guess I'm doing some soul searching. I want to take my winter break to identify and just really wittle out some deeply rooted, find their origin, and come to terms with whatever it is. Something in me is holding me back, but it's myself VS myself, not the world against me.
And here's something I've thought about with my need for external validation. If you live life off of external validation, well, that can do some pretty bad things to you. If you become externally validated without being internally validated (you have lots of people that seem to like you, but they don't know "the real you" / they like you for the wrong reasons), then that's gonna fuck with your identity and you satisfaction in whatever that lifestyle placement provides for you. Furthermore, if you do just try to fulfill the external validation, you will ultimately fall on your face because meeting someone's expectations of "great" will also meet someone's expectations of "annoying / shitty". You can't win the everybody-like-me game. It's a bottomless pit. Not only that, but then you're just scuplting yourself into another persons reality for THEM, and actually bringing less to the table. What's more valuable, an original, self-made man, or a sleek copy of what other people think / do / how they ought to act? You bring less to the table because it's someone elses idea, you're not anything out of the ordinary. So if you're not doing it for YOUR REALITY and YOUR EXPECTATIONS of YOU, you're essentially investing in a finite space, and probably getting diminishing returns as you box yourself into a segment of someone else's social construct. If you make it your expectation of you, in your reality, then you have nearly unlimited capacity for growth / originality.
Hence,
Foregoing self, the universe grows I.
Thursday
Had my last exam and then banged that chick from class. All I did was wait for her after I finished the test, she came out, we small talk with a couple other classmates, then I start walking with her and screen for logistics. We get to her place, she's not reciprocating very well but I continue to push forward and pretty soon my dicks in her. Didn't meet any resistance, it was just that she had little body language other than me smelling a little bit of musk and some minor breathing changes.
Went out that night and came to a realization - one of my closests friends doesn't actually respect the majority of our group.
Ever since he got to his senior year and been living with his frat (this dude is the alpha of his annex) the dude has been more and more removed from our friend group. He's making new friends and is growing - I think its great! I wish more people in our group would follow suite, actually, because once college is over they're gonna have a harder time making friends in the real world, we won't be in situations where people are thrown into a tightly packed community (other than work but that's not always a great harvest of people, necessarily).
But the dude just doesn't show us respect anymore - that's the issue. He is very good at telling people what they want to hear, which is why he's so charismatic most of the time. He flat out told me, that he's at first an asshole to people or tests them somehow and after getting some sort of emotional response from them, then we switches telling them what they want because it makes people go through a series of emotions about you ending with good emotions - then the person is more likely to go on with a love + fear relationship, placing you in a lot of power.
It makes total sense, and is actually a pretty intelligent manipulation of human psychology, but when I see him doing it, or some other type of social manipulation to me, and to other people in the group, I feel disrespected somehow. For example, he'll make a suggestion to me about what we should do in a few minutes, giving exact information about the situation (the bar in the sports arena stops serving at [time], in the last quarter), then other people will not want to go to the bar because of XYZ, and he'll turn to them and say we'll just go later. Then turn to me with a new subject. Then around the time the bars about to close, I'll bring up, yo, let's get out of here and go, and then he'll PLAY DUMB to me and to the rest of the group. "Why would we go now? Let's go there at [time after bar closes], we have plenty of time". I was willing to see this as forgetfulness, as most everyone else does, but when the dude has such a high EQ, and I know that he manipulates people, it makes me very skeptical.
Also I'm afraid that my goal to become excellent with women has been picked up on and misconstrued by some members of his fraternity. I overheard the conversation, "so he'll just keep learning and learning game. Like, end of college if someone were to ask, what's your greatest accomplishment? *uhhh.. I fucked some really hot bitches*, it's not that they don't like him anymore for trying to do that it's just, they don't respect him as much. There's better things out there, you know?". That, and right when I sat down with the boys he goes "Hue are you tryna go out tonight?" and I say "eh, there won't be a ton of people out, I'm not sure" and he goes "Ah bro, no game tonight bro. If there's no game for me to game, idk" and I just laugh and say "yea no game not hunting brotha".
I could be being a little egomaniac right now and think it's about me, but.. it adds up. Somehow they pick up on my pick up --> respect goes down --> my social value goes down --> dude more openly disrespects me. But you know, fuck it. I know what I'm getting myself into, and I know why I'm doing it. I want to be able to one day have access to high quality women and know how to attract, pull, and hold onto them someday. I want to be able to say I'm a genuine man. I get these things from setting and meeting my goals, not letting some shit-talk about why I shouldn't live the life I choose to live get in the way of that.
Anyways, whether this dude really is just flippant or manipulating people, I don't need him. That's not saying, fuck him, I don't need him, it's saying that I'm independent of what he says and does. So we go out to this bar and it quickly get's overrun with greek life I chit chat with some people and make friends over a game of pool.
Then my musicians friends roll in and this sexy latina catches my eye. I introduce myself and break the touch barrier quickly. I ask what she does and she starts to tell me that she has a lot of baggage. I find this odd, change the subject then leave. Hindsight I think she was 1). shit testing or 2). slightly rejecting me by making herself seem unattractive in some way. She keeps doing this sexy as dance infront of all the people though, so she wants something. I went with possibility 1). in my execution.
Later I have to compete for a second with this player in a frat over the girl. I was working somewhat of a BMOC but with a dash of slow burner (talking to a lot of people, but disappearing into the crowd when necessary, and being short and direct with her after getting passed the initial phases of reintroducing conversation).
Eventually we get back to the musicians house after party (right next door to me) and start drinking and blasting music. I bounce around to a few people and talk, while keeping my eye on the player and on the latina. Eventually the player and I are talking about this idea of separating your entities of your parents from yourself and becoming independent in the adult world, and he brings up how sexy the latina is. I go, "Hahaha! Yea man she's looking pretty fine. I mean, I don't like to compete.. unless I am!" and we share a laugh about this. Whether or not he took the last part seriously in that moment, I'm not sure.
I bounce around people some more then see the latina alone, and the player alone in separate corners of the room. It occurs to me if I don't strike now, he might. I pop over to her and quickly move her to another room. She starts saying she has a boyfriend, and she really wants to, but she has a boyfriend. I hadn't brought up anything! So, I start talking very slowly with strong eye contact about this very thing. It kind of felt like a gotcha! moment, because as I was doing this her eyes started giving me that sparkle. We got very close and our faces were almost touching, and then the host comes in and creates a distraction. At this point I was pretty drunk, and let the distraction happen, breaking the tension I had just made, and then we separate. I find out later she couldn't find her friends and went home.
After this the player starts talking much more to me, almost as if he was angry, but asking questions about me and topics I like. Odd. I wonder if it was just the snow in his nose.
I get offered a ski trip but decline, since I've been a good boy for a few months and don't want to fuck that up.
Friday
Stayed In and did family shit. Right as I was leaving the girl who was bussing a table gave me a look, and I SO wanted to approach, but didn't because I was with family. I think this is yet another incidence of me not doing the things I want to do because of what my family will think. I have to take a look at this some more.
Saturday
I worked then met up with some friends. Lot of missed opportunity tonight:
1st - I roll up to the bar and my friends are mostly in the bag. There's some really cute girls from my highschool (they're currently college sophomores) at a table next to them. I say hi to all of my friends with some slightly too big drunken hugs, then turn to the girls and they all give me IOI's. I tell them it's a pleasant surprise seeing them, break the touch barrier quickly with the hottest one (AAAH GOD DAMN AS SHE GOTTEN HOTTER) and ask if they're gonna join us. She says she doesn't know what they're doing, and I go "who's in charge here?" in this funny voice and they all laugh. Then tell them where we're going and they can come if they're feeling it. I turn back to the dudes and lead us to the next bar. Good display in front of these girls for if and when I see them over winter break.
2nd - So my drunk friends eventually start dropping like flies and then it's just me and my homie at this "adult bar", the same one I met Victoria at. Right when we're getting a drink I start chatting up this HB7 blonde sitting at the bar, who's trying to close her tab. She ends up telling me she doesn't like Xmas because she's Athiest and her whole family is, that she's a research (as am I) and I manage to incorporate a slight deep dive about the atheism thing, then switch it to what else she'll be doing for the time of work she'll be getting, religious or not, other than talking to cute men at the bar. She likes this and we get a little more touchy, but then all of a sudden she's aloof. I turn back to my friend and say let's move around, then turn to her and tell her to find me. She eventually comes back when I'm talking to another girl and says "Oh, I see you move fast, don't you!!" angrily and storms off.
3rd - The girl that scared off the athiest woman opened me, and is a girl from my highschool I've almost hooked up with at the bar before, and also tried to get coffee with. I can smell the attraction on her (last time she did this was the day after I was making out with my ex in a bar, passionately as fuck, in front of every lol) and start moving things forward, but then boom, my friend from HS (9 with a boyfriend) comes up and distracts us. I never got that attraction back, then she eventually got pretty drunk and 3 dudes competing for her, making it hard for me to get her away. Had a creepier moment at one point because I went and got drunk then came back to her talking with another guy, but didn't have much to say. I invited them to an after party and that was that.
4th - I'm hanging with my friend who's a DJ that I bumped into, and there's a cloud of girls around him. A girl that looks like ASAP Rocky (looks like a dude) opens me and tells me I'm really hot. I'm flattered and thank her for the compliment, then get introduced to her better looking friends. I invite all of the to the after party and they're down, and this asian bitch is giving me subtle IOI's so I had my target. We get to the uber and the uber driver doesn't believe me that I'm me. I show him my phone, and then he gets out of the car and TACKLES this random guy on the street. I'm sitting there like what. the fuck? I cancel the uber, call a new one, try to get the girls going, but now they're startled and diffuse somewhere else along the street. Great lol. I went to the after party but didn't stay long.
Sunday
Worked all day, then got a Snapchat from my old FB that is her pressing her tits on her arm with a cute smile and "Hii". I snap her back "hello there" and then get a similar picture of her asking how I am. I get off work, and snap her back what I'm doing, then ask her how's [name]? And get one of her in bed "Drunk, high, and missing you". I get home and immediately call her. On the phone I chit chat, tell her it's great to hear her voice (it is, she's got the cutest most girly voice). She says she feels like the lava lamp in front of her, warm, fuzzy, but moving slow up until that really exciting part. I take this as she wants to fuck lol. She says got some weed edibles and I tell her that she ought to give me some, then say we should see eachother soon. She says "what are you doing now?" so I know it's on. I tell her we should meet up, now, and share some edibles. She's like "oh... really? now?" and I push through the test and say "yea, I'll pick you up. texts me your address" and boom, I do.
I pick her up and we have a good time. She really is a great girl. Totally down to earth, free spirited, really in touch with her feelings, and very sexual. Great FB material. I would say GF, but she's too sexually open for me to be confident in holding her down. She's also a model and get's lots of guys on her shit.. but this might just be a result of me being insecure. More on that later.
We get to my house, hang out, slowly touch eachother more, then I steal a kiss, we touch more, then I go in for an actually escalation and it goes well. She says she wants a tour, which means take me to your bed, so I do. I lay down on my bed and she get's on top of me, pushes me down and we start going at it. God, she is so fucking sexy. Her entire aesthetic, body shape, combined with her girly mannerisms and voice are just great.
We're hooking up slowly but surely and she's getting really wet. I start finger blasting her and she's vocal. Then, I can't get my dick up.. because of performance anxiety. I wanted to to fuck her so well, and make her have a billion orgasms, and the thought of that grew in my head to the point I couldn't get it up all the way. She sucks me off and I get to about 85%, but I just couldn't get that rock hardness, from the anxiety. I end up eating her out for like 15 minutes, boy was that fun, and make sure she has some orgasms. I also did the come hither motion while eating her out for a while, but this technique is hard to do, which made me get even worse anxiety.
Finally, after her grinding her pussy on my dick for long enough, I'm up and read to go. She rides me cowgirl and holy fuck, has she gotten better at sex. Like I was captured with her eye contact and motions. We fuck for about 20-25 minutes, and it ends with me ravaging her in doggy. She "can't move" afterwards. Then we were both so fucking baked off these edibles and tired from sex we kind of just spoon and nap in my bed for a few hours before I finally drive her home.
Throughout the whole thing though, I made many mistakes. I would say things incongruent, invest more than I should have, qualify myself, and say some patronizing things about people. I think the anxiety + the weed + my current state of mind with trying to adjust my worldview to my own and stray from my parents just compounded to something less than optimal. I still had a good time with her, and the sex was solid, but.. something just wasn't there - and I feel like it was me. She totally seems to have gotten herself figured out.
I digress. What happened happened. Hopefully we can do something over break again.