- Joined
- Jul 31, 2023
- Messages
- 26
I yesterday had a date with one of the girls I mentioned that I met last week daygaming in my journal. It was the single mother that recognized me instantly as the actor of a local theatre play she had seen. She later told me she had her child at the age I am now, which means she should be around 13 years older than me.
Here is the small story of the approach from the journal:
"I have been in some theatre plays in my area, not that big of an audience, maybe 800 people this year, and that many last year as well in total, so I guess some people in the expat community recognise me seldomly, but the city is fairly big so can't say I ever felt famous even in the small scale. But well, in this approach I literally went up to talk to this very stylish woman, and she turns, she speaks my first language immediately, I get startled for a second, ask whether we know each other, and she says she knows me, because she has seen my plays. From then I told her I came there to compliment and get to know her, we talked and walked for a bit, and even asked her recommendation for a gift I wanted to buy. Before we parted ways she told me that she is a single mother of a daughter, which I think it was to gauge my reaction. I stayed cool, we exchange numbers, and even exchanged one two texts later that day, so I plan to send a scheduler text tomorrow."
The whole planning of the date was pretty simple in fact. After thanking her for giving me some advice on where to buy a present I wanted that day, I asked her how her free time looks next week to have a drink and we quickly found Tuesday to work well for both.
I arrived at the main train station of the city to meet her. She was classily dressed with long beige coat, and beige trousers and beige top, white high heels and a very well made bun for her black hair. She had just left her professional job in the bank before meeting me. We exchanged two cheek kisses and we started walking towards the direction of a bar I had thought of. In general I felt that throughout the walk she was following, meaning that whenever I was deciding to turn somewhere she was happily coming along, which I found to be a good thing. In the beginning she talked a bit about her job and life here, as we both are from the same country living abroad, and then I talked a bit about my situation and what I am doing in life.
Arriving at the bar, we sat down at a couch next to each other but she did keep some distance. I then asked what she would prefer and since it was self service, I went a brought two glasses of wine. The whole vibe felt nice, but surely not particularly sexual, and pretty reserved. I asked her about dreams, things she enjoys, we talked about travelling a bit, she asked me about my theatre group. She also told me about how she was brought up, how she approaches the job and life according to that, and I asked about her relationships in general. She said she broke up some weeks ago, and she always goes very into a relationship that lasts around two years and then it finishes, then she asked me my view on relationships and I explained I like enjoying connections with people no matter the form, I'm open to eventually getting more serious with a woman, but I believe this is something special that you feel when the time is right as you meet people.
At some point as I was slowly finishing my wine, she asked if I want another one, and I told her that I am good, and in fact we could go continue somewhere else more relaxed since it is a bit loud in here. She asked what I mean, so I said we could go to my place to connect more in a calmer environment. She said that it is pretty good here, besides my place is a bit far to go back and forth and she has to return home to her daughter. Then I said that the time is no problem, it is only ten minutes by train, and she can leave whenever she wants, to which she responded she knows, but maybe some other time.
I kinda knew that it wasn't a vibe conducive to a pull, but I wanted to ask for it here to push myself a bit. Anyway we kept on talking, through this whole time we were turned towards each other but with a noticeable gap between us. I was trying to be giving slight touches from time to time, our feet were also touching a bit below the table, and at some point I even jokingly tried to leave and she grabbed me and pulled me down telling me not to go. Apart from these, we had no other physical contact really. The vibe was chill, but I felt it wasn't progressing towards something more.
At some point I asked her how she views sex, and we both agreed that it is very important for relationships, but then she said that is not her problem in relationships though and she started talking about lack of shared interests and approach in life. I had her talk to me a bit about her interactions with men in general, she discussed about her experiences in the workplace and studies, and I told her how I prefer not making friends with the women I like because it is insincere and I described how I genuinely felt when I saw her walking and how I approached her.
In general it did feel we both understood we were there for a man to woman interaction, but there was no sexual energy in the air. In simpler terms, I wasn't really hard throughout most of the interaction, and generally when I feel the vibe with a woman I like, I do get an erection down there. The thing is I wasn't sure how to sexualize it more. It felt too much to start trying to get closer to her, every time I have tried it on dates it felt invasive and girls were weirded out, and also talking about sex, which I like doing from time to time, was something that wasn't landing, she was answering one thing and then changing the subject. And I know it's good to lead the direction of the conversion, but I felt it would be too pushy trying to bring it back to sexual topics and experiences all the time, when the vibe didn't feel to be there.
At some point it was getting later, her daughter had also called asking for something, so as we had finished our drinks, she asked if we can go. Then we walked towards the train station again, still some light touches, I asked her how she flirts, she told me she doesn't and that the others flirt with her, and she asked me how I flirt, to which I responded I wouldn't know, she should ask they ones that receive it how it feels.
As we were ready to part ways , she was telling me how I should be proactive and go for it when it comes to finding a job and I will make it, because I did tell her about my job search a bit previously, so I kinda took it differently and told her: Alright, so you are telling me to be proactive, and go for it? And then I grabbed her neck and leaned in for a kiss, to which she resisted turning her cheek so I gave her a kiss there. After that she asked me my plans for the week, I told her for a few seconds and we parted ways wishing the best.
Later that night I send a message that the time we spent was lovely and hope she rests well, she responded that yes it was
and wished me a good sleep. Today in the morning she sent me the link of some job opening for a performing arts position where you need to be naked, I gave a heart reaction and she texted: as long as you are comfortable with nudity, to which I responded: Be honest, you just want to come see me naked. She gave a laughing reaction to that and we haven't had any communication since.
All in all, I feel that my biggest issue was how I couldn't make the date more sexual. The moment I saw her and we started walking I was hard, then during the date I wasn't feeling it so couldn't project it, and then I felt it again a bit before trying to kiss her. And in fact with a date like that I wasn't expecting much from the kiss, I wanted to give a very short one as a declaration of liking her, because with the whole vibe we had I wasn't sure how she would take an ending with me making no moves. I wanted to raise the attainability a bit, not sure how much of a right move it was though.
I think it's funny because I have had dates where I talk about sex way more, not even in a sleazy way, I describe my opinions and it sets a very nice sexual frame, to the point that I have felt the girls getting ready for intimacy and generally I have had pulls like that. There are other dates though, that it feels like talking about sex will be forced if I try it too much, and no matter what I do, it ends up being a nice discussion that turns back to other topics, some of which can even be quite personal and form a nice connection. So I believe I am struggling a lot to balance how to be sexual in a date while not trying too hard to do it, especially with girls that have a more closed non sexual vibe about them. It's like we talk, I may do some sexual innuendo but they will brush it off, or I may talk about sex and they will change topic fast, or if I do some small touch they won't really touch back, or if I keep sexual eye contact they won't reciprocate. And I am wondering if it is just the case that with some girls and certain points in their lives, you simply can't escalate that much sexually, maybe they restrain themselves and want to take things slower and not get into a sexual relationship fast no matter what you do.
Now I have found a number of articles on sexual escalation and setting sexual frames and will get back to reading them again. That said I know I have succeeded doing it in certain dates as I said, where I only slightly touch, not even sit close to the girl, and talk about sex and how I see it and then I have pulled and only kissed in the seduction location and eventually gotten intimate. So I do have a process that has worked, but I am wondering now whether I should start adapting it to certain women, or if I should just double down on it with them. For example if she tries to change subjects, I keep coming back to sexual topics and getting into more intimate discussions, emphasizing how important it is to start any relationship passionately, what I love about how sexual women are, and in a way set the expectation that I am a guy that loves sex and will go for it the first time we meet and they can either accept it or not. I just don't want to lose women that maybe would be great for me even in the long term and simply needed one more date, but they felt I was too focused on getting sexual with them fast without reading their signals.
Thanks for reading and any insight or comment is more than welcome
Here is the small story of the approach from the journal:
"I have been in some theatre plays in my area, not that big of an audience, maybe 800 people this year, and that many last year as well in total, so I guess some people in the expat community recognise me seldomly, but the city is fairly big so can't say I ever felt famous even in the small scale. But well, in this approach I literally went up to talk to this very stylish woman, and she turns, she speaks my first language immediately, I get startled for a second, ask whether we know each other, and she says she knows me, because she has seen my plays. From then I told her I came there to compliment and get to know her, we talked and walked for a bit, and even asked her recommendation for a gift I wanted to buy. Before we parted ways she told me that she is a single mother of a daughter, which I think it was to gauge my reaction. I stayed cool, we exchange numbers, and even exchanged one two texts later that day, so I plan to send a scheduler text tomorrow."
The whole planning of the date was pretty simple in fact. After thanking her for giving me some advice on where to buy a present I wanted that day, I asked her how her free time looks next week to have a drink and we quickly found Tuesday to work well for both.
I arrived at the main train station of the city to meet her. She was classily dressed with long beige coat, and beige trousers and beige top, white high heels and a very well made bun for her black hair. She had just left her professional job in the bank before meeting me. We exchanged two cheek kisses and we started walking towards the direction of a bar I had thought of. In general I felt that throughout the walk she was following, meaning that whenever I was deciding to turn somewhere she was happily coming along, which I found to be a good thing. In the beginning she talked a bit about her job and life here, as we both are from the same country living abroad, and then I talked a bit about my situation and what I am doing in life.
Arriving at the bar, we sat down at a couch next to each other but she did keep some distance. I then asked what she would prefer and since it was self service, I went a brought two glasses of wine. The whole vibe felt nice, but surely not particularly sexual, and pretty reserved. I asked her about dreams, things she enjoys, we talked about travelling a bit, she asked me about my theatre group. She also told me about how she was brought up, how she approaches the job and life according to that, and I asked about her relationships in general. She said she broke up some weeks ago, and she always goes very into a relationship that lasts around two years and then it finishes, then she asked me my view on relationships and I explained I like enjoying connections with people no matter the form, I'm open to eventually getting more serious with a woman, but I believe this is something special that you feel when the time is right as you meet people.
At some point as I was slowly finishing my wine, she asked if I want another one, and I told her that I am good, and in fact we could go continue somewhere else more relaxed since it is a bit loud in here. She asked what I mean, so I said we could go to my place to connect more in a calmer environment. She said that it is pretty good here, besides my place is a bit far to go back and forth and she has to return home to her daughter. Then I said that the time is no problem, it is only ten minutes by train, and she can leave whenever she wants, to which she responded she knows, but maybe some other time.
I kinda knew that it wasn't a vibe conducive to a pull, but I wanted to ask for it here to push myself a bit. Anyway we kept on talking, through this whole time we were turned towards each other but with a noticeable gap between us. I was trying to be giving slight touches from time to time, our feet were also touching a bit below the table, and at some point I even jokingly tried to leave and she grabbed me and pulled me down telling me not to go. Apart from these, we had no other physical contact really. The vibe was chill, but I felt it wasn't progressing towards something more.
At some point I asked her how she views sex, and we both agreed that it is very important for relationships, but then she said that is not her problem in relationships though and she started talking about lack of shared interests and approach in life. I had her talk to me a bit about her interactions with men in general, she discussed about her experiences in the workplace and studies, and I told her how I prefer not making friends with the women I like because it is insincere and I described how I genuinely felt when I saw her walking and how I approached her.
In general it did feel we both understood we were there for a man to woman interaction, but there was no sexual energy in the air. In simpler terms, I wasn't really hard throughout most of the interaction, and generally when I feel the vibe with a woman I like, I do get an erection down there. The thing is I wasn't sure how to sexualize it more. It felt too much to start trying to get closer to her, every time I have tried it on dates it felt invasive and girls were weirded out, and also talking about sex, which I like doing from time to time, was something that wasn't landing, she was answering one thing and then changing the subject. And I know it's good to lead the direction of the conversion, but I felt it would be too pushy trying to bring it back to sexual topics and experiences all the time, when the vibe didn't feel to be there.
At some point it was getting later, her daughter had also called asking for something, so as we had finished our drinks, she asked if we can go. Then we walked towards the train station again, still some light touches, I asked her how she flirts, she told me she doesn't and that the others flirt with her, and she asked me how I flirt, to which I responded I wouldn't know, she should ask they ones that receive it how it feels.
As we were ready to part ways , she was telling me how I should be proactive and go for it when it comes to finding a job and I will make it, because I did tell her about my job search a bit previously, so I kinda took it differently and told her: Alright, so you are telling me to be proactive, and go for it? And then I grabbed her neck and leaned in for a kiss, to which she resisted turning her cheek so I gave her a kiss there. After that she asked me my plans for the week, I told her for a few seconds and we parted ways wishing the best.
Later that night I send a message that the time we spent was lovely and hope she rests well, she responded that yes it was
and wished me a good sleep. Today in the morning she sent me the link of some job opening for a performing arts position where you need to be naked, I gave a heart reaction and she texted: as long as you are comfortable with nudity, to which I responded: Be honest, you just want to come see me naked. She gave a laughing reaction to that and we haven't had any communication since.All in all, I feel that my biggest issue was how I couldn't make the date more sexual. The moment I saw her and we started walking I was hard, then during the date I wasn't feeling it so couldn't project it, and then I felt it again a bit before trying to kiss her. And in fact with a date like that I wasn't expecting much from the kiss, I wanted to give a very short one as a declaration of liking her, because with the whole vibe we had I wasn't sure how she would take an ending with me making no moves. I wanted to raise the attainability a bit, not sure how much of a right move it was though.
I think it's funny because I have had dates where I talk about sex way more, not even in a sleazy way, I describe my opinions and it sets a very nice sexual frame, to the point that I have felt the girls getting ready for intimacy and generally I have had pulls like that. There are other dates though, that it feels like talking about sex will be forced if I try it too much, and no matter what I do, it ends up being a nice discussion that turns back to other topics, some of which can even be quite personal and form a nice connection. So I believe I am struggling a lot to balance how to be sexual in a date while not trying too hard to do it, especially with girls that have a more closed non sexual vibe about them. It's like we talk, I may do some sexual innuendo but they will brush it off, or I may talk about sex and they will change topic fast, or if I do some small touch they won't really touch back, or if I keep sexual eye contact they won't reciprocate. And I am wondering if it is just the case that with some girls and certain points in their lives, you simply can't escalate that much sexually, maybe they restrain themselves and want to take things slower and not get into a sexual relationship fast no matter what you do.
Now I have found a number of articles on sexual escalation and setting sexual frames and will get back to reading them again. That said I know I have succeeded doing it in certain dates as I said, where I only slightly touch, not even sit close to the girl, and talk about sex and how I see it and then I have pulled and only kissed in the seduction location and eventually gotten intimate. So I do have a process that has worked, but I am wondering now whether I should start adapting it to certain women, or if I should just double down on it with them. For example if she tries to change subjects, I keep coming back to sexual topics and getting into more intimate discussions, emphasizing how important it is to start any relationship passionately, what I love about how sexual women are, and in a way set the expectation that I am a guy that loves sex and will go for it the first time we meet and they can either accept it or not. I just don't want to lose women that maybe would be great for me even in the long term and simply needed one more date, but they felt I was too focused on getting sexual with them fast without reading their signals.
Thanks for reading and any insight or comment is more than welcome