First 90 Days problem in start of relationship/situationship/my ego

[throw]

Girl I like, let's call her Margot, met on tinder month ago(all good), was yesterday at my place, and before we went to movie, while playing with he tits we were checking uber at her phone and I noticed tinder notification. I told her, baby, you have tinder notification.
I told her that I understand that we are not together, we know each other just few weeks and we did not talk about exclusivity. Then i moved away from her to dress up(and it all started boiling in me)

She said ironically "it's nice that i said we are not together". And that she is not chatting with anyone or meeting with anyone, it's just probably notification about "dont forget to reply" or "match". Bullshit, i dont believe it was just "dont forget to reply" or match notification.Since then i was quiet, was aware it is not good, so at least i was no trying to be huffy. But couldn't help to be same as before, i just couldn't.
During movie I tried to organize my thoughts. Need to talk to her. I like her. I believe she is not meeting anyone, however, 1 month(cherry on top of this story is my hypocrisy, since i ma still on tinder chatting multiple girls...i am doing my best, following advice about having options..that girls should be one to want us to be exclusive, not man) ... We were drunk, high, it was almost 1 am in morning after boring movie. When we waited for uber, she asked me for 10th time what is with me and i told her, I know i am quiet, i was thinking about that notification. I told her she should come to my place and we should end it in a nice way(she though that i think our situation ship, i thought that nice), so she said she dont want to end it. Then i told her i mean just to have nice night.
She then told me she is really not talking to anyone, it's just she had idiots before and she ...did not deleted app.

We came back to my place, more or less in good mood, both tired and drunk, she wanted to go sleep to her place tho.. There was no mood for sex,we were kissing for a few minutes, then taxi came, I told her she can sleep here but..she went.home. She left, passionately kissing me and asking me to walk her to doors. Texted me when she came home ("objectively" speaking, we were both tired at the start of the date, horrible week for both of us..but still, salty and not good of date without sex), that it was nice evening, next morning that she is happy that she saw me and asking how did i sleep...I did not respond, dont know how should i approach this situation.

TLDR;
So basically, I am on tinder, chatting with multiple girls, scheduling dates. Just to be in "zone". This girl, Margot, I liked most and i would be with her, was at my place, and got tinder notification.
my reaction was..bad, but don't know what i would change. If it would be in my power, i would act like nothing happen but..
On one hand, from my understanding of girlschase, girls should be one asking for exclusivity, no? She seems into me, was very initiative from start, planning activities, wants us to join boxing etc..
I messed up. Even though I was not totally butt hurt about it, it was still visible. I can provide more details about our "situation ship", but basically, i should now do what? Just schedule another date, fuck her best i can, and wait till she will start demanding exclusivity? Would i be able to do it?

thanks gents.

 

[throw]

Basically what happened is that i became "chaser" since i showed i m not ok with it. Don't know how to handle it now. Thinking about just replying to her texts but not initiating anything.


I should say no right there but i didn't want to be dramatic...

 

[throw]

Update: i did not replied to her "how did you sleep last night) on Saturday, Sunday morning she asked me to go out on brunch.
I really couldn't, told her that she can make me one some other day.
She replied maybe, if i will get better at texting.

Basically, what i need yo know..i like her, but when I don't know how to win this situation.
We are month in, i was not naive that she would delete her tinder, but ...obviously i am not ok.
How to deal with this in a way, that I will not be one asking her to delete it or make it exclusive. I don't mind to do it, but i believe it would ruin her attraction.
If I would have to bet, she wasn't out with anyone, and she has tinder still from same reason like me.
Also, i have date with other girls scheduled..but i would rather not..

 

[orkie123]

It sounds like you know what your issue is with the ego and abundance mentality.

Abundance mentality is best when it comes from you being confident enough that whatever happens, you know you will be able to get your sexual and intimacy needs met. That doesn't necessarily mean that you are currently having sex with X girls. It's just your mindset. I.e. when I got into a relationship with my ex, I was at my personal best time with multiple FWBs etc. I still had a scarcity mentality around my ex because I thought I couldn't find anyone "like her". You could have 0 girls on right now and have abundance mentality too (of course it's easier when that confidence is verified by sleeping with hot girls).

Also, figure out what you want because your are conflicting yourself. In my view the occasional advice to be the chilled dude for many things is best if you want to have multiple girls at same time with limited drama. But if you want a girl to be your gf, you are going to need to put up some boundaries in a non petty way sooner or later, knowing that those boundaries might end the situationship early if that's not what she is looking for.

I get the vibe of "I'm upset at you so I'm going to punish you by being less responsive". This isn't ideal if that's what you are going for in here. It might work, but if you want a relationship with this girl, that's not the way to set an example as she will most likely repeat this behaviour when it is you who does something that upsets her.

My advice is, figure out what you want and what you are willing to risk for it. Because acting as if you don't want a relationship/want to take it slow but get upset at her for doing her own thing as well, is worse than just being straightforward and leading to exclusivity. The optimum route is probably to be the awesome guy who doesn't get flustered by a tinder notif until she asks about exclusivity, but only if you can handle it.

You gotta remember, the more chilled and awesome you act, the less she will want to sleep with other guys. But if you start losing your frame or acting butthurt, she is gonna feel it and it's going to make it more likely she does something.

 

[throw]

I get the vibe of "I'm upset at you so I'm going to punish you by being less responsive". This isn't ideal if that's what you are going for in here. It might work, but if you want a relationship with this girl, that's not the way to set an example as she will most likely repeat this behaviour when it is you who does something that upsets her.

My advice is, figure out what you want and what you are willing to risk for it. Because acting as if you don't want a relationship/want to take it slow but get upset at her for doing her own thing as well, is worse than just being straightforward and leading to exclusivity. The optimum route is probably to be the awesome guy who doesn't get flustered by a tinder notif until she asks about exclusivity, but only if you can handle it.

you are absolutely correct, but also, I was/am buying time, because I do not know what to do with her, so it was not necessary punishing her.
I wanted her, I saw her as a gf material, now i have problem to look at her, or be gentle like before. I am petty, faking that i am not because i know thats not good way (poorly faking it)
Going on dates with other girls but like you said, thats not true abundance mentality.

My first reaction to her notification was more chill then what i am feeling now ...now i have problem to look at her.

Yesterday she replied to me after few days(she was on business trip, also probably punishing my slow replies), just basic questions, how am I doing, that I am damn right to look forward for brunch with her and then, hours later, asked me if i want to go on concert with her tomorrow, (heh, that threw me off little bit, in a bad way)

You gotta remember, the more chilled and awesome you act, the less she will want to sleep with other guys. But if you start losing your frame or acting butthurt, she is gonna feel it and it's going to make it more likely she does something.

This is the point..can you please try to pitch how you would be more chilled AND set boundaries?

So e.g. i asked her out, let's say drinks, then my place -> sex and then told her I like her but tinder is deal-breaker for me?(obviously not so straight forward)
Or I should told her btw i am not on tinder anymore and not seeing other people (thats what she is saying but..having enabled notifications on tinder..cmon! at least chatting).
This is where I am stuck. All options sucks.

 

[orkie123]

you are absolutely correct, but also, I was/am buying time, because I do not know what to do with her, so it was not necessary punishing her.
I wanted her, I saw her as a gf material, now i have problem to look at her, or be gentle like before. I am petty, faking that i am not because i know thats not good way (poorly faking it)
Going on dates with other girls but like you said, thats not true abundance mentality.

My first reaction to her notification was more chill then what i am feeling now ...now i have problem to look at her.

Yesterday she replied to me after few days(she was on business trip, also probably punishing my slow replies), just basic questions, how am I doing, that I am damn right to look forward for brunch with her and then, hours later, asked me if i want to go on concert with her tomorrow, (heh, that threw me off little bit, in a bad way)


This is the point..can you please try to pitch how you would be more chilled AND set boundaries?

So e.g. i asked her out, let's say drinks, then my place -> sex and then told her I like her but tinder is deal-breaker for me?(obviously not so straight forward)
Or I should told her btw i am not on tinder anymore and not seeing other people (thats what she is saying but..having enabled notifications on tinder..cmon! at least chatting).
This is where I am stuck. All options sucks.

Unfortunately, I'm out of my depth on your question so hopefully some pros can chip in. What you wrote resonates a lot with how my relationship with my ex started and I made similar mistakes.

This is what I would do based on what I wished I did with my ex:

1) Be somewhat aloof and mysterious to remain FWB as much as possible while continuing to improve your game with other girls. I.e. See her no more than once a week and not let yourself catch feelings. No Gf/BF style dates or texting. Just pure passion and good times at either your's or her's and sex every time. If sex isn't going to happen, there is no meetup.

2) Tell her your "relationship boundaries" earlier on knowing full well those might push her away. If she accepts them, it would set the relationship on a much better frame for you. I don't think this is the optimum route, but I still think it's better than doing nothing and building up resent or insecurities. So yes - meet up, have good sex and tell her that while you are not yet looking for exclusivity, if she wants to continue having tinder, you will walk away.

Important thing is the wording and following up if it comes to it. Don't tell her what to do, tell her what you would do. E.g. tell her that you really like spending time with her, however If she wants to continue using tinder while seeing you, you will walk away. Keep it concise but friendly and non petty. Don't explain yourself too much. Also, you cannot backtrack out of this. I did a few times and it is the worst possible thing to do as then she has you by the balls. If she agrees to a boundary but doesn't follow it, then you need to leave. Not to tell her off, not to argue, not to make excuses for her, you have to follow through.


This is why, if you are not sure what you want to do, you will do something in the middle, and either get into a relationship with a weak frame, or lose her anyway before it gets to a relationship.

 

[Wick]

Meditation and read the book, the Power of Now.

I was able to understand my ego and let go of things effectively (and have solid frame in my relationships), largely due to my introduction to Buddhism. What I suggested above is basically the crash course of it.

Meditation is a practice of observation, watching yourself as you try to sit still… What happens? And learning how to detach from thoughts and emotions while maintaining a single focus: sitting still and observing yourself.

The power of now is a good source on understanding the ego and the mechanics of it. It also provides more ways to let go and live in ways aligned with your ideals rather than your ego running the show.

I think these things will help you. I have used them in my relationships countless times, during moments that could have thrown me off and made me emotional, and allowed me to keep a solid attractive frame and stay focused on the outcome that I desired.

examples include, her changing her mind on a decision that affects me, her getting upset over something minor, her saying she wants to break up, her being indecisive, etc.

Women, especially feminine women are emotional, and chaotic even. A masculine man is a rock in a storm.

I suggest you get more clear on what you want as well. Even if you do not know what you want with her, take a step back and understand what you want in general with women and life.

Knowing how to be grounded, have solid frame, and be decisive, will help your relationships immensely.

 

[throw]

1) Be somewhat aloof and mysterious to remain FWB as much as possible while continuing to improve your game with other girls. I.e. See her no more than once a week and not let yourself catch feelings. No Gf/BF style dates or texting. Just pure passion and good times at either your's or her's and sex every time. If sex isn't going to happen, there is no meetup.

will try to do that!

2) Tell her your "relationship boundaries" earlier on knowing full well those might push her away. If she accepts them, it would set the relationship on a much better frame for you. I don't think this is the optimum route, but I still think it's better than doing nothing and building up resent or insecurities. So yes - meet up, have good sex and tell her that while you are not yet looking for exclusivity, if she wants to continue having tinder, you will walk away.

Important thing is the wording and following up if it comes to it. Don't tell her what to do, tell her what you would do. E.g. tell her that you really like spending time with her, however If she wants to continue using tinder while seeing you, you will walk away. Keep it concise but friendly and non petty. Don't explain yourself too much. Also, you cannot backtrack out of this. I did a few times and it is the worst possible thing to do as then she has you by the balls. If she agrees to a boundary but doesn't follow it, then you need to leave. Not to tell her off, not to argue, not to make excuses for her, you have to follow through.

yeah, I agree. BUT! isn't it basically ultimatum? Of course, wording...after passionate date, saying it nicely and with little aloofness could be way to go. Easier said then done, but I just had amazing weekend with great girl,already feel little bit better and more aloof.
We will see how it will go some things needs to just go through test.
Basically I just wanted to be sure I did my best before taking action, but overall, it is my decision to see if girl i like and take as a GF material is still on tinder. On one hand, i see hypocrisy on my side, also i am trying to be emphatic since dating is messed up,she is 26 in a new city,and she probably was not sure how seriously am taking her so she was playing it safe and stayed on tinder(my wishful thinking here) . Of course, there is monkey on my shoulder, will she be like this in future whenever she will feel like i am not all in/problems will occur? On other hand, she was right(either she know or not), i was on tinder, I was chatting with other girls..Probably see her as a something what she is not, while she is nice to me.
Will keep you updated. Thank you orkie.

I suggest you get more clear on what you want as well. Even if you do not know what you want with her, take a step back and understand what you want in general with women and life.

I saw her as a GF material ->

Knowing how to be grounded, have solid frame, and be decisive, will help your relationships immensely.

i did not completely described situation, was more interesting about next steps however!
I believe from start, first reaction was cool from me, but sitting in taxi, i was not able to continue to be relaxed, charming nor give her any type of compliment. I tried not to be opposite of that, my best was to be neutral(but obviously there was a difference)
Then I choose to be unresponsive more from tactical point of view(not sure what and HOW to text her, not trying to punish her, so I choose rather not text anything then some puffed up/aggressive/black or white bullshit how I have tendency to do)
But anyway, you hit it with indecisiveness

Thank you!

 

[Chase]

@throw,

A couple thoughts:

at her phone and I noticed tinder notification. I told her, baby, you have tinder notification.
I told her that I understand that we are not together, we know each other just few weeks and we did not talk about exclusivity. Then i moved away from her to dress up(and it all started boiling in me)

She said ironically "it's nice that i said we are not together". And that she is not chatting with anyone or meeting with anyone, it's just probably notification about "dont forget to reply" or "match". Bullshit, i dont believe it was just "dont forget to reply" or match notification.Since then i was quiet, was aware it is not good, so at least i was no trying to be huffy. But couldn't help to be same as before, i just couldn't.

All you had to say was, "Hey, you got a Tinder notification. The studs are lining up!"

Tease her like you're cheering her on. Most of the guys she's meeting on Tinder are losers. Making a joke about it when she's already with a guy she likes (you) just drives home further how much most of these guys suck by contrast, while making it clear you know she's going out with guys who are probably losers, which makes her fear looking lower status in your eyes (which raises her insecurity in the relationship and encourages her to ditch the dating apps and swing over to you).

When you do the "Oh you're on Tinder, well we're not together anyway" thing, it just comes across passive-aggressive and insecure.

She's then forced to reassure you, as she did here, which lowers YOUR value in HER eyes, instead of doing it the way I mentioned above.

So, rule #1: when you feel like being needy and passive-aggressive, take a moment and think about how a cool guy would tease her instead. Do that.

During movie I tried to organize my thoughts. Need to talk to her. I like her. I believe she is not meeting anyone, however, 1 month(cherry on top of this story is my hypocrisy, since i ma still on tinder chatting multiple girls...i am doing my best, following advice about having options..that girls should be one to want us to be exclusive, not man) ... We were drunk, high, it was almost 1 am in morning after boring movie. When we waited for uber, she asked me for 10th time what is with me and i told her, I know i am quiet, i was thinking about that notification. I told her she should come to my place and we should end it in a nice way(she though that i think our situation ship, i thought that nice), so she said she dont want to end it. Then i told her i mean just to have nice night.
She then told me she is really not talking to anyone, it's just she had idiots before and she ...did not deleted app.

She will delete it in time if the relationship gets serious enough that she feels secure cutting her lifelines (unless she's a total nympho... which, while not uncommon on dating apps, is still not the majority).

Have you done a lot to make this girl feel like it's a really secure, trusting, established relationship?

Has enough time passed that she would feel that way? It's been a month, so probably no, not even if you're behaving like the perfect fawning boyfriend. It doesn't sound like you're being the perfect, fawning boyfriend right now (nor would I recommend that. Just sayin'...).

Female Psychology 101: girls will keep their backup options around until they well and truly feel they do not need them.

This girl does not feel that way with you yet... So she is still gonna have Tinder...

tl;dr: if you meet her on Tinder, don't expect her to delete Tinder when you've only been dating her a month and aren't proposing marriage yet or anything....

There's Always Another Man in Her Life

At the start of the new year, there was a thread on the boards with suggestions for new articles this year. Zac suggested one on the tendency of women to always have men in their lives... and that this should never be an obstacle for you when meeting new women. It’s a curious thing for me to...

www.girlschase.com

We came back to my place, more or less in good mood, both tired and drunk, she wanted to go sleep to her place tho.. There was no mood for sex,we were kissing for a few minutes, then taxi came, I told her she can sleep here but..she went.home. She left, passionately kissing me and asking me to walk her to doors. Texted me when she came home ("objectively" speaking, we were both tired at the start of the date, horrible week for both of us..but still, salty and not good of date without sex), that it was nice evening, next morning that she is happy that she saw me and asking how did i sleep...I did not respond, dont know how should i approach this situation.

I mean, at this rate, she probably WILL delete it soon, with you acting needy and insecure about it. You're basically telling her, "Baby, I want a serious monogamous relationship with you. Let's stop seeing other people." It sounds like she wants that too, based on her response with the passionate kiss... but she's in the power position now; you are chasing after exclusivity with her. She is going to control when and how that happens, since you're chasing the relationship.

There's no advice here; you don't appear to have the frame/relationship experience to turn that around and put yourself on top for now. Anything you try to do that will probably lead to overcorrection and you acting like too much of a dick and driving the girl away.

I would just accept that I acted too needy, try to be not so needy, but be careful not to overcorrect and turn into a dick.

You slipped up; she knows you really dig her; now just be chill with her and act like it didn't happen (and don't hide it but try to mostly shrug it off if she brings it up)... again, without trying to be a dick or act like you're not into her at all. Just go back to being your cool self and stop worrying about Tinder for now. She'll delete it once things get more serious.

my reaction was..bad, but don't know what i would change. If it would be in my power, i would act like nothing happen but..
On one hand, from my understanding of girlschase, girls should be one asking for exclusivity, no? She seems into me, was very initiative from start, planning activities, wants us to join boxing etc..
I messed up. Even though I was not totally butt hurt about it, it was still visible. I can provide more details about our "situation ship", but basically, i should now do what? Just schedule another date, fuck her best i can, and wait till she will start demanding exclusivity? Would i be able to do it?

thanks gents.

Yes, you've got the gist of it.

The main task for you now is a balancing act: you've showed your hand a bit (i.e., that you want exclusivity with her), but it's not TERRIBLE or anything because she might want it with you too. So long as you aren't needy and chasing her and acting pissy that she's still on Tinder every time you see her you should be fine.

You do not want to over-correct, which is what a lot of guys do at this point. That's the big danger -- get chill again, but not cold.

At some point she'll probably do the, "I deleted Tinder!" (smile; waiting to see how you react). Again, you need to just be cool there... "Haha, right on. Needed a break from all the studs sliding into your DMs, huh?"

Just be chill. Don't be cold, don't overcorrect, don't make it seem like actually you don't need her at all... but refrain from being needy and jealous, especially when girls are keeping lifelines open because it's still early days in the relationship and things aren't serious yet.

Chase

 

[throw]

Chase! Thank You (again) for thoughtful comment to my not very though-trough situation.
Sorry for late reply, I started draft 2 days ago but ..life happened.

I took it to heart and replied her at Tuesday night with chill text msg back (after cca 4 days).
Skipped her questions/comments about me being not responsive( "mostly shrug it off if she brings it up)", I would comment it maybe in person with some joke, but over text all ideas sounded like shit", proposed that she shouldn't just tease me with brunch invitations, but show action. That I would like to see her.
She replied almost right away that she would like to see me again too and that she was just trying to text me again if i even want to see her again. Because I am silent.

Then i checked her tinder and OF COURSE she updated bio (she did not have anything and now have just her birthplace and languages) plus new pic (nothing provocative). I know, if I am not responding, and we are not in relationship..I know I know I know...
Funny. And not..
Btw, now we are causally texting, keeping it light, meet up next week, thinking about if i should directly invite her to my place, or drink and then..or ask her to invite me to her place and cook for me(can be a problem since her flatmates sucks). These are probably just details. Issue will be frame

BTW I am 100% sure she will open tinder topic and would like to talk about why I was silent.

Now, If you don't mind, I will try to be devil's advocate(mine), because there is something off about this...situation and culture(?).
I am aware (consciously from girls chase), that I can't change woman nature and also, that we are here trying to understand it(hence the article you attached)), not fight it but..the overall vibe that I am somehow "needy and insecure about it "is something what my ego is taking hard(obviously).

Is there any time when me, having any type of boundaries will not look needy and insecure ?(btw, if you guessed, yes, i have this problem in other relationship too, too generous, then too cold..not good)
I agree with you, your example with cheeky reply was cool but..am i just here trying to turn "slut" (i really dont think she is slut, lets say) into gf material?
Chase, or you guys, would you continue and consider a relationship with girl in this situation? Because, what is bothering me that I more or less knew/guessed that what i should do just my ego/heart)) was not allowing me to do it.
Again, I listed to your advice, also, even on date itself i knew that I am fucking up by doing what I was doing but...are we (men) now going with the flow and culture that I should be ok with her being on tinder after month?

Or is it me? I dont consider myself jealous (wondering, if any jealous man consider himself jealous..?) but...
Sure, its my decision to continue perusing/communicating with her (actually, i started seeing another girl meanwhile, cute, its going good) but...i was like this always and it is not going well.
Need to get over it.


Tldr; basically is breaking my heart that I should be ok that girls which are trying to appear like gf material, have sex with me, talked about future are still, .. playing it safe.
Yes, we didn't not have relationship but its wired feeling.

Thank you

 

[TomInHo]

Bro! Imma say this a politely as possible..... Chill The Hell Out

I took it to heart and replied her at Tuesday night with chill text msg back (after cca 4 days).
Skipped her questions/comments about me being not responsive( "mostly shrug it off if she brings it up)", I would comment it maybe in person with some joke, but over text all ideas sounded like shit", proposed that she shouldn't just tease me with brunch invitations, but show action. That I would like to see her.
She replied almost right away that she would like to see me again too and that she was just trying to text me again if i even want to see her again. Because I am silent.

All this passive aggressive stuff is not getting you anywhere

Then i checked her tinder and OF COURSE she updated bio (she did not have anything and now have just her birthplace and languages) plus new pic (nothing provocative). I know, if I am not responding, and we are not in relationship..I know I know I know...

Real question is why wouldn't she update her profile?

She is insecure about the security of the current relationship, especially with you disappearing over something as silly as a tinder notification

And I'm sorry G, but at this point you are both vetting each other for something long term. And the way you are acting is not very secure so it's not surprising that she is keeping her options open

Funny. And not..
Btw, now we are causally texting, keeping it light, meet up next week, thinking about if i should directly invite her to my place, or drink and then..or ask her to invite me to her place and cook for me(can be a problem since her flatmates sucks). These are probably just details. Issue will be frame

Overthinking it man. She likes you. Do whatever you want with her. Take the lead and invite her to do something you really want to do

BTW I am 100% sure she will open tinder topic and would like to talk about why I was silent.

Now, If you don't mind, I will try to be devil's advocate(mine), because there is something off about this...situation and culture(?).
I am aware (consciously from girls chase), that I can't change woman nature and also, that we are here trying to understand it(hence the article you attached)), not fight it but..the overall vibe that I am somehow "needy and insecure about it "is something what my ego is taking hard(obviously).

What does women nature have to do with anything here? You're the one making a big deal out of a little thing.... it's not that serious

Is there any time when me, having any type of boundaries will not look needy and insecure ?(btw, if you guessed, yes, i have this problem in other relationship too, too generous, then too cold..not good)

Boundaries? Bro you're not exclusive yet

She has literally done nothing wrong. You are in lock down mode and taking the feminine role in this relationship. She should be the one worrying about your tinder notifications and if she has a chance of locking you down. Not the other way around

Relax and do your best to not push for more and let her chase for the relationship title for once

I agree with you, your example with cheeky reply was cool but..am i just here trying to turn "slut" (i really dont think she is slut, lets say) into gf material?
Chase, or you guys, would you continue and consider a relationship with girl in this situation? Because, what is bothering me that I more or less knew/guessed that what i should do just my ego/heart)) was not allowing me to do it.
Again, I listed to your advice, also, even on date itself i knew that I am fucking up by doing what I was doing but...are we (men) now going with the flow and culture that I should be ok with her being on tinder after month?

Yes. Until you are both exclusive you have zero say in what she does with other men. If you want her to want commitment from you then act like a solid dude.

Just because y'all are fucking doesn't mean women stop testing. They will test you to the day you day and if they catch you slipping don't be surprised when they leave

It can happen in one month, one year, one decade.... eventually they will leave the relationship emotional and/or physically when it's no longer serving them. And honestly wished more men thought like this too

Or is it me? I dont consider myself jealous (wondering, if any jealous man consider himself jealous..?) but...
Sure, its my decision to continue perusing/communicating with her (actually, i started seeing another girl meanwhile, cute, its going good) but...i was like this always and it is not going well.
Need to get over it.

Yes it's you. You have one-itis

Tldr; basically is breaking my heart that I should be ok that girls which are trying to appear like gf material, have sex with me, talked about future are still, .. playing it safe.
Yes, we didn't not have relationship but its wired feeling.

Thank you

It's called keeping your options open. You should probably be doing it too and let the best woman win

 

[Chase]

@throw,

Not much to add here other than a big +1 to @TomInHo's response.

Chase! Thank You (again) for thoughtful comment to my not very though-trough situation.
Sorry for late reply, I started draft 2 days ago but ..life happened.

I took it to heart and replied her at Tuesday night with chill text msg back (after cca 4 days).
Skipped her questions/comments about me being not responsive( "mostly shrug it off if she brings it up)", I would comment it maybe in person with some joke, but over text all ideas sounded like shit", proposed that she shouldn't just tease me with brunch invitations, but show action. That I would like to see her.
She replied almost right away that she would like to see me again too and that she was just trying to text me again if i even want to see her again. Because I am silent.

Then i checked her tinder and OF COURSE she updated bio (she did not have anything and now have just her birthplace and languages) plus new pic (nothing provocative). I know, if I am not responding, and we are not in relationship..I know I know I know...
Funny. And not..
Btw, now we are causally texting, keeping it light, meet up next week, thinking about if i should directly invite her to my place, or drink and then..or ask her to invite me to her place and cook for me(can be a problem since her flatmates sucks). These are probably just details. Issue will be frame

BTW I am 100% sure she will open tinder topic and would like to talk about why I was silent.

Great. All well-handled.

Although the fact that you are checking her Tinder at all... dude, you are just psyching yourself out with all this.

The more time you spend obsessing over any one girl, the more smitten and hooked and jealous about her you will become...

Now, If you don't mind, I will try to be devil's advocate(mine), because there is something off about this...situation and culture(?).
I am aware (consciously from girls chase), that I can't change woman nature and also, that we are here trying to understand it(hence the article you attached)), not fight it but..the overall vibe that I am somehow "needy and insecure about it "is something what my ego is taking hard(obviously).

Is there any time when me, having any type of boundaries will not look needy and insecure ?(btw, if you guessed, yes, i have this problem in other relationship too, too generous, then too cold..not good)

Dude, if you want her to give up her other options, give her security:

Commit to her. Tell her it’s exclusive. Announce that she’s your girlfriend.

If you haven’t done that yet, don’t expect her to cut off all her options HOPING that you do.

A girl you haven’t committed to retaining some backup options is NOT the same as “you having no boundaries whatsoever” — that’s just taking it from 1 to 11, man.

You’re talking about how this girl is not your exclusive girlfriend, and then saying that her not acting like your exclusive girlfriend, despite you not making her your exclusive girlfriend, is a sign you don’t have any boundaries at all.

If you want her to act like an exclusive girlfriend without being your exclusive girlfriend, you’re going to have to communicate that to her, because she’s not going to figure it out on her own.

Something like, “Hey, I don’t want us to be exclusive or anything, and you’re not my girlfriend, but you need to stop talking to other guys and get off Tinder.”

I don’t know how well that’s going to go, and would guess probably not that well, but if you want to enforce that “boundary” you at least ought to let her know what boundaries she needs to stay within and not wait for her to read your mind — especially when it’s not a normal boundary she would know a guy would have.

I agree with you, your example with cheeky reply was cool but..am i just here trying to turn "slut" (i really dont think she is slut, lets say) into gf material?
Chase, or you guys, would you continue and consider a relationship with girl in this situation? Because, what is bothering me that I more or less knew/guessed that what i should do just my ego/heart)) was not allowing me to do it.

Nah man, I came up listening to Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre. I know better than to try and turn a ho into a housewife. I’ve seen enough guys try it that I know how that goes.

I also will not date girls I met off dating apps, or who have used dating apps when I meet them, or have been active on dating apps for any substantial length of time.

But I’m maybe not the guy to model yourself off of. I’m picky, and worked hard to have lots of options with girls I’m able to meet anywhere. The average guy doesn’t really have those kinds of options and needs to choose from what he has available. I don’t like dating girls from social circle either, and though I did it at first won’t date girls who come from nightlife now too. Do you lay a lot of girls off day game? If not, that is not an option for you. Etc.

That said, I don’t know that this girl is definitely a “ho” based on what limited information you shared here.

You met a girl on Tinder. After a month, in a non-exclusive relationship, she is still on Tinder. Which is… exactly what you would expect.

When I dated girls from nightclubs, they would still go out to nightclubs for a while with their friends after we stared dating. I got annoyed by it too when I was brand new… Beginner Me thought, “Once my dick’s been in her she is MINE and she should know that and should cut off all her other options!” but the truth is if you’re not giving her a serious relationship she is not going to feel safe immediately doing that, and would not be wise to either.

Girls date guys all the time it doesn’t work out with after a month or two or three. If they cut off all their options to focus on some guy who’s given them no indication it’s going somewhere serious with… well, then they’re pretty dumb, naïve chicks, all things being told!

Again, I listed to your advice, also, even on date itself i knew that I am fucking up by doing what I was doing but...are we (men) now going with the flow and culture that I should be ok with her being on tinder after month?

You're out of your depth with this girl, @throw.

You WILL NOT RUN INTO THIS as a sufficiently experienced playboy. Get to absolute abundance, and you will NEVER feel this way with a girl.

Absolute Abundance

“Abundance Mentality” is something that’s frequently prescribed as an answer to men’s neediness issues: approach anxiety, having a “weird” or “awkward” vibe, escalation hesitation, failure to invite women home. Anything where a guy comes off as hesitant or is nervous about achieving a certain...

www.girlschase.com

After that point, no matter how much into her you are, she is fully replaceable and you will never go crazy with love feelings that make you jealous, possessive, and needy toward her (especially not before the relationship is serious).

You will still experience love/feelings. However, they will be tempered with the fires of experience and cooled in the water of knowing you have options -- worthy, equivalent options. i.e., imagine how you'd feel if you were dating three of her.

At this point, you are not there yet, so your emotions are still running wild.

You can show that to her, which will just tell her you're a guy with a lack of options. She can decide if she still wants to date you anyway, and if so, on what terms.

But the truth is there is a reason women are attracted to "confidence", "popularity", "guys who are cool", "guys who aren't control freaks", etc. -- it's because all these men implicitly signal that they have options. The guys who go crazy jealous and controlling and dictatorial with girls are the ones without options. The ones with options have realistic expectations with women, and actually enforce loyalty and devotion much more organically (and dependably) than the guys who lack it, because girls know they don't want to lose these guys and had better listen to what they are communicating they expect. With jealous/needy guys, girls can get away with a lot more, because the guy just cannot really give her up.

Or is it me? I dont consider myself jealous (wondering, if any jealous man consider himself jealous..?) but...

Part of it is probably simply lack of experience.

I would guess you haven't had many relationships.

Or at least none with girls you met off dating apps or bars or anything like that, where the girl maintained her lifestyle for a bit after entering into a relationship with you.

The whole thing is new to you, and you still have that naïve thought in your head of, "Even if I'm not giving her exclusivity, she should immediately drop everything and bind herself to me in the HOPES that I do!"

Girls are eminently more practical than that.

Sure, she'll drop that stuff, most likely... once you make it clear to her that when she does, she gets a concomitant increase in relationship strength and security with you.

Tldr; basically is breaking my heart that I should be ok that girls which are trying to appear like gf material, have sex with me, talked about future are still, .. playing it safe.
Yes, we didn't not have relationship but its wired feeling.

Easy way to fix that:

Make her your exclusive girlfriend so she knows that is expected of her.

If she keeps it up after she's exclusive, tell her she needs to knock it off.

If she keeps it up after THAT, then she is not an exclusive girlfriend.

Before you make her an exclusive girlfriend though, don't expect unreasonable things.

It'd be like if you interviewed with me for a job, and after five interviews over the course of three weeks I suddenly found out you were still talking to other companies, then got hurt because you'd gone through five interviews with me and talked about your future with the company. I thought you really wanted to work here. You mean you're still talking to other companies? Maybe I've just been wasting my time interviewing you.

Until it's exclusive, it's still just an interview.

You want her exclusive?

Make her exclusive.

Chase

 

[throw]

apologies for late response, very bad week.

Thank you, both, for your lengthy and useful posts.

UPDATE:
not sure what happened with me last week, but somehow I found peace and have same attitude with her like before accident. (I attribute it to TomInHo's "Yes it's you. You have one-itis", i knew it was something like that, other post were mentioning it but sometimes it is just about one right word which clicks)

Date was great, on Monday I was in mood for a cappuccino and then movie, texted her if she want to join, told her to look sexy because I certainly am, she joined me and it went all well from start, we were making out in cinema like teenagers -> then to my place and boom boom) Then she went home, all good.
On coffee, before film she tried indirectly talk about our situation (you can be....hmm interesting man, you have some interesting traits, you can be very "manly",you are very "different" but also some old classics like "I like when people talk about problems)..my mood and vibe did not allowed her to continue (in a good way, to be honest, I could see little bit of respect in her eyes, maybe I will be able to cruse from this situation out correct way but who knows) but I felt ready to deal with it anyway.
So all good now. Whole situation. Not only date but how we communicate and most importantly how i feel about her.
I also needed time for my ego and honestly, work and health is/was killing me so. But all good now. WITH HER!



Probably will create a new post for this but:
girl n. 2 started dating/meeting simultaneously, while dating girl from this post. After our 4th date, last Saturday, she texted be below 2 days after sex:
"
Hi. I don't think we should see each other anymore. I didn't like the way you acted late last night. It's important to me that my man makes sure I get home safely. Not to mention walking me to the door and saying goodbye." Around lunch time.

//Also, not sure how important is to describe what happened that night, I wrote maybe too much, after my reply, not need to read



Basically, happened what she mentioned in her text. I was not cold or bad to her.
I texted her later that night(of text),:
reassurance I like her, tried my best with genuine compliments (very hard over text), agreed that the night ended with weird vibe, mentioned sex (not in sleazy way, but to spark some emotions that I have great memories, probably mistake anyway). But that msg still missed something.
So for some mystical reason i put there my point of view (big mistake, goal was to make it more personal,that i am understanding her)
when you decided to not sleep over night, I was under impression you want space
Sounds stupid and ridiculous but that was reason of my cold behavior, since going home for nose spray sounded.. hmm. I didn't write this to make you feel it was your mistake, I am writing it so you know my point of view . My bad <nickname>.
I like you <nickname>. And I am attracted that you are able to not want see me because of me being like that our last. You are terrible woman(our inside joke). We are going to be great together.

EXPLENATION
1.again, my ego, i see it now..
2.to be honest, I was not even cold (from my recollection), really what went through my mind when she was leaving was, that i was maybe too cuddling/taking it serious so : Hey,slow down, give her space was on my mind(very bad evaluation btw)
Was also surprised she left, since week before she slept overnight, had morning sex, stayed after breakfast,had sex again, watched movie, had sex again and then at evening i walk her to metro)

What i did that night of date she talks about:After sex (second that night), "ok, shame you are going, please ,let me know when you are home" (she did not) I kissed her. I was not like in original post of this threat after I saw tinder notification. I hope

I was tired, overworked, stressed,so i was not super enthusiastic. I evaluated situation wrongly. But I am sure I was not angry or needy to ask her to stay. But that\s not important because that how she feel.

It's 2 days since my reply, I've got seen but no reply. What would you suggest next? More space or go for a another text/call?Also I believe i saw somewhere article on girlschase for this situation but cant find it. Dealing with value, had usually different problem.
edit
oh, this can help:?

Tactics Tuesdays: How to Turn Around a Girl in Auto-Rejection

A girl who’s in auto-rejection gets cold and snubs you. To turn it around and effect a recovery, you must use this 4-step formula. This is a firefighting post. I say that because if you do things right you won’t have to fix anything. But we all make mistakes. On my article about screening girls...

www.girlschase.com

Ok, so i read it and actually have it somewhere subconsciously (but execution probably failed)

1. Pace her reality (“Hey, I realize you took that comment pretty hard”)
2. Clear up your intentions (“That wasn’t how I meant it”)
3. Pay her a genuine compliment (“You’re a fun girl and I like hanging out with you”)
4. Offer her an olive branch (“Friends?” or an invite like “C’mon, I’ll buy you an ice cream”)

 

[throw]

Just last update about original girl with tinder notification:
Seems like I am over that ego stuff, at least with her. I needed to process it.
Situation with her: She is into me, asking for relationship. Directly. Amount of compliments and passion through the roof.
Told me (few drinks in) she likes that I am distant and not available (direct quote).


Only one issue -> she is psychologist (but work corp HR-> of course, but to be honest seems competent and confident in work)and she told me she is probably BPD.


Thank you for helpful advises(all of you) and I appreciate time consuming replies. Any useful info how to identify and handle (properly, more into) and if (and in which conditions) possible to handle.

 

[Chase]

Told me (few drinks in) she likes that I am distant and not available (direct quote).

"I like emotionally unavailable men."

Well, just don't go in expecting a warm relationship.

There will always be the dynamic there of her trying to get you to act closer/warmer, then pulling away and treating you less well if you do warm up.

That might suit you fine, depending on how low your need for attachment is; I don't know.

Only one issue -> she is psychologist (but work corp HR-> of course, but to be honest seems competent and confident in work)and she told me she is probably BPD.

Sounds like a dangerous combination!

Thank you for helpful advises(all of you) and I appreciate time consuming replies. Any useful info how to identify and handle (properly, more into) and if (and in which conditions) possible to handle.

Just make sure you've read these pieces and are advised of whatever you may be getting into...

Spotting (and Avoiding) Cluster B Women

As you grow and mature, learning how to get better with women, some interesting things will happen to you as a man. Some things that seemed exciting begin to lose their thrill, while other new possibilities will pop up and prove themselves to be even more exhilarating than your earlier...

www.girlschase.com

Girlfriend with Borderline Personality Disorder: You Must Escape

Girlfriends with borderline personality disorder can be the sexiest, most intoxicating partners you will ever have. They are also the most damaging ones you can have, and you should run. Lately I have been hearing from more and more guys dealing with girlfriends afflicted with borderline...

www.girlschase.com

4 Manly Rules that Make “Bad News” Girls Avoid You Like Smallpox

The wrong woman can be legitimate bad news for your life. To screen these bad news girls out though (and screen the good ones in), you need 4 rules. Over the years, I’ve penned various cautionary notes aimed at keeping you safe from girls who will slowly (or quickly!) suck the lifeblood out of you.

www.girlschase.com

Female Attachment Profiles: Secure, Avoidant, and More

A woman's attachment style determines whether she is clingy, or distant, or prone to upset at the most trivial thing. Know her style, and you know what to expect. Early in life, the way someone's parents raise her shapes the way her brain deals with her relationships with other people. If her...

www.girlschase.com

Cheers,
Chase