A Lover's Adventures

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
750
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

I had to take a hard look on myself the last 3-4 weeks and find out my true desires. I must admit that if I really wanted to get daygame cold approach down at this moment of my life, I'd probably have done it by now. But I haven't. My conclusion for the last 11 weeks is that I am not at a point in my life where I want to meet people by cold approaching.

So what are my true desires?

1. I have had a reincarnation of my passion for taekwondo. The last two weeks, it has been the only thing that occupies my mind. It felt like it just happened.. it's like a passionate fire is burning through every molecule of my body - like I'm living and breathing it! I want to improve in it again. And now that I'm done with my rehab sessions, nothing can stop me..

2. Right now there is something about my sexuality I'd love to find out: why did sex yesterday, after a dry spell lasting three months, relieve me of all my frustrations? Masturbation couldn't do it. Thus, I wonder what it is that made me feel good afterwards. Is it because I have a higher sex drive than I have anticipated, and I finally broke the spell? Is it because I finally got some physical intimacy with a great FWB? Or maybe a reason I'm not aware of? This is something I'm genuinely curious about.

That would be my biggest desires at this very moment in my life: anything related to the sport I love the most. And explore my sexuality more.

Side note: I find it ironic that I don't care for cold approach, but online apps are no problem for me at all. Perhaps it's because it's easier. Who knows. But I will not lie to myself: I want to explore Tinder more than cold approaching. So online game it is!

And as far as that goes, I'm matching with girls here and there, and I have one promising lead for now. I'd like a bunch of experience and reference points with this. So yeah, that will be my next objective. I will not make any large goals with deadlines because of other priorities. So for now, it's all about having fun, being bold and taking chances =)
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
750
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

Tinder process:
- I'm not matching with as many girls as I'd like. Not sure which pictures to use to improve this while projecting an image of my genuine self. But maybe it doesn't matter as long as the pics are attractive.

- The ones I match, though, tend to respond to my openers now. Not sure why. I screen some of them for being "troublemakers" (in the flirty sense) here. When they want to qualify as troublemakers, it's a green light. Other times, it's pretty random how I open

- Escalating the conversation is the hard part. I feel it's difficult if the girls don't give green lights, but respond nonetheless.

- My number closing is impersonal with the ones I've reached this far with. It's out of the blue without a conversational peak beforehand.

On the other hand, multiple green lights can be a double-edged sword. I had one promising lead that made me think "this is too good to be true". I asked for her number after we had a place to meet up, and deflection/resistance began :D She was like "What?! Haha". Funny respons since all our conversation had suggested we should meet and get lost somewhere, and then she acted "surprised". Oh girls! I framed it as her idea, and she played along replying "And I usually get good ideas :):):)". Um yeaaa. Here's where I poke too much fun at her, and she hasn't replied since. But hasn't unmatched either. Give her some distance and try again another time.

I have another promising lead from Canada. She must have studied GC herself because she's so easy to have a conversation with and knows how to present herself. I might have been trying too hard with her, but we'll see if she plays along my current frame of me and her on an adventure :)

Social circle:
There's a girl I'm interning with, and we seem to be pretty similar in a lot of ways. But I feel like the window has closed. It's like she has been distant the last couple of days. I forced a conversation with her today and realized it neither helped nor hurt me. I was reminded of Drexel's "with women, the conversation IS the point". And I didn't feel like I had anything to talk to her about today. Don't know what to do with her.. but not forcing a conversation would be a good idea :)) fortunately, I'm getting better at not forcing conversations. If conversations die, let them.
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
750
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

Social circle today:
The girl from last post, I'll call her LL, ran up to me outside after our day ended. We talked on our way to the bus stop, and she was supposed to take another bus. I tell her she can take the same as me since it's temporarily driving a route that'll take her to her destination. She complies. She is letting me deep dive again her without trouble. And I relate back. Then she has to get off, and I didn't think or feel anything about it. It was just a conversation, I thought.

Now, a couple of hours later, I was reminded of the younger me who would occassionally have similar scenarios happen, and do nothing about it. Then girls would go cold eventually. This time, I'm figuring, why not follow up on it? She could have ignored me. She must have been way behind me since I didn't notice anyone when I was leaving the building. Could have been out of politeness she did it. But what if she was actually putting herself out there to signal.. well, her availability?

(The above is important. It says a lot about my mindset change and awareness over the last couple of years. I wonder if other girls have given me less chances than she has?)

I decided to call her and ask her to hang out in the weekend. And she happily agreed, but had to check her schedule. I got the feeling this would take some time, and told her to text me or call me once she knew. She texted me and wants to meet just the two of us. Let's see if it's solid or flakey.

(The reason for the call: I can't get her alone at any point during the internship, and I've already felt the window closing once. So I figured "Just do something, and do it now". I could have waited for the weekend to come closer, but then would be the risk of the window closing. We'll see if I'm shooting myself in the foot).

I have no ideas what to expect lol!
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
750
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

LL came over, and one of the first things she tells me, is that she is autist and gets uncomfortable when people touch her. Oh well.. it explains some of the things about her that made me think twice. At first, it made me wonder if she was really testing me.. but I dropped that thought quickly and made up my mind to stay away from her sexually ("unknown territory" kind of excuse). Anyway, I think she could become a good friend. She opened up a lot, and we had a great time regardless.

On to the next one :)
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
750
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

10 weeks has passed since my vacation ended. I've tried to meet girls during internships, and I get the feeling people have their guards up. Wearing the social mask. They are surprised if you ask them simple questions such as "how are you, what have you been up to, what are you doing later". Amazing. Of course, it might just be with me they are that way. But I think they are looking for a kind of value I'm not offering them - value such as tips that will help them with their career. And the simple questions are probably left to other social enviroments (bars, parties etc.) or people already filling out roles fit for those questions (immediate family, close friends, dorm mates etc.). In my academic circle, I've found that it's best to be introduced to girls through friends. But I also find that the closer I am to getting my degree, the more non-single people I'm meeting. These days, it's like people are expecting you to be in a relationship by now :D So many factors to consider..

But looking back at the first 10 weeks of internships and other life missions, I can't help but feel that I am nailing it! When I'm busy designing my future life, it's like all other worries disappear. I don't have time to worry. If I find fundamentals I can improve, it's not a "uuurh, now I also have to improve this..." mindset anymore, but more like "Oh, I should fix this. Why not be the sexiest version of myself?" It's like I have built a forward momentum of excessive energy in the areas of my life I truly want to improve on!

But it comes with one tradeoff: I don't feel like working on girls. If working on my future lifestyle is the main dish, then girls are dessert. If I have some space left in my gut to improve gaming them, I will. I'm a little disappointed it has come to this because I enjoy girls the most when I'm enjoying my life at its fullest :) It raises the question: how the hell will I meet girls in real life when I'm feeling this happy, but I keep claiming that I don't have the energy to meet them (or escalate with those I'm texting on Tinder)?

I will give cold approach another try. But this time, instead of consciously looking for girls to approach, which is stressful, I will approach those that catch my attention as I'm doing my thing.

Other lessons - learned or relearned
- You will never be able to satisfy everybody. Do your own thing.
- Tell people when they cross the line.
- Porn is boring when your life is filled with purpose.
- If people are doing favors simply because they want to help, return them eventually! =) It's not often I've had people help me, but when they do, they should know their efforts are appreciated.
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
750
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

Oh, the irony

I opened 3 different girls on Tinder on Friday, I had been matching them in the span of 2 weeks. They all replied throughout the weekend. I was about to answer them yesterday, but got an urgent call and forgot about them afterwards.

Guess what? Today, ALL of them are gone :'D They must have collectively decided to unmatch me! Never had this happen before. Interesting!
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
750
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

Went on a date with Julia from Tinder the other day. Short backstory: matched with her in August. we have been wanting to meet up since start October, but logistics are terrible. Because of all the postposning, she even had to tell me something along the lines of "sorry for all the trouble, I'm not trying to hint anything" - meaning that she didn't want to get rid of me. I might have become mad about it a year ago. I just ignored it, and we managed to set up the date.

It was pretty chill time on Starbucks. I find that my vibe was relaxed, and I focused on telling the sides of myself that I wanted to tell her about. She probably knew a little about me already since she's friend with somebody I met sometime ago (didn't bother finding out how much she knew). And as far as she goes, I deep dived here and there. Not too much, not too little. At one point she was checking out my mouth obviously. I recall I remained unfazed and did the same later. We had an hour or so before we had to go our separate ways. I haven't texted her since our date ended, since I don't see the point, yet. Might shoot her a Xmas and NYE greeting. Bad move? We'll see.

The energy was great, pretty much like meeting an old friend. I don't feel crazy about her. But I feel like I should get whatever experience I can get since I'm scarce on dating experience.
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
750
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

Something I forgot to write the other day.

I had my FWB over sometime ago, but we had to move our meeting because of logistics. We made it a short session, but when she left, I was left with a funny feeling. It seemed like she wanted to get it over with, and that was the only thing I saw immediately.

The next day, I tried to suppress my emotional response in order to think clearly about it. And then it hit me:

We couldn't make the nice, long foreplay because we were short on time. Not late into intercourse, she even wanted me to cum. This messed me up while I was at it. I couldn't enjoy it as I'm used to.

But as I was thinking more about it, it made sense. She just wanted a quickie. We were used to these long sessions, and I haven't had a quickie for years. I took it personal, yet it might have been anything but personal. She didn't want me to get it over with because of me, but because of the time.

I'm glad I didn't let my emotions completely ruin my day. And I hope she didn't sense anything weird about me. But if she did, then it is what it is.

Why am I posting this? Because I see I have a pattern from my past where I get mad at or insecure about the weirdest things with girls every now and then and feel they somehow "conspire" against me. I don't wanna go into details, but let's just say it's pretty irrational. And I'm proud to acknowledge my emotions, but not act on them.
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
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Messages
750
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

Oh, there's more to my previous post. Because that post was just one incident where I was insecure about something related to girls, yet managed to think clearly about the events. I'll go as far as to say I'm understanding my emotions a lot better than ever and view them in a different light.

The lessons from this post will serve as a good wrap up for 2017.

The last month or so, I am beginning to realize one thing. But it was today it was crystal clear to me. First a backstory of the event:

I saw a familiar face in the libary on my campus last week. I wasn't sure where I had seen her before. But I was sure I knew her.

I saw her in the library again today, and I knew it right away: she's one of the girls I slept with last year. And if my guess is correct, she's studying the same subject as myself right now.

As I was sitting there, I thought I should go talk to her and see how she's doing. But... That thought triggered an immediate fight or flight response. Me thinking about greeting a girl I used to sleep with, but probably ended things with on a not so good note, triggered a fight or fucking flight response in me.

I could only reason things this way:

I am scared. Despite how confident I am in my career, hobbies etc., I'm still scared to meet new women in real life. I am scared of putting myself there and state my interest to a girl in real life. I am scared of falling in love (and even though I don't feel any need to fall in love, it bothers me that I am scared to let it happen anyway). I put up romantic walls every now and then. I'm protecting myself from... I'm not sure what?

And now, I couldn't make myself talk to a girl I used to sleep with without any agendas.

I look at past experiences with girls and think that some harsh breakups might have contributed to some of my walls. Juliet, the girl I dated this year, wasn't even a harsh breakup, yet I treated it as one because I somehow allowed myself to catch feelings for her. So in my mind, it's apparently a harsh breakup if I have feelings for her. Love makes you not only blind, but also weird and fucked up in your reasoning :b

I also look at the cold approaching I did this year + the many, many opportunities I missed out on. Who was I trying to fool back then? I tried to rationalize missed opportunities as "I couldn't have been that interested in her since I didn't approach her". Wrong. Or, it might have been somewhat true. But the primary issue is that I was scared. I even had a great mentor watch me NOT approach girls. I bought my self-fulfilling prophecies of not wanting to meet them that much when I was just scared.

I look at how I am today. I feel great, confident, ready to take over the world. But on some days, I just feel neutral. I have close friends from different circles. I laugh more, have more fun and don't get down easily. It's like I'm getting the foundation of my life handled. I have a purpose that gets me excited. Yet, I still struggle with the simplest things in my women life.

Then I think about the future and realize, yet again, I have only one life. Will I continue putting up walls because of past experiences? This solution looks not appealing. But the question is what specific action I can take to break them down.

Happy NY to anybody reading!
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
750
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

The FWB is cutting the regular meetings off. She took her time to write a whole novel about her current situation and why it would be bad for her to continue.

There is something symbolic about ending things with Paula, at least as a regular thing.

- She's the one who helped me overcome my dry spell back in 2016 after my bad breakup with Camilla.

- And she's the first new girl I got in bed after finding GC.

- Out of all the girls I met after her, she's also the last to leave me.

And that's pretty much it. I've told her she can keep my number if she wants to get in touch again. But I really can't be expecting anything.

I guess it's time for me to close this chapter of the girls I've met the last 18 months, and write a new chapter about the girls to come. =)

what else
Chase's articles about being a "big deal" and missing the basics (the "are you a unique, special individual?") describe me so well. In terms of seduction, I've had repetitive cycles of hard work and curiosity towards meeting new girls, eventually leading to me making a big mental 180 and declare I'm good enough and know it all. The problem is that the latter part is harder to get out of and lasts longer.

I think the biggest mindset shift I have to make right now, is to let go of the foolish pride. The pride which is not allowing myself to evolve and blossom even further. The pride I've been stuck with for 7-8 years now. Other guys are so dedicated to learn seduction and make it a constant part of their daily life. Me? I want to feel like a know-it-all based on little experience. But the world doesn't work that way, and everybody can see through that.

A good friend I've made last year, told me today that he assumes I am courageous. And that's funny when I'm disappointed and being hard on myself recently. But it's not all doom and gloom. I guess I just don't know how to make the necessry steps towards what needs to be done.

For now, it's to let go of my foolish pride. I can't keep living in the past where I had my most successful times in other areas of my life. New results don't come from resting after previous results, they come from taking new action.
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Jan 7, 2015
Messages
750
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

I can't believe it.

4 missed opportunities (girls I wanted to meet, no eye contact), and another one where I turned my head and caught her looking at me as we passed each other.

I don't even want to write about missed opportunities anymore. I'm SO sickened by them because they remind me of my two months of attempting cold approaches last summer. Back then, it was fun in the beginning to go out for hours and talk to strangers. Then, it gradually turned sour because I wasn't meeting girls I wanted to talk to.

What am I looking for to get the snowball rolling for good? A magic pill? Doesn't work that way. I don't know what then...

All I know right now is that I'm more disgusted by the fact that nothing has changed + I'm not willing to commit too many hours (unlike the last time) to make this happen. But I'm willing to commit available hours - like excessive free time and while commuting from place to place.

Stop hiding behind a screen (dating apps), and let go of my foolish pride.

And I better not get too discouraged too soon
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
750
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

A break from the whole "meet new girls" thing was needed, and to some level still is. It is hard to tell when I will get into it for good again. I am aware that my game will become rusty by making this choice, but so be it. Here and now, others thing that I have been neglecting must take priority. Most important is uni and career. To stay focused and motivated I have to keep working out and meditating.

However, I am going on a date with a girl from a social circle on saturday the way things seem now. And I have a different feeling about how I want it to go down.

I want her to impress me, connect with her and reward her. That would require from me to lead the whole thing in a way where she is able to tell a lot about what she had currently achieved and how she wants to achieve her future goals. I want to know more about her passion for music and our mutual sport. This time is going to be less about me.

But that will be it. Depending on how well we are clicking, we shall see what happens afterwards :)
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
750
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

One thing I haven't written is that Paula, the FWB that had cut me off in my post January 7th, reached out to me in april, claiming she "had been thinking about for some time". Gotta love girls not hiding the banana :) We met again today for the third time since april, and in all honesty, she's the best sex I have ever had. Today she helped me lose my anal virginity (before you get any ideas, I was the penetrator ;)). Physically, it didn't feel like a whole lot different from vaginal, just a little tighter. But psychologically, it did feel a little more exotic and "illegal" than vaginal sex, but I'd like it to feel even better. I will have to overcome the mental barrier to anal sex that i have been carrying throughout my life for that to happen

And then I have seen the girl from social circle, whom I wrote about in LR "popped her cherry". In lack of creativity, let me call her Cherry :b She's cute, we have lot of common interests, and we are acting like teenagers sometimes. I think we could become gf/bf in the future. But the difference in our sexual experience is remarkable, I think. She still needs to explore her sexuality while I have way more sexual experience and pretty much know how I like it best. I think the best role I can offer her right now is help her exploring her sexuality. But can we do this as we move more into bf/gf territory, or should we just stick to one role at a time? I wonder

This makes me question why some guys want to screw around with lots of girls, but settling down with a virgin or inexperienced girl. When it comes to the sex, she has to start from scratch. I find it more satisfying if she already knows what she likes in bed and knows how to please the guy as well. There is a big mismatch with a sexually experienced guy and inexperienced girl (and I guess it goes the other way too).
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
750
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

What a summer. And still not over. A lot of personal stuff happened. I haven't been pressed and stressed this hard for a long time. Haven't felt so emotional. But I have been managing my behavior very well despite the turmoil. Meditation and getting back to the gym have helped a lot!! Having close friends around to talk about the hard times with is definitely recommendable! I can't be thankful enough =)

I have been having fun with Cherry meanwhile. We have been meeting once or twice every week since I got back from Paris. Upon my return, she slept at my place for the first time. The sex has developed quite well! Much more enjoyable these days. We are still in honeymoon phase, but we are slowly opening up about our pasts. Neither of us are certain what will happen between us in the future, so we will be enjoying the present as it is. She has expressed concern about me "having a front", meaning I only show the site that I generally show the people around me, and she didn't directly tell me to open up more. But i'm certain she did indirectly when she was "hoping" she could get to know me on an even deeper level. I am maintaining my frame for now, but like I said in my last post, I could see her as a future gf. Let's hit the 3 months mark in September and see if I want to take her to MLTR level.

In a text conversation last week, she went too far even though I tried to shut down her attempt when I had enough. It was a conversational fault from her end because she was being too much of a challenge. I ignored her the next day. She realized her mistake and apologized on text, but claiming we both had some fault in this. I ignored her again when I read this because I was uncertain where my mistake was (and was slightly disgusted by this "accusation"). The next day after that, she wanted to explain face to face, and I agreed to meet her outdoors only to talk about that.* She had been analyzing what led to her going too far and even proposed a solution to herself to avoid it in the future. I found her explanation + solution very satisfying. She asked me what I had been thinking about it. I answered honestly that I thought it was somewhat ridiculous, I have a low tolerance for people making my days suck like this, and I could instead spend my days on the things I care about. But I liked that she had thought of a solution herself! She understood very well what I meant by all of this. She had even been afraid she was going to lose me over something silly and didn't want that.
---> This case is important because I feel like I have set a strong boundary. This makes me feel more in control. Now she also knows on a conscious level that she's disposable, and that I'm not going to stick around if she gives me hard times without good reason.

*I met her outdoors because of Chase's suggestion of not going to bed with a girl you just had a talk with about some "drama". I think the suggestion was from the "Women and Drama" article. The trouble in the future if she goes to bed with a guy right after talking about the drama: she will be more likely to cause drama when she's horny because she knows on some level that she can cause drama to get sex from a guy. I don't think I'm in a position where I could have resisted the idea of going to bed with her after drama despite knowing how bad it would be for the future. But I like no drama. And so, I decided to meet her outside. I'm such a smart man *thumbs up*
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Messages
750
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

Last week, an anonymous girl adds my brother on Snapchat. She asks him if he's really my brother due to the similarity of our last name (which is a pretty common last name here). This creature claimed to be the sister of one of my ex's best friend and, not surprisingly, knew about my past relationship with my ex. But here's the caveat: her best friend has no sister. This shocked me because here is a person, contacting my brother since she has no way of getting through to me on social media (I don't use it), and she claims to be a person that doesn't exist. On some level, it's amusing, but on some level it's creepy as hell.

I would like to think it's someone from my ex's circle. But today, I met with my brother and asked about the username. Judging from that, the chances that it is my ex herself, are pretty high, like 99.9999 %. It's probably a fake account she made to let me know it is her, for purposes that will remain unknown.. however, I don't think it's a coincidence she told him "she was the love of his life". I've been going out with my girlfriend a couple of times now, and no one would doubt that we're a couple. She or someone that knows us both could have seen me with my girl and told her. Almost nothing is a coincidence with girls...

But I mean, come on. It's 3 years ago she broke up with me and found a new guy immediately after. A friend confirmed two months ago that they were still together.

Assuming it is her, isn't the best option just to let this one go and move on? I don't know what I will gain from knowing who it is, and what her intentions are.. I think it's a poor move from her end, and it's tempting to contact her in some way and tell her to fuck off... but then I thought that if I had something like this happening all the time, I would probably just shrug it off and move on. Waste of time, but pretty good learning experience.

Cheers to all the girls that are silly and cute... and creepy
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Messages
750
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

Dark red scarf + light blue shirt + dark blue chinos + white sneakers or brown boots = ladies be looking at me all day. I should experiment with more colors
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Messages
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Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

So while we're not sure of the exact date yet, Cherry and I are in an official relationship. Only we know about the open part. We've been meeting each other's families for the first time in this holiday, which was pretty chill. The 6 year gap between us doesn't bother any of our families. I knew my parents would like her, but they like her WAY more than I would have ever imagined. My dad joked afterwards that they should replace me with her :b

I am on a little NoFap and NoPorn journey with Alcman. I have one problem the next day or two after sex: I tend to get incredibly horny. Now I think I need to have plans prepared beforehand for the days to come, like going out no matter what. I had sex with my girl yesterday, and today I ended a 9-day streak of NoFap. MY GOD, it feels so good, but it's still not as rewarding as sex. Starting over tomorrow.

The effects of NoFap and NoPorn after a couple of days
- I feel more sensitive (as in, more in tune with my feelings, but still not getting too affected by the negative ones).
- I feel more horny and get turned on by the sight of sexy features a lot easier.
- I wake up with the hardest boner my 12-year old self could ever imagine. That same boner makes for fantastic bed gymnastics
- I feel more energized, and it's easier to maintain a routine because of that.
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
750
Re: a-jay's journal 2.0

I'm attending an introduction course for my new job, and guess who I will be working with? Juliet, the girl I slept with exactly two years ago. My god, I hate meeting girls from social circle right now. I don't know why my body reacts so emotionally when it comes to her. Sometimes images of our one-timer pop up out of nowhere. It definitely feels like we have some unfinished business from back then. Even if there is a low possibility to settle things, it would just be much more (emotional) headache for me later down the road than it is now. I messed up back then when I couldn't get her to meet up a second time and tried to show her I was in control when I was not. Such a turn-off I was. That messing up was a huge eye opener when I finally got back to my senses.

Some guys look at a girl and can't help but wonder what it would be like to be with a girl for the first time. I look at this girl and can't help but wonder what it would be like to be with her... again. And admittedly, she's not the first girl this has happened with. :p But this one.. she's a different animal. I don't know what keeps me attracted to her.

Although I'm saying this on a whim, Cherry will hopefully be the last girl I will be intimate with from a social circle. Sometime in the future I will have to work on meeting girls cold again. Because when things end with a girl from no social circle, we will not have to meet each other on a regular basis.

Had this happened maybe just a year ago, I could have been paralyzed in doing my daily activities. But I'm tired of letting emotions like this control my days. I'm tired of women from my past having this effect on me. SO, I will accept my emotions this time because I led them to this, but I will have to go on with my days. It's just another roadblock keeping me from getting closer to more success in life after all =)
 

Lover

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Jan 7, 2015
Messages
750
A Sad Ending Between Lovers

Cherry and I are over.

In the summer we went on vacation and had one day with a big fight which we solved. I don't remember the specifics, I think we both made mistakes that should not have been made. But like always, we talked it out.

After we got home, that's where shit really hit the fan. Her anxiety from past began to rise again (for known reasons), and she had controlling behavior almost as a compulsion but not quiet there. I was understanding but it began to affect our relationship. It got to the point where she started arguments over silly things... and she wanted me to be more agreeable at the same time because I was her boyfriend. She had to talk to a family member to realize that when I was busy and drained of energy, I couldn't be there for her when she requested me to. That made her lose some points..

It kept on piling up little by little after that. At this point, she was being too selfish without even realizing. She wanted me to correct my behavior so she could be "comfortable" in the relationship, and I just stood up for myself and saying that I can't change myself anymore than I want to. If I have to do that, I will have to give up some other things which I can't. It got so bad I had to meet her in August and tell her that I felt the magic was disappearing... and unless we tried to work it out for the next month, we had to break up. (Thanks you Chase to give sound advice)

It started out shaky. But we had some good conversations after a week. From there, we got pretty good again. I felt we were going to continue as before without any worries. Almost like a renewed relationship energy.

Unfortunately, people around her were getting more and more worried because her mood had changed for the worse, and she had less appetite. There were multiple factors causing this. In the end, it turned out our relationship was contributing more to that than anything else. I was not the right partner for her anymore. She realized that although we had a lot of positive things going on in our relationship, the negatives were too much for her - her main concern being lack of security. There were two factors primarily disqualifying me in her book

1) she didn't know where the relationship was going in the future. I mean, it should be obvious that when we were in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, it would naturally move towards us moving together eventually, and after that get kids etc... but we were not even 16 months into our relationship, and she wanted even more security. But why was she so concerned about that only 16 months into the relationship, I wonder. Did I make things move forward too fast? I don't know... And personally, I think being together for at least 3 years would make the bare minimum before moving together. So did I screw up somewhere, or was this unavoidable? Hard to tell anymore.

2) She didn't know where she got me. It's the same side of the coin as the above reason, yet different. It's not just about future security. It was about me in general, and she painted it as a negative thing. I interpret this as her not being able to control me. I had given her emotional commitment, and now she wanted what... logistical commitment???

Yet, she was afraid she was going to regret it. What do you do - tell her it's likely she will regret it just to state the fact? Or just be empathetic? Or say nothing and put your hand in her face?

She shed tears during our talk while I couldn't although I felt "naked" and vulnerable. I have shed tears for girls before, and I felt like this should have been a moment where I did that. But I couldn't. I guess it's some kind of development because I have toughen up from previous experience.

Despite all this, we agreed to stay friends, and she even teased that I would make a great FWB lol. She knew she was going to miss all the positive times.

We shared our love one last time in the night. Because it was late, I allowed her to stay the night and we made our final goodbye in the morning.

So what happened, in a few words?
1) Things got shaky, mostly because of her anxiety and greyzone-compulsive behavior.
2) It piled up. There was never anything big that made me break up, yet there were multiple small things that got out of hand eventually
3) I suggested a one month "work it out" period or break up now. She chose the former.
4) Everything was looking fine at the deadline from my site, but it turned out differently to her.
5) We had a mutual breakup

Did I learn anything constructive?
- I learned once before that no matter how attracted or in love she is with you, she will leave you eventually if you're not right for her. Love cannot overcome that. Her health also takes priority, but why is she indulging in unhealthy habits because of her relationship even when her partner has tried to work things out with her?

- At some point down the LTR-road, girls don't feel well being in a relationship with me. This has also happened before, and I don't know if I should feel bad about it. I feel like they demand changes from me that are uncalled for... and since it's happening again, either it's just simply women's attempt to take over control which is kind of cute, or it's me being too unattainable. Unfortunately it's hard for me to tell which it is.

- You must know her love language, BUT she must know yours as well. Although it depends... I cannot stand talking to my gf on the phone everyday. What is there left to talk about if you talk together all the time? And if you just have regular energy levels, what should you make time for that? Guess I have to set a line next time by just ignoring some of the phone calls and also explain.

Was there anything positive at all?
- She opened her heart to me, trusted me and was vulnerable in front of me.

- She was allowed to be a sexual animal with me.

- We were great at communicating properly when we managed to not escalate disagreements, but work towards a common goal instead. We were good at bettering each other instead of just tearing each other down when a disagreement happened. We also slipped sometimes. But definitely something to take to new relationships!

What an experience! I just hope I left her better than I found her.. It's my number one concern. It's too late to change it though, and I have no responsibility for her future behavior. It's all up to her now.

Meanwhile, I'll go mind my own business =)
 

Alcman

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Oct 28, 2017
Messages
56
Location
Paris, France
RIP! Hopefully we'll hear about some cold approaches soon... ;) Good luck starting out on your new journey, man! And welcome back to the singles' club.
 
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