So , it's been roughly 9 months since I posted this .
And I have worked a lot on me since then , like quitting cigratte addiction , used to smoke more than a packet every day , when I posted this thread .
Fapped a lot to porn ., Have quit .
Was addicted to digital devices , youtube and all the cancer on the internet that made me nihilistic , fearful and what not.
Which I had quitted but became readdicted than again quitted , it's like 25+ days , rn.
ANd weirdly started having anxiety disorder , when I got re -addicted to my phone .
Most likely due to inner conflict ,i.e. ,thinking that I should not waste my time .... While wasting my time ......which lead to I getting anxiety .... Yup .... Even when I had posted some frs on my journal .
But , due to meds , self talk , meditation , support I am able to curb my anxiety disorder by 90% .
Funny thing is it's hard to be afraid of approaching when you have faced nihilism.
Some good points ---
To cure my anxiety ,
I took part in mma fights .
Joined wrestling .
Made tough friends and learned how to shoot shit with them .
To get comfortable with chicks , I talked to them in real life English class , online English meetups cuz for months I couldn't leave my small city .
Travelled even if I felt anxiety.
Worked on my spirituality .
Got grip on my vices .
Somehow , have become comfortable with top tier chicks too ....cuz I will terrible anxiety if don't put in the work .
It's like my anxiety , nihilism actually is there to get up from my ass and shit .
See , when I am with chicks , work on my career , do spritual stuff , fight , I don't get anxiety .
It seems to me that when I was younger (17-18) , I was very lonely , I felt trapped , had no chicks , .....so , thst actually lead to me having weird ocds ......which I was able to curb bybshifting to a big city .......but that mentality never let me succeed even at game or career .
( I remember my wing telling me on my first day that I would be intermediate in just 1 month cuz I had a spark , but I fucking choked on 2nd day )
Same with my career / univ then .
And these feelings resurfaced in 2022 after a fateful encounter with a chick who basically showed me my reality .
( I wasnt man enough for her )
Anyways , so , root cause of my anxiety is feeling trapped , having no freedom , I used to believe that I wasnt man enough, good enough
Which I have no idea how to erase a thought other than action which I have been doing since a couple of weeks since I discovered my root cause through joirnalling .
I am thinking of cbt , too .
i wanted my old beliefs to due and I am killing them too .
TRE isn't available here irl .
So , just standing in the arena and fighting has become my greatest weapon.
But ,. All my actions ( of last year ) have made me more aggressive in life now .
If I don't do shit that's important in my life .... anxiety comes back .
So , approach anxiety cannot exist in my life .lol
Note : I may have ranted too much .
Sorry
Spyce/ thisindianguy
What I need to work on is ---
Stop overanalyzing everything .
Continuing what I am doing .
Spyce daddy .
