First 90 Days Handling last min cancelled dates when its someone you have been seeing a while?

[Randy_91]

I read the article by chase around how to handle women flaking and not to make a big deal out of it and agree with it. But I was wondering if it should be handled any differently when you have been seeing the women a while and are supposed to be in a relationship. If you think that they are just cancelling because their interest level has dropped towards you, how should you respond? Should it be treated exactly the same way as if it was a new girl or should it be handled a bit differently? In my situation in the past, I handled it as if it was no big deal but I can't help think that this just further added to her losing interest and made me look weak.

An example is I got something like this 10 minutes before we were meant to meet: Iv been up since 4 and I am totally shattered so I'm not going to make it today. In the queue for this shop then going home to sleep.

I responded with Aww ok I just got up and washed. You could have told me earlier and I would have stayed in bed. I set an alarm and everything.

She said: I didn't think you would get up until the last min like last time so didn't want to wake you up. Anyway sorry, I can't make it, it's out of my control.

I can't help thinking I should have been a lot more firm and said something along the lines of:

Look if you're in a relationship with me and we make plans then I expect you to keep them. Catch you later..

 

[Richard]

1) Seems like she's basing her decision to cancel on your prior behavior hence the "I didn't think you'd get up until..." text so I'll consider that one fairly neutral. If it was my girlfriend, she probably still would have texted me while I was sleeping so when I did wake up I could read her text and go back to sleep or make other plans.

2) If this chick is in a "relationship" with you then she'd usually offer to re-schedule because she wants to see you which I consider a mark against you/her. You also made the situation worse with your text "I got up and washed, if you would have told me earlier I would have stayed in bed, set an alarm and everything" because it's attempting to guilt her into submitting to your desire which is weak behavior.

3) If you were actually awake then you should have sent an anti-flake text to see where her head was at and it would've neutralized this whole thing. My girlfriend is usually the one to text me to confirm plans BUT if she doesn't then I still send confirmation texts if we make plans days in advance - sometimes things come up and if you're in a position to catch them early (which you were here) then you really could've just sent a confirmation text.

That being said - a man's job is to remain calm and collected whenever he deals with women because women aren't to be taken super seriously. Unless she purposefully does something that gets in your way or manipulates you in some fashion then you don't need to be strict or set harsh ground rules. Generally, women do shit like that to test men and when you show her that it doesn't bother you then she drops that strategy OR she keeps up the strategy, at which point you know what you're dealing with.

So, if a girl flakes a few times then just stay calm and nonchalant about it. If she agrees to keep seeing you but continues to flake then get less and less invested in her - after a while you can send a more aggressive text but still needs to be calibrated. It's moreso a final push type of text and if she doesn't comply after that then you just drop all investment and only go out if she puts in the brunt of the effort to get you out.

In a "relationship" - I still let the same thing happen. If a girl starts investing less then I will drop my investment to even less than hers so if she doesn't want to hang out or chill then so be it - the relationship will die naturally which frees me up to explore new women

 

[Randy_91]

I probably should have given a little more back story. The relationship did die mainly due to the lockdown. I posted about it before. The reason I brought up this topic is that it was about this time that things started to go down the pan. She never offered to reschedule because it was only a walk in the morning and right in the middle of the lockdown and also think she was starting to not feel it anymore. I heard very little from her for another few weeks then she texted wanting to call it day. I did the not bothered routine and went no contact, haven't heard a thing from her in 6/7 weeks so guess she didn't give a fuck.

 

[Richard]

Yup, so, like I said; you remain calm and collected and if it fades out it's not because you did anything wrong.

Personally, I don't like women being able to look back on time spent with me and feel resentment or ill-will which is why I advocate for being calm/collected/positive EVEN if they're acting kinda bratty. 6-7 weeks without hearing anything is a very clear sign she's let things go so I'd just forget about her and start meeting new women.

The lockdown does throw a wrench into the mix BUT isn't enough to suddenly cause a relationship to end. My girlfriend is diabetic and I've been working throughout the lockdown at a place that deals with thousands of people daily soooo my exposure to COVID was much higher than the average Joe and despite that, my girlfriend still carved out time to see me despite the health risks (that I brought up to her). More evidence is the fact that her literal text was she's "shopping" which means the lockdown doesn't stop her from being social XD

Anyway, I'd venture to say that the relationship was probably on it's last legs and the lockdown was just a good opportunity to call it quits. She just freed you up to start meeting new women, consider it a blessing

 

[Randy_91]

I agree with you mate. The only thing is she was still keen at the start of the lockdown and I was at hers the night it came into force and she was still very passionate in the bedroom. I think what killed it was my behaviour after the lockdown came into effect. Texting too much came across to needy, this combined with the time we spend apart for weeks killed it. I am moving on, been texting and chatting to quite a few other girls from online dating as that is the only option we have at the moment. I am more just annoyed that I lost her because she was far from the hottest girl iv ever had yet I have all this knowledge.