Kinky sex, dominance, degradation, communication

[ray_zorse]

I have been finding that dominance agrees with me, I don't necessarily mean in the sense of kinky sex play, but just giving orders in bed, ordering my partner to do things which are slightly outside her comfort zone, and so on -- but have been getting into a bit of kinky sex lately (with myself in the dominant role) and this is also great. My questions are something to do with how and when to introduce kinky sex play in a new relationship.

1. Would it be a good idea to have regular sex at least once first? Lately have been cheated of sex once or twice by not doing things in the optimal manner and I suspect that introducing kinky sex play might fall into the risky category, what if she uses the safe word and then just bails before I manage to penetrate her, this would indicate that she's not comfortable with kinky play, whereas she might have been okay with regular sex... on the other hand if women really want to be dominated then maybe it would be best to tie her up, torture her, slap her around etc right off the bat, since it should tap into something primal and get her wet and begging for it? What do guys think?

2. On bondage sites they say basically before you engage in any rough sex play or bondage or any specific kinky fetish you might have, it's essential to establish communication with your partner, what they are comfortable with, any boundaries they may have and so on... this doesn't really sit well with me, because I think it's non dominant. Like on GC we practice dominance for real, whereas in kinky sex play the dominance is more temporary... I suppose my question is where does one finish and the other start? Because if I'm in a dominant role outside the bedroom I should just be able to tie her up and continue to dominate her in the bedroom too right? Or is such an approach too risky?

3. As to degradation, well my sometimes-girlfriend loves it, when we first engaged in kinky play I had her call me master and I punished her by slapping her for speaking without permission and other such things, but I didn't actually degrade her, because I wasn't sure if it was a good idea... afterwards I asked whether she would want to be called a slut and she was definitely down for it... so next time (which will be in a few days) I'll definitely be getting into some hardcore slut-shaming, thing is that slut-shaming is not what we advocate here on GC, and even if the answer to question #2 was basically just dominate her in real life and in the bedroom and don't seek permission... then I feel I have to delineate things a bit better here, because I don't want her thinking I genuinely hold slut-shaming attitudes, she has to know it's only play in this context... on the other hand the woman I fucked the other day, I asked her afterwards if she would want to be called a slut and she wasn't up for it... but I think this may have been an automatic response based on seeing me as a "nice guy", she may change her tune once she's been tied up and tortured, what do guys think? (I'll report later).

I definitely have this fantasy of pulling a woman back to the apartment, coming into the entry hall and immediately tying her hands behind her back, telling her the safe word and then saying "get on your knees" and having her begin to fellate me... I wonder how warmed up she would have to be for this to work (assuming I haven't laid her before)... I think I will save this for somebody who seems ultra keen, also it depends on what experienced guys say to my questions above...

-Ray

 

[Warhol]

Hey Ray, I have been wondering this exact question. What did you end up doing?

 

[Bboy100]

Would it be a good idea to have regular sex at least once first? Lately have been cheated of sex once or twice by not doing things in the optimal manner and I suspect that introducing kinky sex play might fall into the risky category, what if she uses the safe word and then just bails before I manage to penetrate her, this would indicate that she's not comfortable with kinky play, whereas she might have been okay with regular sex...

I like to slowly ramp things up. This can be done anytime. Even the first time you have sex.

E.g.
I might start out by lightly spanking her. Then I might slap her ass HARD. Then pull her hair, grab her neck. Then slap her boobs. If she's ok with all that, lightly slap her face. If she's ok with that, slap it even harder. I have no interest in going further than that. But if I did, the process would be similar. Start out light, and if she seems ok with it, move on to something more hardcore.

So in your case, maybe you would start out with regular sex, then tie her up. Then blindfold her. Then lightly slap her. Then slap her harder. etc.

on the other hand if women really want to be dominated then maybe it would be best to tie her up, torture her, slap her around etc right off the bat, since it should tap into something primal and get her wet and begging for it? What do guys think?

You'll lose more women by trying to be kinky straight off the bat than you'll lose by not doing it. Think about it...how many women are going to have sex with you, orgasm multiple times, then think "That was great...but since he didn't tie me up and slap me around...I'm not gonna see him again!"

Whereas, there are a great deal of women who are like you said...comfortable enough to have sex with you, but certainly not comfortable enough to get into kinks.

this doesn't really sit well with me, because I think it's non dominant.

Imo, dominance is about your presence and the energy you bring to the table. It's not so much about specific actions. Additionally, you can be both dominant, but also care for what her wants and desires are (in fact, I think that's the most effective way to do it).I think Hector's new article on LMR really sums this concept up really well. Even though it doesn't directly apply to your situation, I think the ideas and general theories which he presents can still be useful to you: https://www.girlschase.com/content/shatt ... on-passion
Especially given the situation...bondage can be legit dangerous/uncomfortable/painful. Because of this, you can definitely make an exception. As long as you're an otherwise dominant guy, I think it'll be fine to have an open dialogue.

afterwards I asked whether she would want to be called a slut and she was definitely down for it... so next time (which will be in a few days) I'll definitely be getting into some hardcore slut-shaming, thing is that slut-shaming is not what we advocate here on GC, and even if the answer to question #2 was basically just dominate her in real life and in the bedroom and don't seek permission... then I feel I have to delineate things a bit better here, because I don't want her thinking I genuinely hold slut-shaming attitudes

If she's having sex with you, she's not afraid you actually think she's a slut. As you know, most girls will not have sex with a man if they have even of a shadow of a doubt that they'll be judged for it. Therefore, if you call her a slut in the bedroom, she'll know it's all a form of sexual play
And on the off chance that she has any doubt about it at all, she'll probably voice her concerns. In which case you can explain to her that it's all just good fun.

Having said that, there are some girls which genuinely don't like being called sluts, regardless of context. But they might not always have the confidence to say anything about it. So keep in mind that you also gotta read body language/how she responds. If she seems uncomfortable, stop.

Also, I highly recommend checking out this series on the topic if you haven't already: https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-b ... are-freaks

 

[HellAtlantic]

I would think kinky sex right off the bat might be too much too soon for probably every girl. She doesn't know you well enough to submit herself in that manner, doesn't know if you're gonna go too far and even still doesn't know if you'll stop it you do go too far. I would think regular sex first time shows her you're "normal", and then for the 2nd time you can ramp it up. But I would think after the first normal session she's gonna understand that no matter what happens after that you're a normal guy she can feel safe and comfortable with. Break out the rope and handcuffs the first time and she'll probably think you're gonna kill her lol.

 

[Hector Papi Castillo]

It can definitely hurt conversion rates to fuck a girl too hard. Girls love it to death, but they just feel kinda used and if they get back with you, they might feel like a sex object. I've lost a few conversions by being too rough the first go around. They'll still text me and flirt with me and if I see them again in a social circle situation they'll get horny and wanna fuck, but putting in the effort to say yes explicitly to rough sex again over text and actually set up a hangout? Makes them feel...slutty.

The BDSM community is very regulated in that before you "play" with someone, all guidelines are predetermined or at least made clear ("I'm okay with X, not sure how I feel about Y, but you can try it and we'll see from there"). This is good, legally, but they even do stuff that is illegal (caneing, or hitting someone with a cane, is pretty much illegal everywhere, since it's, you know, fucking assault).

As for consent, I think as long as you're not just gonna straight punch her in the face, you don't need to ask before you **TRY** something. If you wanna to slap her, lightly slap her, as Bboy says. If she seems to like it, or at least isn't telling you to stop/is obviously very uncomfortable, go harder. She'll tell you when you've gone too far and then you can take a step back and either talk to her about it at that point, or just explore other options (she might not like getting spit on, but she's all about getting yelled at and verbally destroyed). As always, you should be extremely attentive to her verbal and non-verbal communication.

For instance, I'm pretty damn rough, but I take it easy at first and then slowly figure out how rough they want it. Well, not too long ago, this girl could tell I was holding back and said "you know, you can be as rough as you want?" I was taken aback. "Are you sure?" in a very comical, but genuine tone. She said yes.

I grabbed her face and smooshed it into the blankets and started railing her vagina as hard as I could. She went ballistic and start moaning/whimpering so fucking loud. I grabbed her face and told her to open her mouth. As I spit into it, her tongue went up, licking around for everything and anything. Then I clamped her mouth shut and spit on her face. Then I slapped a ho. Annddd then I choked her.

Then she tries to pull on my hair as she's kissing me and moaning and I slap her, telling her "NO!" like a bad dog. I remind her how much I hate having my hair pulled (I'm more about the "BDS" in BDSM. Not really a masochist, honestly). She apologizes and gets really girly and just tells me she's just so turned on and wants to pull my hair to show me. Her whimpers get so fucking...ughhhhh...loved smashing this girl.

After I cum she says, "that was sexy as FUCK, oh my god" and would regularly compliment how much chemistry we have and how great our sex is.

Even though she gave me consent to be as rough as I want, I still paid attention to her reactions with everything, and since they were all signs of pleasure, I continued to experiment. Consent can be given or revoked at any time.

Just be attentive. You don't need to ask and no one fucking does that in real life. I've had girls literally tell me it's annoying and a turn-off if a guy asks. There's situations where you can do it romantically or because you're generally unsure about the situation (heavy LMR, etc), but in reality, if you try something slowly and with her obviously watching you about to do it (like stick your dick into her), she has enough time to say no, push you away, etc.

Only idiotic psuedo-intellectuals on college campuses think that - and that's because their experience with sex is, uh, limited (they're ugly as fuck and no one has hit on them in...forever).

The BDSM community takes it seriously, because they do some legit crazy shit. Also, many of them are only dominant in their environment; they're not the most dominant people in real life, as they lack the social skills to express it in regular human interactions, so asking for consent is easy to them (whereas experienced social studs can read a girl's comfort levels instantly via her face, body language, tone, words, etc).

On degradation...get her to call herself a slut first. Give her a nickname, too that she knows outside of the bedroom means "slut," but is a sweet synonym. I have a girl whom I call "Little Flower" because she thinks of herself as a flower (she's really very sweet; love the girl to death), but she knows it means "slut," because that's what I call her in the bedroom. I'ts such a turn on too because she has this sweet girl demeanor, and then when I destroy her tight little body, she turns into this nasty little whore and whimpers and squirms and will say shit like "this is your pussy, papi. Am I pleasing you, papi?" when I ask her who's pussy it is.

Have fun and be safe,

Hector